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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pull out of best friend's (small) wedding 10 days before the event?

226 replies

weddingmare · 13/07/2009 20:44

I have known about this for about a year - I have NO excuse, I am just utterly dreading it.

I am going with DD, across the country on the train, to stay with a friend for the night (travelling across London). DD is 7 and I've never been away by myself with her, so I'm dreading the whole thing.

She will be the only child there, it's a small do, and worst of all, it will mean missing the last 3 days of our annual summer family holiday (7 days in a caravan) and leaving DH and the baby in the caravan to go.

She's my BEST FRIEND but I am sooo stressed about going, the journey, the train connections, staying in a friend's empty house, finding the venue, missing the holiday... I feel like our ONE holiday together is going to be ruined by me stressing about the whole thing. I feel like crying.

What should I do? I am so stressed. I feel terrible.

OP posts:
sleeplessinstretford · 14/07/2009 14:20

Renegade- much rather that than an 18page email detailing the many reasons/stresses that the bride has had the temerity to cause by booking her wedding not on the OP's doorstep...

saintlydamemrsturnip · 14/07/2009 14:25

I'm with sleepless tbh- the bride doesn't need it atm.

But I would definitely add for goodness sake if you don't go get some help with this - or it will eat up your life bit by bit. We all have situations that make us uncomfortable (for me it is flying, loathe it with a vengeance, although I've done enough of it in my time, not for a long time though) but when these get in the way of us doing something that we would otherwise do it's time to get them tackled.

But if you're not going out without your dp anywhere then I think it's worth recognising that you won't tackle this alone- you will need some help.

nannygirlisgettingmarried · 14/07/2009 14:26

I'd go. I was SO cross when my best friend pulled out of our wedding two weeks before - it upset a lot of my plans. At a small wedding your absence will be even more noticeable, to say nothing of the stress on the bride two weeks before the wedding. (Even one guest not turning up threw plans completely upside down - don't underestimate it).

Plan, double plan and make back up plans, and you'll find you will enjoy it in the end. You'd regret missing your best friend's wedding more in years to come.

Go for it and you will be pleased you made the effort - so will your best friend.

cupofteaplease · 14/07/2009 14:26

I really feel for the OP.

Similar to another poster, I have done an awful lot of travelling on my own in the past, to different countries and using differnt modes of transport.

However, when I was suffering with PND, I couldn't even go to the supermarket on my own. I had some fab support from my HV, without whom, I may still be shopping online! Sometimes anxiety takes its hold, and it's very hard for other people to understand unless they have been in that situation.

If the OP was my BF, I wouldn't think twice about expecting her to be at the wedding. Yes I would be disappointed. I may even be a little miffed that you had agreed to come when the holiday was already booked. However, I would have checked with the key figures in my life before booking the wedding to see if the date would be suitable. I would never have invited my BF to my wedding without including her children (if she had them, my BF doesn't actually have children yet!). I also would never put my BF through this stress and upset. I read a poster say that if their BF pulled out of the wedding at a late date they would never speak to them again- all I can say to that is that you cannot be very good friends, as I could never imagine cutting my BF out of my life, for any conceivable reason.

DandyLioness · 14/07/2009 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

noddyholder · 14/07/2009 14:30

And without the appropriate help no amount of planning and double planning will help and in my case would actually add to the stress and anxiety.

Laquitar · 14/07/2009 14:34

But don't forget OP lived like this for 7 years. It s not something short term.

Saint is right. she should ask for help. They ll be more weddings to come, and other occasions and dc might need to come to london for something...

VinegarTits · 14/07/2009 14:57

Oh Good god, dont go! write an email/letter to your friend explaining your anxieties with your sincere apology, and if she is any kind of friend she will understand

There is no way you will be able to enjoy the first hlaf of your holiday with this worry hanging over your head

Oh and their is nothing wrong with being a wuss and worrying about getting a long train journey with a small child, why put yourself under so much stress! enjoy your holiday with your family and make it up to her some other time

Weddings are not life or death your know, she'll probably have another one the way divorce rates are these days

MorrisZapp · 14/07/2009 15:51

What kind of DH doesn't attend his wife's best friends wedding?

I've travelled overseas to attend the weddings of ppl I've never met because my DP was invited and it goes without saying that we go to weddings together.

Or am I weird.

I think OP is BU on many counts, her whole attitude is strange. Not one mention af actually wanting to go to her best friends wedding, not one word of thanks to the lovely people who supported her.

Surely if OP had PND etc that would have been mentioned in the OP?

It's not what you post on here, it's the side that you post it from. There was a thread last week in which some friends pulled out of a wedding (with plenty of notice) becuase it meant 3 nights in a posh hotel at top rates over a bank holiday, and long drives with kids.

Quite a few people were all 'there aren't real friends, it's your wedding day, they should put themselves out for you, forget them' etc.

lowlandlady · 14/07/2009 16:18

I just hate the tyranny of weddings! they can be such a drag once you have kids
i love saying no!!!!
good luck, I totally empathise
I've said yes to things in the past because i didn't know how to say no. So many people are weird about w eddings you just have to go unless you've got an aMAzing excuse!
I actually think an annual family holiday of a week is totally precious and more than enough excuse, it was booked before the blardy nuptials.
I think the real question if she really is your best friend is how would she react if you said you couldn't face cutting your precious holiday short. I honestly don't know if I would do it. Depends on how close you are though and whether your friendship could weather this.
Weird to not invite you all but there is that whole kids at weddings thing.
nightmare, my b in law eloped gawd bless him kinder to everyone!

whatmaisieknew · 14/07/2009 16:18

you can google all the maps you need and tfl (transport for london) have a journey planner etc. Piece of cake; you'll be on the train so can read/listen to ipod etc...

...and get a break from the baby not to mention your dd will no doubt remember fondly being treated as a big girl going away alone with her mummy as a treat.

Streetlight · 14/07/2009 17:10

Yes i think we will elope, if we ever get it together that is

Never fancied the big do stylee

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/07/2009 17:35

agree morriszapp - as i said next month we have a wedding and its only us i know going (and bride) dh wouldnt dream of telling me to go alone

i still dont understand why dh cant have both of his dc and op go on her own (if less scary to travel without her child) and tbh if her dd if the only child there, she is likely to be bored

CrushWithEyeliner · 14/07/2009 17:44

I feel for you SEVEN hours - I would be exactly the same believe me. But you have to go - you have accepted and had so much time already to back out. I think your friends is BU to be frank I would never expect a friends to do this - leave a family holiday and baby? no way.

Do it - try and be positive and make it an adventure for your DD.

tinseltot · 14/07/2009 17:51

Well you are defo totally out of order for saying you would go when you knew you had a holiday booked for the same time.

But, given that you are having a breakdown over the situation i would suggest the following:

  1. tell friend a week before wedding that you have measles or something equally contagious. This gives her time to ask another guest if they want to take other family members to replace you and dd.

  2. buy and post friend an expensive and very lovely present to make up for you being such a twunt. Given she has prob wasted £80-£100 on your no-show, perhaps give her something for £100 so you have in fact paid for being crap.

motherpi · 14/07/2009 19:42

But the OP doesn't want to go without her daughter. She said that the daughter has never been to a wedding before, and that she won't know anyone else so doesn't want to go alone.

In fact, I'm not sure what the OP does want. She has been offered the most generous help on here, but seemingly just wants validation that it's OK to stay with her dh on her ONCE A YEAR holiday.

lowlandlady · 14/07/2009 22:23

the OP doesn't want to go AT ALL

that's obvious!

Poor thing!

I guess all these blardy Moralistas are right unfortunately but I hate them for it. I guess you sorta kinda haveta go. But I resent her for getting married and for asking you.

And you are not a twunt!! I'm the same, I've said yes to loads of things I've totally not wanted to go to instead of learning how to lie better!!!!!!!

Feigning illness is a good thought though!!

lowlandlady · 14/07/2009 22:25

Free the OP from this terrible commitment!!! Free her! let her go you Moral Guardians of Wedding Etiquette! Have some mercy!!!

Romford!!

risingstar · 14/07/2009 22:30

surely swine flu worry would swing it? come into contact with- runny noses- nhs direct suggest you stay in isolation (in nice holiday home in Cornwall........) Or am i just leading you astray with the kind of wrong devious behavior i indulge in sometimes to make life smoother. Just hope friend is not a mumnetter.

lowlandlady · 14/07/2009 22:32

nice call risingstar!!!!

RELEASE THE OP!!!!!!

sayithowitis · 14/07/2009 22:44

And what's wrong with Romford Lowlandlady? We are not all Sharons and Traceys dancing round our handbags in our white stilletos with badly dyed blonde hair!

coppola · 14/07/2009 22:45

Lowlandlady. Step away from the kids chocolate. You have had enough.

KristinaM · 14/07/2009 22:54

hi weddingmare and welcome to mumsnet

i dont understand why your best friend woudl invite you with only one other person, forcing you to choose between your Dd and your DH. It sounds very odd. Its not like your baby will eat very much or take up a seat

i have never heard of anyone being invited to a wedding without their DH/DP, it sounds a most peculiar custom

coppola · 14/07/2009 22:56

No - it was an adults only wedding, which weddingmare got the wrong end of the stick of, (possibly because her dh wouldn't go anyway) and invited her dd, which her bf kindly went along with.

motherpi · 14/07/2009 22:56

She wasn't invited without her dh. She was invited to a v small, no-children wedding, but didn't realise and asked her daughter.