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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pull out of best friend's (small) wedding 10 days before the event?

226 replies

weddingmare · 13/07/2009 20:44

I have known about this for about a year - I have NO excuse, I am just utterly dreading it.

I am going with DD, across the country on the train, to stay with a friend for the night (travelling across London). DD is 7 and I've never been away by myself with her, so I'm dreading the whole thing.

She will be the only child there, it's a small do, and worst of all, it will mean missing the last 3 days of our annual summer family holiday (7 days in a caravan) and leaving DH and the baby in the caravan to go.

She's my BEST FRIEND but I am sooo stressed about going, the journey, the train connections, staying in a friend's empty house, finding the venue, missing the holiday... I feel like our ONE holiday together is going to be ruined by me stressing about the whole thing. I feel like crying.

What should I do? I am so stressed. I feel terrible.

OP posts:
hmc · 15/07/2009 14:00

YABU - and its unhealthy to have this amount of stress over such trivial matters. I am not being unkind - its just that you can't live your life stressing out over normal stuff like train journeys etc

I am inclined to do the same thing (friend is currently working on me to go for Bestival for the day next week, but I am stressing about traffic and parking) - however I try not to let this sort of stuff defeat me. It's very life limiting otherwise

hmc · 15/07/2009 14:01

Probably should have read thread before posting - will skim read it now!

noddyholder · 15/07/2009 14:06

hmc it is trivial to you but not to everyone else

StealthPolarBear · 15/07/2009 14:37

Glad you have things sorted.
I can understand your anxiety - we recently went to a wedding in Cornwall of a close friend that involved setting off at 6am to get there for a 3pm wedding, and :

  • Staying at ILs the night before (and leaving 15mo DS there - he was invited but we didn't want to take him on the journey)
  • lift to the station
  • Train to another city
  • underground train to the airport
  • Flight to Cornwall
  • Drive in a hire car for about an hour in a county we'd never been to as adults

The preparation and the potential for something to go wrong made me panic - but lots of planning and luck meant it went smoothly - I was on edge until we were in the hire car though!

Fruitbeard your offer was very kind, but IMO offering to let someone stay in your house that you don't know is very risky (sorry I'm assuming you don't know each other off MN). Please please don't do it!!

StealthPolarBear · 15/07/2009 14:42

meant to say my friend did the same for me (in reverse) a couple of years earlier for my wedding! And the same when I had DS so actually I owe her one

wilbur · 15/07/2009 14:56

Wedding Mare - I think you are doing exactly the right thing in getting sorted out to go to the wedding. You would hate yourself if you didn't go, and tbh it would devastate your best friend. I had a couple of late no shows at my 40th b'day last year (inc my sister) and that was bad enough. If it makes you feel better, I am taking dd (6) to Toronto for a family wedding in August and I am really looking forward to it - yes, it's a long flight and then we are driving for 6 hrs with my uncle and a random cousin I barely know - but it's going to give me proper time with dd, she will love being on her own and not swamped by her brothers. I hope your trip works out to be fun for you and dd.

lucykate · 15/07/2009 15:11

weddingmare, glad you came back to the thread, glad you've been sorting things out. i really hope you have a lovely family holiday, and the trip to the wedding goes well for you and your dd.

if you feel up to it afterwards, please post back and let us know how it all went.

take care, x.

katiestar · 15/07/2009 15:15

The time for pulling out is long gone !I think you should stick to your plans.Stressful as it might be,I think going out of one's comfort zone sometimes is a really good thing.

myredcardigan · 15/07/2009 15:22

I wouldn't go for the simple reason that I wouldn't cut short our family holiday to attend a friend's wedding when I know she'll barely manage to speak to my anyway. She will not really miss you anywhere near as much as you'll miss your holiday.

We had good friends (a couple) pull out of our wedding just two days before. This is a couple we see socially regularly both then and now. TBH, I didn't think about them once all day and the only issue was the seating plan which isn't really an issue at all.

If you do decide to go, treat it as a day out for you and your DD rather than a trek.

I so hope you're not back on here following the wedding saying, 'AIBU to be p*ssed off that I cut short my one family holiday, travelled all this way, bride didn't even manage a hello then the resturant meal was the most unchildfriendly environment imaginable.'
Just be prepared for the same people who said oh you must go to say YABU, it was her wedding...

katiestar · 15/07/2009 15:26

My red cardigan - its not a case of whether it is reasonable for her to go or not.Its the fact that she has known about the wedding for a year and contemp0lating pulling out 10 days before.

myredcardigan · 15/07/2009 16:02

Oh I know that's a factor here but what's done is done. There's not point in going just because she should have told her earlier.

I think she should just be honest with her friend and say she's really unhappy about cutting short her holiday. Also the fact that it's the friends 2nd wedding probably means she'll be less bridzilla and will probably understand. Especially if she has kids herself. I would.

londonartemis · 15/07/2009 16:14

But My Red C, it is the height of rudeness to cancel acceptances because you can't be bothered, or a better offer comes up, especially at short notice. As far as I understand both dates have been set in stone for a year.

EightiesChick · 15/07/2009 16:27

The one unanswered point for me is why can't your DH keep both children with him? Yes it will be an adventure to take DD, and you can have a great time, but in your shoes I would have been salivating at the prospect of a day or two by myself, doing grown up things, and a 7 hour train journey with no one to disturb me reading my book and drinking a nice coffee! Would almost have been worth leaving the holiday for... Will your DH not agree to look after them both on his own?

It's the timing of this that's the U bit. Had you said you were unfortunately on holiday on the wedding date when you got the invitation, or even a few months ago, it would be OK, but now it really is too late, I would feel, in your position. Suck it up, make it a nice trip for you and DD as you are doing, and tell yourself that you're building up good karma and will get a reward somewhere else in life... Good luck.

lowlandlady · 15/07/2009 16:37

Poor OP!

No one is taking on the fact that it is almost impossible to say no to a wedding, particularly of someone close unless you have arranged to be seriously ill a year in advance.

Some people wouldn't accept the holiday excuse, you'd be expected to change it.

Wedding tyranny is true! Only LIARS escape! I have learned to lie! Say no to all weddings unless you're DYING to go that's my rule.....

Chrysanthemums · 15/07/2009 16:57

That is true. It really is. You would think the world would stop turning if a couple of guests didn't turn up, the way some people are about it.

It's really difficult to say no. Often I think people say yes becuase there's no other option, and then hope fervently that a sudden earthquake, flu epidemic or forgotten about pre-booked holiday will suddenly appear and they just won't be able to go. Oh dear.

Chrysanthemums · 15/07/2009 17:00

Which leads me to wonder whether the entire industry is to blame...because if the wedding couple feel that they have to book the reception, get the flowers and matching napkins and dresses and shoes and jewellery and church and all that organised to a tee, as is now the done thing, no wonder they go bonkers when someone doesn't do exactly as they expected them to.

You just can't orchestrate a monstrous occasion without getting everyone else to play their part exactly right too.

I don't think this applies in this case though - it's a second wedding, anyway, surely she would understand.

lowlandlady · 16/07/2009 10:21

well said Chrysanthemums, this whole thread does not take on board how hard it is to say no in so much advance

Wwe were invited to a wedding with 18 months notice!! We actually did want to go and made the effprt and luckily all children were really welcome so we didn't have torturous childcare to sweat over. BUT the point remains, how on earth could we have refused? I said to my husband the only excuse is a majorly intimate family anniversary or something, parents golden wedding whatever. Hard to lie about if untrue.

You can't say - Oh Lord, how lovely to be invited but I don't want to come!! Sometimes you want to go but it is NOT easy to say no the year before.

In this instance:
1] the lovely OP did have a good enough excuse but felt too loyal to say no and is payiing for being a bit soft, I empathise hugely. Better to be brtual than to make an unreasonable sacrifice.
2] I still think the bride here would be ok about it, even now but the tickets are booked
so bonne chance!
And you will go with the blessings of the Wedding Tyrants and Moralistas and Etiquette Fascistas on this thread!!!
I'm sure it will be fine but remember.... etch it on your heart
never ever say yes again to any wedding unless you are literally panting to go!!

lowlandlady · 16/07/2009 10:46

I have a single gf who has been to a hundred weddings over the years. She absolutely hates them, she goes just out of duty. Last time she was literally asked if she was a lesbian like the Kirstin ST in 4 Weddings and a Funeral!

She goes to weddings of distant friends, cousins, parents cousin's kids. It depresses her hugely, she spends a fortune on presents. She no longer thinks she'll meet Mr Right as single men are like vats of honey at weddings and single women in their 40s are like pariahs (she says).

I say WHY do you put yourself through it? She just has the awed respect for the social invitation. You can't say no unless you have literally been kidnapped or genuinely in hospital with limbs a dangling from ropes or in emergency surgery or in prison.

The liar is king in this situation!

BottySpottom · 16/07/2009 16:39

I nearly didn't go to a wedding once. When I got there I hated it because everyone else was married and talking about babies and teletubbies. I even thought about sneaking off.

A couple of hours later I met my husband

pindy · 14/08/2009 08:28

Did you go?

sunshineonarainyday · 14/08/2009 08:31

Ooh, yes, I have been wondering this too!

proverbial · 14/08/2009 13:14

I don't understand why its so difficult to say no to weddings? Why would you go to scores of weddings of distant family members if you don't want to? You just reply to the invite with a thank you but no card, its pretty easy. Whats wrong with people?

LynetteScavo · 14/08/2009 13:25

Well, I think the bride was out of order to only invite two people....why not invite her best friends children?

So how did it go???

StealthBearWipesBumOnDailyMail · 14/08/2009 13:27

I was wondering about this the other day too!

mathanxiety · 15/08/2009 00:48

I agree that there seems to be a way too high level of anxiety here, and maybe you could see about this when the crisis passes. Your DH needs to be worked on to accompany you, though. What on earth is he going to do all alone with a baby at the beach? He can't swim, he can't go out for a pint, just him and the baby, and the place he's staying is going to smell like nappies if the weather's warm. Meanwhile he has a free house in London to relax and watch telly in, with a proper toilet and bathroom and a fridge while you go to the wedding, either on your own or with the DD. There's no use looking back and saying why didn't you change the holiday date, or why didn't you tell the bride sooner -- not helpful right now, but pointers for the future.
If you do end up going by train with the DD and leaving DH behind, just make sure you make her go to the toilet before you get to that six minute change of trains and know exactly where you have to go when you leave one train and try to get to the other. Travel light.

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