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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a single women should not keeping coming on to a man when she knows he is married??

163 replies

memoo · 10/07/2009 12:15

and that his wife is 7 months pregnant!!!!

I'm getting really pissed off with this women at DH's work. She is always flirting with DH, I know this because DH is very open about it and doesn't try to hide it from me.

When we went out on his works do at xmas she was all smiles at DH but completely ignored me.

She is always sending DH emails with rude jokes in them and she usually includes quite suggestive comments too.

she even commented in one "bet you're not getting much with memoo being all fat and pregnant"

Yesterday DH said when she was showing him something on his computer she was leant over him almost shoving her boobs in the back of his head!!!

DH says if it carrys on he is going to have a chat with his boss.

but why the feck does somebody think its ok to behave like this with a married man!!!!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 10/07/2009 20:56

I don't think that harping on about daftpunk's old threads is particularly productive.

We should be focussing on coming up with suggestions for memoo's husband to deal with this woman.

ray81 · 10/07/2009 20:57

Perhaps all that are discussing another thread should create a thread about it so we can give the OP advise. Just a suggestion guys.

I agree with Avenginggirl i think if your DH approaches her there is a great risk that she will turn it on him and say he is harrassing her, and the likely hood will be that he will get in trouble. so i think he should speak to his manager advise them of what is happening and that he wants to speak to her himself but he wants it on record incase it should she turn it on him.

I dont think he is a woss either, men just have a tendancy to be abit slower in noticing the signs and they tend to hope it will go away without them having to do anything, i know my Dh does.

anyway OP YANBU at all i would be seriously wtf too, it is not on.

BitOfFun · 10/07/2009 21:01

ray81 has a point there, about speaking to the boss first.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/07/2009 21:03

I don;t want to insult or patronize memoo's H but would it be wrong to say that he's a bit of a gentle soul who doesn't like to cause offence? Because, really, for this situation to have gone on as long as it has in the way that memoo describes, it's got naff-all to do with the woman fancying mr memoo, this is a bullying issue .The woman is carrying on because she is getting her kicks out of watching mr memoo get embarrassed and upset and annoyed but be too nice to tell her to piss off.

PintandChips · 10/07/2009 21:04

she's a stupid, insecure, little girl (whatever her age), and he's an idiot for bringing it home to you. He should deal with it himself by telling her that he finds you sexy wether you're seven months pregnant of seven months overdue, or seven stone overweight and that she has no place to comment on it. That should put her off. silly bitch.

JoesMummy09 · 10/07/2009 21:08

Re advice I stand by earlier post...

However, I do remember a male colleague telling me about a woman who was always making inappropriate comments and "draping herself" over him.

He also tried to ignore it, but found it very unwelcome. One day he snapped and said "Ok, then. Let's do it! Right here, right now!"

She was horrified and never made any comments again.

BitOfFun · 10/07/2009 21:11

I don't think he should discuss his relationship at all, never mind in sexual terms. It's unprofessional. But this isn't about sex- I agree with SGB that it's more a form of bullying, and if it's approached that way and he covers his back with the boss, she should be made aware that she is out of order.

posiedullardparker · 10/07/2009 21:13

I'm with Solidgold on this, she has posted by far the most sense.

To OP, Does your DH work for a large company with a good work ethic and policy that he can read through over the weekend? A solid HR dept that he can complain to in confidence? I think if he can then he should take this matter to them. If a male colleague were to gently erode boundaries leading to pressing his penis up against me then I would be straight into HR.
I think your DH has made is harder for himself by not saying anything in the first instance and by allowing it to continue it is too big an issue for him to be direct with her.

I think he should write down as many of these incidents as possible for the record. Is the predator a peer or boss? As a boss any sexual behaviour even reciprocated is sexual harassment.

posiedullardparker · 10/07/2009 21:15

BTW I don't think sexual harassment is always about sex, it is a form of bullying too.

I had a boss who constantly talked about anal sex and how much all women liked it, I also received emails from a friend of his in another office. The day after I complained to the regional director I was sacked. I only worked there 8 weeks and got a jolly good out of court settlement!!!!

ray81 · 10/07/2009 21:16

OP i dont agree with others that he shouldnt bring it home to you. I think it is a sign of a good honest relationship that he telling you what is happening and for you to be supporting him.
I would hate it if this was happening to my DH and he just dealt with it and never told me i would be very hurt as i can imagine you would be.

I hope you find the solution for you both and personally i would, after the baby is born, go and tell her exactly what i think of her.

posiedullardparker · 10/07/2009 21:19

OOooo and another thing, I think the recent comment, about the OP and her pg and fat, is the predator seeing how far she can go, where the H's boundaries are... if she can insult the wife then maybe he doesn't like her so much and she's got a chance......
[waits for any more ideas before posting message.....no.......all done]

spicemonster · 10/07/2009 21:28

Sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up - I apologise. I just wish people would think first and post later - the idea that all my married friends might think that I'm after their husbands the minute their back is turned is really offensive. It's a pernicious and hateful myth that single women are evil sirens trying to lure decent men away from their women.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/07/2009 21:34

Spicemonster, this is where monogamists (people who are obsessed with monogamy as distinct from people who just happen to be in, or prefer to be in, monogamous relatinships) are so tiresome, they see everything through the filter of 'someone threatening my monoganism, eep eeep eeep!'.

devotion · 10/07/2009 21:41

i can not believe your dh has not put a stop to this already, since dec?

he sounds likes he needs a kick up the ass and bigger balls to just tell her to f-off!

whats the problem here?

if he goes to HR, they will ask what he has done to stop it and???

he just needs to be open and straight and the next time she flirts just say,

"look, i didnt want to have to say this but you are actually making me feel uncomfortable with they way you behave around me. I am not interested in flirting or anything else with you so you are wasting your time. would you mind just stop it".

he must have witnesses in the office with her flirting with him.

she may get pissed and tell others he flirted with her but he just needs to be strong and stand up to her.

if others see she blatantly fancies him then they wont beleive her anyway.

to be honest i have come across a hussy like this before and she probably does not even fancy him but maybe the kind that she likes to know he wants her and the fact he does not play her game makes him more of a game to her.

if he confronted her hopefully it would mortify her and nip it in the bud.

if he went to hr straight away she will probably go mad and try to fight her case and it may cause alot of hassle.

you dont need this, sorry you are going through it right now.

goodluck x

roneef · 10/07/2009 21:48

My point is that of course he should tell you whats going on at work. The odd thing is that he is only relaying her comments/actions.

It would be more constructive if he told you his responses to her.

He has loyalty to you, not her. He really needs to stand up for himself/you.

It grates that everyone is name calling the female but his part in it is glossed over..

In this day and age this type of behaviour/harassment(alleged) is not tolerated in the workplace.

ABetaDad · 10/07/2009 21:54

What SolidGold said @19.40 and @ 21.02 is what happened to me quite a while ago when I was quite young and shorly after I got married. I am not a very confident person and did not know what to do about it. It was harrasment - and I find it odd that some posters seem to be suggesting the OP's DH is somehow at fault.

A slightly older woman kept making suggestive comments and I was embarrased and did not want to cause a scene so I tried to laugh it off and avoid her. She kept persisting so in the end it was the office Xmas party and I knew what would happen. She started draping her arms round my kneck on the dance floor so in the end I got hold of her wrists, gently took them fom round my neck, looked her in the eye and said "I am married man, I know what you are doing, please stop it".

I did this in front of all our colleagues, she made a nasty comment and stormed off the dance floor. I felt awfully embarrased, left the party early, and went straight home. The woman never spoke to me again. I told DW what had happened but only afterwards.

I am sure memoo your DH is going to have to have a public showdown like this to make her go away.

devotion · 10/07/2009 22:03

exactly ABetaDad .

but he needs to get on with it, him acting like a woos is not telling this girl he is not interested.

he needs to just do it!

JoesMummy09 · 10/07/2009 22:08

I think calling Mr Meemoo a wuss and other names is not helpful or sensitive.

He is being sexually harrassed. He has done what most of us would do... try to ignore it and hope it goes away whilst discuss it with out partner.

It's now gone too far and he needs to deal with it. He does not need to "grow some balls".

Some women behave badly at work. Some men do too. If this were are a woman in same situation we wouldn't talk about her like this.

JoesMummy09 · 10/07/2009 22:10

Sorry, no one said "get some balls".

Although there was some reference to balls.

As you were

FairLadyRantALot · 10/07/2009 22:17

I think if op had been a bloke, talking about his wife and her experience like this , reactions would have been different...
it is not always easy to say no...because you are worried/embaressed etc....

when I was a young nurse a senior/male nurse came onto me after a ward nght out....he shared the taxi...I didn't know if he lived in my direction or not, he was always horrible, rude and condescending towards me...than he says I'll take you upstairs next I know he kisses me...was stunned....didn't know hat to do...was horrified and scared....I have never ever talked about this to anuyone, because I was so embaressed...I was so humiliated, especially as he made further advances until I reminded him that he was married and I was working for him....shortly after excuses and allegations were made about my fitness for practice with a....if you find a job elsewhere you will get a good reference....

oh feck...writing it down aftyer almost 20 years I have just realised how I was fucked over....

roneef · 10/07/2009 22:28

Personally, I do believe OPs DH is being sexually harrassed.

The point is that he should make an effort to sort by any means necesary.

Coming home to tell your partner you have an admirer and doing sweet FA about it is shitty.

It's not for OP to put OW in her place - it's his. She is pregnant and doesn't need the stress.

monkeytrousers · 10/07/2009 22:28

"There will be some evo-psych-bullshit explanation as to why married women turn into sexless old hags, repellent to all men, whilst married men turn into irresistible sex gods who need to be kept locked up lest their magnetic attraction draws all single women in a twenty mile vicinity to them. It's something to do with what went on on the plains of Africa 60,000 years ago.

Then again it could be because the people who come up with these theories are mainly married men."

lol Dittany. Can I quote you on that?

monkeytrousers · 10/07/2009 22:30

Sunfleurs - "I think it absolute twaddle to say that single women actively seek out married men for part-time, non committed relationships."

Who said this? Point me in their direction so I can put them right!

ABetaDad · 10/07/2009 22:31

JoesMummy09 - you are right it is harrassment. Frankly, I agree with FaiLady if a man was doing this to a woman I think the tone of the posts would be quite different. I was not being a wuss when it happened to me. I was trying my best to stop it. It was horrible.

The problem is that it is very hard to stop it. I had just hoped the woman would just get the message but she didn't. The only reason I did have show down in the end was because she was trying to kiss me in front of my colleagues. It had to get that bad before I was forced into being quite aggressive about it. I was shaking afterwards.

TDiddy · 10/07/2009 22:39

Haven't read it all but my first impression is that your DH did not/doesn not want to have an affair with the OW. Otherwise it is likely that he would have kept quiet. He, is, however enjoying/enjoyed her attention. This isn't unusual as men (especially 40ish) like to know that they can still pull.

I wouldn't do anything extreme as my guess is that this will blow over. Continue to have a good relationship with your husband. Have you told him recently that you fancy him, assuming that you still do? Have you done anything thing racy with him recently?

So that I am not misinterpreted: I am not blaming you, I am simply saying that you I think that you should continue to reinforce a positive relationship with your husband and reciprocate the trust that he has shown in you.

Mine is a superficial (male) view.