To apologise for something that I don't want to?

[thoroughlypissedoff]

Sorry this might be long but I need to give a bit of background!

I have never really been a massive fan of my bil as we have nothing in common, and I don't find his jokes funny, he's arrogant, selfish, chauvinist and stubborn. But alongside this he has also treated my sister pretty badly (books holidays for himself and "the lads" without telling her until last minute (once when she was 8 months pg!), and she is constantly finding girls numbers and suggestive texts on his phone). I have never made my feelings about him known until very recently - they have been together approx 10 years and have a 2yo ds.

Recently she found that he had been on a dating website asking for no strings sex with an older woman plus various messages about meeting up- she was devastated and rang me up in tears saying that she was leaving, had packed up her stuff and was at our mums. I tried to reason with her and say that it could be a joke, or an explanation could be made so she must talk to him first. They talked and he said it would NEVER happen again and he was sorry so she went back home, but 2 days later there were more messages from a woman so she said that was definitely it and went to my mums again. I spoke to her and told her a few home truths along the lines of "you are too good for him, you can do better", and that no-one liked him. Wrong I know, but I was very angry that he had treated her this way. She moved back in within about 12 hours and they seemed to just snap back to normal which I found very odd and was worried for my sister.

I then got an email from him apologising for how he had treated her, but done in a very fascetious(sp) way and also telling me that I should have kept a lid on it and not twisted the knife in.

At the time I was literally shaking with anger so I replied telling him that he had no right to tell me what to do and that he was a philandering idiot and that my sis would have a queue of men lined up if he wasn't around.

Anyway this was weeks ago and there had been no direct communication since, however I keep getting my mum coming on the phone telling me that myself and my dp are not perfect and that she knows things about him (that I have told my sis in confidence, but she has now divulged to my mum in a tit for tat way).

I am getting married in 5 weeks and bil said he is not coming. So I texted him and said "Please will you come to our wedding for my sister's sake as she would be so upset if you couldn't be there, there will not be an atmosphere". I received one back saying he was not coming as I am a shit stirrer, a hypocrite and that I got involved in something I knew nothing about, and that he didn't have the time or energy to speak to me. I have apologised to my sister for the things I said in anger to her about him, and I have said I will be civil to him, and even act as though nothing has happened, but I will not apologise. Now my sis says she will not be my maid of honour anymore and is not coming to wedding either.

I had my mum in tears yesterday saying that she wanted to jump off a building and that her family was splitting up. She actually looked ill.

So now I am thinking that I should apologise to him, even though I don't mean it, just to smooth things over for my mum and sisters sake.

But I just can't stand him getting what he is demanding - I feel like I am giving in to a blackmailer.

If I was in his situation, I think I would be going out of my way to do everything I could to make my wife happy after the distress he's caused her, but he is just making her make a horrible decision.

So what do I do?

Sorry this is so long - thanks for reading!

Personally, I would not apologise and I really don't think your mum should say things like that either. If your sister chooses not to be your maid of honour because of this, I would be furious with her as she is effectively prioritising this horrible man over you.

Do not apologize to him, you did nothing wrong, your mother will get over it and if your sister keeps going back to be treated like a door mat she must like it.

Let them all get on with it and ignore it
Enjoy your wedding day, and if your mum and sister want to behave like idiots leave them to it

Do not apologise.

Your sister has behaved badly too by telling your mother stuff about your DP. The things you told her, if someone had told you those things about their partner - what would you say? With the wedding so close, have a think.

They are not acting reasonably by making these threats about the wedding. If you weren't getting married so soon they would probbaly just stop talking to you.

I have to go now but don't apologise. Really, why should you?

Oh God you are in an awful predictment, the rational side of me says stivk by your guns and don't apologise,
but choosing that sounds like it won't make you happy because your sister is blinded by her shit of a husband and maybe in the long run it might be better to try and smooth things over with him, as you don't sound like you want to loose your sisters friendship,
maybe you could ring him and say
that you said those things in anger and at the time you thought that she wanted to hear, but now you realise it was stupid, can everyone have a fresh start blah blah blah

Speak to your sister first tell you feel awful etc, so that when you speak to him she hopefully will be expecting him to make ammends too!

I wouldn't appologise. One day when your sis has finally left him she will be upset at not attending your wedding. I think your better off without him there, I would spend day being angry at him. Your mum has a right to feel sad but no right to try and emtionaly blackmail you to.

Am with Kimi. I'd maybe ring your sister or write her a letter explaining that you love her and were angry that she got hurt, much as she would do the same for you. Explain how much it means to you to have her at your wedding and leave it at that. I'm sure she will come round eventually but she is obviously feeling embarrassed and possibly is a bit controlled by her prick of a husband.

As for your mum - maybe you should push her off a building? She sounds as if she is being a tad melodramatic and not at all helpful in this situation. I'm sure she is upset but perhaps she could try and mediate rather than make ridiculous comments. Perhaps you could ask her to speak to Dsis for you?

I don't think you should apologise. You have held your tongue for a long time and you spoke out of love for your sister.

Good luck with your wedding and I hope this doesn't spoil it for you.

This goes way beyond the normal bit of give and take that you get in families. I don't think you should apologise to this pathetic excuse for a man. Just because your sister is in thrall to him, doesn't mean he gets to dominate you too.

I would actually do the opposite and apologise-for your mother's sake as much as anything-life is too short to split families.
I wouldn't apologise for what you said but I would say that you realise that it was nothing to do with you and in future you will not interfere in any way.
I have found out that it is best to keep away from married couple's fights. I have heard it from one side-tried to be supportive and helpful only to have them both turn on me!
I would then stick to what you say and the next time your sister is in tears and wanting sympathy just tell her that you are sorry, but after last time, you are not getting involved.

Would it be worth saying to your sister that what you said was whilst she had left him for the 2nd time and you thought that she was leaving him as she had said. If she chooses to go back to him then you'll support her and be nice civil to him but you were upset on her behalf. Perhaps if she could list to you his good points, as you've only heard his bad points then it might go some way to making things better.

On the Wedding side of things, I would say to her if she's not going to be your maid of honour, just say to her ok and nothing more. She's probably hoping you'll beg her but say to her it's her choice just like it is whether she stays or leaves her husband.

As for you mother (mines threatened things like this when we've visited the inlaws) say to her that she would be best saying that she'll support both of you in your choices and you can't do everything to please everyone else all the time.

Sorry, hope it all sorts it self out.

There is a sad moral to this story - 1. Don't be telling your family things about your partner if you are not prepared to hear some home truths. 2. Do not moan about your partner to your family with trivialities as they will end up not liking your partner because you were having a bad day and venting your spleen. 3. If a member of your family confides in you about their partner, keep your opinions to yourself and go home and make a voodoo doll of the cunt.

OP you have been put in a dreadful situation, your sister is obviously being controlled by this man, and has clearly repeated to him, probably in anger "Well, My Sister thinks you are out of order so i am justified". Thus making him angry with you. For him to behave this way is surely telling of his controlling ways - truly horrible.

The thing is, do you actually think it will make any difference to the fuckwit guy if you do apologise? I am not so sure. I have a horrible feeling that he is trying to push your sisters family away because he can see that she is strong with their support and he can't just do as he pleases.

You know what - Be the bigger person, email the cunt (Send copies to your sister so he can't deny it) and apologise to him, explaining that you were just sticking up for your sister in the heat of the moment. Then the ball is well and truly in his court - he doesn't come - fine, everyone can see he is a cunt. Your Sister has to make her own choices - if she chooses not to come to your wedding that will be so very sad, but you must not let it spoil your day.

If he does come - pay the waiter to piss in his soup!

I love both my sisters dearly, but trust neither of them to be particularly rational where men are concerned. I learned to bite my tongue, because I always wanted them to have somewhere to go when the light did dawn.

One day she will make up her mind to go. If you have burned your bridges, then she will have one less person to turn to.

But, be prepared that even if you do apologize, the awkward sod may still keep your sister away from your wedding.

I would apoligies i think for you mothers sake but also add that if your sister does not want your opinion on her relationship then not to tell you as TBH your thought on him sounds spot on so if i were you i would find it very hard not to tell her that he is an arse.

"piss in his soup" - pmsl!!! Top idea

Sounds to me as though they are trying to divest the blame from him onto you so that you are the "baddie" in the situation. You have already tried to smooth things over. All I would do is tell your sister you want her there and then leave it up to her to decide what to do.

Apologise - let them come to the wedding and everything will be fine.

Then next time he is a shit let him have it with both barrels and tell him that you have always thought he was a knob and you only apologised last time because you were forced to.

I think I would apologise just to smooth things over so that she will be MofH and he will attend.

But I would know in my heart that it wasnt true and that would be fine by me!

I have always said that as long as you say you are sorry then people cannot still be mad at you because you have apologised. for you.

Hope you still have a lovely wedding.

Thanks all. I'm also loving the piss soup idea!
Re: my mum - I should have explained that it is not just this incident that is making her feel this way - her mum died 18 months ago and she has never really got over it. Plus, my grandad used to be cared for by my gran before she died, and as it was quite sudden there has been a massive upheaval trying to get him sorted with care, he has had many falls and mini strokes, but is also very obnoxious to my mum who does everything for him. She has also had problems with the business she runs and also my bil works for her!!!! He is her second in command and if he were not there it would cause huge problems in the business. IMO, I don't think she should have employed him, as never a great idea mixing business with friends or family, but that's the way it is so it's a lot more complicated.
I'm still really torn.
My mum and dad are separated and he knows nothing about this. If they don't go to the wedding he is going to ask why as he will know it would have to be something major. I feel like I want to tell him as I know he would be on my side, but he would probably end up being up on a murder charge!!

I reckon ideal weddings where everyone is carefree and joyous are pretty rare - there is always some tension going on somewhere, which is exacerbated by the fact that we believe the wedding should be a perfect day.

At my own wedding I had to have someone who I hated and really didn't want to be there in order to make life easier for a close family member. It ate away at me for years, especially as I found out later some of the things he'd been saying...But as the years roll on I realise that in the great scheme of things it didn't matter and what mattered was me and DH and the people who were genuinely pleased for us.

So I would say, grating as it is, smooth things over to the extent that he would look churlish if he refuses to come and let him be there. You don't have to talk to him on the day. If your sister is going to refuse to be maid of honour again, that's up to her and she will come to regret it. Your mother will have to learn to get over herself.

What I am trying to say is keep it under control for the wedding and after that see how it goes. And try not to be upset if they decide your wedding is the time to make some sort of big huffy point - it's a great bargaining chip for them, but don't let yourself be held to ransom. Easier said than done, but weddings do give some people the excuse to behave very badly.

Oh sorry - x-post after all that!

If you want them at your wedding apologise. Next time their problems are brought to you tell your sis you don't want to be involved. I fell out with a friend over something similar. Her dp threw her out and she came to me with sob stories. He wanted nothing to do with her and wouldn't converse. It was well and truely (sp) over. I told her he was always controlling and brought up incidents of his behaviour over the past 20 yrs which she had told me about. She found this too 'honest' to handle and said she couldn't be around my 'negativity'. I said fine but I can't apologise for telling the truth as you told me. It's called denial and you are a reminder of the truth. If you apologise everything is rosey again , for now.

See here's the thing, I don't actually give a shit if he's at the wedding or not....but obviously want my sister to be there. Although I am actually pretty pissed off with her too as she has been making backhanded comments to my friends about my dp, which are totally unneccessary. What has he done??? It is such a very immature situation, and I am worried about them passing comment to people on my wedding day.

TBH, from his response to your attempt to smooth things over, I don't think he has any intention of being at your wedding. He just wants to have the same level of control over you as he does with your sister and your mum. I am afraid I would not apologise or beg them to come to my wedding. Maybe you shouldn't have said what you did to your DSis, but it is easy to say that with hindsight. Not so easy to remember when you are face with your DSis in bits because of the way she has been treated by her husband.

Lady of shallots : why wouldn't a wife (or husband) prioritise their partner over the other members of her family? Have you not read any of the numerous threads on here about husbands who don't prioritise their wives over the MIL? or seen the name they are called for failing to put their partners first? And rightly so. The goalposts don't change on that just because the partner is a s*it. In this case the sister is clearly trying to sort out her marriage and like it or not, that means she has to put her partner before her sister.

You can't control how people behave on your wedding day unfortunately as I discovered.

Hoepfully your sister will have the self-control not to behave badly, but if she does, it will only come back to bite her as people won't appreciate her being bitchy on your big day.

Have the wedding and enjoy being at the centre - don't start getting involved in what is going on at the edges on the day.

If your sister is starting to get nasty then I wouldn't want her at the wedding, I thought in your first post it seemed like you really didn't want to upset your sister, so I take back what I say about apologising as it dosen't sound like it will gaurantee that they will change

but what you have to remember is that it is your wedding day and you won't get it back,

if you prepare yourself for her not to be there you may feel abit sad but you will be prepared, and people will see them both for what they really are

do you really want her there and then worry if they are going to cause a scene

Unfortunately as Katisha says you can't control how people behave on your wedding day,
my dad caused a scene at my wedding, that thankfully only a few people witnessed but I will never forget it

I love my sister and of course I would love her to be at the wedding, but I just feel a bit down that she feels it necessary to slag off my fiance in a tit for tat war. I have emailed my mum earlier to say that I won't be apologising to him as I have apologised to my sister and explained why I said what I did, and that I also texted him last week to politely ask him to come to the wedding and stated that there would be no atmosphere. The response to that was negative from him, so therefore the ball is in his court, and if they decide to come then it is fine and I will be civil. If not, then I can't force them to come. I have yet to hear anything back.
I haven't contacted my sister or bil as I don't want to ring just to say that I won't be apologising, as I feel that will just rile them further.