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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pull out of best friend's (small) wedding 10 days before the event?

226 replies

weddingmare · 13/07/2009 20:44

I have known about this for about a year - I have NO excuse, I am just utterly dreading it.

I am going with DD, across the country on the train, to stay with a friend for the night (travelling across London). DD is 7 and I've never been away by myself with her, so I'm dreading the whole thing.

She will be the only child there, it's a small do, and worst of all, it will mean missing the last 3 days of our annual summer family holiday (7 days in a caravan) and leaving DH and the baby in the caravan to go.

She's my BEST FRIEND but I am sooo stressed about going, the journey, the train connections, staying in a friend's empty house, finding the venue, missing the holiday... I feel like our ONE holiday together is going to be ruined by me stressing about the whole thing. I feel like crying.

What should I do? I am so stressed. I feel terrible.

OP posts:
lowlandlady · 14/07/2009 22:57

HEY sayithowitisWHA'EVA!!! put your handbag DOWN I don't live far from there mysen' matey!!

let her not go! one week! swine flu! the sea! let her be! let her have that idyll! leave her alone!! she be no twunt!!

LOL LOL LOLcoppola!!! Actually I was at a three hour governors meeting at my ds's school and feel demented by it being over and having a cheese sandwich I was so hungry! The meeting went on so long! My relief is beyond hysterical!

SerendipitousHarlot · 14/07/2009 23:01

weddingmare it was quite rude of you to just leave the thread without any thanks to lots of really kind people here that have offered to help you out.

So that's sort of what's affected my decision a bit - when I first read OP, I felt a bit sorry for you, although I did think you were coming over a little bit pathetic if I'm honest.

But I didn't like the change in attitude when people started disagreeing with you. So I have come to the conclusion that you are a bit silly and a bit spoilt.

I had 2 friends not turn up for my wedding - they had also known about it for a year, and I never spoke to either of them again.

YABU

KristinaM · 14/07/2009 23:01

oh i see [duh]

sorry all the london insults referenmces confused me as a foreigner

lowlandlady · 14/07/2009 23:03

this

or

this

motherpi · 14/07/2009 23:07

lll

lowlandlady · 14/07/2009 23:08

I'm virtual local to the latter so dunna shout at me whaeva slaginnit!

Original poster
weddingmare · 15/07/2009 08:44

Hello,

OK I am doing that thing of coming back to the thread to defend myself explain a couple of things.

I DID thank everyone for their advice in my last post. I'm sorry that people don't feel that this was grateful enough. I do appreciate all your very kind offers and advice. I particularly appreciate your views and opinions which was what I really wanted. I know that AIBU is a great place to get a reality check and this has been great.

I did find it REALLY upsetting to read opinions that I was selfish and bitchy and a rubbish friend - the latter is one of the most hurtful things you can say, I think, and I read it loads on MN. Anyway, that's just me.

The invitation was sent to me 'and partner' - her husband is sorting out all the wedding arrangements, she is not really that into this sort of thing. It is her second wedding. DD is her godchild so I just sort of automatically thought that I'd take her instead of DH - DH and I don't have anyone to take the children, he doesn't like weddings at all and always feels slightly uncomfortable around her I think (he's never admitted this) because me and her were an item a very very very long time ago for a very very very short period of time! I don't know why I just assumed it would be fine. It sounds really stupid now. Anyway when BF realised this she sort of stuttered a bit and I realised I'd been an idiot but this was only recently.

WELL the tickets are booked and I will do as you have all advised and work out a detailed route. I travel a lot by myself but this will be four trains over seven hours to a town hall and restaurant lunch with no one I know (except for her family) and I probably will only get five minutes to talk to her anyway. She is not the sort of person to think of this as the biggest day of her life AT ALL so she wouldn't mind me putting it that way. I DO resent the money because I think it could have been much better spent on a girlie night away together which we haven't had for about eight years! But it's that 'wedding tyranny' thing of feeling obliged to do the 'right thing'. Well I can only be honest about it!

Anyway it's all planned now so thanks for your advice - you have given me lots of really good tips with coping with the arrangements both practically and emotionally. I have already made some mind maps and printed things out. I really DO appreciate all your advice and lovely lovely generous offers. xxx

OP posts:
fishie · 15/07/2009 08:49

weddingmare i'm glad you came back to the thread. i think you have been treated rather unfairly by some posters but that is just what aibu encourages. i wish you'd posted it in 'what would you do?' it might have been better.

motherpi · 15/07/2009 08:55

"Wedding Tyranny"

Your best friend has invited you to her very small no-children wedding, has offered you her house to stay in and has broken her own rule to let your daughter come.

How on earth are you making this about her being unreasonable? If you're going to be so passive aggressive, maybe you should not go.

noddyholder · 15/07/2009 09:12

reading your last post I still wouldn't go !

Lovesdogsandcats · 15/07/2009 09:20

I must be the odd one out then. Because I would not go. Moreover, my best friend would understand!!

OP had ALREADY booked holiday before friend booked wedding, so why should she cut it short by 3 days, and not only that, a 7 hour train journey? No way would I be doing this.

If I were on my one holiday of the year by the sea with the kids, why should the family have all this spoilt half way through? Not much of a holiday is it?

Tell the friend you do not want to do only half of your week long family holiday as it is not fair on the kids. A real friend will agree with you and not expect you to do this!! Cannot understand why I am in the minority here..

Chrysanthemums · 15/07/2009 10:25

I don't think you ought to cut your holiday short especially if it was booked before the wedding was.

Bonkers Scrap the maps
stay with your family.
Sounds like she will understand.

noddyholder · 15/07/2009 10:32

Family holiday way more important and fun.You will snatch 5 mins with her if you're lucky and like most brides she will be pulled in 100 directions on the day

Mintyy · 15/07/2009 10:40

The op should go because she got herself into this situation. Why couldn't she say when she received the invite - "Oh dear, really sorry, but we will be on holiday then so I won't be able to come".

For whatever reason she didn't do that, nor did she raise the issue with her best friend in the year that's passed since the holiday was booked and the invite was issued.

She should go because she needs to take responsibility for her own actions, like the adult that she is. Admit she has made a mistake and suck it up.

CrushWithEyeliner · 15/07/2009 11:18

It is too late to back out now (you should have declined on invitation) but you have my sympathies for that nightmare journey. Good luck and try to be positive!

lowlandlady · 15/07/2009 11:20

weddingmare, good luck, you are noble.
you are making a massive sacrifice for your friend because you are keeping a promise.
Fair enough.... maybe you can make it into a real adventure with dd. (I did london Devon with ds once on train, less far but we had a ball on our own) you'll be fine of course, think positive.

BUT I would wish that you never ever commit to anything again that takes you away from your family until you are absolutely certain you are happy and willing to make that effort. Use this as a real life lesson, your family need to come first in future, no invitation takes automatic precedence. Every invitation needs to be weighed up carefully before you agree to it!

If you make a solemn vow to be really assertive in future for your own happiness then it's not to be regretted and you can just make to the most of the trip and try to really enjoy it, it's a special thing to do with your dd after all and a chance for her to feel a special bond with her gm.

But wedding tyranny does exist..... I only go if I really, really, really want to. There is nothing more unpleasant than a great trumped up in a blancmange BRIDE stropping about like Hitler, cracking a whip so that she can have her godforsaken, pityeveryone else, get out of my way, me me me me, I'm a princess, lick my coach, have mercy upon us

SPECIAL DAY !!!!

(Obviously your mate isn't one of these HarridanDivas but you know what I mean! hugs to you OP, good luck!! and write it on your heart never again)

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/07/2009 12:10

least you know the brides family (unlike me) how many are going to wedding - ie how small is it?

so you are saying that as you had a fling/relationship with your bf many years ago, your dh wont go? is he threatened?

glad you are going - try and have fun

MorrisZapp · 15/07/2009 12:51

I don't believe a word of it.

But good luck if it is real.

Chrysanthemums · 15/07/2009 13:11

Why don't you believe it Morris? Intrigued..

pagwatch · 15/07/2009 13:21

Lowlandlady is right.

If you don't learn from this experience it will be very sad.
People are on the whole understanding and accepting of other peoples circumstances.
If I invite someone to a function and the say 'thank you but sadly I am on holiday' I don't have the slightest problem with that. But someone pretending that they are going and then waiting until the last moment to change their mind would be unacceptable. You shouldn't make committments unless you are reasonably sure you can go through with it.
My DS has SN. We always have to think through all contingencies before we can accept anything. People are always lovely about this and don't mind at all as long as we talk through with them what the issues are.

I hope you enjoy it more than you anticipate. My DD is 6 and she would love the excitement of a journey and a wedding - even if she knew no one there.

You should try and get support for your issues. Life gets very small and closed in if you don't resist those urges - with help of course.

Original poster
weddingmare · 15/07/2009 13:34

Thanks for your posts, they are really appreciated

I have definitely learned my lesson - TBH I don't really enjoy weddings (not as much as DH who totally refuses to have anything to do with them and thinks I should adopt his attitude and always say no - maybe he has a point!). Family holiday is the most important thing of my whole year actually, I have been an idiot about this with total head-in-sand attitude and I have no one to blame but myself!

I don't think the bride is being unreasonable at all, I don't know where I have said that. When I mentioned 'wedding tyranny' I was referring to a previous post's phrase about the obligations you feel about these things, not judging the bride. I also don't think that DH is threatened by my BF, not at all, but I would feel weird attending the wedding of an ex-gf of his - but just because I wasn't feeling wildly enthusiastic about it doesn't mean I would feel threatened. DH just hates weddings all round TBH.

I really don't think I have major issues which need sorting - as I said, I got away loads by myself. But there is a difference between that and feeling stressed about missing our family holiday to travel for seven hours on four trains with a child. I haven't taken the children away by myself because there is no need to and I wouldn't enjoy it - the younger one throws up all the time when travelling which DH doesn't mind coping with but I HATE. Why would I inflict sole care of sicky young children on myself as some sort of fun challenge?! I am a part-time SAHM so don't feel I am missing out on that TBH.

Thanks for all your advice, it IS appreciated, I am definitely going to go (sucking it up ) and will make lots of plans.

Morris: This seems like a really unimaginative and boring made-up story but if you want to believe that then fair enough.

OP posts:
RenagadeMum · 15/07/2009 13:37

You sound great WeddingMare. I think we all accept things knowing that as we get closer to the date that you are going to be going 'oh Bugger, wish I hadnt accepted after all!'

Have a glass of fizz for me!

Laquitar · 15/07/2009 13:38

I can't believe that some of you keep saying that the OP has not been treated well here. Am i the only one who thinks that this was one of the kindest threads? Posters have even offered their house, doesn't get more supportive than this.

We kept going on about social phobias and travel phobias. I ve written a stupid post with tips because op said 'i never been anywhere alone with dd'. Now she says 'i travel all the time'. Hmm. I think MorrissZap is right.

As for 'you should only do what makes you happy', this is something i really don't get. My dcs (all under 6) keep going all day '...but i don't want to do it, is not fair on me' and i tell them 'yes, life is not fair, you do what you have to do sometimes'. Honestly, right now i would love to be in bed with a book. If i start a thread will you tell me 'do what makes you happy, f...ck everybody'. How can you do it? (genuine question)

Original poster
weddingmare · 15/07/2009 13:46

Laquitar: I appreciate your post very much and as I said, I have taken your advice and have made lots of detailed plans for the journey. I travel a lot BY MYSELF but not alone with the children because there is no need to (and because the younger one gets travel sick and I find that really hard to cope with by myself). We do stuff together as a family and I haven't taken the children away by myself - I didn't realise that it was so normal. I wouldn't enjoy it because of the sickiness when travelling.

I really appreciate your advice and I'm sorry that I don't appear grateful enough. There has been loads of advice that I have taken and really appreciated. I don't know how I can convince you that I am not making this up.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 15/07/2009 13:56

No i didn't say you are not grateful. You did thank everybody.

But i think some of us got it wrong and had a mental picture of a weak woman, shy, and not able to travel alone. Though my first post . It happens a lot here because we don't have all the information in the begining. Then when we get more information we get confused