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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

shy people get on my tits

384 replies

brimfull · 28/07/2009 19:03

and I know I am being unreasonable

but I want to shout-' grow up and make a fucking effort!!'

and don't moan about your kids not having mates to play with when you never ask people back,never say hello in the street

thanks

needed to get that off my chest

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/07/2009 19:55

but you think shy people are awful ggirl, you have demonstrated your short fuse with people who are not exactly like you.....

poshwellies · 28/07/2009 19:56

'I think you probably are worrying too much.'

Err yeah,it's called anxiety and that's what shy people suffer from.

Why don't you tell all shy bods to snap out of it too?.

Ripeberry · 28/07/2009 19:56

There was a woman in my office years ago who used to pick on me because i was shy and she was the loudmouth of the whole office and one day she was really getting on my nerves as she kept asking stupid questions and then saying "Sorry, speak up did not quite hear it" So i just said to her "You can never hear me as you are so loud, you've defeaned yourself!"
She soon backed off.
I would rather think about things before opening my mouth, even if it takes me all day

thisisyesterday · 28/07/2009 19:57

actually the eye contact thing is interesting too, because that is the one thing i am worst at.
the thing is i can be there and i know i need to make eye contact, but i just don't do it.

i don't know why i find it so difficult. i am working on it, but i just naturally kind of turn away when i talk and stuff.
hmm

Original poster
brimfull · 28/07/2009 19:58

I don't think they are awful

I think they are rude at times.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 28/07/2009 19:58

I am shyish at school when I (rarely) pick up the DDs...but I find that the other parents are quite cold and even when i smile I don't always get one back..but then i think maybe it's because I'm rarely there...then i think who cares..then I think the cows..the list goes on ...

I really think it depends on the situation sometimes when I'm nervous I can talk too much

muggglewump · 28/07/2009 19:59

I was really upset over the outing I mention.
I was so nervous, and I know I came across badly. Everything I said was wrong, it was like my mouth was not in touch with my brain.
The whole thing was hideous and I really liked the family I was with, and of course the guy liked me (in a platonic fashion of course) as I can come across fine online, and had known him for a good couple of years first.

I've had it said that I have an online persona, because I come across differently IRL. Not true at all, but when you only meet for a couple of hours IRL, I'm just not comfortable, whereas online I've been there for months or years and have got comfortable.
I'm shy and nervous online too, but you don't notice online as you don't see someone not posting, the way you see someone not talking IRL.

I wish I was more outgoing, but I'm not.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2009 20:02

poor you mugg

some of us have lots of similar excruciating incidents in our past

if I dwelled on them all, I would never leave the fucking house at all

IdrisTheDragon · 28/07/2009 20:02

I am shy. I do make an effort. Partly because of DS and DD - I want them to feel more at ease with themselves and others than I do.

I often end up not contributing much to a conversation it is true. But I do say things when I feel more comfortable - and that is me feeling comfortable with the situation rather than anything anyone else specifically does.

I make small talk. I am useless at it. I end up tripping over my own words and sometimes blushing. Not much I can do about that - it just happens.

I do suffer from depression brought on my my anxiety. I am treated for it. I think this leads tothe shyness rather than the other way round.

Not sure why I am going into this much depth as the OP has said they know they are being unreasonable but it does matter to me.

thatsnotmymonster · 28/07/2009 20:03

I was quite like you Squilly. As an adult I make friends easily, will happily talk to anyone, even if I have just met them though sometimes I struggle for small talk- just depends really. Most of my friends would say I was quite outgoing but I am still easily embarassed and I wish I wasn't. I would never put myself under the spot light for example- karaoke or on stage!

To the op YABVVU and very hurtful and rude to many people. Shyness can be acutely crippling and very difficult to overcome for some people, for many different reasons.

Why does it bother you if you don't want any more friends then it doesn't matter whether they talk to you or not. Maybe they don't want any more friends.

Sometimes when I don't feel like talking it's because I'm so tired (but usually I feel like talking).

I assumed my dc's would be quite shy because I was as a child. DS is a very confident and socially outgoing child who will talk to anyone and make friends very quickly (on holiday he announced 'I am just going to make some new friends' DH-'how long will that take?' DS- 'Not long.')
He is 4.

DD1 is 3 and is very shy though helped by having an outgoing brother. She was acutely embarrassed at people singing happy birthday to her last week and asked me why they had done it and said she didn't want it to happen again at her birthday party I hope she outgrows it as I know how limiting shyness can be when you are at school.

Sheeta · 28/07/2009 20:04

YABU and a bit of a cow.

squilly · 28/07/2009 20:04

And I agree with what someone said earlier. It wouldn't do for everyone to be another Jonathan Ross or Davina McCall. Much better that there's a happy mix of folks with differing skills, socially speaking!

Neither the shy nor the gregarious get on my tits. I celebrate them both for their unique attributes.

And I also know that a lot of people are either a blend of both or are being gregarious to cover their natural shyness.

Ripeberry · 28/07/2009 20:04

Who would you rather be stuck in a lift with for 4 hours, the quiet person or the person who did not shut up the whole time?

wahwah · 28/07/2009 20:05

As a shy person who has made huge efforts to get over myself I have some sympathy for all the views on here. Shy people, make eye contac, smile and even confess to shyness and people will make an effort with you ( if they're not total arses). if you can't do this, then GET HELP and make you life better.

MsSparkle · 28/07/2009 20:08

I am a quiet person by nature and am shy. Not as shy as i used to be, confidence comes with age imo.

Op you sound very ignorant because if you new anything about people who are actually shy you would know that shyness isn't because somebody cannot be bothered to make an effort, what aload of nonsense.

How about you grow up and instead of starting an ignorant thread about shy people, try having a little empathy towards those not as confident and social as yourself.

bullet123 · 28/07/2009 20:12

Most people who don't need me and who meet me briefly in real life think I'm shy, because my being Aspergers means I have significant difficulties initiating talking amongst other things.
So it annoys you does it? You find it a bit rude, wonder why they don't make the effort? Tell you what, why don't you try being unable to ask for painkillers, or food, or a drink? Why don't you try being unable to tell your partner when you are worried or upset about something? Why don't you try having to write things down for the GP or your child's teacher because initiating talking is very often extremely difficult. Why don't you try having people constantly believing you are stupid or patronising you because you hardly talk.
As for eye contact, I rarely make it because if I do I start to lose understanding of what a person is saying. And I'd rather actually listen than pretend to be listening.

Besom · 28/07/2009 20:15

Agree with squilly - most people are a mixture of shyness and confidence depending on the situation or the role they are in.

I, for instance, am crap at public speaking and job interviews, but am always first up on the dance floor.

squilly · 28/07/2009 20:18

You disco queen, Besom. I, for example, am first up for karaoke and the life and soul of the party (probably cock-like, but it works for me). I am also the one going over everything in my head the next day (on a bad day) to see where I made a prat of myself.

We've all got different coping strategies. I just tell myself, no-ones as interested in me as they are in themselves, so they'll probably not even think about what I'm saying/doing/thinking.

Threads like this make me wonder though...maybe people do think about it!

Katisha · 28/07/2009 20:22

So - non judgmentally - what do shy people want from the non-shy? If you find it difficult to initiate conversation what would make you feel able to keep going?
What has the other person got to do right to make you feel more comfortable?

muggglewump · 28/07/2009 20:26

See, I can chat to a checkout person, because I don't need them to like me, I'm not trying to be their friend, same as someone at the bus stop and I had a conversation with an old lady about soap today in Semichem (she had no sense of smell and asked if I'd smell it for her, and then I carried it on to a chat), but put me in a situation where I have to be there for a while, or I have to make friends and I'm a nightmare.

thisisyesterday · 28/07/2009 20:28

i don't think i want anytrhing from the non-shy particularly. just for them to realise that i maybe find it hard to start/keep up conversations and to bear with me!
i get less and less shy the more i get to know people and the more comfortable i feel. and i have some lovely friends who i guess were just patient with me and found out that i was nice after all and not just rude as the OP seems to assume,.

i find it easy to be around people who have good social skills because they will keep the conversation going even if i am not being very good at it!

bamboobutton · 28/07/2009 20:30

i think ggirl is being deliberatly obtuse! several people have explained how awful it is to be shy and how you can't snap out of and she's coming back with "i still think they're rude"

talk about putting your fingers in your ears!

i have always been shy, its just the way i am, all my sisters are really outgoing.

talking to people i don't know gives me the same feeling i get when i see a spider, pounding heart, sweats etc.
the thought of going to a social gathering where i don't know anyone can make me physically ill.

it is definitly not something you can 'snap out of'

ShellingPeas · 28/07/2009 20:31

katisha Speaking as a shy person I think you need to make the initial contact. I would never, ever initiate a conversation with someone I didn't know, even more so if I had a passing acquaintance by seeing them on the school run each morning, but never having spoken. Sometimes it is even harder to say hello when you've seen the same faces every day for a year, but not spoken to them, than seeing someone for the first time.

And it is not rudeness on my part. It's difficult to explain, but it is a fear of either being ignored, rejected, or looked at as if you've just crawled out from under a stone. Or sometimes, even worse, starting a conversation and then not knowing what to say after the initial pleasantries.

Please be kind to us shy people, as underneath we can actually be quite nice people.

Dragonesque · 28/07/2009 20:32

Of course she is.... I love watching a thread kick off though don't you?

ladyofshallots · 28/07/2009 20:33

Yes I suppose social anxiety, phobias and depression don't really exist then? We should all just pull ourselves together?

Some people have terribly abusive childhoods or suffer bullying which makes them shy because they fear ridicule. It is not as easy as simply making more effort.

I have had CBT and paid hundreds of pounds for hypnotherapy to help with my shyness. If that is not making an effort then I don't know what is. I am less shy, but still find social situations extremely intimidating. I just don't think I'm interesting enough to hold a conversation with strangers, although I do feel comfortable with friends.

I would love not to be socially isolated, but nice to know people are judging me about it too.