to pull out of best friend's (small) wedding 10 days before the event?

[weddingmare]

I have known about this for about a year - I have NO excuse, I am just utterly dreading it.

I am going with DD, across the country on the train, to stay with a friend for the night (travelling across London). DD is 7 and I've never been away by myself with her, so I'm dreading the whole thing.

She will be the only child there, it's a small do, and worst of all, it will mean missing the last 3 days of our annual summer family holiday (7 days in a caravan) and leaving DH and the baby in the caravan to go.

She's my BEST FRIEND but I am sooo stressed about going, the journey, the train connections, staying in a friend's empty house, finding the venue, missing the holiday... I feel like our ONE holiday together is going to be ruined by me stressing about the whole thing. I feel like crying.

What should I do? I am so stressed. I feel terrible.

[WynkenBlynkenandNod]

SusieDerkins you are being very harsh and you have no idea about the OP's situation. I'm not an anxious person at all, usually take everything in my stride but the wedding I went to completely stressed me out as it was just after a bereavement and DD giving up sleeping for weeks, I was chronically sleep deprived and it all seemed to much to cope with at the time. Looking back I wonder why I got myself so worked up, but I did. Sometimes life is just like that.

[SusieDerkins]

So why agree to go? I just don't get it. Say no at the outset and avoid all of this stress.

[WynkenBlynkenandNod]

Because you feel it's the right thing to do, think you'll sort it out nearer the time. Then nearer the time comes, things have got complicated, other things are going on and the more you think about it the worse it seems. Or something like that !

[SusieDerkins]

Fair point Wynken.

Sorry OP - I was too harsh. I hope you work it out.

[donna123]

If you are not going at least have the courtesy to tell the bride. She will be paying for two non-attending guests. Give her the chance to invite someone else instead - it's already a small party, don't make it any smaller.

BTW, what are you doing about the present? Hav you bought it yet, how are you going to get it to the happy couple?

[sleeplessinstretford]

but we are agreed she should do a last minute cancellation rather than ring the bride and have a fucking panic attack about using PUBLIC TRANSPORT ALONE IN THE CAPITAL CITY THAT PLAYS HOST TO MILLIONS OF TOURISTS WHO DON'T SPEAK THE LANGUAGE/USE STERLING YET STILL MANAGE TO COPE.
I am being a bit harsh here but ffs-why enable her to feeling that heaping her issues on the bride is acceptable,she's about to let her dd down and her best mate-i don't 'get' the fluffy bunny big brave soldier cheerleading that's going on on this thread?

[noddyholder]

If you are going to find it that stressful don't go! Unfortunately it will put you in a terrible position next time you have to do something outside your comfort zone and this could end up as some terrible social phobia!This happened to me after I fainted in a shopping centre when ds was about 4 and I was out for about 7 mins.After that I avoided a lot of situations and it became crippling and facing the fear has been my only way of getting back on track.Don't let this get out of hand at this stage or you really will regret it.Book a taxi for a part of the journey at least to take teh pressure off.Good luck i really know how you feel xx

[donna123]

"once everything is added up this wedding will already cost us about £350"

Do you think that this is the real issue? What price friendship, eh?

[WynkenBlynkenandNod]

Well I'm still hoping that weddingmare is having a bit of an online hissyfit, will get it out of her system and decide she's going to go. Totally agree that if she does definitely decide she isn't going to then she does need to tell the bride.

Donna, could be totally wrong but I don't think it is the money that really is the issue, it's just the OP finding another excuse about why she can't go.

I think Noddy makes a lot of sense here. Sometimes you do need to do things out of your comfort zone and it feels good when you have done them, though it seems hard to believe it before you've done it. And different people have different things that get to them, I fully understand the London public transport thing where as I can see that to some of you it must seem completely ridiculous.

[Bramshott]

I think what you're going through is a fairly normal trajectory in fact. When you first agree to do something you think "oh, it'll be great, we'll do this, and then this, and have a fab time". Then nearer the time when the reality sinks in, you have a pang of "oh my god, why have I agreed to go, I just want to stay at home, it'll be really difficult and complicated". Then in the end you go, and do it, and you DO have a great time after all!!

[GetOrfMoiLand]

I'm with SleeplessinStretford.

OP - you can't go through the rest of your life unable to travel on your own with your kids.

If you can't bear to go, play the swine flu card.

I find it difficult to understand why a train ride to London is inducing such worry in you.

[noddyholder]

unless you ahve felt the fear of something like this you can't understand it.Before it happened to me I travelled the world twice over quite often making big trips alone.When I was in the grip of it I couldn't even go to the corner shop for milk!It is awful to feel that dread

[lucykate]

just to show that traveling by car with the whole family to a wedding is no plain sailing either, when my best friend got married, it was a long drive from the north west to norfolk, lots of traffic jams. i made myself travel sick by sitting in the back and finishing off the handmade wedding present, so we ended up stopping at a friends house on the way so i could throw up (it's ok, we lived together as students, they've seen me vom before ).

then, when we finally got there, the hotel turned out to be not very child friendly, dd was 13 months at the time, didn't sleep a wink that night as had started cutting 5 teeth all at the same time, and the next morning we discovered we'd got a parking ticket.

but on the plus side, i got to spend the morning of the wedding with my friend, helped her get ready and the saw her married. it was lovely, wouldn't have missed it for the world.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

tbh i think your dh is a selfish twunt!! thats a mixture of twit and c**t if you didnt guess

he should be there to support you either by all going to london or by having both children and you go by yourself

why is your dd going if only child - yet your dh isnt invited?

we have a wedding to go to next month and i dont know anyone apart from bride and dh only knows me(he isnt 100%happy going as knows no one ) but we are a partnership and he is coming as he knows i want to go to my friends wedding

i do know what you mean about the travel - but you are a grown woman and someone on 1st page said they will map out your exact journey for you

this woman is your Bf and she has offered you her house so i really dont understand why you ALL cant go there, dh have the children, you pop along to wedding and then go home and spend the last fews days togather as a family and do london things like science museum(free)

if she is your bf then sure you will know the brides mum and dad, and possibly some of her family - even if you havent seen them for a while

[allaboutme]

stay at a cheap B&B
I found a cheap B&B near London a few weeks ago for £25, there are loads of cheap ones that arent swanky, but are fine just to sleep in
If you've already spent £350 and are worrying about the money side of it then think of it this way

£350 spent and you go but stress massively and have a hellish 14 hours travelling in 24 hours

OR

£375 spent and have a fun day relaxing at your best friends wedding as youknow you have somewhere to sleep and recover and the travel is spread over 2 days

[Streetlight]

Oh this is horrible, some of you are being really mean and patronising.

This is something OP feels terrible about already. My sister loves travelling - she would wither away if she didn't take several trips a year. I hate it - I do have Aspergers which means anything out of the comfort zone is a bit of a struggle, Ok really, really difficult. Maybe OP does too - or just finds it very frightening/anxious-making.

Being alone in London, not really knowing where you are going, staying somewhere unfamiliar, etc doesn't sound like a big deal if you take that kind of thing in your stride. But OP doesn't, clearly, and so she won't enjoy it. I would want to make the effort but wouldn't enjoy it.

It's not fair to shout at her about being pathetic and so on, it's just the way she feels and if she isn't going to enjoy it, her daughter will also not enjoy it much and they'll all have a shitty time and want to elave early - it could even engender resentment in the friendship.

So I don't think she should sacrifice a lot of money and a precious holiday to do something she's going to hate.

OP - ignore the bullying tactics, just write down a list of pros and cons, figure out whether you can face it AND enjoy it and if the answer's no, make an excuse.

Good luck - I completely understand, and it is a big deal if you find it one, end of.

[noddyholder]

streetlight I was beginning to think I was a lone voice here!

[paisleyleaf]

I change my mind constantly reading this thread.
At the moment I'm thinking don't go.

The bride doesn't really want any DCs there
it was made awkward for you with the weddingmare+1 invite anyway. (any other 'no DCs at wedding' thread the general consensus seems to be - fairdos, but bride needs to accept that you maybe can't go)
It is alot of family money
It's causing you stress.

The mistake was booking the holiday for the same time.
And accepting the wedding invite.

You need to know though: not going could well alter this friendship from now on.
Your friend will perhaps know you've booked a holiday instead of her wedding, or see it that you consider the journey too much...... and she'll probably be looking at this from a harsher light than us, as brides sometimes do about their own wedding day and expectations of friends.

(Going on your own was the best idea)

[Streetlight]

I agree it was unwise to accept the invitation but there are always such expectations in society, that 'of course' you go to your friend's wedding, and I suspect OP really wanted to do that - just that it is something she's realised will be very very difficult for her.

And therefore it's going to be an unpleasant experience, in some ways. I think it's a shame the bride will be disappointed but honestly there are other things you can do - go and see her alone another time, take her a lovely gift, or send it in the post with a nice card explaining...

yes, she might be offended or the friendship might change but any serious friendship needs to acknowledge the real personalities of each person, otherwise it's just for show.
If she knew how hard trhis was going to be for you, I doubt she would want you to go through it.

[mosschops30]

YABU for lots of reasons:

You say youre not anxious, but then why is travelling with your 7 year old such a big deal. Youre going to a major city, with good transport, with a child who is not a toddler and can understand you etc. I really dont see what the problem is.
Unless you have issues like agoraphobia or anxiety disorder I really do think youre being a tad pathetic.

Whats the big deal about your dh. Tis not treally an issue, if he wants to stay in the caravan, then let him, have a wonderful time with your dd and enjoy being girly together.

Whats your budget and where are you travelling to and from. I cant see why you cant book a cheapy travelodge for you and dd for about £30-£40, even if you travel outside the area youre going to for it.

FWIW a good friend of mine didnt come to my wedding, he knew all along they wouldnt come, they got me to book a room in the hotel etc and took up a place of a family member, then told me 3 days before they werent coming, I was mightily pissed off.
Youve know about this long enough, if you had told your friend a year ago you couldnt come then that might be different, but letting her down this close to date when youve known all along, and have no real reason to cancel other than being a bit pathetic about it all, Id be pissed off

[blinks]

god! don't go if it's a massive strain. if she's a decent friend she'll understand.

other options are for you to go on your own or with a mutual friend.

does the bride not have someone who could meet you or you could stay with/chaperone you?

[DrunkenDaisy]

Just phone your mate and be honest - don't go.

She didn't want sprogs there in the first place and you sound miserable about it.

Life's too short to do stuff you don't want to do.

[Fruitbeard]

OP, are you still there?

When's the wedding?

I live in Ilford, which is 1 stop on a fast train away from Romford or a 20 min taxi ride.

We are going away on Thursday for 2 weeks but the neighbour will have a key for plant watering/teenage son football collecting purposes. If you would rather stay there and be a bit nearer to the venue, you'd be welcome.

If it's after the 31st (when we're back) then I'd be more than happy to meet you at the station and help you on your way. I don't work Thursday/Fridays (assume the wedding's on a weekend?) so would be able to come into town and meet you (and embarrass you by holding up a big sign at Paddington saying "WEDDINGMARE"!).

CAT me.

[fishie]

streetlight and noddy you are dead right. i do hate it when people use aibu as an excuse to bully.

i wish you would go to the wedding op but not because a bunch of internetters are telling you to.

[BottySpottom]

God you're a horrible bunch of ^%&$ on here! You know nothing about this person! She may be suffering from pnd, anxiety etc - she hasn't said, but that is irrelevant.

The rest of you might be fantastically gung ho about life, but you've sht for brains when it comes to giving sensible advice to someone who is clearly struggling.