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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pull out of best friend's (small) wedding 10 days before the event?

226 replies

weddingmare · 13/07/2009 20:44

I have known about this for about a year - I have NO excuse, I am just utterly dreading it.

I am going with DD, across the country on the train, to stay with a friend for the night (travelling across London). DD is 7 and I've never been away by myself with her, so I'm dreading the whole thing.

She will be the only child there, it's a small do, and worst of all, it will mean missing the last 3 days of our annual summer family holiday (7 days in a caravan) and leaving DH and the baby in the caravan to go.

She's my BEST FRIEND but I am sooo stressed about going, the journey, the train connections, staying in a friend's empty house, finding the venue, missing the holiday... I feel like our ONE holiday together is going to be ruined by me stressing about the whole thing. I feel like crying.

What should I do? I am so stressed. I feel terrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
weddingmare · 13/07/2009 22:10

can't afford taxis or hotels this time unfortunately

wedding is at 11am so hoping to leave by 4 to get to paddington

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 13/07/2009 22:13

Hiya,

I haven't read all the replies but feel so sorry for the position the OP is in, even if it is of your own making.

IF you were my best friend I would be so upset to think of you being so upset! Have you spoken to your best friend? If you really are such good friends and this is going to be such a trauma for you then I think you should tell her. Sure she will no doubt be upset but I'm sure she will understand.

When I got married my best friend didn't make it, she has been my best mate for over 20 years, but she is so painfully shy she just couldn't do it, she told me a few days before the wedding and as much as I was upset she couldn't join us I would never have put her through so much distress and tbh the only people I really HAD to have there were me and my hubby!

Hope you manage to sort this out..

oranges · 13/07/2009 22:19

Can't you stay in the friend's empty house the night of the wedding, and return the next day?

Lou2222 · 13/07/2009 22:23

How often do you see your best friend? Are you a bridesmaid? Did you go on the Hen Night? Sorry for all the questions it just may help with the answer!

trixymalixy · 13/07/2009 22:26

YABU, your holiday is once a year, but this is a once in a lifetime event for your friend.

If you were my best friend and pulled out at such short notice I don't think I'd ever speak to you again.

I know you feel anxious about the journey, but it will be fine.

lucykate · 13/07/2009 22:27

you are using words like 'horrible' and 'grim' in reference to going to your best friends wedding, the whole trip doesn't stand a chance if you are going to be so negative about it, get a grip!

please try and look at the positives, train journey is long, yes, but it will be quality one to one time with your dd. you both get a night together in your friends house, take your dd out for a meal, doesn't have to be anywhere posh/expensive, but will be something that she will love doing, then you both get to get glammed up and spend the day at a wedding, your best friends wedding.

if you are unsure where places are, print out maps, have a look on google earth, familiarise yourself with where you are going.

on the other hand, your could cancel and not go, but you will probably end your family holiday feeling really guilty. sorry if i don't sound very sympathetic, i travel a lot with both my dc's in tow, so have a bit of trouble seeing this as a problem

hocuspontas · 13/07/2009 22:36

I think I'd have to sod the expense and stay at the Premier Inn in Romford. It will cut out the Hackney - Romford journey in the morning which is not direct and getting to Romford from Paddington is no more difficult than getting to Hackney from Paddington. The house could be a long way from Hackney station.

Actually the more I think about it, the more I'm going off the idea. I don't think I could be bothered tbh, especially if you are leaving in the middle of the festivities.

purpleduck · 13/07/2009 22:55

Lisa - you sound lovely!!!

OP - my dd is 7 and I would so LOVE an adventure with her.

You will be ok! Look up the venue on google street map or whatever its called, and see what it looks like - familiarise yourself with it all.

As for the train journey - pack a small bag. Put in a new book (for dd), maybe an MP3 player, a notepad and pencils (good for hangman, sos, x&o's etc), maybe another activity. Maybe do up some sheets on the computer with a check list on it - like a Red Hat, a magpie...whatever, maybe make it silly - so she has to be looking out the window, around etc to check things off. Then she can have something else when she completes these.
Don't let her see everything in the bag - take things out in stages.

I really hope you go - show your dd a confident, competent mummy.

Good Luck!!!

tennisaddict · 13/07/2009 22:58

right, after reading LisaD1's post I have completely changed my mind

Lisa, I would like to nominate you for most insightful, kindest and downright loveliest person on MN

< links arms with Lisa, cos I want to her to be my friend >

swedesinsunglasses · 13/07/2009 23:11

How snooty and negative you sound. She's your best friend FGS. Stop being so bitchy and passive aggressive and get a taxi from Paddington to Kings Cross if you really can't manage the tube (why?) and stay the night and help your friend celebrate her happy day. And your daughter will have a lovely time dancing the night away with you at the party. Live a bit and none of this nonsense that you can't afford it. Your best friend is getting married - it's important.

UnquietDad · 13/07/2009 23:15

Tell her you've got swine flu.

purpleduck · 13/07/2009 23:18

OP - you have a small baby - I bet your dd is desperate for some mummy time - the way it used to be.

famishedass · 13/07/2009 23:26

Gladys Aylward led 100 orphaned children to safety over the chinese mountains on foot during the second world war when they were under attack by japanese soldiers - a journey which took them 3 weeks.

You can go to london on the train with your daughter.

paisleyleaf · 13/07/2009 23:26

I think we need to be careful about using swine flu as an excuse to get out of stuff
as if/when you really do get it, you might want to talk about it.

troutpout · 13/07/2009 23:34

Aww weddingmare...you'll manage it...really you will
I bet someone here can sort out any problem/worry you have about the journey

You do have to go
You'll regret it if you don't

tennisaddict · 13/07/2009 23:35

< pulls purpleducks hair, and gives her a chinese burn >

sayithowitis · 13/07/2009 23:43

Actually if its in Havering Registrars office, it is in a beautiful old house , set in glorious gardens, in Hornchurch, not Romford at all. they don't do weddings at the town hall!

Laquitar · 14/07/2009 01:01

Look, you have to go not only for your friend but for YOURSELF! For your self esteem and confidence. And for your dd too. Children learn confidence from us. Do you want your dd to grow up thinking that she cant travel without hasband?

Women travel all the time with newborns, with twins and triplets, with language barier and different money currency (personal experience here). You are travelling in uk. everybody speaks english and so you do. what is the worst that can happen? Sorry to sound harsh but i am harsh in order to be kind .

  • If you are anxious just get well prepared. Plan the journey well and have with you extra money, some coins, fully charged mobile etc. What is the worst senario? See it as fun. As a positive challenge. Enjoy it, laugh, face it with humour.
  • If you are very stressed go to the health store and buy some of those aromatherapy drops? I cant remember which one is for confidence, maybe someone here knows?

Now, my (childish ) tips:

  • Break the 'challenge' into small pieces and promise yourself a treat/reward for each stage (a girly magazine and luxurious dark choc in the train, a frothy cuppuccino at the station, a nice curry in Hackney, nice bath and dvd at the new house etc). Sounds nice with treats, doesn't it .
  • Do you have (or can you borrow) an ipod for you and mp3 for dd? Fill it with nice and inspiring music.
  • Wear something nice. i dont mean expensive but a colour that you like and makes you confident.

Go on, we ll all cheer you
And let us know what happened.

Original poster
weddingmare · 14/07/2009 08:27

I'm really gutted that people think I am being bitchy and snooty about this.

We really can't afford to extend the trip - once everything is added up this wedding will already cost us about £350 which is half the cost of our holiday!

Leaving this thread now but thanks for all your advice.

OP posts:
fishie · 14/07/2009 08:36

oh weddingmare i don't think people really think that, just are judging you by what they would do.

premier inn is the way to go and then you'll have a lovely time, it will be more than worth the expense. if you don't go won't you feel dreadful?

Streetlight · 14/07/2009 08:40

Totally understand, it happened to me and I bailed. But if she is your best friend why isn't she thinking about how hard this is for you?

Surely if she really wanted you there she wouldn't have disallowed your kids??

I think it's bonkers of her, sorry. And it will stress you out and having to stay in some empty house in an area you don't know is hardly going to be fun is it.

How much some people expect their friends to suffer for their special day is beyond me.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 14/07/2009 08:46

I don't think you are being bitchy and snooty, I think you're just very stressed about it.

If it were me I would go on my own I think as the idea of taking a 7 year old to do what you're proposing in a day would feel a bit much and I'd go on my own.

I was very stressed out about getting to DH's friend's wedding a month or two ago in London. We couldn't get anyone to have the DC's overnight as it was half term and everyone was going away. In the end they went to three different people, which did work but was a PITA to organise and I will admit to hating London with an absolute passion which wasn't helping things.

However, I did organise it, and as soon as I stepped onto the train (first time in years)I began to relax. Did have a stressful bit in London trying to work out which tube to get on but that was our fault for not working that bit out first. We made it in time (service at 11am) and had one of the best days I have had for ages and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It didn't quite go to plan as we'd planned to go to her parent's house after the reception for the cake bit then go after an hour at 6pm. In the event they didn't leave the hotel until 6pm so we just went straight to the station from there.

I think you need to take some deep breaths and do as the others say, break it all down into bits. It will be fine and I think you will look back with regret if you don't go.

sleeplessinstretford · 14/07/2009 08:50

streetlight-which bit of this is hard for her? she's already bringing a kid to a 'no kids'wedding,to cause the amount of stink she's causing here re trains/issues/problems I would imagine the bride would be relieved to not have to worry about her on her big day. If you absolutely must go (and i don't think you should by the way as you're being really out of order/ott) then FGS don't ring the bride in advance and warn her (with a tirade of how inconvenient/stressful the whole thing is) just don't go and ring the groom/mother of the bride the morning of the event and say you missed the train and are sorry but wont make it and are gutted.
don't heap your issues/inadequacies on the bride a day or two in advance of her own wedding as that really would be shit. And in future,don't accept to do something that you are patently unable to manage without DH.

SusieDerkins · 14/07/2009 08:51

I am amazed that in this day and age people get their knickers in a twist about things like this. I'm sorry to be harsh but it comes as across as wet and a bit pathetic. You should have said no at the beginning.

Tbh, you either get some balls and go, or else pull out now and tell your best friend the real reason for your decision.

Whatever you do, I think you need some help for your anxiety issues. We're talking spending a night with your daughter and crossing London, not trekking across the Himalayas.

Good luck.

SusieDerkins · 14/07/2009 08:53

Actually, having read Stretford's wise words I agree with her about not landing it all on the bride. Phone on the morning and tell her mother you've missed the train etc.