To have nothing to do with my neice?

[gymknicks]

I am estranged from my sister(long story).

We both have one child, her DD is four months older than my DS who is eighteen months. I have met her daughter once at a very awkward family gathering when the children were four and eight months respectively.

I am very very angry with my sister and am (on the whole) much happier now that I have nothing whatsoever to do with her. I am aware that the situation is very hard on my parents and our extended family, but unfortunately I can't do anything about that.

My mother has (passive-aggressively)made it very clear that she thinks it's a real shame for my sister's child not to have a relationship with her cousin.

In part, I know that this is because my sister's partner is an only child, so their child does not have any cousins other than my son.

I'm afraid that my POV on this is, well... tough shit. My DC has several cousins whom he sees regularly and has a lovely relationship with, so he's not missing out on experiencing that relationship. It's not my responsibility to make sure that my sister's child's emotional needs are met.

I am very aware that my mother is working up to asking if she can have my son for the weekend and have him meet his cousin.

I honestly cannot bear to see my sister or have anything to do with her, and I don't want her within a hundred feet of my child. I'm afraid that extends to her child also. (I bear my niece no malice at all, just to be clear)

AIBU to stand firm and refuse to allow my mother to orchestrate a meeting?

she said it had been going on for 30 years though reality.

Maybe she ate the last rolo or something.

Did she call your kid a munter?

Shes totally won the lottery and sent you a cheque for a fiver didnt she.

OP, are you posting on here and unearthing all this because you feel something has to change in your rship with your sister, and this post about the niece is a way of exploring that possibility?

im new here aswell but have to ask if all posts are supposed to entertain the population of MN? maybe the OP isnt worried if its boring some people? maybe shes just in a dilemma and is asking for help? if its boring why keep posting and asking for the gory details?

loadsa questions. and im wishing MN didnt have the [hmmm] face.

if this is truly a person in a dilemma then i think the response is a bit shit.

if its a journo then im easily duped. which i am. but id rather give someone the benefit of the doubt.

Not new or a journalist. Just namechanged. I do that fairly frequently as I don't like having traceable personal details online.

But now that the troll accusations have started flying, it's probably time to call it a night. The story with my sister and I is too long and painful to go into, and I don't want to keep dragging it out and making it seem as though I'm going to do a big reveal when I'm not.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. It's been useful, and I've taken on board all of your comments.

In a similar situation with my bro. However, I don't have the same level of loathing of him as you do, and while I have very little interest in his DC, he has zero interest in my DS. Having said that, when they have met at my sis's place, his DS has been very sweet to my DS, but his DD has ignored DS completely.

It would be very difficult for my DS and his DS to have any kind of relationship as they live a long way from the rest of us - but I do feel it would be nice for the 2 boys to have some kind of relationship as all the other cousins are girls. Not if it means I have to see my bro for any length of time though.

Tbh, cousins aren't necessarily all they're cracked up to be - we lost contact with our only 2 first cousins some time ago and don't miss them at all.

I don't subscribe to this business that blood is thicker than water, I have better friends than relations in many cases.

When your DC are older, they may choose to get to know each other and that will be up to them - I don't think you should stand in the way of that. But for now, I would do what makes you feel ok.

if it doesn't involve:

physical violence
abuse
adultery
murder

....then i can't think what the fuck it can be.

How can it be too long or painful? She did something, it hurt. What did she do? In one line. You must have considered that you were going to be asked before you started the thread, so its a bit attention seeking tbh.

...or that your Victoria Sponge wasn't very light?

but it could involve any of those? she hasnt said what it involves.

this thread has turned into a guessing game i dont see why the OP should have to spill her guts tbh.

no posts don't have to be there to entertain.

But op posted for advice without giving any real details. And when details were asked for so that people could give (informed) advice, she just kept coming back saying that she couldn't talk about it but that it was so truely terrible and unforgiveable that she just can't say, and then saying that we must be thinking she was a tease.

It's fine to ask for advice, but in reality you can't give someone advice if you don't have anything to go on can you?

Pickyvic - thanks for the support, but it's pretty much par for the course in AIBU... I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner tbh!

I have had lots of useful advice though, and I'm grateful for that.

YANBU. All this only-the-child-and-not-the-mother nonsense doesn't work in practise anyway. It can happen at an older age if both children want it to. I am in a similar situation of detesting someone as much as you (not a sister or close family of mine but someone from dh's side) and the other day she rang to wish my dd on her 7th birthday. Now dd is quite confused by this relationship with this person; while the woman was wishing her a happy birthday and making small talk with her dd was making a face at me and mouthing "I want to go" at me. She did not want to speak to this person and is confused that she has to go through this charade of pretending to care about someone who is kept at arm's length by the rest of the family. The odd thing is that the person in question thinks that dd is very close to her, in reality dd doesn't even know her name.

Could be something pet related?
I once flushed my best friend's sister's goldfish down the loo. However she has been surprisingly pleasant to me in adulthood.

Even without knowing the details you shouldn't be forced to have a relationship with anyone you don't want to.

And I don't think relationships that don't exist at the moment between cousins are at all important.

At the moment they are just two random children who don't know each other.

And you're the mum so you get to decide who you're kid associates with.

Bollocks gym, its not par of the course, you give info, you get opinions. just winding people up and making them waste their time is asking for negativity. Funnily enough, all you would have had to do is say what the fuck happened and you would have had support. Christ almighty.

bit harsh monkey - some of us don't need all the gory details to have sympathy and advice for a shit situation.

No, I understand that, but by going on and on and on about how terrible it was, but cant answer, so people cant give sympathy cuz they dont know whats going on! Its AIBU- well we need some info before we can answer. Its like me saying, 'my other half has been a prick, so I kicked him out. AIBU'. Not gunna tell you what he did though. Sodding pointless.

Blimey - you go away to see to a crying baby and at what happens!

The accusations that you're a journo are pretty laughable - it's not that interesting an scenario. Tons of people don't see their family members for whatever reason but hey ho, if it's troll-hunting they're after....

FWIW I would never reveal details of family feuds online - it would out me instantly (have namechanged a few times for fear of that) and cause numerous problems seeing as some of the issues had legal involvement BUT tbh I wouldn't bother canvassing opinion on what I should do about family members. Your life so only your opinion counts imo.

It could be a very long drawn out story monkeyfacegrace. If I were to tell mine I'd be here all night, there are so many subplots spanning about 10 years and involves assault, seduction, deceit and even intent to harm an unborn . It could also be painful for the OP to have to recount everything.

the OP has clearly been working something out in all of this and seems in a dilemma, not over the niece but more over her sister. she seems confused and split over what to do, seemingly wanted her sister to apologise and make amends but being too angry to do that herself or make the first move. i really really cannot understand what she has done to warrant the negative and arsy comments just cos she wont go into graphic detail about what her sister did. seems the name change was for good reason for her. i think its a bit mean spirited and i think she was maybe right to be guarded about what info she chose to put out. how does she know who else sees this board? i wouldnt put any identifying features on here either tbh.

Ok, Monkey, you're probably right. I should have known better than to expect people not to be curious about he backstory then pissed off when I wouldn't tell it.

In my defence, it didn't ocur to me that what my sister did would have so much bearing on the opinions posters formed regarding the situation with the children. I sort of thought of them as seperate issues, though of course they're not.

It wasn't my intention to waste anyone's time, and I am genuinely grateful for all the advice that I've been given.

And now I really am signing off!

Ahh but megapix, thats enough to deem YANBU. See, you explained enough in one sentence! And sorry about your problems too x