To apologise for something that I don't want to?

[thoroughlypissedoff]

Sorry this might be long but I need to give a bit of background!

I have never really been a massive fan of my bil as we have nothing in common, and I don't find his jokes funny, he's arrogant, selfish, chauvinist and stubborn. But alongside this he has also treated my sister pretty badly (books holidays for himself and "the lads" without telling her until last minute (once when she was 8 months pg!), and she is constantly finding girls numbers and suggestive texts on his phone). I have never made my feelings about him known until very recently - they have been together approx 10 years and have a 2yo ds.

Recently she found that he had been on a dating website asking for no strings sex with an older woman plus various messages about meeting up- she was devastated and rang me up in tears saying that she was leaving, had packed up her stuff and was at our mums. I tried to reason with her and say that it could be a joke, or an explanation could be made so she must talk to him first. They talked and he said it would NEVER happen again and he was sorry so she went back home, but 2 days later there were more messages from a woman so she said that was definitely it and went to my mums again. I spoke to her and told her a few home truths along the lines of "you are too good for him, you can do better", and that no-one liked him. Wrong I know, but I was very angry that he had treated her this way. She moved back in within about 12 hours and they seemed to just snap back to normal which I found very odd and was worried for my sister.

I then got an email from him apologising for how he had treated her, but done in a very fascetious(sp) way and also telling me that I should have kept a lid on it and not twisted the knife in.

At the time I was literally shaking with anger so I replied telling him that he had no right to tell me what to do and that he was a philandering idiot and that my sis would have a queue of men lined up if he wasn't around.

Anyway this was weeks ago and there had been no direct communication since, however I keep getting my mum coming on the phone telling me that myself and my dp are not perfect and that she knows things about him (that I have told my sis in confidence, but she has now divulged to my mum in a tit for tat way).

I am getting married in 5 weeks and bil said he is not coming. So I texted him and said "Please will you come to our wedding for my sister's sake as she would be so upset if you couldn't be there, there will not be an atmosphere". I received one back saying he was not coming as I am a shit stirrer, a hypocrite and that I got involved in something I knew nothing about, and that he didn't have the time or energy to speak to me. I have apologised to my sister for the things I said in anger to her about him, and I have said I will be civil to him, and even act as though nothing has happened, but I will not apologise. Now my sis says she will not be my maid of honour anymore and is not coming to wedding either.

I had my mum in tears yesterday saying that she wanted to jump off a building and that her family was splitting up. She actually looked ill.

So now I am thinking that I should apologise to him, even though I don't mean it, just to smooth things over for my mum and sisters sake.

But I just can't stand him getting what he is demanding - I feel like I am giving in to a blackmailer.

If I was in his situation, I think I would be going out of my way to do everything I could to make my wife happy after the distress he's caused her, but he is just making her make a horrible decision.

So what do I do?

Sorry this is so long - thanks for reading!

Caen right, it does look like you have been cast as the common enemy. But I don't think there is anything you can do about it, apart from distancing yourself from the situation a bit. That, or apologise everytime you see BIL!

I'm sorry that its still going on for you. Families, who'd have 'em!

OP - your bil lives near and works with your mother therefore he has her ear. It sounds like he is manipulating her and driving her barmy - which probably explains her bizarre speech at your wedding. Your sister sounds as nutty as he is. I know it will be hard but stop the phone calls, emails, texts and concentrate on your life with your DH and DS. If your mum and sis eventually come to their senses then all well and good but don't let them make you unhappy and miss out on enjoying your son.

I have to say that the only apology he'd get from me would be "I am sorry that you cheat on your wife and think that it's ok"

And to your sister it would be "I am sorry that you are married to a man who goes after other women."

And to your mother it would be "I am sorry that you want me to apologise to a man who hurts my sister time after time."

And then I'd change my number and get on with my own life without the lot of them.

HE is the bad guy here. Not you.

Well said Heget (or is it Heqet, I can't see)

TPO - what a prize tosser this bloke is. You can pretty much guarantee that he is going on about you behind your back and there really is nothing you can do now to make up for it. Apologise again? WTF for? You've done it.
If anything, your sis should apologise to YOU for putting you in this crap position in the first place by not being honest/brave enough to confront the lying cheating bastard with what she had found; and for betraying your trust and telling your mum things you didn't want her to.
Your mum should ALSO apologise to you for her stupid speech at your wedding - I hope when your sis's marriage hits the fan, she realises what a twat she will appear to other friends and family for thinking your BIL is some kind of hero.

There - that's my take on it - but I doubt you'll get your apologies so you must do without them and decide whether or not you want to compromise with them again. It won't do you any good though - it's just going to cause longterm crap for you and your DH. However, it depends how strong you feel your family ties are. I am not one of those who believe in Family Above All Else though - I can't stand my own brother!

It's heQet. That damned underlining is a pain.

I agree with Heqet.

I don't think there's much you can do to change your mother's and sister's minds. And your BIL, for example, is a twat. I am quite shocked that your mother is taking their side on this; surely she would not want her daughter to be married to an arrogant, cheating knobhead, and would want to protect her daughters? I don't get it.

I would either do as Heqet said or I would go along the line of

I'm sorry that you feel the need to make me bad guy in this situation. I have apolgised twice to BIl now and will not be doing so again.

When you have all grown up and see that is for what it is (BIL pushing the blame on me/us) then please feel free to contact me and apolgise for your behaviour and we see where we can go from there.

I think this as started again because BIL is upto his old tricks so is making their marriage about you. And unfortunley your sister and mother are buying it.

I just leave them to it. But make it clear that if your mum/sister contact you will not be apolgising again.

Not read the full thread. But I don't think you should apologise. If your sister chooses to bury her head in the sand - that is her choice. You should not have said those things (even if true) but have apologised. She should not have told your mum things about your DH to be either, but that is in the past anyway.

There would be an atmosphere now if they came to the wedding, so just accept that they will not be coming, ask someone else to be the MOH, and tell your sister that you still love her and are there for her, but cannot and will not step down from defending her interests. Make sure she knows you will always be there for her, but cannot compromise your own beliefs of what is right and just accept him back with open arms. Again reiterate that you are willing to be civil, but everything has changed now and you cannot pretend that what he did did not happen.

And most of all, enjoy your day. It is a celebration of you and your husband to be. It is not a day for your mum to show off her adoring family (although that is how they often see it) and it should not be a day to be endured just so that everyone on the surface looks happy to the outside world.

Pot, it's generally a good idea to read the last page as well as the first - tis an old thread, this is an update. OP is married now.

Cheers Heqet - I shall remember for the future! (perhaps you could change it to HeQet?)

I should add that my poor DH has been dragged into this also.

Way back before the wedding, he rang up BIL to tell him that his actions had really upset me in the run up to the wedding and that he was not having it. I wasn't there but I can imagine he went on a bit of a rant as DH likes to do - but he is not verbally abusive or anything. Anyway he said to BIL that we need to sort it out as he didn't want to have to be rolling round on the floor with him at the wedding. (meaning in a fight, not in any other way !)

So what does BIL do? Goes and tells sis, mum, stepdad, anyone else who'll listen, that DH has threatened him with physical violence!

Anyway DH texted him to apologise the day before the wedding, but according to my sister, this riled BIL further ? After her outrageous speech, my mum asked DH to do her a favour and go up to BIL and make amends.

So as if it wasn't bad enough being publicly humiliated once at his own wedding, he had to go up and do it again! So he went up to him at the bar and said "Can we just put all this nonsense behind us?" And BIL just said "I don't want to talk about this now".

Anyway at the New Year dinner, DH made a massive effort to speak to BIL, for my mum's sake, shook his hand etc, but BIL just looked at floor/gave one word answers.

DH is not some sort of pussy walkover by the way. He has just gone to these lengths as he wanted to try to help sort this mess out.

Anyway last week DH got a text from my mum saying thank you for making the effort with BIL even though it was not received well, and that time will heal (like we are the ones waiting for them to forgive us or something). He replied to say she was welcome, but that he would not be making any further effort with BIL as it keeps being thrown back in his face and he is being made to look a c**t. He also wanted to express how hurt he had been by the speech at the wedding. Not trying to inflame things, but I think he just wanted to take the opportunity to let my mum know how unhappy he was about it as no-one had mentioned it to her yet as we just wanted to forget about the whole thing.

Anyway she has not replied.

She has phoned me twice since then (on weekdays so she is obviously avoiding him) and not mentioned it at all.

Maybe I should demand an apology from her .

Also the bloody speech is on our wedding video so we can remember it forever more !

Here you go, thumbwitch.

• there, see, now no one will get it wrong again!

TPO - damn right your mum should apologise to you, or more importantly to your DH. Perhaps you should replay the wedding video speech to her over the phone. See if she still thinks that it was ok (had she been drinking at the time, btw?)

Just read the rest of the thread. And I stand by my comment that you should not apologise. I think you need to state (no discussion) that what you did was motivated by love for your sister. You are not willing to stand by and let him hurt her - but that you have apologised already for overstepping the mark and interfering where it was not wanted. However, you are not willing to keep apologising again and again. You still love your sister and mum, but will not continue this battle. If they are unable or unwilling to move on, then you yourself will have to move on without them.

THEN
Do NOT share any more arguements/personal details with your sister (perhaps you are a bit prone to the drama queen behaviour on this one - not meaning to insult you - this is coming from my own experience, as I am prone to this too)

Do NOT discuss the matter any further

Enjoy your life and surround yourself with friends so that you have support when you need it without the tittle tattle that seems to go on.

NEVER dis her DH. Allow her to dis him to you, but you should never agree and never add fuel.

Know that your sister and BIL are using you as the issue rather than their own problems. That is their choice, but they can't do that if you are no longer allowing them to.

Be ready to forgive and forget when eventually it all goes to pot for your sister. She will need you, and you love her.

Walk away if necessary

No I don't think she had been drinking actually, maybe one glass of bubbly?

I keep telling myself it was just the stress of the wedding/ her father being at death's door/ the situation, but I just think she wanted to make a point.

I just wish she had not done it at my wedding - there were 100 people there including some of DH's work colleagues. I feel like people will be talking about it and saying "ooh wonder what the DH has done so bad that he's got to up his standards to half of those of BIL?" !

Surely she would have apologised to DH by now if she didn't think it was ok?

PotPourri - I would not say I am prone to "drama queen" behaviour, I just used to be very close to my sister and we would tell each other everything, much as I am discussing with mnetters on here, I would discuss things with her.

But I can assure you that she will not be party to any further personal details from me, which is very sad as we were very close and I always trusted her, but I will never be able to again.

I agree, it is very sad. A similar thing has happened with my family (can't share anymore), but I have friends who I can share with to some extent, which is why I suggested surrounding yourself with friends (that does take time to build trust enough though)

Hope things get better for you soon. Families can be sooooo naff

thoroughlypissedoff - i have read the entire thread and i feel really sorry for you.
I think your sis, BIL and mum are in a click together, you BIL and your sis are probably bitching to your mum constantly about what happened, which in turn wears her down and eventually comes round to their way of thinking.

If it was me i would ask for an apology from your mum. I bet if you can see your sis and BIL in the video they have a smug look on their face when she made her speech. Its totally out of order to make that kind of speech infront of people who have no idea whats going on.

If it was me i wouldn't call, email and txt them. being blunt..fuck them!! sounds to me that your mums made her mind up about your dh (with a little help from your sis)

Your sis and BIL have the upper hand here as they have a more intense relationship with your mum (i mean live in each others pockets)

Have a big hug...you need 1!
x

Fuck em......sound more trouble than there worth.

Families can be such a waste of time and energy sometimes! I know we are supposed to love and stand by them, but it's a two-way street and you don't appear to be getting anything from your mum or sister (I'm not even going to mention the prick your sister is married to) apart from stress and upset.

I think you and your husband are definately due an apology from your mother for her behaviour at your wedding. I would be livid at my mum if she caused a scene like that on my wedding day.

As for your sister I agree with heqet (and everyone else who gives similar advice) - just send them a message saying you will not be apologising again, and if they don't like it, well tough shit. That's their problem, not yours.

Hope your mum and sister wise up on what an utter fuckwit your BIL is soon, for their sakes (and yours!). Perhaps then they will understand the hurt they caused you by believing his bullshit.

PotPourri - I have some very close friends whom I share everything with, so I am not losing out by not being able to share with my sister - I am just sad that we are not as close as we used to be.

mummysgoingmad - I just don't know why my mum would have a problem with my DH - he is a lovely person, if a little hot headed at times, but only over stupid incidences like this. He has never been rude or disrespectful to me, or any of my family, and up until this whole saga, had been very friendly towards BIL. We've had a few issues with his ex being a nightmare, but apart from that, everything between us has been pretty normal.
So I can't understand her favouring BIL over DH? .
And yes they do live in each other's pockets as not only do they all work together, but sis and BIL have dinner at my mum's every night.

Anyway for the time being I think I will just be keeping my distance from the lot of them.

Thats the probelm then. They spend 90% of their time together. so he has all the time in the world to poison your mum in mind into agreeing with his thinking.

Unless for some reason they stop working and living in each other pocket/under BIL spell there is nothing you can do .

What a bunch of twunts.
I would stay well away for the time being.

thoroughlypissedoff, the idealist in me is raging, as I read this (all of it ). You were very noble to apologise for getting involved and for nothing else, and it's infuriating that you have been rewarded with incredibly obnoxious and selfish behaviour. People are never so angry as when they are wrong, are they? I agree with the poster who commented that your mother was picking her battles, and therefore siding with the less reasonable one of you and your sister.

Your sister could have stopped BIL's behaviour by leaving him and suing for the most punitive divorce she could. She did not (although I must be fair and say I can understand how her self-confidence and faith in life must have been undermined by a lot more bad behaviour than anyone else knows about), so the tide washed out further. Your mother could have been a bulwark against BIL's selfish behaviour. She was not. The tide washed out further and is now beating at your coastline.

"Evil flourishes when good men do nothing."

Good for you and DH for doing something and saying something. You can't allow the tide to wash over you, too; that is madness, you would hate yourselves, and you wouldn't even have your mother and sister "back", as they are changed from being sucked under like this. Your BIL is a shit. So sorry your mother and sister are under his sway, but please do take some pleasure in saying NO to him.