To have nothing to do with my neice?

[gymknicks]

I am estranged from my sister(long story).

We both have one child, her DD is four months older than my DS who is eighteen months. I have met her daughter once at a very awkward family gathering when the children were four and eight months respectively.

I am very very angry with my sister and am (on the whole) much happier now that I have nothing whatsoever to do with her. I am aware that the situation is very hard on my parents and our extended family, but unfortunately I can't do anything about that.

My mother has (passive-aggressively)made it very clear that she thinks it's a real shame for my sister's child not to have a relationship with her cousin.

In part, I know that this is because my sister's partner is an only child, so their child does not have any cousins other than my son.

I'm afraid that my POV on this is, well... tough shit. My DC has several cousins whom he sees regularly and has a lovely relationship with, so he's not missing out on experiencing that relationship. It's not my responsibility to make sure that my sister's child's emotional needs are met.

I am very aware that my mother is working up to asking if she can have my son for the weekend and have him meet his cousin.

I honestly cannot bear to see my sister or have anything to do with her, and I don't want her within a hundred feet of my child. I'm afraid that extends to her child also. (I bear my niece no malice at all, just to be clear)

AIBU to stand firm and refuse to allow my mother to orchestrate a meeting?

YANBU.
I am in a similar situation with DHs Sisters kids.
I don't really care about Them or Thier DC's My DC's Do not miss out seeing thier cousins as they don't really know each other

They Constantly took visits from my DC's to stir the shit with me and DH. So really not worth the hassle.

Absolutely no need to encourage a relationship with her DD, Which in the long run would cause more agro between you and your sister.

I appreciate that you don't want to say exactly what it was your sister did (and of course you don't have to do so) but the impression that is coming across is that a) what the sister did was a one-off incident rather than a longterm pattern of abusive behaviour that hasn't stopped and won't stopped and b) that you are, actually, being unreasonable in insisting that everyone else take your side. Whatever she did is done now, and can't be changed, and obsessing about it for the rest of your life is a bit naff, really, and will have no positive effects at all.

Solidgold - "Whatever she did is done now, and can't be changed, and obsessing about it for the rest of your life is a bit naff, really, and will have no positive effects at all."

You're quite right. I posted this AIBU genuinely thinking it was about my son and my sister's child, but it's now glaringly obvious that it's much more about my fractured relationship with my sister.

My life is much better now that she is not in it, but I am very aware that things aren't fantastic and I'm still very troubled by everything, despite the lack of contact. So if I want to be happy I need to look at my options regarding my sister. I don't really know what they are, but I guess it's a start!

I appreciate everyone's words of wisdom. Thank you.

Good luck gymknicks. I don't know if you have had any counselling but you might benfit from at least talking it through with someone - but it would have to be someone you can tell what actually happened with your sister (in confidence) because it is almost impossible to assess the situation without knowing the details. THough (and if I have misread the thread I apologise) didn;t someone say it happened 30 years ago? Given that you say you and she have children under 5 then you must both have been teenagers at max when the Bad Thing happened. Teenagers do stupid unpleasant things and it does seem a shame to hold some teenage stupidity against someone indefinitely.

No, it's been a very difficult relationship for thirty years, but the enstrangement only happened a couple of years ago.

Counselling is probably a good idea, though I'm not sure that finances will allow it at the moment.

My mum fell out with her sister donkeys years ago and they havent spoken since.
i have 3 cousins (my only cousins) that i never see.
we saw our grandparents at different times so we wouldnt bump into each other. i have one female cousin a similar age to me. My nan kept a doll at her house for us to play with. I named the doll cousins name and she named the doll my name. i always felt a bit sad at not knowing my cousins.
we 'found' each other on friends reunited some years ago and got in touch as adults and i'm very pleased that we now keep in touch sporadically and know each others children. Although its still a bit awkward and neither of us felt we could invite the other to our weddings due to not wanting to cause upset with our mothers.
I dont even know why our mothers fell out all those years ago. Neither do they probably anymore.
If you can create a relationship between the cousins without you having to see your sister then please think about doing it.

THe Samaritans can be quite good - you don't have to be actively suicidal to call them and what they ofer is totally non-judegmental anonymous listening so you can work it all out in your own mind - and they are free to phone or email.

op...you do sound a lot like a friend of mine...only childrens ages do not fit...