To have nothing to do with my neice?

[gymknicks]

I am estranged from my sister(long story).

We both have one child, her DD is four months older than my DS who is eighteen months. I have met her daughter once at a very awkward family gathering when the children were four and eight months respectively.

I am very very angry with my sister and am (on the whole) much happier now that I have nothing whatsoever to do with her. I am aware that the situation is very hard on my parents and our extended family, but unfortunately I can't do anything about that.

My mother has (passive-aggressively)made it very clear that she thinks it's a real shame for my sister's child not to have a relationship with her cousin.

In part, I know that this is because my sister's partner is an only child, so their child does not have any cousins other than my son.

I'm afraid that my POV on this is, well... tough shit. My DC has several cousins whom he sees regularly and has a lovely relationship with, so he's not missing out on experiencing that relationship. It's not my responsibility to make sure that my sister's child's emotional needs are met.

I am very aware that my mother is working up to asking if she can have my son for the weekend and have him meet his cousin.

I honestly cannot bear to see my sister or have anything to do with her, and I don't want her within a hundred feet of my child. I'm afraid that extends to her child also. (I bear my niece no malice at all, just to be clear)

AIBU to stand firm and refuse to allow my mother to orchestrate a meeting?

It really is impossible to say if YABU or not without having some idea of why you are at odds with your sister. If she is violent, or psychologically abusive, or has remained in a relationship with a man who is abusive (or a child-porn viewer or something) then YANBU at all. If its some long-standing sibling crap like she moaned about the colour of the napkins at your wedding, forgot your birthday when you were teenagers or told everyone in school that you wet the bed then it's probably time to get over it.

narrator, that is a bit harsh

we don't know the circs here.....

I can't decide whether you're BU or not, without the backstory. But I guess if you're not going to allow the cousins' relationship to develop, then you're going to have to get used to telling the story in one form or another, so that you can explain why everyone else knows neice, but your DD can't...

um

narrator your post presupposes that the family is capable of "proper family christmases, and mother's days, and weddings"

or of creating a secure and safe environment for a child

in my case all my children are "missing out on" is pain, misery, fear, abuse and a bit more pain

if they resent me when they are older because they have grown up at a sufficient distance from all that crap that they can't believe it was ever that bad, then I've done my job

it's not about making sure your children say 'thank you Mum' when they are older, it's about making sure they are safe and happy and not exposing them to damaged vicious people who WILL hurt them

if the children choose to seek these people out and attempt to build a relationship with them when they are old enough to look after themselves, then at least they will have had the opportunity to grow a bit of self-esteem and some sense of what the normal boundaries of behaviour are first.

"My mother has (passive-aggressively)made it very clear that she thinks it's a real shame for my sister's child not to have a relationship with her cousin."

It is a shame that the cousins can't have a relationship.

My mum and auntie often fight, and as a consequence, my cousins and I barely know each other. It really ticks us all off that they - the GROWN-UPS couldn't be more...adult.

Seems to me that letting the cousins see each other through your mum is a good compromise.

Can you maybe stipulate that your sister not be around?

Finally, do you REALLY want this squabble to be handed down through the generations? Thats what you guys are doing you know.

No matter what you and your sister feel for each other, the kids are innocent.

Anyway, as someone said Torchwood's about to start, plus the Fonz is posting at 9, so I'll be back at 10 should my AIBU judgement be wanted

yes we need the backstory

Obviously I cannot know what my sister wants as we are not in contact.

However, she has sent my son a birthday and Christmas presents. Desite me (politely and clearly) telling her before the children were born that I had no expectation of there being any relationship between them and that I would not welcome any attempt on her part to create one.

Ok, so this could be an attempt at reconciliation, but I don't think so.

If she genuinely wanted a reconciliation with me then she could write to me, email me or phone me.

She could say "Look here gymknicks, you're clearly really angry with me. Well am angry with you too, but this is ridiculuous, can we not come to some arrangement for the childrens' sake?"

I could give her the benefit of the doubt, but I'm afraid that my instinct(born of thirty years bitter experience)tells me is so that that she can tell everyone at length that she sent my son a present which I didn't even acknowledge and nor did I send her her child one and it's oh such shame because all she wants is for everyone to get on and be happy because she's just such a nice person.

Nah, it suits her to make a gesture that she knows will be rejected by me so that she can continue to present herself favourably. Her daughter and my son have nothing to do with it.

The children are both less than 2 years old. How about you reassess the relationship (or lack of it) at a time when they would actually remember it?

I agree with purpleduck.

it's the kids here I feel sorry for, they've done nothing wrong. I can't see what harm there will be if your mum watches the kids (yours and your sister's) so they could meet (even if that means dropping your DC off at her house and returning when your sister isn't around).
Again, it's difficult to really comment because you haven't given the full picture.
FWIW, I don't really have anything in common with my BIL/SIL so I tend to just see them about once a year (they have kids the same age as my one) but now happy with the way things are. We all have nothing in common, so I suppose if you are happy with that scenario then it's best to leave things as they are (but be civil because you will cross paths at a funeral no doubt!).

Yes, Torchwood....

Am not jumping ship on this, will return.

Thank you for your replies so far. I am thinking about what you've said (especially about passing on the feud etc).

My DH cannot stand his sister (and after trying for several years, I can understand why!). Her children are quite difficult, too, and a little older than my DS.

However, I am pleased that my MIL has arranged for my DS to come over a play with one of his cousins in a week or so (SIL lives 2 hrs away and won't be there). My DS adores his cousin and I know he will be safe with him (not the case when all 3 of them are there!). Unfortunately, DH won't have him in the house due to an incident 6 months ago.

I find it quite a difficult moral issue to navigate tbh. Her children, although very priviledged, seem quite unhappy. I feel it is our duty of aunties/uncles to develop a relationship with them irrespective of our feelings towards their parents. I admit fail on this often. I cannot just wash my hands of them though - they are children and I believe it is every adults responsibility to nurture the next generation, not just our offspring.

Maybe we, well I, feel a little differently because it is our son that is the only child with no other cousins.

I can tell you one thing though - I wouldn't leave my son in the sole care of my SIL for one second. I do tolerate her on minimal occasions though for the sake of the children.

But why should she be manipulated into sending back a present, when she has made it clear that she doesn't want the cousins to have a relationship?

As she says, her sister could communicate with her directly, instead of doing this oblique present thing.

err, gymknicks, your last post is sounding a bit mad

what did she do, fgs ?

I am so sorry you in such a horrid position. I do not know the background of course, but I had to make a similar, very very painful decision myself.

My sister and I are estranged. As is your sister, my sister is poison, and could possibly offer no positivity to either mine or my children's life. I made the very very difficult choice to cut her out of my life completely even though it meant my DD (only one child at the time) would not have a relationship with her 2 cousins (dd is now 3, her cousins are 6 and 4). I agonised, not for DD losing out, even though she has limited family around as DHs family are in USA (but funnily enough we are close to emotionally) but more for the fact that I was leaving her poor children with her and no support. But I had to, for the sake of my family, and to remove her utter dispicable character from my life. I could not have my DD around her, and more than that, I cannot look at her without contempt, anger and bitterness and I do not want my DD to see me that way, or hear arguments, which there would no doubt be.

My sister has made her choices in her life, and she has had to suffer the consequences of this. We are not talking about a little argument over dresses or boyfriends. Our relationship is complex, more complex than could really ever be explained to full understanding by others.

if my mother was still alive, I would have no problems at all with my children associating with their cousins, in fact would perhaps even encourage it, as long as it meant my sister had nothing to do with my children. As I bear her children no ill, and it the only thing I regret about cutting ties, is the relationship with her children that I will lose out on. But I cannot have one without the other due to age.

So no, if there are good reasons, (whether you share them or not, only you can decide if they are good reasons) YANBU.

Interesting, because I felt in our case that the only way for me NOT to pass all the pain and hostility on into my children's lives was to cut the whole lot of them dead

I think a lot of these posts come from people who have fairly normal families and don't realise what it's like to have really extreme family issues

not everything can be resolved with an olive branch and a kind word unfortunately

difficult to know how the OP should proceeed without knowing a bit more about her and her family

Thanks to modern technology (let's face it Facebook is only going to get more intrusive) they will be able to start a relationship with their cousins when they are older. And if they really want to they will...

she has gone to watch torchwood

that proves she is maaad

just my little joke

LOL, I'm watching it as well. Am fighting against it, but losing.

Yes I agree Greensleeves. It's very difficult for people who grew up in normal families to understand just how necessary it can feel for some people to just cut themselves off from a hideously toxic family.

I guess I'm kind of assuming that this is a toxic-type situation as otherwise it would be barking. And that's the probelm, so often for toxic families they manage to make the black sheep look like the barking one.

Anyway, back to lurvely Capn Jack H...

YANBU, trust your instincts.