Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

shy people get on my tits

384 replies

brimfull · 28/07/2009 19:03

and I know I am being unreasonable

but I want to shout-' grow up and make a fucking effort!!'

and don't moan about your kids not having mates to play with when you never ask people back,never say hello in the street

thanks

needed to get that off my chest

OP posts:
Bigmouthstrikesagain · 30/07/2009 21:35

freaky - can't fault your sources!

Jude68 · 30/07/2009 21:35

Bigmouth, was your mother so shy that she couldn't organise a kiddies party for you/
I have never had a birthday party as a child..as a result classmates stopped inviting me to theirs..it upset me.

Jude68 · 30/07/2009 21:40

I hate the thought of kids parties too but I will force myselffor my daughters.
I am crap at birthdays (get nervous and anxious0 or leaving jobs..presents/cards etc because my mum never made a fuss of us. We had hardly any extended family and she never invited kids from school over for a party as she was so shy and lacking confidence that she felt sure no one would turn up and we'd be devastated.

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 30/07/2009 21:42

Actually I don't recall having a birthday party til my 18th and then I had 3 friends a cake and a can of beer each . But I do remember helping organise my little brothers 5 and 6 birthday party with his school friends when I was 12/13 so we did have occasional parties as children.

Mainly she would let us have friends over and stuff she was just really socially awkward so it made things much more difficult and stressfull than they should be.

Ironically while I was at college Mum complained that I spent too much time at my friends houses and never brought them to our house - I wasn;t sure how to phrase the fact that as Mum had no life and never went out we didn't want to be there. Aftre all how could we raid the drinks cabinet play our music loud etc.!

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 30/07/2009 21:46

\i was invited to about 5 birthday parties of school friends that I recall Jude - but I don't really remember being upset. I was a bit of a misfit at school but being ginger and eccentric probably had more to do with it than my mums issues.

LyraSilvertongue · 30/07/2009 21:50

I made an effort to invite the kids that never get invited to anything to DS1's party earlier this month. One of them was so excited he talked of nothing else for weeks. I don't think he gets invited to parties because his mum talks to no-one at school. He doesn't have playdates either, which makes me sad as he's a lovely little boy.

Jude68 · 30/07/2009 22:23

LyraSilvertongue...that is why I force myself out of my comfort-zone with my own shyness.
I would hate either of my daughters to be like that mum's little boy..it makes me feel really sad for him.

Original poster
brimfull · 30/07/2009 22:25

Lyra -that is what I am trying to get across to my friend but she refuses to acknowledge that her behaviour puts people off.

OP posts:
Jude68 · 30/07/2009 22:29

Lyra - you sound like a really great parent. Am going to make a point of insisting my girls invite all the unpopular kids to their parties when they're older..they're only 2.5 and 11 months right now.

pigletmania · 30/07/2009 22:40

Sometimes you have to put your shyness aside and just go for it. For example the first time at mums and toddlers the easiest thing for me would be to come and just sit there, but despite my shyness and anxiety I just intorduced myself to a few people and made new friends. If there are new people there that come, I also introduce myself and get talking to them.

GodzillasBumcheek · 30/07/2009 22:58

Maybe it's just me but it seems that there is an enormous difference between 'talking to people' shy and 'actually making friends' shy. I seem to be the latter - but i do get demoralised by mum and toddler groups, which i have decided i hate.
DD1 and DD2 never went to any toddler groups and i don't think there have been any detrimental effects.

ahundredtimes · 30/07/2009 23:06

I understand what the OP means exactly.

In fact the 'pile on' re the OP brings up exactly what the problem is- like ggirls friend - often the shy can appear to be terribly self-obsessed. They talk about themselves, they interrupt a great deal I've noticed - then they tell you it's because they are shy. Then they get prickly and defensive, because they are shy.

It probably is because they are shy, or socially clumsy or depressed or whatever. But that don't make it easy. You do end up thinking that social rules pretty much apply to everyone, and it can be demanding to understand why they have to be different for them because they are 'shy'. It's like it's a Get Out of Jail Free card or something - whereas most people, probably ALL people - if they are nice anyway - feel some kind of social trepidation or nerves or fear or behave stupidly or are insecure. It's the human lot.

those people who are talking a lot? They're probably shy! Who knew!

I have a friend just like ggirl's friend. And because they are shy, they therefore think there must be different rules apply. Is odd.

Though also think MN full of the shy, for obvious reasons, so understand why feelings were hurt etc.

GodzillasBumcheek · 30/07/2009 23:18

I haven't read all of it yet but this has interested me
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shyness

ahundredtimes · 30/07/2009 23:26

Yes that's v. interesting. I like the bit about the shy feeling it's a very negative thing, whereas for most people it's totally neutral trait. And how the shy then feel that if it isn't going well it is because THEY are awful, thus compounding low self-esteem, whereas for the other person it's only the shyness that's making the social interaction difficult. That's sort of what happened on this thread in a way.

Original poster
brimfull · 30/07/2009 23:28

interesting article

'Shyness differs from social anxiety, which is a broader, often depression-related psychological condition including the experience of fear, apprehension or worry about being evaluated by others in social situations to the extent of inducing panic.'

this is interesting-don't think my friend has this-she certainly says she is not depressed

OP posts:
GodzillasBumcheek · 30/07/2009 23:30

I was also amazed that they'd linked shyness with anger (shy and angry mum, shy and angry me!), and something to do with seratonin (which is also linked to migraines, which i have).

Anyway, i'm off to bed now. Dammit, more things i want to research!

kidcreoleandthecoconuts · 30/07/2009 23:39

Mmmm...I havent read the rest of the thread ( though I will later) but I just wanted to say what a truely horrible thread title. Does the OP think that a 'shy' person can control this? Anyway I'll read the thread and see.....

ahundredtimes · 30/07/2009 23:43

social anxiety is different, yes.

Is interesting though because in a way what this thread has shown is that shyness is considered completely socially acceptable (except crucially one suspects to the shy) and in fact quite normal, and a manifestation of what others feel, but are 'better' at covering.

What the non-shy struggle with is what is perceived as rudeness. Which is stuff like not smiling.

Original poster
brimfull · 30/07/2009 23:47

I think some people smile and giggle when feeling insecure and shy and that probably helps them a lot as it is much more socially acceptable.
Non smilers will inevitably find it harder to be accepted thus compunding the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
brimfull · 30/07/2009 23:49

I apologise again for the thread title,it was written in anger and frustration and my extrovert personality just spat it out.

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 30/07/2009 23:56

and giggles in acceptable fashion.

Thing is - outrageous title aside - it's an interesting discussion I think, because there's a gulf of misunderstanding between the shy and the non-shy. (And no, shy folks, it's not just because nobody understand you, it's also because you think it's about YOU but actually it isn't YOU as such, as it's the smiling thing).

Mn a v. interesting place for the discussion too.

I have to go to bed now though.

Mumcentreplus · 31/07/2009 00:19

from what i have experienced about extrovert or non-shy people is it's equally about them expressing their views and their thoughts...most people intro or extro are just so for their benefit more than others in most cases...

LyraSilvertongue · 31/07/2009 09:49

Thank you Jude68

Jude68 · 31/07/2009 11:28

Sorry, slightly off topic here but am I the ONLY one eho really doesn't find going to new toddler groups a big deal? I don't really give a massive toss if no one talks to me and I am naturally shy.
For me it's a change of scene, gets us out of the house, we have a walk there and hopefully my kids have a nice time.
I am often incredulous that so many mothers find them some sort of huge nightmare/social test.

GodzillasBumcheek · 31/07/2009 11:32

But it is a social test when everyone is chatting with someone except you - and at the end you think, well DD could have done this at home!