To have nothing to do with my neice?

[gymknicks]

I am estranged from my sister(long story).

We both have one child, her DD is four months older than my DS who is eighteen months. I have met her daughter once at a very awkward family gathering when the children were four and eight months respectively.

I am very very angry with my sister and am (on the whole) much happier now that I have nothing whatsoever to do with her. I am aware that the situation is very hard on my parents and our extended family, but unfortunately I can't do anything about that.

My mother has (passive-aggressively)made it very clear that she thinks it's a real shame for my sister's child not to have a relationship with her cousin.

In part, I know that this is because my sister's partner is an only child, so their child does not have any cousins other than my son.

I'm afraid that my POV on this is, well... tough shit. My DC has several cousins whom he sees regularly and has a lovely relationship with, so he's not missing out on experiencing that relationship. It's not my responsibility to make sure that my sister's child's emotional needs are met.

I am very aware that my mother is working up to asking if she can have my son for the weekend and have him meet his cousin.

I honestly cannot bear to see my sister or have anything to do with her, and I don't want her within a hundred feet of my child. I'm afraid that extends to her child also. (I bear my niece no malice at all, just to be clear)

AIBU to stand firm and refuse to allow my mother to orchestrate a meeting?

OP is quite within her rights to ask for opinions based on the evidence given, even if we would all prefer to have the gory details. and to be fair she has taken all comments on the chin.

Whatever your sister did, I am getting the impression that it was a single (ish) act, not an ongoing behaviour pattern and not something that means she is a danger to your DC or you or anyone else.
So I think you should start getting over it. Hanging on to rage and spite for years is not good for you, as well as being tiresome for your family.

especially 30 years....that is very unhealthy....obviously no idea how old you and your sister are....but, you may even were children....

depends what it was solidgoldbrass.

ive never been happier than when i finally let go of my loser family. in fact karma helped. stepfather had heart attack which i like to think was brought on by the letter i sent my darling mother.

rage and spite can keep you going until your ready to let it go. what tired me out was trying to keep up appearances and pretence. much healthier to acknowledge your feelings imo.

(shame i dont have a grave to go piss on but you cant have everything i guess.)

so i am able to find some sympathies for OP.

You're all right by me gymknicks - I can understand not wanting to give full details, but needing some fresh opinions to chew it over. Hope the outsider perspectives give you something to work with, I think you've been very gracious on this thread. Good luck.

I don't see why you should explain what happened with your sister just to satisfy people's rubber necking curiousity. It's enough to explain, as you have, that those intimate with the details agree that what she did was completely vile.

YANBU - it's just a potential cousin relationship that isn't going to happen; for good reason it would seem. No biggie

lol pickyvic, my sentiments exactly

but dittany, from what she has said, her DS won't be missing anything at all from not knowing his "aunt".

The only thing I would find sad is that the niece might not be able to stand her mother either, and she is losing the possibility of having an aunt she could turn to. BUt as they are all so very young at the moment, this could change as they get older anyway.

I have cousins somewhere I have never seen

Didn't do me any harm

< twitch >

Just because someone shares genes with you doesn't mean you have to have them in your life! So many people think they owe relatives something, like it's some great sin to not play happy families.

It's not.

If you don't want anything to do with your sister, that's no problem.

You don't know your niece, so there's no love or relationship there is there? So why go to the trouble of creating one just because you are 'supposed' to be one big happy family? you don't love someone you don't know, just because of a closer than average genetic link!

I've got a massive number of relatives I wouldn't know if I fell over, due to a big fall out (parents & grandparents) years ago. I don't give a shit and I certainly don't feel my kids are missing anything. These are strangers. Why force a relationship just because we are related?

That's how I see it. Why seek out a stranger and force yourself to like / love / have contact with them, just because they are related to you? When you think about it, it's daft!

I grew up with cousins I saw 2-3 times a year. I now see them every 5 years or so. If I had never met them it wouldn't have made a huge difference to my life. It was good seeing them as kids mainly because we were usually visiting grandparents and the adults would caht for hours and we had someone different to play with. My sibs are distant and my kids see cousins once or twice a year.
I think if your kids have friends then cousins are good to have if they live near and you like them, irrelevent if you don't.
I think calling the children here "victims" is a bit OTT. If they had lived in different countries they may never have met yet had happy lives, same for kids with no cousins.
As long as a kid has friends I think cousins are a bit irrelevent to a child's happiness.

I don't think the op is being unreasonable at all. Close family is important - I hope I will be there for my children all of my life. I will also be there for my parents and dh. However, that's it. In my view, other family members have no right to my affections or sympathies. This is not to say that I do not have a good realationship with them, I do, but it is a relationship to which we both contribute and work at. If any of us stopped contributing the relationship would stop. The OP's sister has no "right" to a relationship with the OP or her family and if she has done something that the OP cannot forgive, I think it is entirely reasonable for the OP to cut her out of her life.

I grew up with no cousins/aunts/uncles, as both my parents were only children. My ds sees his cousins once a year when we are back in UK, and they don't keep in contact the rest of the year, so I don't see what the big deal is.

You have to do what is good for your family first (dh and kids) and then consider everyone else after. Those who are saying get over it have obviously never dealt with toxic family members and have no conception of the damage it can do. I had a toxic father and felt such relief when he died, as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could finally at 35 be me, instead of who he thought I should be.

totally agree with 2rebecca. The whole cousin relationship is imho vastly overrated. I did not grow up close to either side of my family (about 14 cousins total) although I did see them sporadically throughout my childhood. There are 2 that I have seen the most and I probably see them once a year max. They are part of my family but they have no discernible impact on my life.

Dh has lived near his family all of his life and grew up quite close to his cousins, as an adult he now sees them a couple of times a year at family gatherings (last night we were with a few that we hadn't seen in several years despite all living within 30mins from each other!). There's no bad feeling, there's just no close connection either.

I think as an aunt and a sister I would like our children to be close but it would also not surprise me that their bond is not as close as mine is to my siblings..because it isn't! So if I didn't get on with my sisters why on earth would my children need to hang out?

OP YANBU.

My children have practically nothing to do with their cousins on either side. My exh family took his side as we divorced and have had very little contact with my kids since (15)

My sister is pure and utter poison and we have nothing whatsoever to do with her or her kids.

My kids have not missed out, they see grandparents (on both sides). They have lots of friends and spend time with my dp family.

In my opinion, cousins are a lovely addition to your kids lives but its not always as easy as that is it?

sorry that was meant to say 15 years since we divorced!

I think you sound so angry that it might be unhealthy for you to start opening doors again. You'd be stewing over it the whole time if you allowed contact, and sometimes if you give an inch people take a mile, for example if you agreed to contact without your sister there would your mum abide by that?

Very tricky situation. It's hard because my family all get on like a house on fire and I could never imagine not seeing my nieces so is hard to put myself in your place.

I guess my only worry would be, if you cut off all contact with your DS, he may well wonder in the future why it turned out like that. Then you risk him getting her side of the story when he's old enough to enquire independantly and her side might not be favourable to you.

I think I'd try for some middle ground whereby your mother has the two children without either of you present. Only needs to be once in a blue moon, enough to not close off their relationship but not enough for her to get under your skin. Would that be an option or is your mother likely to sneak your sister in?

Really sorry you're in this position.

Have nothing to do with your niece if you don't want to - that's entirely up to you. But don't expect to dictate to your mum that she can't have her granddaughter in her home, just because your ds is there too. If you're the one with the problem, you'll have to be the one whose ds fits in when it's convenient, not your sister's dd.

I feel sorriest for your mum in the whole situation. She's the one who's being torn between you.

Thank you all for your replies and for sharing your experiences.

I spent a long sleepless night last night thinking it over.

I am trying to be honest with myself about my motivations for not allowing contact. I'm considering whether I would be able to allow some contact for my sister's daughter's sake, and seperate that from my feelings about my sister. I haven't come to any conclusions, but I'm trying very hard to find a solution that is right and fair for everyone.

Scotia, you're right in that is hard for my mum. I wouldn't dream of dictating when she can have her own granddaughter in her home, but I think that I might say that if she has my son it will have to be at a time when my sister's child will not be there. Actually things are fairly strained between her and I too, mainly because I was very angry at her for not taking sides - my side! - at the time of the estrangement with my sister. I am aware that this is not reasonable. I know that my own behaviour hasn't been that great, mainly becuase I was so incredibly upset and angry and also in a very vulnerable emotional state at the time.

Greensleeves speaks sense - a comment f hers from earlier "I think a lot of these posts come from people who have fairly normal families and don't realise what it's like to have really extreme family issues

not everything can be resolved with an olive branch and a kind word unfortunately"

Absolutely. I have every sympathy with the OP and understand that she may not want to go into all the details.

Some people are so poisonous in life that you have to cut them out. So what about the anuty/niece relationship, and the two cousins. Seriously it sounds as if the OP would not benefit at all from having these relationships.

I had to cut half my family out of my life. My gran raised me from birth (I called her mum for years), and the abuse and nastiness cut so deep that I left at the age of 16, and apart from 2 brief chance meetings in the 15 years since, I never spoke to her again. She died in March this year. I do not regret having cut her out of my life, I would have ended up a gibbering wreck if I had carried on contact, as it is it took years to get through all the bad feeling etc.

Have started to try and make cordial relations with some other relatives, but to be honest if they start messing with my head again I will be off like a shot, no backwards glance. And I am a reasonable person, not a nutcase. You do what you have to do in order to achieve as contented life as you can.

OP - every sympathy, put your foot down to your mum, and be thankful you live miles away.

Princesstoadstol, I'm sorry you feel duped but I think that I was pretty clear that I wasn't going to go into details about the estrangement.

I hoped that posters would give me their opinions regardless. I have had lots of advice that I have listened to and found helpful. I am very grateful for this.

I also totally accept that others might feel that they can't comment without knowing the full story. I completely understand this, and am sorry if they feel that I have wasted their time. There was never an intention to lead people on, however.