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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have nothing to do with my neice?

160 replies

gymknicks · 06/07/2009 20:28

I am estranged from my sister(long story).

We both have one child, her DD is four months older than my DS who is eighteen months. I have met her daughter once at a very awkward family gathering when the children were four and eight months respectively.

I am very very angry with my sister and am (on the whole) much happier now that I have nothing whatsoever to do with her. I am aware that the situation is very hard on my parents and our extended family, but unfortunately I can't do anything about that.

My mother has (passive-aggressively)made it very clear that she thinks it's a real shame for my sister's child not to have a relationship with her cousin.

In part, I know that this is because my sister's partner is an only child, so their child does not have any cousins other than my son.

I'm afraid that my POV on this is, well... tough shit. My DC has several cousins whom he sees regularly and has a lovely relationship with, so he's not missing out on experiencing that relationship. It's not my responsibility to make sure that my sister's child's emotional needs are met.

I am very aware that my mother is working up to asking if she can have my son for the weekend and have him meet his cousin.

I honestly cannot bear to see my sister or have anything to do with her, and I don't want her within a hundred feet of my child. I'm afraid that extends to her child also. (I bear my niece no malice at all, just to be clear)

AIBU to stand firm and refuse to allow my mother to orchestrate a meeting?

OP posts:

CrushWithEyeliner · 06/07/2009 21:37

You need to expand - you sound really odd from your posts so far sorry

pickyvic · 06/07/2009 21:50

im trying to see this from both sides. ive completely estranged myself from certain family members but with very good reason and wouldnt let them anywhere near my DC. we are an island, my hubby and kids, and thats the way i need it to be and im fine with it.

but your posts are making you sound cold, hard, bitter, difficult, unreasonable. you shouldnt have to spill all on here to justify your reasons - but if you were so sure you were doing the right thing you wouldnt be asking if you are or not on here, right?

MadameCastafiore · 06/07/2009 21:56

Oh FFS - it is not as though they are sisters, they are cousins.

If you sister is poison I completely understand why you wouldn't want her being in contact with your sister, my DS doesn;t see my nutcase of a sister and if it weren;t for the fact that XH takes DD to see her aginst my wishes she wouldn't see her either.

As for those people saying you are odd and need to grow up, they are probably those very lucky people who don't have someone who is bloody evil in their family.

I would send the gifts back though and tell your mother that under no circumstances will the children be meeting, end of, no discussions!

piscesmoon · 06/07/2009 21:58

' I am aware that the situation is very hard on my parents and our extended family, but unfortunately I can't do anything about that.

Of course you can! Life is too short to hold family feuds and it doesn't do you any good to feel such bitterness. I don't see how you can hold things against a baby-whatever your sister did. The 2 cousins will grow up and think you were both mad! (If you want us to think YANBU you need to tell us more).

monkeyfacegrace · 06/07/2009 21:59

Ok now the nosey bitch in me neeeeds to know what she did! Pleeeeeeeeease share!

ReneRusso · 06/07/2009 22:06

Yes I agree pisces. Need more info to say YANBU. Dish the dirt.

FairLadyRantALot · 06/07/2009 22:19

hmmm...op...you sound unreasonable, tbh...
and, sorry, but by those posts, I am not sure if it is really your sister that is the poisonous here...but, of course, without knowing the ins and outs of it all it's hard to really know.

My sister and I have not had any contact since x-mas 2000...and despite trying to get back into contact (writing letters, etc...)...nothing...now, it doesn't bother me so muhc for myself...what angers me is, that she has not seen her godson (my 13 year old es) since than...she also has never met ms and ys....

AnyFucker · 06/07/2009 22:26

come on, TorchCrap has finished now !

Original poster

gymknicks · 06/07/2009 22:28

I'm not trying to be a tease here, it's just va ery long and convoluted backstory, and also quite painful for me.

Can I just say that she did do something really unforgivably awful which really really upset and hurt me.

Even my mother (who understandably has not taken sides)acknowledges that what she did was terrible.

Neither my DH or my best friend (who have known my sister for fifteen years)think that severing all contact with her was unnecessary. They are both people who make no bones of telling me when I'm behaving like a twat (which is often). I trust that if they say that I did the right thing then they mean it.

I am less angry than I was. (Not hard as I was incandescent). But my life is immeasurably better without her toxic presence. I don't want to have anything to do with her, and I can't avoid seeing her when the children are this small. The only way is not have any contact with her or her her child.

I do totally accept that her daughter and my son will possibly think that I'm mental and wrong etc in the future. They may well be correct in that assumption.

But my son has cousins, he's not totally missing out. And I can't sacrifice my own mental wellbeing just so my sister's daughter gets to experience cousinhood. That's my sister's problem to deal with, and at least at the moment she's done zero to show that she wants to make any kind of ammends.

OP posts:

FairLadyRantALot · 06/07/2009 22:31

but it is not your sisters daughter fault when her mum did something unforgivable....but she is the one who is being punished....
it is understandable if you don't want to meet up with your sister....but if it doesn't involve your sister, than I can not see why you won't let your child have contact with their cousin, and also why you don't have any contact wiht your niece...

theDreadPirateRoberts · 06/07/2009 22:33

Well it sounds like you're not BU, but maybe you need to practise your delivery when you explain things to your family (over and over again I have no doubt), so people can't jump to the BU conclusion? Good luck...

FiveGoMadInDorset · 06/07/2009 22:33

Don't punish your niece.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 06/07/2009 22:34

gymnicks - i really do not think it needs explaining to be honest. Something that has happened to want you to severe contact with your sister cannot be easy to talk about I am sure. In my experience, something so damaging as a toxic member of family is far more difficult to explain than could ever be understood, so probably not worth trying and being successful at in a short time.

theDreadPirateRoberts · 06/07/2009 22:35

But how can she be punishing her niece? The niece probably doesn't know the son exists, and if her sister's pushing the lack of a cousin deliberately onto the niece in a 'well if your aunt was reasonable then' way, that's the sister being toxic - not the responsibility of Gymknicks.

ReneRusso · 06/07/2009 22:39

Ok, fair enough. I wish you could tell us everything, but I guess YANBU based on the scant evidence. Of course the niece will not suffer for it, cousins are a nice to have not a necessity.

Original poster

gymknicks · 06/07/2009 22:40

Honestly, it's because I want to punish my sister I think.

She's been so unutterably vile that I don't want to do anything that she wants. I think that punishing her is more important than her daughter knowing my son.

I haven't really admitted that to myself before. I'm not proud of it.

I need to have a long think about this.

On the other hand, I've only met her daughter once for about two hours. Not knowing her cousin won't ruin her childhood, I'm hardly murdering her pet rabbit. Why should I be responsible for her emotional needs? She's nothing to do with me.

Sorry, I know I sound mad. Also like a hard bitch. I'm really not, I am genuinely agonising over this. I am taking on board all of your comments.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 06/07/2009 22:42

yabu.

And tbh I find it impossible to believe that she can have done something so unforgiveable that you feel the need to take it out on a two year old child.

Did she kill someone? Abuse them physically? Sleep with your husband? Because if not there is nothing else that is surely that bad that it involves you having no relationship and forbidding your child from having a relationship with her's.

I appreciate that you have fallen out, but you are in the wrong here.

Whatever your sister has done it is not the fault of her child. Nor is it the fault of your child, who you are also punishing by denying him a relationship with his cousin.

AvengingGerbil · 06/07/2009 22:43

I don't get the 'importance' of this cousin relationship. I don't have any - my parents were both only children; DS has some, but they are all a) much older than he is (up to 20 yrs) and b) live at the other end of the country. Neither of us has noticeably felt the lack. Don't see why OP's niece should be being viewed as harmed in some way by not having relationship with this cousin.

motherpi · 06/07/2009 22:43

I'm not sure how anyone can give an opinion without knowing the key facts. Surely the real question here is 'Was what my sister did awful enough for me to stop all contact with her entire family?'

If yes, then YANBU. If no, then YU.

One person's "unforgivably awful" can be very different from anothers.

cheekster · 06/07/2009 22:46

You probably arent BU, although diffucult to judge without knowing everything exactly.

Im sure that your DS and her DD wont particulary miss out, your sister could always take her to playgroups etc to meet other children.

But do you plan to never have contact with sister and neice ever again?

If this is the case, (talking from experience) you will at one time live to regret it. No matter how 'unforgivable' she acted.

I can see you are v angry at the moment, but I hope one day you may sort it out.

I wish I had

dmo · 06/07/2009 22:46

my parents divored when i was 7 i went to live with my dad and saw my mum 1 weekend every month, i never saw (and we were close for 7yrs) any of my cousins on my mums side again, i am not broken because of it

also as my dad was the eldest of 7 children we were born near the top of the cousin ladder on my dads side and so by the time i was 15 and my aunts were having babies i was out with friends etc so not close to my new cousins

Original poster

gymknicks · 06/07/2009 22:51

It really was unforgivably awful. The people who know the story in RL have all said that they think that the option I took was a hard but an understandable and necessary one(and they are people who would not hesitate to tell me if they think I'm wrong. Particularly if, like DH, they have a vested intrest in the family relationship being harmonious)

Maybe if she was prepared to acknowledge what she did or apologise then I could consider some contact.

Maybe. Probably not. I don't know.

Sorry, really not trying to tease here, it's just to horrible and long and complicated to talk about on here.

OP posts:

purpleduck · 06/07/2009 22:54

Avenging - you don't miss cousins because you don't HAVE them....the ds and the neice WILL notice because they are being delibrately kept apart.

Gymkicks - I'm sure you have your reasons - but you do sound mean when you repeatedly say that "your sisters child's wellbeing is nothing to do with you" etc. Sounds harsh - she is only a child.

FWIW, I don't really speak to my brother -he did something crap too, but I could never NOT know his children. Luckily they mostly take after their mother in personality. Also, I have 3 neices, and 2 of them are very like me in many ways. KNowing them has honestly improved my life - they are their own people, and I have my own relationship with them that has nothing to do with their parents.

Seems to me like there will be no winners here. I'm not saying that you need to make up with your sister - just reconsider the fact that her child is still YOUR family - regardless of where she came from.

MrsWeasley · 06/07/2009 22:55

IMHO I think that if you dont want your DS meeting with your sisters DD then you dont let him sleepover at your mums if she is going to arrange a meeting especially if you think it will cause you upset or hurt.
You must look after your wellbeing and that of your DS.

DCs can have a good relationship with their grandparents without actually staying with them.

wannaBe · 06/07/2009 22:57

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