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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have no sympathy for people who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant...

98 replies

wannaBe · 21/07/2009 11:23

Im not talking about people who have had contraceptive failures, but about those who don't use contracepteion and then find that after they've had sex they are pregnant. I mean it's not rocket science is it?

Friend thinks she may be pregnant. She has a 5 month old baby. Says she will be devastated if she is pregnant, and in the next breath "the dr did give me a prescription for the pill but I couldn't be bothered to take them."

Well sorry but if you have unprotected sex then chances are you will get pregnant...

OP posts:
Buckaroo · 21/07/2009 11:25

well, you can think that they are a bit of a twat, but to have no sympathy at all is a little bit mean. imo.

Knickers0nMaHead · 21/07/2009 11:27

I somewhat agree. If you dont take precautions then you cannot be suprised if you get pregnant.

LuluMaman · 21/07/2009 11:30

i suppose it is harder to muster sympathy when people don;t help themselves, or blithely think 'it won;t happen to me'

i just can't understand the laissez faire attitude to pregnancy if you don;t really want another baby

take the pill, use a condom, do something ! surely that is easier than dealing with an unplanned pregnancy

marenmj · 21/07/2009 11:30

no sympathy here... I have a dear friend who also found herself unexpectedly pregnant when her DS was 5 months old.

I have a 7 mo old baby and am still a little unclear on how second babies are conceived. I mean, don't you have to um, have sex to be preggo?

clearly I am doing something wrong as sex has been something scarce since DD was born

lizziemun · 21/07/2009 12:14

YABU

You don't know the full circumstances.

It took me 2.6yrs to get pg with dd1 at 35 then 3yrs to pg with dd2 at 38. Then we had sex once on day 22 of my cycle when dd2 was 10mth and i got pg at 39.

Mind you having said that i had ds on sat, came home on sunday then on monday i arranged for dh to have the 'snip'.

Northernlurker · 21/07/2009 12:47

Well unexpected pregnancy happens to an awful lot of people and tbh they probably aren't all that interested in your judgements of their morals and common sense.

Looking at a positive pregnancy test when you don't want to be is a terrifying and overwhelming experience. Sure with hindsight and all that but nobody's perfect and unless you've been there you can't understand how that feels.

Wannabe - I'm assuming you haven't been there because if you have I would assume you could find some compassion towards your friend rather than your current smugness in this regard.

MojoLost · 21/07/2009 12:56

I do agree with you WannaBe.
I have an acquaintance who is in her 40s who was happy with just 2 children, categorically did not want any more.
When she told me that she was pregnant with her third (by the way, her face showed utter disappiontment!!) she told me it was a "drunken night accident", thankfully she is happily married.
I honestly thought it was really irresponsible of her.

Original poster
wannaBe · 21/07/2009 13:14

oh come on - everyone with half a brain knows that you get pregnant by having sex, and that if you're not using contraception there is a chance you will get pregnant - even if you're ttc for a long time, it could potentially happen any time.

She had sex once to conceive her current baby - she says that herself. And her first words to me when I saw her after she'd had him was "I'm never having any more. Ever."

If she actively decided not to use contraception and to then have sex she obviously isn't as against having another baby as she claims she is.

OP posts:
LuluMaman · 21/07/2009 13:27

i think part of it is to do with the fact that a lot of women don't understand their bodies. and think that if you hvea a cycle a certain lenght, then you are only fertile in a certain few days

lots of people think withdrawal is a method of contraception

lots of people think that forgetting one or two pills won't matter

or not using contraception once won't matter

i think once you are of child bearing age you should be responsible enough to understand how things work and that every time you have unprotected sex , there is a risk of pregnancy

choosing not to take contraception because you can't be bothered is silly

HerBeatitude · 21/07/2009 13:34

Well there's no law that says you have to have sympathy I suppose.

I generally do sympathise with my friends though, when they screw up through their own fault. That's what friends are for. And they sympathise with me as well, because we're not all perfect and we recognise that we all have faults and make mistakes - we're not friends with each other because of our perfection though.

HerBeatitude · 21/07/2009 13:34

Well there's no law that says you have to have sympathy I suppose.

I generally do sympathise with my friends though, when they screw up through their own fault. That's what friends are for. And they sympathise with me as well, because we're not all perfect and we recognise that we all have faults and make mistakes - we're not friends with each other because of our perfection though.

HerBeatitude · 21/07/2009 13:36

oops.

My use of the post message button isn't very perfect either.

Morloth · 21/07/2009 13:43

Well it is a bit daft to be having unprotected sex if you don't want to be pregnant.

Bit of a tricky one.

On one hand I think "Well that was bloody stupid wasn't it". On the other a friend is pregnant and she dosn't want to be, doesn't really matter how she got there.

JackBauer · 21/07/2009 13:45

I do see what you are saying, while I might have some sympathy, I would still think they are a pillock.

NormaSknockers · 21/07/2009 13:46

YANBU OP.

Like you say when someone finds themself unexpectedly pregnant after failed contraception or being told they'll never get pregnant naturally that kind of thing I have sympathy.

But to be having sex, not taking any precuations at all & then being upset/devestated/scared etc that they are then pregnant & then expect you to say "there, there it's ok" is it a bit daft. I'm sorry if that's harsh but it doesn't take a genius to know that having sex unprotected may lead to getting pregnant!

TheFallenMadonna · 21/07/2009 13:51

My DH put his hand in lawnmower and nearly lost a thumb and three fingers. It was undoubtedly a stupid thing to do, as he kept telling me all the way to the hospital. And everyone with half a brain can work out that putting your hand in a lawnmower could result in injury.

I'm still very sympathetic. Although 'pillock' is putting it mildly

I do suspect sometimes that you might be missing the empathy gene Wannabe

krumbockmummy · 21/07/2009 13:53

I agree with wannbe i get sick and tried of these people, accidents do happen but if you cant be bothered to protect your self from pregnancy and diseases then tough luck.

I was on the contraceptive pill when i feel pregnant with DD had been on it for years, never missed one "but some how fell pregnant??" DD is now 3 yrs old and i am happily married expecting another baby any day now.

People (male and female) should be responsible for themselves, contraception is easy to get hold of in many forms.

roneef · 21/07/2009 13:55

Stupid question-

Why is withdrawal not a method of contraception(if done at the right moment)?

I'm on the pill but lots of people I know claim to do it.

Seems really unsatisfying.

Sorry for hijack

BalloonSlayer · 21/07/2009 13:58

Mojolost, are you an acquaintance of mine?

I got pg in exactly those circumstances.

In our case, one of the reasons we were not always as careful as we should have been was because we are OK for money and knew it would not be the end of the world if we had a third DC.

After I got caught out, I never expected anyone to give me sympathy. Yeah we'd been careless and our plans for the future had got a bit messed up. But why should anyone feel sorry for me? - I had the greatest gift of all: an unplanned new DC to love. When he was born I felt as if I'd won the lottery without buying a ticket !! Still do.

TarkaLiotta · 21/07/2009 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

krumbockmummy · 21/07/2009 14:03

Roneef sperm does not just get released when a male ejaculates, a small amount comes out before hand.

Ninkynork · 21/07/2009 14:08

In the immortal words of ExH referring to his ex GF, "no we weren't trying for a baby we just kept having sex without using protection and she fell pregnant. Then after the baby was born she fell pregnant again!"

I'm sure there are many such people on Jeremy Kyle in the world.

And there was my best friend on the pill and using condoms who got pregnant at 19 during her first year at Uni

KingRolo · 21/07/2009 14:13

I kind of agree.

Anyone who doesn't use contracpetion (and I don't include clueless teenagers in this) muct be secretly wanting a baby mustn't they? If you really didn't wnat one you'd make bloody sure you didn't have one, like I did all through my 20s.

Paolosgirl · 21/07/2009 14:15

Exactly - and I speak as someone who has a 'surprise' in the form of DS2! I made absolutely bloody sure I didn't have a baby in my teens and twenties - 30's, not so much

AnnVan · 21/07/2009 14:23

I do and I don't agree I can honestly understand one mistake (after all my ds wasn't exactly planned ) After all, none of us is perfect. However, I do draw the line at constant mistakes. I knew a girl who got pregnant, her boyfriend was an arse, had 5 kids by 4 women, kept her waiting in the snow (she was pregnant) while shagging someone else upstairs. So she had a termination. Fine. Now she gets pregnant again, by the same guy. Guess what? Another termination. Has she learned her lesson yet? Nope she gets up the duff AGAIN still by the same guy. Her third termination. Now you'd think she'd have learned by now. Nope she's knocked up again STILL by the same guy. Only now she's run out of free abortions on the nhs, so she has the baby. Do I have any sympathy for her?? NOT A CHANCE.

Even if you forget to use a condom, it's easy enough to get the morning after pill. Yes it costs a bit of money, but it's still cheaper than having a baby.