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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL being judgemental and over-bearing about DC's baptism.

340 replies

Rollergirl1 · 05/07/2009 22:55

DH and I are not religious. DH's parents are practising catholics and DH was heavily involved in the church until he was a teenager (was an alter boy). I was christened when young but haven't gone to church since i was little. We had a civil ceremony when we got married. DD is due to start school in Sep 2010 and I have started looking at local schools. The two best schools in our area by a mile are the two local catholic schools. So we are now getting DD (3) and DS (1) baptised. And we are getting them baptised at PIL's local church despite it being 200 miles away from where we live. The reason that we are doing this is because local churches expect you to go to church regularly before they will consider baptising. So this is purely down to laziness and convenience. MIL knows the exact reason we are doing this and knows that we are not religious. She is making a big deal of it, arranging marquee for after the ceremony and inviting all their side of the family, etc. And I am happy for her to do so because she is doing us a favour. One of the godparents (my best friend)is unable to make it as they have other plans for that date. I wouldn't dream of making her change them as she knows this is not a big thing for us and we are really only doing for reasons cited above. Also my Mum won't be able to make as she is having a knee replacement the week before and won't even be able to walk. And she is not religious and not catholic. And it is happening 200 miles away. But my MIL is now saying that if my best friend can't come than i should ask someone else to be the godparent and has firmly stated that she thinks my mum should be there. I'm now getting stressed as I really don't want to make a big deal of this as we are only doing for the reason of schools but then think am I being unreasonable as MIL doing us a favour by sorting this out for us?

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 05/07/2009 22:57

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thisisyesterday · 05/07/2009 22:59

agree with TMMJ.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 05/07/2009 22:59

I think you are a hypocrit.

ConnieComplaint · 05/07/2009 23:00

YABU to have a child christened for those selfish reasons.

The whole purpose of having godparents is for them to be there for the children....it isn't a good start for them not to be actually present on the actual day........ And I don't know what way it would work anyway, as Godparents have to take vows... ie: be there to say them!!

AnyFucker · 05/07/2009 23:00

I agree with mmj

You are being very open about the fact you are baptising your children purely in order to get them into the school of your choice

how very hypocritical of you to then turn your nose up at what are very natural expectations of a baptism ceremony

MikeStand · 05/07/2009 23:05

I think you have to do more than a baptism to get into a religious school. Around here worthy works are taken into consideration eg brownie/guide/scout leader, weekly attendance at church, key figure on PTA. Good luck with your hypocrisy. Personally YABU to consider sending your children to a church school when you are not religious. What moral message does that give your children? Let's manipulate the system for our own gratification?

oodlesofpoodles · 05/07/2009 23:05

How can your friend be Godparent if she isn't going? Your school is likely to give priority to children baptised in the parish and to those who actually attend the church. Have you arranged it with your PIL priest? I thought you needed Bishops dispensation to be baptized out of parish (might be wrong about that).

Original poster
Rollergirl1 · 05/07/2009 23:07

I can understand why people think I am a hypocrite. I am being totally hypocritical. But I want my child to go to a good school.

But the godparent thing, apparently you can have family members stand in for the godparents if need be. And the way I see it is that I decided the godparents based on their qualities and abilities, not because of their presence for one day.

OP posts:
LovingtheSilverFox · 05/07/2009 23:09

Sorry, but I have to agree. Other than the school issue you wouldn't be doing this, which isn't really taking it seriously.

cornsilk · 05/07/2009 23:10

What will you do a few years down the line when it comes to Holy Communion etc then?

FiveGoMadInDorset · 05/07/2009 23:10

TO get into our local faith school we have to go to mass, is that the case with you, are you going to carry through with it?

Clary · 05/07/2009 23:11

What tmmj said.

Tho I believe godparents can do it in absentia - have a feeling one of my DCs' gps were not able to be there.

This whole thing is icky tho. Will you get the DC into catholic school just by baptising them? And do you want them to go to Catholic school (mass etc) if you and DH don't believe?

And yes, you surely will need some kind of approval from local priest; our DC were baptised out of parish (at DH's church, for mainly family reasons) and we had to get agreement from our vicar at the church we attend here.

FAQinglovely · 05/07/2009 23:12

agree with the rest of them.

thisisyesterday · 05/07/2009 23:12

previous posters are right as well.
the catholic schools near me have preferences for children under the care of local authority who are catholic, other children under local authority care, children from LOCAL catholic churches with siblings at the school, then those from local catholic churches without siublings, then those from catholic churches within a certain radius, then those frm other local churches with sibling... and so on and so forth.

so, I fear this could all be in vain anyway

Original poster
Rollergirl1 · 05/07/2009 23:15

I think we will start going to the local church. But we wanted to get the baptism done and dusted before we started looking at schools and just felt that this was the quickest way to get it done.

OP posts:
LovingtheSilverFox · 05/07/2009 23:15

Although, that wasn't really the issue you were raising....if your MIL has arranged everything, because for her this is a big deal. You can ask for someone to stand in proxy for a missing god parent, we did as one of the godfathers was also catering the party afterwards, and couldn't leave the food to get to the service, so my brother stood up and made the promises.

Clary · 05/07/2009 23:25

aaah this is making my toes curl.

oodlesofpoodles · 05/07/2009 23:26

If you didn't want to make a big deal of it then YABU asking a practicing Catholic to organise it for you. It is probably a huge deal to your MIL, on par with a wedding so for your best friend and mother not to be going will be odd for her even if its not for you.

Original poster
Rollergirl1 · 05/07/2009 23:32

Oodles: I know i know everything that you are saying. It is a big deal for her. But it was DH's idea to ask her to sort. I was all for going to the local church every sunday and getting it done here.

OP posts:
lockets · 05/07/2009 23:35

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bigchris · 05/07/2009 23:35

yabu

you are making a commitment to bring up your kids in a religiius way that you feel nothing for

and your mum wont even be there!

i'd forget the whole thing and investigate othrr schools

ninedragons · 05/07/2009 23:36

I really don't see the problem about lying about one's degree of religious commitment when state-funded schools are religious. If there's any hypocrisy here, it's the government using the taxes paid by all people to fund religious education targeted at a few select people.

But I agree with oodlesofpoodles - it was probably a bit insensitive to expect a Catholic to be as phlegmatic about her granddaughter's baptism as you are.

bigchris · 05/07/2009 23:36

and dont go by ofsted stats alone, go and see them
some rel schs are very sttict, your children mihht do better in a non faith school

bigchris · 05/07/2009 23:38

ninedragons - in that case surely its better just not to use them then to make that point?

lockets · 05/07/2009 23:38

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