to pull out of best friend's (small) wedding 10 days before the event?

[weddingmare]

I have known about this for about a year - I have NO excuse, I am just utterly dreading it.

I am going with DD, across the country on the train, to stay with a friend for the night (travelling across London). DD is 7 and I've never been away by myself with her, so I'm dreading the whole thing.

She will be the only child there, it's a small do, and worst of all, it will mean missing the last 3 days of our annual summer family holiday (7 days in a caravan) and leaving DH and the baby in the caravan to go.

She's my BEST FRIEND but I am sooo stressed about going, the journey, the train connections, staying in a friend's empty house, finding the venue, missing the holiday... I feel like our ONE holiday together is going to be ruined by me stressing about the whole thing. I feel like crying.

What should I do? I am so stressed. I feel terrible.

[noddyholder]

When I was in the throes of this sort of anxiety a wedding would have finished me off.i still couldn't travel on the tube but can do trains and buses.I also think life is too short to torture yourself but if you don't go it is worth looking at why afterwards and maybe seeking help.I missed my sisters graduation because of this and it was a big deal but she was more concerned about me and we had a celebration a week later on me at Pizza express and she was happy with that.I can't believe how harsh some people are something could happen today to affect you in this way forever.Lets hope it never does eh?

[Streetlight]

This is it Noddy. It is never a matter of 'Oh I can't be arsed', otherwise you would just not go - or wouldn't have been invited in the first place if you were that kind of person!

I almost lost the friendship but in retrospect it wasn't really about that. I never go to family occasions. I missed my sister's wedding, most of the funerals, I stay behind and look after the pets for everyone else People know it now. I'm no good with travelling. I make up for it in other ways, or at least try to. But it freaks me out.

[Streetlight]

I partly just don't 'get' celebratory events - they are full of falseness it seems to me, well a small wedding prob isn't too bad, but the big show offy stuff, everyone having to adhere to social codes, makes me genuinely upset and very panicky. I always have a sudden urge to run away from it all. That is not good if you are a bridesmaid. And it is so sudden and so strange that you might not even anticipate you're like that till the few days before the event.

[noddyholder]

The relief for me when something was cancelled and I didn't have to go was physical-literally.I shook with fear at the thought of a school carol concert but forced myself and then ds said he didn't see me !

[Streetlight]

Typical

I'm lucky in that some of my family understand what I am like now. Though I feel sure some of them resent me for not being part of what they see as 'normal' rituals, and don't get it and are therefore masisvley offended.

[SerendipitousHarlot]

Fruitbeard that was really kind of you x

[YummyMummy17]

I think your being a bit selfish, what if she missed your wedding just because she was scared of missing a train? There will be plenty more family holidays in years to come, your best friend isn't going to get married again !
And it would be good for you to bond with your 7year old if you's haven't been away on your own before. I think you should weigh up your pro's and con's.

It also seems that you have already made up your mind about not going, your just wanting people to agree with you. As people are making sugestgions and your disagreeing with them.

Let us know how you get on ....

x

[noddyholder]

I think this does all depend on how important you consider weddings to be in general.I am not married and hate weddings so I would feel ok about not going whereas if marriage is v important to you you would feel more inclined to push yourself to go.

[Devongirl]

OP, send this thread to your friend so she can see what a dilemma you've had - you've been nothing but honest about wanting to go and all the problems it is going to bring up - we can all tell you genuinely would love to go, but anyone with kids can understand the stress this is putting you under.

I'm sure once your friend realises how you are feeling she wouldn't want to be adding to your stress xxxxxx

[BradfordMum]

I think you're looking for excuses.

YABU.

This is a BIG THING to your best friend, and in the big picture, you're small fry.

Get over it and do NOT spoil her wedding

[mowbraygirl]

Weddingmare you have said the wedding is at Romford Town Hall I live near Romford and as far as I know they do not do weddings at the town hall. There is a venue quite close that I do know does weddings have they said on invite exactly what the place is called?

[juicychops]

hi weddingmare. i live in Dartford which is just the other side of the river to Romford right by the M25 bridge. Dartford is a bigger station than some so more train routes go through Dartford. if there is a more direct route for you from Cornwall to Dartford (and maybe cheaper too?) than what your doing already then i will be happy to pick you up from Dartford and drive you to Romford to wherever it is you need to go. i have an essex a-z for some reason!!

[Streetlight]

I suppose nowadays with half or whatever it is of marriages ending in divorce, it might nOT be the last time. Sorry, I know that's highly cynical perspective but I do feel very sad that marriage has lost some of its sanctity because of those who don't take it seriously OR are unlucky enough to be married to someone who doesn't

[RenagadeMum]

Have followed this thread.

Sorry Weddingmare that you are stressed about this. Would have felt very sorry for you had it just been about the stress of travelling. But you have put too many things in the pot now to think that that is truly the reason.

Like: why book a holiday at the time when you knew you should be at the wedding? Bit odd. You say you have known about this for a while.
Why are you so fussed about the money aspect? OK, its alot of money but again, you have had all year to save. Money of course is tight, but if this is the reason really, then your friend will understand (I guess?)

I think you just don't want to ruin your holiday and have the hassle. Just cancel now and come clean with your friend, if you are honest she MAY not mind.
If you do go, don't say a word about any hassle it cause you. It is not her problem.

[Laquitar]

Tbh i am surprised that OP came back, read the thread and only noticed the only one post that called her 'bitchy'. When all the others went out of their way to help. Some posters have cheched the jorney for her, offered to email details, one poster even offered her house key!

I don't think the response in general was harsh, i think was very supportive. If i was the OP i would be very touched. But in the end of the day it seems we cannot help someone who is so negative and who doesn't want to help herself

[bigchris]

juicychops you are lovely

[ErnestTheBavarian]

weddingmare,

in your position, I would not go. Definately not. I'd make my excuses, send her a special present then try to do something special with her another time if possible.

I can sort of not really understand you being so anxious about the journey. But I do think it's a slippery slope you need to watch out for. My aunt didn't really like going in lifts. She used to, then she finally stopped, she gave into it, then it was trains, before you know it, she can't fly, can't travely unless by car and her dh driving, can't go in tunnels. She can't do anything hardly now. I really don't believe in giving into the fear...

Oh, and is it just me but I find it very very very weird that you've never really been anywhere just you and dd. She's 7! In 7 whole years you've never gone away and done anything without your dh??? I find that weird and not healthy tbh.

Seriously, ditch the wedding, but I'd advise you work on doing stuff with your dd, without your dh. You need to learn a bit of independance by the sounds of it.

ENjoy your holiday.

[dal21]

To the OP. It sounds as though you are very anxious about this. I am totally with the other posters who say pre planning the journey will take the stress out of this.

I am not going to be harsh - but I am going to ask you to really think carefully about the ramifications of pulling out of this. Best friends are gold dust and if you pulled out, I cannot help but think that she will be incredibly upset.

I wouldnt miss my best friends big day for anything.

Please just make sure that you think this through. You can always go on a caravan holiday. This is a once in a lifetime moment.

[Laquitar]

Is not just you Ernest. It is odd that she hasn't been anywhere without dh. This isn't a specific phobia about train or something, it is quite different i think.

[sleeplessinstretford]

i think you shouldn't go- i think you absolutely should not ring the bride in advance-tell her how HORRIFIC you are finding the idea of getting to her wedding and lay all that at her feet.
Just don't go, send a message on the morning of the wedding (not to the bride to someone else going)and say having a 'mare-we're on holiday, have missed train and am gutted i'll miss your special day'
DO NOT SEND HER THIS THREAD FFS-it's just a litany of 'issues' none of which are the brides.

[RenagadeMum]

Sleepless, I think I would SLAY anyone who couldn't be arsed to get the right train at the right time on the day!!

[noddyholder]

I don't think its odd that she hasn't if she has true social phobia/anxiety.I think if you suffer this you would be surprised if you had been.i remember my best friend went to thailand with her 4 kids on her own when I was suffering this and I just couldn't believe it.I still wouldn't go to London with ds alone unless I was feeling tip top health wise because i can cope if I feel 'well'.In the OP situation I would prob want dp to come or I would just pull out and then try to get to the bottom of it all

[tennisaddict]

sleepless, that is an awful thing to do to a friend

what a cavalier and selfish vibe that would give out..."wel, actually, I just cannot be arsed to get to your wedding, have a nice day ..."

OP, if she really is finding it such a big deal, should telephone her friend and explain the exact reasons why

unless she doesn't value the friendship