To apologise for something that I don't want to?

[thoroughlypissedoff]

Sorry this might be long but I need to give a bit of background!

I have never really been a massive fan of my bil as we have nothing in common, and I don't find his jokes funny, he's arrogant, selfish, chauvinist and stubborn. But alongside this he has also treated my sister pretty badly (books holidays for himself and "the lads" without telling her until last minute (once when she was 8 months pg!), and she is constantly finding girls numbers and suggestive texts on his phone). I have never made my feelings about him known until very recently - they have been together approx 10 years and have a 2yo ds.

Recently she found that he had been on a dating website asking for no strings sex with an older woman plus various messages about meeting up- she was devastated and rang me up in tears saying that she was leaving, had packed up her stuff and was at our mums. I tried to reason with her and say that it could be a joke, or an explanation could be made so she must talk to him first. They talked and he said it would NEVER happen again and he was sorry so she went back home, but 2 days later there were more messages from a woman so she said that was definitely it and went to my mums again. I spoke to her and told her a few home truths along the lines of "you are too good for him, you can do better", and that no-one liked him. Wrong I know, but I was very angry that he had treated her this way. She moved back in within about 12 hours and they seemed to just snap back to normal which I found very odd and was worried for my sister.

I then got an email from him apologising for how he had treated her, but done in a very fascetious(sp) way and also telling me that I should have kept a lid on it and not twisted the knife in.

At the time I was literally shaking with anger so I replied telling him that he had no right to tell me what to do and that he was a philandering idiot and that my sis would have a queue of men lined up if he wasn't around.

Anyway this was weeks ago and there had been no direct communication since, however I keep getting my mum coming on the phone telling me that myself and my dp are not perfect and that she knows things about him (that I have told my sis in confidence, but she has now divulged to my mum in a tit for tat way).

I am getting married in 5 weeks and bil said he is not coming. So I texted him and said "Please will you come to our wedding for my sister's sake as she would be so upset if you couldn't be there, there will not be an atmosphere". I received one back saying he was not coming as I am a shit stirrer, a hypocrite and that I got involved in something I knew nothing about, and that he didn't have the time or energy to speak to me. I have apologised to my sister for the things I said in anger to her about him, and I have said I will be civil to him, and even act as though nothing has happened, but I will not apologise. Now my sis says she will not be my maid of honour anymore and is not coming to wedding either.

I had my mum in tears yesterday saying that she wanted to jump off a building and that her family was splitting up. She actually looked ill.

So now I am thinking that I should apologise to him, even though I don't mean it, just to smooth things over for my mum and sisters sake.

But I just can't stand him getting what he is demanding - I feel like I am giving in to a blackmailer.

If I was in his situation, I think I would be going out of my way to do everything I could to make my wife happy after the distress he's caused her, but he is just making her make a horrible decision.

So what do I do?

Sorry this is so long - thanks for reading!

Don't you bloody dare apologise to him! In her heart of hearts, she knows who is at fault here. Certainly you should not be begging and pleading to be forgiven!

I usually very relaxed when it comes to apologies..lifes too short and all that...but you have already apologised to the person you should have..he sounds like a right knob...I would speak directly again with my sister..tell her I love her and would be disappointed if she did not come and leave it at that..see how it pans out...perhaps tell your mum to use her gulit tactics on them!..(but in a more sensible way of course)

None of this is your fault. Dont feel guilty and dont be manipulated by this man into absolving his guilt.

He is a wanker.

Good for you saying you wont be apologizing stick with that.

If your mum is silly enough not to come to your wedding then that is up to her, if your sister will not come is that really a loss? If she is so desperate for a man she will stick with this dickhead and turn on the family that love her let her get on with it and the next time he is off being a twat and she wants you to go oh there there don't do it tell her to sod off back to him as she seems to love the drama of it all

hmmm,it's a toughie.

is there anyway you could structure a conversation with him where you seeeem as if you're saying sorry,but actualy don't say sorry?

your sister is probably embarrassed and is closing ranks to make it seem as if they are a united front.

if you want sis to be there, i think you may have to take the gamble and have the 'chat' with bil (the wank wad)
but,if you think they're going to be bitching to guests and this will make you paranoid..dont bother.
imo it'd be better to miss her than for her to be there and you want to smack her one!!

motherbeyond - ideally I would love to be able to do that but he is such a stubborn prick that he would always want to have the last word. My sister asked me to speak to him as he wanted to "explain things", but I just felt that if I had to sit and listen to his explanation, I would end up getting really wound up and it would end in argument.
I've said I would be civil to him, and even act as if nothing has happened at my wedding, to save there being an atmosphere, but that is not good enough for him. He is insisting that I apologise to him or he will not go to the wedding. I imagine he is probably saying to my sister, "You go", but of course she is not going to go without her d(haha)h.
I really feel that speaking to him will just make things worse.
To top it all off, my mum even asked me to keep it all from my dp so that he wasn't involved!! 5 weeks before my wedding and I am being asked to keep a secret from my fiance! I just said "he is my husband to be and I tell him everything".
I haven't heard anything from my mum, sis or bil since I sent the email 2 days ago except a brief text from my mum this morning to say "Have read it will speak soon".
I have been quite anxious as need to speak to her re wedding arrangements but really don't want to get launched into another guilt trip.
It just makes me hate bil that he has caused all this friction between our family - we used to be so close.

Well you've judged something you have no idea about - somebody else's marriage. And you did so to the worst person of all, your sister. I am shocked you are surprised that this has bitten you in the arse.

I'd send sister a letter apologising to her and telling her you would stand by her whatever she decided to do because she's your sister and you love her I'd state that you'd sincerely miss her if she didn't come to your wedding. I would not discuss anything about what you said ro him nor would I apologise direcly to him but would do to her for making her situation more difficult by expressing some ill-thought out opinions on her marriage. I would also mention appreciating that you and DP are not perfect and reiterate that you will always be there for her and you're sorry she's been hurt.

In situations like this I only apologise for things I am genuinely sorry for - nothing on earth would make me apologise for speaking my mind to someone showing such disregard for a family member or total selfishness.

I tend to say, 'I'm sorry I upset you' rather than, 'I'm sorry I said X'. I am sorry they were upset but I am not taking back what I said.

Could you say, 'I'm sorry our relationship has reached this point and that DSIS is feeling so terrible about everything that has happened. I hope that you will be able to attend the wedding but I understand if you don't feel that you want to.'? Or something similar that doesn't stick in your throat.

Send the BIl this email. 'I have no intention of apologising to you. I don't actually care whether you are at my wedding or not. If you come I will be civil to you and expect the same sort of behaviour in return. Either behave like a grown up for the sake of your wife or go and fuck yourself. Remember, you are the one who has been hurting her feelings repeatedly with your infidelity, not me.'

I think sometimes you have to balance what is the right answer with what is the best possible outcome

the right answer is that they guy is quite clearly a utter w*nker and you should not apologize for telling him so

but the best outcome for you might be to apologize for interfereing or whatever he needs to hear in order to make the noise go away so you can just get on with enjoying planning your wedding without all the distraction and tooing and froing with your sister and your mum

to me an apology only really counts when it is heartfelt, but if you have to go through the motions and say the words so this pathetic little man can feel like he is right / has won - so be it - you will know that its just something you have done to make it go away, it doesn't cost you anything, and it doesn't matter what he thinks

what a twat ....(i mean him of course!!)

i feel that's a harsh way to look at things frankly.
If my sister came to me and told me her husband was cheating on her (i don't have a sis i have a bro nand would def say same) i would say the same as op..and more! i think she was quite restrained.
If my siblings partner repeatedly disrespected them, i would tell them they were a fucking idiot for staying,and if they went back to them i would accept their decision(and let them know i would always be there if needed),but tell their partner that i would struggle to ever respect/like them for a long time after they had hurt my loved one in such a way, and if they hurt them again they should sleep with one eye open!!

i understand her sister is now regretting spilling the details to the op..but that's her own bloody fault.
If you tell someone that loves you unconditionally, that someone has broken your heart,you can't expect that person not to detest them immediately!

in my opinion the op should tell this to her sis and say 'you cant punish me for defending you after you came to me with your problems.i really want you to be at my wedding.i want you to talk to the walking penis( aka bil)and tell him after what he's put you through,he will be making it up to you for the rest of his life.he should start with coming to my wedding,smiling sweetly and shutting the fuck up!"

What SGB said.

Please don't let these selfish people spoil your wedding. It would be nice if your mum could see your POV

Your mother is being unreasonable- she is siding with the easier fight, stand up to you or stand up to your sister. You sound like the more reasonable one so it seems logical she will side with your sister. It is a shame she is willing to sabotage your wedding day for it.

Your sister, I will be honest sounds like she is on the way to a fairly abusive relationships, many violent husbands/partners don't start out that way, but they manipulate twist and isolate, and then the first time they hit- they apologise and repent, and the second and the third, but really everyone has given up on the victim by then, the violence escalates and she has nowhere to turn. Sorry I know that sounds dramatic, but you ought to step back from the emotional drama and keep an eye on your sister.

Frankly's letter sounds okay-but then don't mention it again, if they come they come if they don't that's it. Book spaces for them so they can come at the last minute without a fuss.

Book yourself a new maid of honour- so that your sister and her husband don't have that weapon against you- you are getting married, people want to celebrate that, let them. Don't let your sis and BIL ruin your wedding by trying to organise it on their terms, so your sister wont be your maid of honour, it's her choice she is a grown up now and has to live by her decisions. I bet that's not what she really wants, but don't leave yourself as the only one being hurt again and again in this.

Backing sgb here. How dare he attempt to control and manipulate your whole family as a diversion for his appaling behaviour. Dont you dare apologise - go to your wedding, whcih is YOUR day and say fuck him. If that were my sisters husband, of which I have two - then I would have behaved a great deal more nastily then you!!!!!!

I am so glad I posted on here as I almost did apologise to him to "smooth things over", but I honestly think I would have always regretted it. It has also made me see that I don't have to put up with being emotionally blackmailed.

franklymydear - I have already apologised to my sister for the things I said about her husband and I have explained that it was done in sheer anger and the fact that I was trying to stick up for her when I felt she was vulnerable. I am not in the least bit surprised it has "bitten me in the arse" - I quite expected it! I just posted on here to see what people thought about whether I should apologise or not. I have always made it clear that I will be there for her.

SolidGoldBrass - I would dearly love to send that email - but I just know that if I did there would be a backlash of mammoth proportions - something I don't need at the moment!!

I'm also glad that some of you say that you would have acted the same or more nastily, because I actually did feel that I had been quite restrained! There is so much more I would love to say to the fucker, but I have tried to remain ladylike, and haven't actually called him any really bad names......yet!

OMG!!!!!
I had to come on here and rant as otherwise I was going to go to the shops to buy cigarettes even though I gave up 5 years ago!!
Large glass of white it is then!
Just had my sister on the phone laying into me and saying that she had my mum in tears earlier because I won't apologise to the fuckwit "for her sake".
She asked me if I was quite happy to have none of my family at the wedding except my dad (as he still knows nothing about it).
I could not believe what I was hearing!
None of my family are coming to my wedding because my BIL CHEATED ON MY SISTER and I had a go at him for it and don't feel I should have to apologise to him?????
What is also annoying me is that she is claiming that she can't remember all the other instances that he has been a shit to her. I was reciting the things SHE had said about him and she says she can't remember. !!!
I ended up in tears and telling her that I was only trying to protect her and that I was sorry if what I had said had upset her, etc, but she showed no feelings towards me whatsoever and just kept going on that she couldn't believe I would not apologise for her sake.
In the end she said that if I did not apologise that she was going to get BIL to send me a text telling me exactly what he thinks of me and then it will all be forgotten......em, the logic, please someone help me out here?
Methinks this is all about him having the last word, no??

Also rang dp to tell him.........now it's really going to turn into WW3............

it is all about him.

In which case, I think the only thing you can do is ask for confirmation that neither will be attending the wedding adn move on.

I know it will be horrendously difficult as your wedding day is so special to you.

I also think that maybe you need to tell this to your dad.

and for you.

what a tosser - and your sister sounds like a nut job too

are you sure you cant suck it up and make a meanigless apology to keep the peace

guess it depends how much you want your family there

As luck would have it I am going to visit my dad and stepmum this weekend so that will give me the perfect opportunity to bring it up.
Although my BIL may want to watch out as my dad has never been a fan of his and also put a guy in hospital who beat up his sister!! This was about 30 years ago though - he is a respectable businessman, not a thug!
Maybe I should not tell him?

OMG - tell your mum you're not saying your sorry because you're not but that you'll never forgive her if she doesn't come to your wedding.

Tell your Sister and BIL they aren't invited and you don't want to talk to them.

Pour large glass of wine. Hope DP is being sympathic and not too scared by what he's marrying into...

hmmm....

my first feeling is - what a difficult predicament. i do empathise though - i am like that - occassionally - speaking my mind. it does cause ructions. OTOH the world would be like Stepford wives if no-one said anything.

what strikes me is that your BIL is behaving terribly (really he should be apologising to you for his behaviour to your sister IMO). and, unfortunately, your sister is seeming to back him up. Women do this all the time. I have been somewhere similar (with a friend) and saying something in the heat of the moment is a no-win situation, however truthful, but i learnt that through experience.

i cannot suggest what to do regarding your wedding, though. I expect the truth will out and your BIL will "dis" her again. but, unless she asks for help, or the truth (and she may) unless it involves children, i think you have to leave them to it.

p.s. i don't think you can apologise unless you really mean it. you could say sorry for speaking your mind though ... or variations of.

Christ on a bike. Have been here many times over the years and learned the golden rules about talking about other people's partners.

Even just sitting there going 'Oh I know, oh you poor thing' will count against you if they get back together which the feckers inevitably will.

My sis also got cheated on and I sat and sobbed with her. Now I smile at and hug BIL as if nothing happened, we all do. Such is life. But to be fair, he wasn't asking for an apology from me, he was contrition personified and grateful to us for not ripping him a new a-hole.

I think it's really common to find a scapegoat after a marriage crisis. Is often OW, but can just as easily be person who told somebody that their partner was cheating.

They close ranks and suddenly the confidante is the bad guy. Seen it a million times.

I just don't think you should apologise - what are you supposed to be apologising for? Sitting chatting with your distraught sister?

I'm so sorry you're caught between two people who can't see further than their own noses. Don't let it overshadow your wedding. Just have people there who really want to be.