To have nothing to do with my neice?

[gymknicks]

I am estranged from my sister(long story).

We both have one child, her DD is four months older than my DS who is eighteen months. I have met her daughter once at a very awkward family gathering when the children were four and eight months respectively.

I am very very angry with my sister and am (on the whole) much happier now that I have nothing whatsoever to do with her. I am aware that the situation is very hard on my parents and our extended family, but unfortunately I can't do anything about that.

My mother has (passive-aggressively)made it very clear that she thinks it's a real shame for my sister's child not to have a relationship with her cousin.

In part, I know that this is because my sister's partner is an only child, so their child does not have any cousins other than my son.

I'm afraid that my POV on this is, well... tough shit. My DC has several cousins whom he sees regularly and has a lovely relationship with, so he's not missing out on experiencing that relationship. It's not my responsibility to make sure that my sister's child's emotional needs are met.

I am very aware that my mother is working up to asking if she can have my son for the weekend and have him meet his cousin.

I honestly cannot bear to see my sister or have anything to do with her, and I don't want her within a hundred feet of my child. I'm afraid that extends to her child also. (I bear my niece no malice at all, just to be clear)

AIBU to stand firm and refuse to allow my mother to orchestrate a meeting?

Gymknicks - your last post made me a bit - it's obvious that this is really bothering you and I don't think it's fair for people to judge you without knowing the full facts. Like Motherpi says, only you know if what she did is bad enough to carry on cutting her out of your life...

FWIW I can see this from both sides a little. On the one hand, we are now totally cut off from DH's family after many years of both of us trying and sacrificing our mental health to keep things going. They don't even know we've had kids and tbh it'll be a cold day in hell before they get within 100 feet of my kids.

On the other hand, I was also estranged from my own family for a couple of years for fairly similar (though not as bad) reasons. I slowly regained contact with my parents and, through them, with my siblings and their families. At first I was like you, only seeing them at family gatherings. However, as time goes on I am tentatively seeing them without my parents present. No big reunions yet but the anger has subsided enough for me to consider the door slightly ajar.

I think you should do what you feel is right. I don't think it's a good idea to leave your DD with your mother for the weekend. That scenario is beyond your control and you would only worry the whole time about what your sister was getting up to. Tell your mother than you will resolve this situation (if you do want to resolve it) in your own time and her pressurising you is just making it worse.

I disagree totally with the posters saying that you're damaging your kids by refusing to see your DN. You must protect you and your own first and foremost. This can't be easy for you so try not to be too hard on yourself

^By motherpi on Mon 06-Jul-09 22:43:26
I'm not sure how anyone can give an opinion without knowing the key facts. Surely the real question here is 'Was what my sister did awful enough for me to stop all contact with her entire family?'

If yes, then YANBU. If no, then YU.

One person's "unforgivably awful" can be very different from anothers.^

Exactly what motherpi said.

Really depends what she did. if she told you that you had a fat arse, then yes you are being unreasonable.

If she fucked your husband while you were giving birth - maybe not.

...so which is the closer?

nicely put nancy

i think the reason gym won't elaborate is becuase her sister pissed on her gerbil

nuff said - i would sever contact with a gerbil pissing bitch too

I cannot really say I have been in a situation like this (luckily for me I get on well with all my family).
However, is it not possible that your sister is trying, in a tiny tentative way, to start on the way to making amends by sending cards and gifts to your DD?

Again, I'm sorry for holding out. I know it must be frustrating.

Can I just say that it really was awful, nothing to do with her nicking my Sindy when we wre ten or anything.

No, it wasn't shagging DH or hurting my child, just me. So maybe that means that I ABU.

its really shit this story, just tell us so we can judge.

otherwise its just wank

DP's auntie fell out with his mum (although she has done a good circuit of the family really at one time or another) now auntie has fallen out with her own mother.
As the extended family of which it is honestly horrendous for everyone involved. Generally the lot of them are great lovely wonderful people but it is this one auntie that causes agony to everyone.
Whenever there is a family wedding, childrens party, any special occasion is marred by this one auntie. Her own daughter was made to feel bad for wanting her grandmother at her wedding later this year. DP and I told MIL that we didn;t want her popping over after own own very small wedding in 2 weeks because we wil not tolerate any nasty comments or strained atmosphere that always come along with her being there when her mother is.

What i'm trying to say is yes fair enough stay out your sisters road if that is what you feel you really have to do but also be aware that the rest of your family are suffering for this feud too.
In a few years what is your own mother supposed to do if your child is older and wants to visit granny in the shcool holidays alone does your mother then have to say to your neice sorry you cannot see Granny this week as your cousin is coming??
There are far reaching and long term consequences to this and you shouldn't puch these onto the children or onto the rest of your family. Which you are doing by putting a blanket ban on yous ds ever seeing your DN as you are then making other peoples lives, your family people you loves, far more painful all round when all they are trying to do is not take sides.
Don't punish everyone else because you want to punish your sister.

Yes, I agree. You do need to take into consideration that this situation will be hurting other innocent family members too.

Molly, it is possible yes, though I doubt it.

But even if she is, IT'S NOT ENOUGH. If she wants to make it better then she needs to do it properly. Starting with an apology.

Now it sounds like it'll all be dandy is she just says sorry! It's more complicated than that.... Oh, I can't explain!

I know I'm sounding mad here...I don't blame you for thinking I ABU!

yanbu - you and your sister's relationship is your business, no-one elses, not even your mothers. You are 2 grown women able to decide how you act

BUT - let your mum be the go-between and be seen to be reasonable in letting the cousins see each other. Then no-one will have legitimate cause to blame you for splitting the family

why can't you explain?

explain it!

Yes, it's horrible for the rest of the family, especially my parents.

I do feel awful about that.

I don't know how to fix it though, I honestly don't. Even the thought of seeing her makes me feel sick and weepy.

me too - its like a dry pubic shave

...maybe her buying presents for your children is her making the first tantative steps to a reconciliation?

gym, why have are you soliciting opinions on here? (thats sounds rude and its really not meant to)
if you are safe in the knowledge that youve done the right thing then get on with your life and stop worrying about it.

ive completely cut contact with some family members. i know it was right.

on the other hand my sis fell out with my other sis and then she went and bloody well crashed the car and died. bad bad news for sis with unfinished business.

if what your sister has done is so bad then why are you worrying about it. leave things as they are. if your starting to have niggling doubts about whether your doing the right thing then maybe its time to speak frankly to your sister?

i think your agonising over it. i hope you can do the right thing and get some peace for yourself. i dont think the kids will mind whichever route you choose - they know no different. i think this is bothering you for other reasons.
sleep on it and ask those who know you and her and what happened - your never going to get answers on here when no one knows the story. good luck x

JLCS you just made me laugh out loud! You are saying what I want to but didnt have the guts. But Im irritated too Reality, what the bloody hell has she done? My troll radar is wiggling.....come on Gym, explain. Just a snipet.

this is getting boring.

And i see the op is new here.

Are you a journalist writing an artacle about family fudes? ?

Is it possible that you can have a relationship based around your children? Intolerable family members can be easier to deal with in the midst of a toddler whirlwind - there just isn't the time to deal with any big issues, nor is it appropriate to do so in front of the children.

I'm not suggesting that you use the children as a shield, but that playdates in a neutral space where the children are allowed to play together could be an alternative. As the children get older, they will decide for themselves whether or not they are important to each other anyway.

I wonder if your Mum's involvement has triggered the desire to dig your heels in? I imagine it must be painful for her, but she should realise that she can't force her adult children to like each other, either.

my troll radar was going by about the op's second post of "oh I really can't tell, just believe me when I say it was terrible"

Mmmm under the bridge has gone very quiet...