shy people get on my tits

[brimfull]

and I know I am being unreasonable

but I want to shout-' grow up and make a fucking effort!!'

and don't moan about your kids not having mates to play with when you never ask people back,never say hello in the street

thanks

needed to get that off my chest

[brimfull]

I did say this is what I sometimes think.

I would never actually make my feelings obvious.

I always try and make people feel comfortable .

The reason this came about is my very shy friend who I have known for yrs was moaning becasue her ds never gets invited to other dc's house.

Other friends have said they think she doesn't like them so they don't bother with her.I have said she is just shy and not to give up on her.

I have asked her why she doesn't just smile and say hello then people wouln't think she didn't like them or think her rude.
She obviously finds it difficult I know that but a little effort on her part would make such a difference.

[MsSparkle]

"i don't think i want anytrhing from the non-shy particularly. just for them to realise that i maybe find it hard to start/keep up conversations and to bear with me!
i get less and less shy the more i get to know people and the more comfortable i feel. and i have some lovely friends who i guess were just patient with me and found out that i was nice after all and not just rude as the OP seems to assume,.

i find it easy to be around people who have good social skills because they will keep the conversation going even if i am not being very good at it!"

That is exactly what i am like too!

[Bigmouthstrikesagain]

I am not shy but I don't like doing small talk and I am rubbish at it - life is too fecking short. So I have a few friends and I smile at everyone else. People may assume i am shy but I am actually just an arrogant cow.

I do moan about having no social life but I am stuck in suburbia surrounded by people I have little in common with aside from vaginas and children - so shoot me!

[TotalChaos]

agree with bullet. some people (including but not exclusively those with invisible disabilities such as high functioning autism and aspergers) find it enormously difficult and sometimes even painful to make eye contact. but hey, you know, carry on judging by all means.....

[poshwellies]

'I do moan about having no social life but I am stuck in suburbia surrounded by people I have little in common with aside from vaginas and children - so shoot me!'

Maybe you live in the same street as ggirl?

[lovechoc]

I think what shyness boils down to is being too self-conscious. If people were to let go of that, then maybe they would be more able to talk to others comfortably.

At school I had a horrendous time being shy (it's a disability in itself, IMHO) and I am glad that going to uni made me stand up for myself and have a voice, mix with various walks of life and realise that life is far too short to be shy! You miss out on so many good opportunities in life, they pass you by because of your shyness.

If you have the will power, change that, do something positive and get out there and throw yourself in the thick of it regularly, and things can change.

What I'm getting here is that most people are accepting of their own shyness, they feel that's just how they are, so why change it. But why not change it, to make your life feel better??

Loud people are a pain, I agree with others here. There's nothing more irritating than a loudmouth. Being somewhere inbetween is ideal if you can manage that.

Give the OP a break, she was generally just venting, we all do that from time to time and she doesn't come across as someone that was deliberately trying to offend.

[marenmj]

I know I have been on MN too much when I read "shy people get on my tits" as a command and think "I don't think the shy people would be particularly comfortable with that"

Oh, right, we're talking about people who suck at conversation.

Awkward.

Perhaps this is why I have no friends

[Katisha]

There is a school of thought that says shyness is a form of arrogance because the shy person is imagining that the other person is looking down on them or judging them and therefore won't say anything for fear of being thought badly of. Which, this argument would say, doesn't say much for their opinion of the person they are with.

While I don't think this is necessarily true it can feel like you are always having to make a supreme effort to make the non-talking person feel good about themselves. It doesn't feel like an equal conversation. I have a long-standing friend like this. Fortunately we have got to the stage where the silences can be interpreted as companionable rather than painful but it has taken a long time.

[brimfull]

katisha -that's what my friend is like.

Other people don't see her as a nice person and tbh she does nothing to help herself.

She will mona about the consequences but do nowt about it.

And today it got on my tits

[GivePilesAChance]

I often mistake shyness for rudeness. I am not sure shy people understand that is how they can come across.

And I think everyone has to make an effort is social situations. Even those who appear totally relaxed are conscious and slightly uncomfortable when meeting new people in new situations.

I have IL's that have the shy / rude excuse approach, I agree with ggirl, just a little effort please.

[Bigmouthstrikesagain]

I think people who are shy do realise people think they are arrogant and also if you are not talking to other people you end up spending too much time over analysing any minor social contact you do have to the extent that you become a bit self obsessed and paranoid.

Talking to people helps you to get things into perspective however it is easy to get into the habit of introspection and conversational skills need to be practiced - if you don't use it you lose it! Its a catch 22

[2kidzandi]

Shyness and rudeness are too different things. One is intentional, and one happens as a result of finding it difficult to cope with, and having a real fear of, ordinary social situations.

I used to struggle with shyness quite badly. At one time it was so bad even having to use the phone to sort something out (like an appointment, faulty bill) was hard. I was once sacked because I couldn't bear all the people and phone-calls I had to make in my job.

It took me years to cope with it but I still ocasionally freeze up in the presence of very strong personalities and go out of my way to avoid confrontation.

You have no idea until you go through it what you're talking about so YABU!!!

[MikeStand]

Empty vessels make most noise!
How do you know they don't have ASD? Many adults must be undiagnosed. It's like saying people in wheelchairs should get off their arses and stop being lazy.
YABVU

[minxofmancunia]

yab totally u.

load, obnoxious "self-assured" types get on my wick.

There's a difference between shyness and rudeness, some shy types might have asd or crippling social phobia.

I'm not shy at work but crippled by anxiety when confronted by groups of parents in social settings, maybe because lots of them are in your face, brash and overbearing and "expect"me to be the same.

dds social life (she's not shy) is fantastic thankyou without forcing me to make overtures to every mum I meet.

was incredibly shy as a kid, had a prtty shit time of it in fact, not made much better by these sorts of attitudes. Nothing to do with "growing up" I'm v polite but still shy and maybe a little wary of being judged by the "confident" (insert irritating and self-obsessed) crew.

[GivePeasAChance]

I would argue that only a minority of confident people are irritating, and everyone on earth is self-obessed. Bit of a non-argument.

[Katisha]

But what makes you think they are judging you out of interest? Not trying to score points here but genuinely want to know why you think the other people in the room are judging you?

[paisleyleaf]

I always remember something my psychology teacher said years ago
about how being shy is selfish
it shows that you're more concerned with your own ego than making others feel comfortable.

I'm shy, and it rang true a bit which is why I remember it.

[brimfull]

'wary of being judged by the "confident" (insert irritating and self-obsessed) crew.'

so confident people are irritating and self-obsessed

who's judging now?

[Threadworm2]

Paisley, your teacher was unfair I think. It is true that as a shy person you are preoccupied with yourself, and that is not a good thing. But it isn't the same as selfishness. You do care for the comfort of the other person (perhaps too much -- one of the preoccupations might be agony that you are making the other perons uncomfortable). And you aren't lightly choosing to dwell on the anxieties you have. You wouldn't call phobic peole 'selfish' for focusing on their feared object to the exclusion of other priorities.

[tallulahbelly]

Oh do fuck off.

I'm a shy person who first learned to deal with ignorant people like you by being aggressive and later tempered it by taking peoples' views into account before voicing my own in an assertive way.

Therefore I haven't read any of the thread because I can't be bothered to waste time with your prejudices if you can't be bothered with mine.

OK?

I trust you aren't offended.

[brimfull]

nice

[Threadworm2]

I'm amazed at the people here who think that shy people just 'aren't making the effort'. I bet that for the most part they are making 20 times the effort of a non-shy person -- though possibly to very little good effect.

In my shyness one big feature is absolute agony about whether the other person is ok, whether I've made them feel bad in any way, whether I am imposing, etc, etc. It is horrible. I do know that the paradoxical consequence is that I am driving the whole conversation round to my anxiety and away from their needs. But the intention is opposite.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I am very, very antisocial (and always have been) but I am not shy, and don't lack in confidence. I would rather not interact with people a lot of the time (quite happy not leaving the house at all sometimes!) but do make myself do so, as I think that people who don't even say hello or just smile, often do come across as bloody rude or just stuck up.

It's about making an effort. And 99% of people who are "shy" or "antisocial" don't have a syndrome or a phobia (although everyone seems to have a label these days and I probably would have been a prime candidate for being labelled as ASD when I was a child had it been known about), so that's rarely an excuse. I do feel that ggirl has a point.

[paisleyleaf]

Threadworm, that's true about phobias.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Oh and my mother used to slap my legs if I wouldn't speak to people when I was spoken to as a child. I don't think that was terribly helpful, actually...