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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

shy people get on my tits

384 replies

brimfull · 28/07/2009 19:03

and I know I am being unreasonable

but I want to shout-' grow up and make a fucking effort!!'

and don't moan about your kids not having mates to play with when you never ask people back,never say hello in the street

thanks

needed to get that off my chest

OP posts:

LyraSilvertongue · 30/07/2009 15:32

Having thought about this for a bit, I do agree that a degree of effort is necessary to overcome your shyness, especially if you have children.
I didn't want my boys to be the ones who never got invited back for tea because their mother wouldn't speak to anyone. I forced myself to endure accompanied playdates (when they were tiny) and I found the more I did it, the easier it got. Now I can chat fairly easily to mums I don't know very well. If I get out of practise, eg over the summer holidays, it can get quite difficult again.
I also make myself go to all the social activities organised by the other parents because the more I see them in a social setting (a glass or two of wine helps ), the easier it is to feel comfortable around them.
A little effort goes a long way but taking that first step is bloody daunting.

LyraSilvertongue · 30/07/2009 15:35

I've also volunteered to be a class rep the last two years because then I'm the one organising nights out/coffee mornings/collections for teachers etc. It helps make me more outgoing. I can't just blend into the background, which is easy to do when you're shy.

SoupDragon · 30/07/2009 15:36

"Shyness is hard but people are too willing to make it an excuse for not trying. "

The point is that it is like the difference between being scared of spiders and having arachnophobia. If you're scared of spiders you can force yourself to, say, remove them with the mug-and-cardboard trick. If you have a phobia there is no f-ing way you'd get near one.

Mumcentreplus · 30/07/2009 15:37

LOL...I hope you feed them

LyraSilvertongue · 30/07/2009 15:39

Ah but, Soupdragon, if the arachnophobia was seriously affecting your life you could have therapy/hypnotism or something to try and get over it. If you're so shy that you can barely leave the house and your children have no social life, you have to do something about that.

Jude68 · 30/07/2009 15:53

I agree. If you have crippling shyness/social phobia then get help!

Don't make your kids suffer because of your issues. And if you are just shy in a regular way, make an effort. It is hard, nerveracking and stressful but I've walked into new toddler groups on my own enough times to know that at the very worst you can just play with your kids and leave early.
Feel the fear and do it anyway. My kids will not suffer because I'm crap at things.
I hate returning invites of lunch as I'm crap at cooking and get anxious when preparing food for people but I make myself do that too as it's important for my kids to have their friends over.
I'm not supermum...I'm crap in many ways but I try my best.

SoupDragon · 30/07/2009 15:56

Yes, well perhaps those shy mothers are also doing their best. Just because it's not as good as your best doesn't make it invalid. Being told to make a fucking effort because you are getting on someone's tits really isn't helpful at all.

Spidermama · 30/07/2009 15:59

Maybe some people don't want to talk to others. Have you thought of that?

I think it's fine to like ones own company and thoughts sufficiently and not to want or need to talk to every fucker who crosses your path every couple of minutes.

My DH always thinks I'm shockingly anti social just because I've been known to read the paper on the school run. I've canvasses opinion on this before and people tended to agree with him

However, why should I talk to people if I don't feel like it? To make them feel better? Bugger that. I like to mill around in my own head a lot of the time only most of the time am forced out of it by others coming up and nattering about nothing.

Present company excluded naturally.

VinegarTits · 30/07/2009 16:03

I'm not shy, i just dont like 'people'

Spidermama · 30/07/2009 16:08

I like people. I just don't see the need to talk to them all the bloody time or for them to talk to me. Most of it's shite anyway.

There's too much social pressure, especially on women, to be nattering away all the time about nothing in particular. I can't be arsed.

LyraSilvertongue · 30/07/2009 16:09

No, it's not helpful at all. The OP was way too harsh.

Original poster

brimfull · 30/07/2009 16:12

If you're happy being anti-social then fine but my friend makes no effort then moans becasue she thinks no one likes her and her dc's don't get invited anywhere.

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 30/07/2009 16:12

I especially dont like boring pushy people who expect you to make and effort to talk to them

squeaver · 30/07/2009 16:14

I feed them kindness. That's all they need. Eventually they succumb

[evil laugh]

AnyFucker · 30/07/2009 16:22

succumb to what ?

small talk ?? < sharp intake of breath >

Jude68 · 30/07/2009 16:23

But the OP said her shy/anti-social friend moans about how her son has no play-dates. Perhaps if she made a small effort (smiling in the playground, saying hello perhaps)then she might find life friendlier.
No one is saying you have to go around spouting shite to everyone all day.
Perhaps I spend too much time on my own with a baby and a toddler but I view even a trip to Sainsbury's as an opportunity to have a little chat with the checkout girl or an old lady who smiles at one of my kids.
What a load of miserable sods some of you sound.

Spidermama · 30/07/2009 16:29

Funny because my MIL will talk to any fucker (no offence Anyfucker at a bus stop or in the shops or on the beach and yet, invite her to a small gathering of family and friends and she sits scowling in the corner, a dark and brooding presence which is actually commented on by my poor, freaked out friends who have tried to make an effort to get to know her.

My mum, on the other hand, will even park as far away from anyone else as she possibly can, walk the dog in the remotest spots possible, and make enormous efforts to minimise the chances of having to talk to any one, but is the life and soul at any small gathering of family and friends.

Some do well with strangers, others in big groups, some in small and others still prefer not to talk to anyone. Fair enough.

The OPs friends son will make his own pals eventually. She shouldn't have to change her personality just to help him out any more than she should be required to play football to show him an example.

Jude68 · 30/07/2009 16:41

No, if she's happy with her shy and anti-social personality then no, she shouldn't change it but then neither should she expect a warm response from other people or moan about her situation.
She should just accept she's shy and stop expecting other people to see past the unsmiling mush and lack of smalltalk/friendly banter and somehow see beyond that. People don't. Human nature.

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 30/07/2009 21:22

I agree entirely with Spidermama on this issue (earlier in thread I stated that I hated small talk with aquaintances) and thinking about my Mother she was horribly shy paranoid and tongue tied and didn't really have any friends.

Me and my siblings didn't suffer - afterall once at school your children organise their own social life - I imagine my children will be the same and I probably won't have a jot in common with their friends parents but as long as I am civil and able to make the required practical arrangements - who the hell cares.

I was very sociable and confident as a child - I am now getting increasingly intolerant of fools and picky about who I talk to, it is very liberating

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 30/07/2009 21:28

Of course Morrissey is the final word on this subject...

Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
ASK ME - I WON'T SAY "NO" - HOW COULD I?

Coyness is nice, and
Coyness can stop you
From saying all the things in
Life you'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
ASK ME - I WON'T SAY "NO" - HOW COULD I?

Spending warm Summer days indoors
Writing frightening verse
To a buck-toothed girl in Luxembourg

ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME

Because if it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
That will bring us together

Nature is a language - can't you read?
Nature is a language - can't you read?

SO... ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME

Because if it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
That will bring us together

If it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb
Then it's the Bomb
That will bring us together

SO... ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
Oh, la...

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 30/07/2009 21:29

Bigmouthstrikesagain · 30/07/2009 21:30

doh!

word · 30/07/2009 21:33

Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to.

word · 30/07/2009 21:34

FGS! How's THAT for an x-post???!!

word · 30/07/2009 21:34

FGS! How's THAT for an x-post???!!

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