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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think a single women should not keeping coming on to a man when she knows he is married??

163 replies

memoo · 10/07/2009 12:15

and that his wife is 7 months pregnant!!!!

I'm getting really pissed off with this women at DH's work. She is always flirting with DH, I know this because DH is very open about it and doesn't try to hide it from me.

When we went out on his works do at xmas she was all smiles at DH but completely ignored me.

She is always sending DH emails with rude jokes in them and she usually includes quite suggestive comments too.

she even commented in one "bet you're not getting much with memoo being all fat and pregnant"

Yesterday DH said when she was showing him something on his computer she was leant over him almost shoving her boobs in the back of his head!!!

DH says if it carrys on he is going to have a chat with his boss.

but why the feck does somebody think its ok to behave like this with a married man!!!!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 10/07/2009 22:40

It's not actually very relevant that mr memoo is married IMO - it's more relevant that he is perhaps not the most confident or assertive of blokes. People who bully like this are not bothered about their victims' relationship status, what draws them is their instinct that the victim is too nice/polite/shy to say 'Oh piss off you silly bastard/bitch, I wouldn't shag you with anyone else's'.

devotion · 10/07/2009 22:41

i do agree he is being harassed but its not like its been going on for a few weeks, its been for over half a year!!!!!!!

whats the point in keep telling his poor pregnant wife, he needs to bloody do something about it. whats he waiting for?

  • for his poor wife to confront this woman and make herself look like some jealous wife who has to speak on her husbands behalf?

and to be honest i would be totally pissed off with my dh if he let something go on that long because he knows that if he didnt sort it out then i would.

what is he scared off?

that she will accuse him of flirting with her, that he gave her the wrong signals (which you cant blame her because she's been doing it for over half a year)...

she might be just so thick that it takes a loud "NO THANK YOU" for her to realise that he is not interested.

i am not sure if i read this wrong too because did this woman at some point say that he is probably not getting anything fro his fat pregnant wife? or something like that?

because that was THE opportunity that dh should have stood up to her and told her to never talk about his wide like that and that she is worth 1000 of her blah blah.

If my dh let someone speak about me like that to him then he would be out on his ear!

where is his balls because i think he has lost them?????

i may have read it wrong so if i have then i am sorry!

plus i would be saying the exact same thing if it was the other way around.

allowing it to continue is not helping and if he does not know what to do or is worried about confronting her then he should speak to his manager about it but for his poor wife just get on with it!

DandyLioness · 10/07/2009 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 10/07/2009 22:42

It hasn't blown over though, has it? It's getting worse if anything.

TDiddy · 10/07/2009 22:43

I just relaised that you are 7 mths pregnant which does add another dimension to this: whilst i still claim some validity to my previous post, i think DH should be more sensitive at this time.

JoesMummy09 · 10/07/2009 22:45
Hmm
SolidGoldBrass · 10/07/2009 22:45

Dandylioness: the point is that a person being sexually harassed/bullied does find it hard to put a stop to it (because bullies like this don't pick on assertive people who will either laugh at them or tell them to fuck off out of it). The victim of a sexual bully feels variously guilty, scared, unwilling to make a fuss, embarrassed and foolish, and this is what feeds the bully and makes the bullying continue. It;s almost worse when it's a man on the receiving end, memoo's H probably feels that if he says anything he will get laughed at or told he must be encouraging the woman, or have his workmates say they wish she would do it to them!

dittany · 10/07/2009 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TDiddy · 10/07/2009 22:46

In most cases, a man being sexually harassed at work would no how to stop it even if it means a quiet word with her. Is it possible that your husband is just enjoying the attention?

JoesMummy09 · 10/07/2009 22:46

SGB you put it very well.

TDiddy · 10/07/2009 22:47

would no know how to stop

JoesMummy09 · 10/07/2009 22:48

TDiddy that is almost up there with suggesting women who get raped are asking for it.

TDiddy · 10/07/2009 22:53

Joesmummy09: I haven't read the whole thread. I think the OP will know her DH's character but I assumed that he is confident from the little I read. Maybe my work experience is not unrepresentative but most of the chaps I know at work would know how to turn this off. I have witness this a few times. But I really don't know her DH's personality. OP will obviously know whether her DH would be shy about dealing with this.

ABetaDad · 10/07/2009 22:53

DandyLioness - she kept making suggestive comments, asking if I wanted to go for a drink with her alone. I kept ignorng the comments, tried not to be alone with her, kept refusing to have a drink with her. Occassionally though, there were social occassions at work, I had projects she was involved with. I did not want to have a blazing row with her in the office and accuse her of bullying me.

SolidGold has worked out what has been going on here and she can see how hard this is to deal with:

"People who bully like this are not bothered about their victims' relationship status, what draws them is their instinct that the victim is too nice/polite/shy to say 'Oh piss off you silly bastard/bitch, I wouldn't shag you with anyone else's'."

I am a bit nice/polite/shy. I would never say anything like that to anyone. Definitely not a woman. I have no doubt that is what she went after me. In the end I had to tell her in front of colleagues and humiliate her. If I had done it privately she would have just enjoyed it and carried on. I am quite sure. It went on for nearly a year as it was.

dittany · 10/07/2009 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TDiddy · 10/07/2009 22:55

Joesmummy09: I am not saying that he is asking for it and I would NEVER suggest that a rape victim is asking for it. I find that suggestion abhorrent and don't see the analogy.

devotion · 10/07/2009 22:56

And how can that be a bad thing?

He would have told her he is not interested and she would either be embarassed and angry that he has made her look a fool infront of others (if done publically) and hopefully stop doing it or if he told her alone then the same.

Her feelings maybe hurt and there could be tension for awhile but at least it would stop.

Plus we do not know if this really is sexual harassment, he may have been playing her game at the beginning innocently (may i add). So now he finds it hard to stop it because he feels partly to blame. This girl may just think she is honestly in for a chance. We dont know the background but

  1. He encouraged her and now can not handle the situation
  1. She just enjoys this game of making him want her (girl with big ego - we all know one) but does not really fancy him
  1. Thick skinned and just basically thick and does not get that him not telling her to f-off means she is in for a chance especially when she dissed his wife and he said nothing about it???

OR

  1. it is sexual harrassment

memoo - Have you had a long conversation with
DH about how he is going to deal with this? What does he say to you about how he WILL deal with this. What does he say his reasons for not dealing with it are? Is he scared of this woman?

His first step needs to be him making it very clear to this woman that he has no interest her and that her flirting makes him feel uncomfortable.

He needs to do this ASAP!

JoesMummy09 · 10/07/2009 22:57

TDiddy you are forgiven. The OP has very much suggested the opposite (ie that he is not enjoying it at all).

I may have been a bit strong. Wine has been consumed...

devotion · 10/07/2009 22:59

ooops my post related to By SolidGoldBrass Fri 10-Jul-09 22:45:08 slow typer!

TDiddy · 10/07/2009 23:00

I think the OP would be able to work out if it is just a little macho/ego trip as I think Dittany is suggesting? Quite possible.

Or whether he is too shy to give her the signals that her attention isn't welcome.

I think that she did suggest that he wa shaving a laugh about it which suggest that he doesn't really feel like a victim. Men can be subject to sexual harassment but I have seen very very little of that at work much more the other way round.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/07/2009 23:01

Dittany: isn't it possible that the things that memoo picks up most from what her H says are the insults to her - ie whenever anyone tells us anything someone else has said, we dwell on the stuff that's said about us? And that mr memoo is in fact telling memoo everything but that she hasn't got the time to share every detail of every conversation with us? Do you really find it so hard to believe that sometimes, some women can be genuinuely unpleasant and behave in an unethical manner towards some men?

Divatheshopaholic · 10/07/2009 23:02

i cant believe it. he should have seen his boss months ago.

TDiddy · 10/07/2009 23:02

JoesMummy09 - thanks; i will sleep much better now. Good night and sweet dreams.

TDiddy · 10/07/2009 23:05

OP should ask DH (calmly) "honey, this woman is sounding like a real pain; do you feel you can handle it?"c and see what he says. I do think that it is probably him finding it flattering and DW should handle it in a calm, positive way.

good night all.

devotion · 10/07/2009 23:06

TDiddy - you said it!