shy people get on my tits

[brimfull]

and I know I am being unreasonable

but I want to shout-' grow up and make a fucking effort!!'

and don't moan about your kids not having mates to play with when you never ask people back,never say hello in the street

thanks

needed to get that off my chest

[Mumcentreplus]

Oh Dear

facts are everyone is different..and has different issues and feelings...tbh op you kinda knew this would happen didn't you..

[GivePeasAChance]

My thing is that it seems there is no appreciation that social situations for the most part are difficult for most people, and you have to be trained - either in childhood or adulthood - to be confident. Shy people seem to think it is 'just them' and that confident people do not have to make an effort - as you have just stated categorically Threadworm.

I would argue that this is not the case. I would definitely be classed as NOT shy, but I have been in many many situations where I don't want to talk, can't be arsed and feel totally uncomfortable but still go with a conversation, an interaction or whatever it may be, generally for fear of appearing rude.

[BottySpottom]

Don't tell me, you think people with PND should snap out of it too.

Dick.

[Threadworm2]

I didn't say that the non-shy don't have to make an effort. I said that the shy have to make much more of an effort.

There is the effort involved in just being polite, talking when you want to be silent, or to someone you don't like or find boring, etc etc -- and then there is the effort of doing all of that, and on top having to fight your fear of the situation.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I'm with Peas. All the way. That's exactly how I feel!

[Threadworm2]

'Shy people seem to think that only they have to make an effort' is actually a very upsetting and inaccurate statement.

[GivePeasAChance]

I just think it would be good to appreciate that the apparently confident people are often also dying inside and cringing at what they say and do. It's just what happens. It's life.

And by not embracing the embarrassing possibilities of social interactions, shy people appear rude and self obsessed.

[AnyFucker]

ok, this is how I can explain my awkwardness in social situations...

it feels like everyone else has a handbook on how to chat/smile/look confident and for some reason, I didn't get one

does that make sense to anyone ?

[Mumcentreplus]

I have become more confident with age and experience..most loud mouths I have found speak but have no substance..some of the most interesting people are quiet..not particularly shy just quiet..and as I have become more openly nosey with age also.. I find listening as much fun as talking

[GivePeasAChance]

Don't want to upset you. Sorry.

[GivePeasAChance]

AF - same as most things in life. Noone has a handbook on any of it and we are all just trying to look like we have a clue what is going on.

[Mumcentreplus]

I understand completely AF..I think it also depends on the situation..some I'm cool..others..I thinking 'WTF' in my head whilst smiling..lol

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I agree with Peas again. Write your own handbook. Come up with some inane conversational openers to break the ice:

Isn't it cold for July.
Do you think we'll actually have a summer this year?
Is your child in Mrs X's class with mine?
Do you live near the school?
I like your boots.
Your hair looks great - do you get it cut locally?
How do you know Jane?

None of these are going to make you sound weird or send them running for the hills. They're just plain conversational openers.

Go for it!

[OrangeFish]

Ggirl, if I didn't know what a wonderful person you are I wouldn't feel like I need to defend you.

Shy people don't get on my t*ts but I don't like to spend much time around them either. I find it incredibly painful to see a person getting all worked up/upset for insignificant things. I don't mind making all the effort myself from time to time but not when it is in a regular basis.

[AnyFucker]

usually though, peas, you get chance to take a bit of time to think about your reaction to situations eg. with parenting, composing a letter, meeting your boss etc etc

often with me it is the unexpected that throws me, like bumping into a family friend in the supermarket (I did this recently, and in my fluster, I forgot to mention how sad I was that her grand-daughter (aged 17) had fucking died recently of bone cancer !!!!!)

I always think of the perfect thing to say after the event and I still have cold sweats about the above example

Stupid, so fucking stupid

[GivePeasAChance]

But it's so not stupidn to forget to say that at all. You imagine that humans are flawless. Instead of feeling terrible that you have a flaw and made a mistake ( ) , drop them a line, send them a card, whatever. People understand. Because all people make mistakes.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

AF - well I suppose you could have just said "How are you?" and then from her expression, it might have jogged your memory?

I don't get that you might forget that someone had died, actually, especially a young person.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Actually, I think that's a good idea (sorry Peas, not stalking you!) - drop a short note saying how upset you were to hear about her bereavement, apologise for not mentioning it in the supermarket, say you wanted to drop her a line?

[Mumcentreplus]

thing is most people have the same feelings..same doubts...I just say how are you?...and if i forget..just send a card..be honest..seriously.. with berevement people don't mind honesty..

[AnyFucker]

thanks peas, but it is examples like above that keep shy people in a vicous circle isn't it

and I know ggirl made a tongue-in-comment in her OP, and I take it as such, but for some people it is a real problem

btw, if you met me in RL you would think "wtf is she on about, that woman is perfectly ok in any situation...."

[GivePeasAChance]

I would like a stalker

[MrsSchadenfreude]

[GivePeasAChance]

And I know it is a real problem. But I also know it is a frame of mind from which you can be free.

I can assure you that most people cringe daily at things they have said / should have said / and come up with brilliant things they should have said after the event.

[MrsMerryHenry]

OP, YABVU. As am I when I feel the same way!

I don't feel quite so strongly as you have detailed in your OP, however, there are times when it's very taxing to always be the one making the effort. Sometimes I just can't be bothered. Perhaps this is what the OP was trying to say?

I used to be shy, btw - my school teacher named me her 'Quiet Little Rabbit'. I was shy for many years and then (1) grew out of it (2) forced myself to change. So I do understand shyness fairly well, which perhaps is another reason why I find it so frustrating at times in other people - because I know it's often (not always, and never easy) possible to change.

[AnyFucker]

MrsS, that was a bit harsh, what do you mean you don't get it? Do you think I would make up such a fucking awful situation?

I forgot to mention how sorry I was because of my own unease in the situation, got flustered and my mind went blank

I am not excusing it, it is unforgiveable actually, I would give a lot to change it