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AIBU?

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Original poster

To apologise for something that I don't want to?

130 replies

thoroughlypissedoff · 27/07/2009 08:47

Sorry this might be long but I need to give a bit of background!

I have never really been a massive fan of my bil as we have nothing in common, and I don't find his jokes funny, he's arrogant, selfish, chauvinist and stubborn. But alongside this he has also treated my sister pretty badly (books holidays for himself and "the lads" without telling her until last minute (once when she was 8 months pg!), and she is constantly finding girls numbers and suggestive texts on his phone). I have never made my feelings about him known until very recently - they have been together approx 10 years and have a 2yo ds.

Recently she found that he had been on a dating website asking for no strings sex with an older woman plus various messages about meeting up- she was devastated and rang me up in tears saying that she was leaving, had packed up her stuff and was at our mums. I tried to reason with her and say that it could be a joke, or an explanation could be made so she must talk to him first. They talked and he said it would NEVER happen again and he was sorry so she went back home, but 2 days later there were more messages from a woman so she said that was definitely it and went to my mums again. I spoke to her and told her a few home truths along the lines of "you are too good for him, you can do better", and that no-one liked him. Wrong I know, but I was very angry that he had treated her this way. She moved back in within about 12 hours and they seemed to just snap back to normal which I found very odd and was worried for my sister.

I then got an email from him apologising for how he had treated her, but done in a very fascetious(sp) way and also telling me that I should have kept a lid on it and not twisted the knife in.

At the time I was literally shaking with anger so I replied telling him that he had no right to tell me what to do and that he was a philandering idiot and that my sis would have a queue of men lined up if he wasn't around.

Anyway this was weeks ago and there had been no direct communication since, however I keep getting my mum coming on the phone telling me that myself and my dp are not perfect and that she knows things about him (that I have told my sis in confidence, but she has now divulged to my mum in a tit for tat way).

I am getting married in 5 weeks and bil said he is not coming. So I texted him and said "Please will you come to our wedding for my sister's sake as she would be so upset if you couldn't be there, there will not be an atmosphere". I received one back saying he was not coming as I am a shit stirrer, a hypocrite and that I got involved in something I knew nothing about, and that he didn't have the time or energy to speak to me. I have apologised to my sister for the things I said in anger to her about him, and I have said I will be civil to him, and even act as though nothing has happened, but I will not apologise. Now my sis says she will not be my maid of honour anymore and is not coming to wedding either.

I had my mum in tears yesterday saying that she wanted to jump off a building and that her family was splitting up. She actually looked ill.

So now I am thinking that I should apologise to him, even though I don't mean it, just to smooth things over for my mum and sisters sake.

But I just can't stand him getting what he is demanding - I feel like I am giving in to a blackmailer.

If I was in his situation, I think I would be going out of my way to do everything I could to make my wife happy after the distress he's caused her, but he is just making her make a horrible decision.

So what do I do?

Sorry this is so long - thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Dizzyclarebear · 29/07/2009 17:40

Oh and tell your dad. He should know why one of his DD might not be at the other DD's wedding.

differentID · 29/07/2009 17:43

TPO, tell your dad. He will feel so hurt that this arse is making both of his girls upset, he will find a way to sort it.

Does he know anyone who could beat BIL senseless pay your BIL a social vist?

fleetwoodmac · 29/07/2009 17:43

sorry i forgot to add ...

at the end of the day you were trying to protect and support your distraught sister, as someone has said. can she see that? perhaps you could explain? will it make any difference? i don't know? but i think that is the key here.

slowreadingprogress · 29/07/2009 17:43

Your sister has been cruel to you to put you in this position. She has abused your love and trust by telling her husband what you said about him.

That's the crux of the whole thing; you were simply loving and supportive to a sibling; SHE has created this maelstrom for the family by stupidly tattling to him all that you've said.

As well as being cruel to you it is of course perfectly possible that she is an abused wife; but the fact remains your sister is at the centre of this and it's her fault. Not her fault that he cheated of course but that is not the issue here the issue is that she chose to tittle tattle to him and break your love and trust.

I wouldn't want her at my wedding.

If it was me I'd try to talk to my mum alone and ensure that she sees who is at fault here and there is no reason why she should get drawn into this. She is YOUR mum too and you have done not one little thing wrong.

Original poster
thoroughlypissedoff · 29/07/2009 17:53

Thing is, I only said what I said because she had taken her stuff and left and I actually thought that they had split up. I guess I never thought they would get back together as he had been on a website asking for sex with an older woman and had arranged to meet up with several and my sister knew this. I definitely didn't think they would be back together that night!
I don't even want to speak to the shit, never mind make any form of an apology!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 29/07/2009 17:58

Think I would send a formal letter to your sis & BIL thanking them for letting you know that they won't be attending your wedding.

I think you need to speak to your Mum and actually ask her if she really isn't going to come to your wedding.

I think you need to tell your Dad what is going on.

However hard it will be not to have them there on your wedding day whether you apologise or not makes no difference now, it isn't going to be the happy family wedding you thought it was going to be 2 months ago IYSWIM.

Catkinsthecatinthehat · 29/07/2009 18:13

So if you don't do as your sister commands, she will get her husband to send you abusive texts, which you will be expected to accept graciously in order that they can move on from the situation????

Whilst your BIL is obviously a complete knob, slowreadingprogress is right in that it's your sister who is at the centre of this maelstrom. She appears to be manipulating all the key characters in this - you, your mother and your BIL. Please let your dad know as well as your DHtobe, as she and your mother are trying to isolate you and make you doubt yourself.

motherbeyond · 29/07/2009 18:13

i can'y believe your family are being like this.especially just before your wedding.
your mum is probably worried about the work thing isn't she? is she elderly and easily manipulated?

your sis is truly the marionette.she has been a tosser once allowing him to treat her like that.now she's being a tosser again in defending him!
it's unfathomable!
this is an attempt by both of them to defect the problem that is his infidelity,by over shadowing it with this ,made up problem...what else would they talk about after the dc went to bed? how he cheated on her? why he did it? doesn't he love her?
it's avoided all the akward fallout from his affair and that suits them both very well.
they've united again using you as a common ground and discussion point.it's all very pathetic and transparent of them.

i would talk to your mum and explain how shocked and saddened you are over this situation.i'm sure your mum will come to the wedding and your sister is just shit stirring,to make herself feel better over her crap personal life

Original poster
thoroughlypissedoff · 29/07/2009 18:36

Sent my mum a text saying "Have just heard from sister that no-one from my family is coming to my wedding. Unbelievable. Now I know where everyone's loyalties lie. My wedding. Has anyone considered my feelings."
I got one back saying "I will be there, M x"

OP posts:
Original poster
thoroughlypissedoff · 29/07/2009 18:36

Sent my mum a text saying "Have just heard from sister that no-one from my family is coming to my wedding. Unbelievable. Now I know where everyone's loyalties lie. My wedding. Has anyone considered my feelings."
I got one back saying "I will be there, M x"

OP posts:
Cheepz · 29/07/2009 18:43

in that case i take it back - like car girl said tell your sister and bil thanks for letting you know they won't be coming to the wedding and then leave it - your mums going to be there, and you don't need the drama

Original poster
thoroughlypissedoff · 29/07/2009 18:47

Also have just remembered that whilst on the phone to sis, she was telling me that I got involved in something that I knew nothing about and that BIL was depressed and that's why he acted that way....
I said well if he was depressed he should have gone to the doctors for anti depressants, not gone on a website asking for extra marital no strings sex with an older women and also a threesome with a married couple.
She just kept saying that I obviously don't care about her or my mum if I won't apologise to BIL.
I just get the impression he is sitting at home rubbing his hands with glee.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 29/07/2009 18:47

I would actually go see your Mum with a bunch of flowers and tell her that you appreciate what a difficult position she is in and that you will always be there for her and your sister regardless of the current situation.

Your sister is in a bad place and can't see the wood for the trees and yes this is something to focus on rather than see your BIL for what he is,

Have a fantastic wedding and I hope your sister one day sees your BIL for what he is and has the courage to leave.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 29/07/2009 18:48

Bloody Hell. YANBU - Glad you're not apologising. You've nothing to apologise for!

I also think you should tell your dad and DH-to-be what's going on. No reason for you to be isolated in your own family.

Original poster
thoroughlypissedoff · 29/07/2009 18:50

Fortunately or unfortunately, they all live 400 miles away so I can't just pop over but I think I will send her some flowers with the same sentiment.

OP posts:
GrendelsMum · 29/07/2009 18:50

I think that CarGirl's speaking a lot of sense there.

Have a fantastic wedding and don't hold this against your sister when she finally leaves him.

Original poster
thoroughlypissedoff · 29/07/2009 18:53

slowreadingprogress - although she did tittle tattle about some things, I did also send him an email which is what he wants me to apologise for. Perhaps I should post it on here?

OP posts:
Katisha · 29/07/2009 18:58

I think sooner or later your sister will be the one in the lurch and this will be apparent to everyone. What a shame that this twunt has managed to sabotage your wedding - or so he thinks. He must be rubbing his hands in glee. But I think you must just trust that the truth will out and that no-one will think you are in the wrong.

Horrible for you though - I hate the way weddings get used as battlegrounds but selfish people who should get over themselves.

Katisha · 29/07/2009 18:59

sorry BY selfish people

NeedCoffee · 29/07/2009 19:04

wow couldn't not post, poor you, I bet you're feeling so sht what a Wa*er. Yes send your Mum some flowers and tell her you appreciate that shes going to be there and don't expect her to be involved in the rift no longer, it is now between yourself and your sis(and her tithead dh). If you don't tell your dad, tdo you think your sis will anyway?

Longtalljosie · 29/07/2009 19:21

This isn't about right and wrong any more, OP - it's about a manipulative man who is successfully manipulating your entire family and possibly damaging your wedding into the bargain.

The only thing you can do is damage limit - not for his sake, but to ensure you are limiting his ability to hurt you.

Speak to your mum first and ask her what she thinks you should do. She will probably ask you to apologise to keep the peace. Then - do so. OK, so it's unfair, and the man is a twunt. And your sister is totally under his spell. But I agree with others that he's successfully isolating your sister from her family and you have to counter that.

Apologise - and then have a shower (metaphorically). He'll think he's won. That's fine. He won't be with her long-term, he'll screw up again. But when he does, don't comment on his behaviour because it sounds like he'll be back quite a few times before she gives him the push for good.

Original poster
thoroughlypissedoff · 29/07/2009 19:25

motherbeyond - she's not elderly, in her mid fifties, but yes I think they are all so closely knit in that my sister works for stepdad and BIL works for my mum, and my mum also looks after their ds 2 days a week and most weekends. I can imagine that wrong as it may be it would be easier to side with them, than me who lives 400 miles away.
NeedCoffee - I don't think my sis will tell my dad, BIL has managed to convince her that my dad is not a great dad either.
It's so awful, she used to be soooo lovely, and that part of her still shines through sometimes, but he has made her a very bitter girl over trivial things.
He has fallen out with his own mother and hasn't seen her for almost a year (she is a bitch though TBH), and doesn't speak to his brother very regularly - only family occassions.
I can't help but feel that he is maybe envious of our family? I could be wrong though.

OP posts:
Katisha · 29/07/2009 19:35

Probably is envious and it's telling that he obviously doesn't think family relationships are worth working at.

What are you going to do?

JoesMummy09 · 29/07/2009 19:43

Poor you. I would not apologize. BIL is scum.

However, I would stop all the texting and emailing and speak on the phone. There seems to be an awful lot of people speaking for other people which is never helpful in situations like this.

I expect your sister has had all of her self-esteem erroded by this bastard and so has no perspective anymore.

When she leaves him, and she will, you will be there for her.

daisydora · 29/07/2009 19:45

Bloody hell OP, you poor thing! You are in an incrediably difficult position - fwiw YANBU.

He is manipulating your sister, and if your mum is close to her DGC (which she will be as she looks after them often) she will also not want to upset the BIL in case he uses the children against her.

Maybe he is envious of your family. Or maybe he just doesn't do families full stop. he's alienated his own and now he's trying to alienate your sister and hers.

I hope you get some sort of resolution on all this. I would hate to apologise, although for my sister's aske I would probably do it through gritted teeth (and I would know that I never meant it)