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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a single women should not keeping coming on to a man when she knows he is married??

163 replies

memoo · 10/07/2009 12:15

and that his wife is 7 months pregnant!!!!

I'm getting really pissed off with this women at DH's work. She is always flirting with DH, I know this because DH is very open about it and doesn't try to hide it from me.

When we went out on his works do at xmas she was all smiles at DH but completely ignored me.

She is always sending DH emails with rude jokes in them and she usually includes quite suggestive comments too.

she even commented in one "bet you're not getting much with memoo being all fat and pregnant"

Yesterday DH said when she was showing him something on his computer she was leant over him almost shoving her boobs in the back of his head!!!

DH says if it carrys on he is going to have a chat with his boss.

but why the feck does somebody think its ok to behave like this with a married man!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
memoo · 10/07/2009 13:32

I'm glad he told me too, i would certainly tell him if something similar was happening to me. If he hadn't told me and then i'd found out months down the line i would be gutted.

TBH i don't think DH knows how to handle it. when it first started he kind of brushed it off, he's very good at letting things go over his head. I also thought that if he ignored her she would get the message and go away but clearly this has only made her more determined.

It is actually starting to get to DH now, and I do agree that he needs to stand up and tell her where to go.

I don't me she was drapping herself all overhim at the xmas do Dittany, just that she was all sweet and lovely when he was there but turned her back on me as soon as DH was elsewhere.

TBH it didn't bother me too much at the time, i'm a big girl and can handle things myself, i've come across worse cowbags than her in my life!

since xmas it has slowly escalated and this past few weeks has got really bad.

DH and I only got married last week so not sure if that has made her see him as more of a challenge or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
memoo · 10/07/2009 13:33

Dizzy, thats a good response! and so true

OP posts:
MoonchildNo6 · 10/07/2009 14:10

YANBU at all!!

Before we were married my DH worked with a woman like this who would not take no for an answer. She invited us to a party the same day as my best friends party so we decided to try and do both so went to hers first and then onto my friend's. When we told her we were leaving (about 11.30pm) she went ballistic and dragged him off to the bedroom and told him that he should stay and that I could leave, when he said he wasn't going to leave me to go on my own she went nuts again and came out and had a right go at me! We just walked out and left her to it but it really schocked us both.

There are some really mad women out there who just cannot accept that a man is happy with the woman he is with when he could go out with (shag)them instead! Bloody psycho bitches!

MamaLazarou · 10/07/2009 14:16

YANBU

I would slap the bitch right in her smug, skanky face.

SarahL2 · 10/07/2009 14:47

Reminds me of a story DH told me after a night out with his mates...some woman had come up to him at the bar and was flirting and asked him to dance. He said "No thanks I'm married" and she said "I don't mind" !!!

Lucky I wasn't there else I'd have slapped her!

Good for you for having such an honest DH memoo. But get him to have a word with his boss ASAP. The last thing you want is this still going on when babymoo arrives and you're feeling the baby blues.

JoesMummy09 · 10/07/2009 15:23

Poor you. Your are definitely not being unreasonable. If it's bothering him it's harrassment. But he does need to speak to her about it before escalating it.

I think he should send her an email (so it's documented) and keep a copy. I would avoid cc'ing anyone else as then if she thinks everyone knows it could get nasty. She might start making allegations about him. After all, hell hath no fury like a sex starved bitch with a grudge.

Keep the email as pleasant, but specific, as possible. Lots of "I'm sure you don't mean to make me uncomfortable when..." and "You know I value you as a colleague, so I hope we can keep our relationship professional and if you respect my wishes I don't see why either of us need mention this again".

If she doesn't stop her behaviour your husband needs to tell when she's doing it. "X this is what I was talking about. Please don't do/say that"

If she persists after that he needs to go straight to his boss. He should then keep a note of times, places and details of any future incidents but once passed over he should be given proper support and HR guidance - as will this woman. She probably has some sort of problem.

growingup · 10/07/2009 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsTittleMouse · 10/07/2009 15:41

If there's a concern that she would try to twist it that he is harrassing her, then he should keep the emails that she sends.

Original poster
memoo · 10/07/2009 16:27

Sending her an email is a good idea. up to now he has deleted the emails she has sent but I'll tell him to keep them from now on.

Some of the stories on here are shocking! Are there some women who think its just a huge thrill to chase after married men?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 10/07/2009 16:42

Imo your DH's relationship status is neither here nor there. If he has made it clear that he does not enjoy this woman's flirtatious comments and actions then he should say so, and if she continues then of course it's actionable.

If however your DH works in a office which like many, has quite a bit of lighthearted flirting going on between staff who are married and single, then she may just think she's having fun with him the way that loads of people have fun at work, and a quiet word will be all it takes to ask her to stop.

I flirt with colleagues all the time - I'm in LTR and so are they. It's not going to lead to anything, it just makes the working day a bit less tedious. And reminds me that I'm not over the hill quite yet.

I'm firmly of the view that men are adults and do not need women to guard them from each other. Your DH has married you and does not fancy this woman so it poses no threat to you anyway.

In any case, this is your DHs issue to deal with. Lend support by all means but don't weigh in.

monkeytrousers · 10/07/2009 16:47

'telling tales'? He's being open and honest. CBlokes just can't do right for doing wrong with you Dittany

monkeytrousers · 10/07/2009 16:49

It's not a thrill. Men who are attached are just more attractive to single women. It shows they have something worth having.

MorrisZapp · 10/07/2009 16:58

I don't agree MT. I was single for years and was only interested in other single men in terms of actually trying to shag them.

Not to say I've never fancied somebody who is in a relationship - it's not like people stop being interesting or attractive to the opposite sex as soon as they have a serious relationship.

barbigirl · 10/07/2009 17:03

There is loads of good advice on here. I'm desperately trying to resist saying 'march into the the office and give her a slap that she'll never ever forget'. Obviously this would massively backfire, embarrass your DH and possibly result in all sorts of awful counter accusations/ arrrests. But for one moment, it would give you massive satisfaction.

I would spend the afternoon planning elaborate shaming methods, writing her 'hands off my man' emails...then not do/ send any of it...and then this evening try and bask in the brilliance and lovliness of your own open and stable relationship.

monkeytrousers · 10/07/2009 17:04

You are generalising from your personal experience. You don't agree. That is not the same as the general truth holding true that attactched men are more attractive to most women than single fellas.

dittany · 10/07/2009 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 10/07/2009 17:16

MT, you don't agree with me - where do you get your 'general truth' from? I've never heard of there being any such truth.

I have loads of single friends and they have no interest whatsoever in meeting an attached man - they want to meet a single man.

I get that for some young and silly women they might think it's a laugh or a 'challenge' to 'steal' a man but this is by far the minority in my own 'general truth'.

Why the success of match.com etc if most women want to meet and steal married men?

expatinscotland · 10/07/2009 17:17

Men who were attached never held any attraction for me after I foolishly had an affair with a married professor who was 24 years old than I was when I was dumb and 19.

And the attraction wasn't that he was attached at all.

Some women might find this attractive, but they're just as bad as attached men who don't tell them NO in no uncertain terms: losers.

MorrisZapp · 10/07/2009 17:18

Agree with dittany. I can't bear the whole culture of 'men are weak, we have to protect them from the horrid slappers' that seems to be so strong on here.

As if they were children being picked on at school or something.

monkeytrousers · 10/07/2009 17:28

Well it is. I'm not posting to any more proofs, cos no one ever reads them anyway. You'll just have to take my word on it

Dittany, 'helpless' is your spin on things. Other peopke would recognise it as a social and professional quandry than needs to be tackled very carefully. He is commuinicating with his wife. This is the most inportant thing.

barbigirl · 10/07/2009 17:31

Seriously- him sending her emails is a bad idea IMO. It just engages with her and gives her the attention she craves. If he does this, he's instantly created a 'thing' between them- which can result in 'private chats' to 'sort it out'. She'll use it as an excuse to try and ellicit talk about relationships etc- all of this should be avoided by a determined strategy of non engagement. If he confronts her, a triangle is instantly created and OP gets cast as the pissy preggy wife who doesn't 'get' the flirty dynamic in the office. The more he gets into conversations/ emails with her, the more it plays into her hands I reckon.

That said, I think his strategy probably does have to change. She's obviously not got bored... but berating him and accusing him of enjoying it seems unfair. If he had anything to feel bad about, he wouldn't discuss it with OP. Saying that 'all' he has to do is confront her is unrealistic...it's huge to raise something like this in an office and could have fall out for everyone there as people hear about it/ take sides. I know it's hard but laughing at her behind her back is possibly the only solution.

barbigirl · 10/07/2009 17:43

Err, so a man who faces a complex situation is 'weak' and 'helpless'? What about if a woman was in a similarly tricksy and ambiguous situation with someone sexually predatory at work? Would she be 'weak' and 'pathetic' for not going straight to the bosses and complaining?

LovelyTinOfSpam · 10/07/2009 17:55

Am at this "truth" that single women are more attracted to attached men.

When single I always ran a mile if i found out that men were attached.

As did my friends.

Maybe the "truth" is that some women go for attached men and some women don't. As in some people are arseholes and some aren't.

As for the OP, your DH needs to tell her to back off. If she doesn't then he needs to think about taking it up with HR/boss etc.

monkeytrousers · 10/07/2009 18:09

It doesn't mean that you 'go' for them at all.

Morloth · 10/07/2009 18:33

If it making him uncomfortable and he has told her so it is sexual harassment and he needs to report it to HR.

If he hasn't told her so then he is in effect encouraging her.

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