To apologise for something that I don't want to?

[thoroughlypissedoff]

Sorry this might be long but I need to give a bit of background!

I have never really been a massive fan of my bil as we have nothing in common, and I don't find his jokes funny, he's arrogant, selfish, chauvinist and stubborn. But alongside this he has also treated my sister pretty badly (books holidays for himself and "the lads" without telling her until last minute (once when she was 8 months pg!), and she is constantly finding girls numbers and suggestive texts on his phone). I have never made my feelings about him known until very recently - they have been together approx 10 years and have a 2yo ds.

Recently she found that he had been on a dating website asking for no strings sex with an older woman plus various messages about meeting up- she was devastated and rang me up in tears saying that she was leaving, had packed up her stuff and was at our mums. I tried to reason with her and say that it could be a joke, or an explanation could be made so she must talk to him first. They talked and he said it would NEVER happen again and he was sorry so she went back home, but 2 days later there were more messages from a woman so she said that was definitely it and went to my mums again. I spoke to her and told her a few home truths along the lines of "you are too good for him, you can do better", and that no-one liked him. Wrong I know, but I was very angry that he had treated her this way. She moved back in within about 12 hours and they seemed to just snap back to normal which I found very odd and was worried for my sister.

I then got an email from him apologising for how he had treated her, but done in a very fascetious(sp) way and also telling me that I should have kept a lid on it and not twisted the knife in.

At the time I was literally shaking with anger so I replied telling him that he had no right to tell me what to do and that he was a philandering idiot and that my sis would have a queue of men lined up if he wasn't around.

Anyway this was weeks ago and there had been no direct communication since, however I keep getting my mum coming on the phone telling me that myself and my dp are not perfect and that she knows things about him (that I have told my sis in confidence, but she has now divulged to my mum in a tit for tat way).

I am getting married in 5 weeks and bil said he is not coming. So I texted him and said "Please will you come to our wedding for my sister's sake as she would be so upset if you couldn't be there, there will not be an atmosphere". I received one back saying he was not coming as I am a shit stirrer, a hypocrite and that I got involved in something I knew nothing about, and that he didn't have the time or energy to speak to me. I have apologised to my sister for the things I said in anger to her about him, and I have said I will be civil to him, and even act as though nothing has happened, but I will not apologise. Now my sis says she will not be my maid of honour anymore and is not coming to wedding either.

I had my mum in tears yesterday saying that she wanted to jump off a building and that her family was splitting up. She actually looked ill.

So now I am thinking that I should apologise to him, even though I don't mean it, just to smooth things over for my mum and sisters sake.

But I just can't stand him getting what he is demanding - I feel like I am giving in to a blackmailer.

If I was in his situation, I think I would be going out of my way to do everything I could to make my wife happy after the distress he's caused her, but he is just making her make a horrible decision.

So what do I do?

Sorry this is so long - thanks for reading!

If your BIL doesn't come to your wedding it is not your fault, it is *his. It is his decision to make and if he shooses not to he cannot then blame you and neither can your sister.

Do not feel responsible in any way for whether or not he comes.

Don't appologise. What did you do wrong? Nothing.

Good god you poor thing, I just read the whole thread!

Sounds like your family need to start taking responsibility for their own feelings and emotions, instead of trying to blame others (you).

What thesecondcoming said.

I remember your thread from first time round but that wedding speech takes the !

Get on with your life. Let your sister and your mother make an effort to see you if you wish, but fill your time with your immediate family (your DH and DS) and your friends. You won't miss their fuck-wittery and pandering to this very insecure man.

Bizarre.

I think the 'half as good as thing' is just a figure of speech that she used without thinking it through. I have heard people say it so many times in all kinds of circumstances. I know it upset you but it is the kind of thing that my family would be daft enough to say and we fortunately don't have the issues that you do. You could choose to interpret it that your BIL is a total prize A shit and if your DH is only half a prize A shit shit she'd be satisfied.

But.. I think the bigger issue is that your DS is so desperate to hang on to the piece of shit that she would rather put her family through this trauma than deal with the fact that he is a cheating, lying twat. That says a lot about her. She isn't in a good place. That doesn't give her the right to treat you like shit and rope your DM to emotionally blackmail you but she is obviously desperate to appease and keep him and for some reason your DM appears to be complicit. Your DS is putting him before everything else. That is scary from what you've said.

Can't you imagine the conversations your DS and BIL must be having? 'If you loved me you'd make her say sorry - again. She was so mean, she doesn't understand me like you do. She is the one causing problems between us, we've put it behind us and if you really loved me you'd ask her to apologise etc etc' As another poster said, your DM is choosing her battles. You are sorted and settled, your DS isn't and from all she is being told, you are the one causing the problems by pointing out that your BIL is an arse.

I think you need to step back and give them - and you - some space. I'm prepared to bet that before long your BIL will be up to his tricks again and she'll be on the phone needing your support. Cheaters don't change.