Children gone on Hols with ex and he wont answer the phone or let me speak to them!!! What can i do???

[Babywhiting]

my 2 children have gone on their hols with my ex we have been seperated for 5 years and he asked if they could go with him he has only ever had them stay 2 nights with him in a row! had the odd night once or twice!

they went friday its now thursday and i have not been able to contact them! my dd has a mobile which i ring and it keeps ringing and the ex just cuts his phone off when i ring, ive sent messages saying id like to talk to the kids which he ignored till yesterday when he sent a message saying
"not got good signal will see if they want to talk to you later"

not a word back no call nothing!

i miss my kids and wish they had never gone! what do i do??

My focus as a mother would be to consider if the children were coming to any (real) harm at all concerning the lack of contact with me and if I did believe that to be true I would be taking legal advice and making arrangments to visit them without delay!!!!

Sorry op (and I truly am because I am a clingy mum) but I believe that this is more about your need to call the shots, which I know for a fact I would be like that too.
Even though I am happily married to dd2's dad and have a good relationship with my ex dh who is the father of dd1 I still have difficulty giving them full share of parental responsibility (which they are fully entitled and worthy of)

BW - thats fantastic thst you spoke to them. I am so pleased for you and that you have some piece of mind.

They will enojoy their holiday, but they will also be very pleased to be back with their mum soon.

And well done Audrey - she sounds like a woman with her head screwed on

And they wonder why people don't want to "get involved" in suspected cases of child cruelty etc. Maybe "Audrey" is having some feelings of disquiet about her guests and that is why she was open with the OP. Good for her I say.

No-one knows what is going on in other peoples lives, not really but I think we all agree that when things go wrong someone should have "done something". Well I feel that Audrey is "doing something" whether it turns out to be misguided or not.

here here sunfleurs

sunfleurs - you ask why how I would know that the OP wouldn't send her child on holiday with someone she is scared of? Would you? Not very responsible to force the child to so something against her will which she's scared of surely

skidoodle "I have never, ever heard of any responsible adult denying a parent contact with their children in this way" - well in that case you've led a very sheltered life!

Just as an aside sunfleurs would you feel the same way if Audrey was doing exactly the same thing but the person calling was the "bad" guy? You would be OK if you had taken your kids away for a couple of weeks and your abusive ex had tracked you down and managed to get an employee on site on your side?

their side obviously.

And before anyone freaks out I am not implying that this is the case in the OP. Just that I agree with a previous poster that Audrey has involved herself inappropriately in a situation she knows nothing about.

No, probably not Morloth, no perfect answer is there? My point is that is hard to know what to do in these situations but you have to at least try don't you?

Allnew, you are right not very responsible to send your child away with someone they are scared of but it is not black and white is it? OP's dd probably loves her Dad very much. I was terrified of my Mum when I was growing up, she was very physically abusive, but I would have been heartbroken to be taken away from her and I never told anyone what was going on because I loved her. Quite often abused children try to protect their parents. Your opinion is very limited imvho. Makes me go too.

Another disclaimer here - not saying that abuse is going on in this case. Addressing your opinion in general rather than this particular situation.

I wouldn't try sunfleurs too many years in family law watching people who try to help and involve themselves getting thrown under the bus I am afraid.

Poor Audrey ...hope shes not a Mumsnetter imagine her AIBU thread

Glad you got to speaks to your dcs op

sunfleurs - wonder if you say wannabe's comment that the op has posted previous threads about moving house and not telling the ex where she'd gone. Wonder if she was thinking about the heartbroken dd then?

I thought that was only if you knew the room number?

I thought that was only if you knew the room number?

BW, glad you have spoken with your children. I agree with an earlier post that they will probably miss you inside but it is possible they are having a great time.

Just count down the days until they come home and plan a lovely tea and a lovely movie/cuddle time together to reunite.

If my DH's EXW wanted to talk to the whilst we were on holiday it would happen - no issue. When we go away in the UK or abroad we always give her the address and number of where we will be and any flight numbers in case of emergency issues. I insist on that as a mum myself to put her mind at ease that no matter where we go we WILL be bringing them back to her.

However I guess it is easy for me to give you my experience because I don't have a controlling EX in my life and we have next to no contact with DH's EXW inbetween contact times - it is settled and established. A pattern of behaviour needs to be set down and that only happens by continuity and on going contact, however difficult it gets and of COURSE, if your children want to actually go with their father.

I hope you get a good nights rest.

I read tio about half 2, and I want to say dittany I totally agree with you 100%.

allnew - seriously what happens with your DH does not mean it happens with all EX's etc - I'm sick to death on this site of step parents harping on about their poor DH's - what about the children in all of this - not all ex's are bad you know!

I'm totally disgusted at the way the OP has been slated on this post. She's worried about her kids. Hell when XH took DS away to his mums the first time (fair enough he was only 2.5) but I asked XH's mum to ring me when he got there, (well text) and then I rang DS every day just to say good night) obv now it's not so bad every other night when he goes away, btu the same applys, the child has a mobile phone, her father should not take said phone away from her to stop her contacting her mum, if he can send a message so can she from the phone - even if it's alone the lines of ok, and rings, or whatever.

he is playing games, plain and simple. he might be having a lovely time with the kids which is his right as a father, they might be loving it - but on the other hand I find it slightly odd that at that age they don't want to ring mum to say night, or indeed to tell her about their day excitedly.

I wouldn't bother ringing him at all, i'd contact the site directly. (which I now see you have, good on you, see what happens if you're happy with that, i'd ring again sat next weds jsut to check in again - after all I assume all you want to do is have a quick 2 minute convo saying hiya, have you had a lovely day etc etc.)

thesouthsbelle "what about the children in all this". Clearly in this case, the ex is doing the children a disservice. Likewise, when the op moved house without telling her ex, and her ex had to go to court to get access, she was doing her children a disservice

You're sick of stepparents talking about how their DP's are treated? In that case, sounds like you're only happy hearing one side of the story

"after all I assume all you want to do is have a quick 2 minute convo saying hiya, have you had a lovely day etc etc" - presumably that is what the ex would also like on a regular basis, but he is only allowed to call them twice a week!

no i'm not at all, i'm on the side of the child, that knife cuts both ways, while I know there are mothers (I won't use 'birth mum' cos it's an awful term) but there are mothers who do a disservice to their child by using them as a weopn against their dads, like wise the first thing the new partners (on either side) should do is 'poor DH?DW' they've really suffered - yes yours might well have doesn't mean everyone has iycwim. i'm prob not making much sence. there's 2 sides to every story, and all that counts at the end of the day is the child having contact with both parent (obv not if one is extremely abusive etc) but contact with both sides, with every one being civil. Doesn't mean you have to like each other, lord knows I hate my EX but we are civil for DS's sake.

As the OP has already stated more went on before the court case, there are reasons she moved without telling him - reasons which you and I shouldn't speculate about - for all we know (and as the OP stated her self, her EX is manipulative & also poisons the kids against her) - also confirmed by the judge, who has to listen to all sides and make an impartial informed disicion. to this end I know there's misjudged character etc, but I really don't believe any judge would take it on face value from a mother that the EX was so bad, this alegations would need to be substantiated.

As I say, it's the kids who suffer all around really.

yes which is court ordered. if he wanted more contact then fair enough go back to court (or mediation and get it) the OP is in no way forbidding or restricting the kids from talking ot their dad (as he has done) this is a court thing not something she has said, right you can only call then twice a week at set times other wise don't bother is it.

sunfleurs- I understand your opinion, and in some ways feel those feelings too.
I was a victim of cruel parents and one of them was imprisoned for crimes against me and other children because I took steps as an adult to bring about criminal proceedings.
Prevention of child cruelty is the single most important factor in my life (and probably behind my controlling manner re relinquishing parental responsibility to my dd's very capable fathers)
Today as a positive subsequence of my childhood I work with families and children have experienced abuses of many kinds.
I hope you can find some sort of relevance? It is important to me that people understand that at the heart of what I say the children matter the most!!!!
From what the op had written I could see nothing that suggested that Audrey need do anything but pass on a message and that selfish as it is of dad to not speak to mum- he was deemed fit to take his children on holiday and the op did not suggest otherwise.

thesouthsbelle - the court will set out the minimum contact. They will not say that in no circumstances may there be more phonecalls per week than 2. That is absolute nonsense. Similarly, if contact is set out by the court for example between certain hours say 5 to 7, they are not saying that under no circumstances may the pwc allow more than this, they are saying that the pwc must facilitate the 5-7 arrangement.

If the op allows 3 calls per week, I really don't think the police are going to come and arrest her!

no but answer me this then, the court says the minimum, the OP freely admits she encourages the contact, to this end it suggests to me she would have no problem with him ringing more often (correct me if I am wrong thou), so in essence it is the fathers choice not to ring more often. Then he basically uses this against her, when it's his choice and free will?

thesouthsbelle - it is nice that you assume the OP would be happy to allow more access. Unfortunately what she actually said was "I am the main parent with all the rights" (note she refers to her rights, not the childrens')

yes she is, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't allow more calls if the father so wished and asked does it?

as I said before, it's the children all around in this. (well any situation) they are the side ii'm on, us adults well we can all fend for ourselves, children can't, and in my eyes should NEVER be used as a pawn against your ex.

for those that listened and helped thank you so so much... for those that didint and want to check my past , all i can say is i moved house without telling him as i was told to by solicitor for reasons i will not discuss for the safety of my kids! those that think im a crap mum who will not let their father see them well thats utter crap he refused to see themn for a year and i took him to court to get things settled !

some people really do talk crap and you know who you are.....stirrers!

all you lovely people out there have hearts of gold and i owe you all a big thank you again!