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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not cook DD any tea at 9.30pm on a Sunday night?

78 replies

TequilaMockinBird · 21/06/2009 22:04

DD (11) has been at XP's today for a few hours.

She came home about 4.30pm and was playing out in the street with some friends.

At 5.30pm she came in to ask if she go to the park with one of her friends and his mum. They were then going to call into said friends' grandmothers before coming home.

I said to her that I was just about to start tea and she replied saying 'no I want to go to the park and I'm not hungry anyway'.

So she came in at 9.30pm and asked what was for tea. I said that she could have a sandwich or a bagel but that I would not be cooking anything at 9.30pm. With this started a screaming match as she wanted a proper cooked meal.

Apparently I'm a parent and therefore I should make tea for her whenever and wherever she wants it. I explained that had she not gone to the park, she could've had a hot cooked meal but apparently this is not what 'all of her friends mums do'

I offered to make her some cheese on toast or 1 of those awful microwave pizzas that she loves but no that was not good enough and she was 'starving'.

So now half an hour has passed with her crying and saying I'm such a bad mum because I won't feed her! She has now decided that she does the want microwave pizza afterall but wont put it in herself and cant understand why after half an hour of her screaming at me, I wont put it in for her either.

I'm really sick of this attitude she currently has and it's wearing me down , I'm at my wits end with her.

So, AIBU? Should I have cooked something for her? WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

TequilaMockinBird · 21/06/2009 22:05

I must add that this isnt the first time this has happened!

It's more her attitude tbh. If she had asked nicely rather than demanding a proper meal, I would have been more open to cooking her something!

OP posts:

JodieO · 21/06/2009 22:06

Can't she make herself something at 11 years old?

aGalChangedHerName · 21/06/2009 22:08

I wouldn't cook for anyone at 9.30pm any evening tbh,adult or child.

I usually keep a meal and they blast it in the microwave if they are not eating with us tho.

Do the pizza and it'll shut her up!! Get her fed and away to bed and you can have peace and quiet

TubOfLardWithInferiorRange · 21/06/2009 22:08

I'd cook her something, get her off to bed, and at some later time I would talk to her about it. She probably hasn't had a lot of experience with being hungry or 'starving' and maybe didn't even realize that she was going to get that hungry if she missed the meal.

dittany · 21/06/2009 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ewe · 21/06/2009 22:09

YANBU

I would let her sort herself something out or she can go to bed hungry. You have offered to make her some food, you are not starving her, she needs a bit of perspective.

Maybe a little chat about all the starving children in the world and how she could be a little more grateful. My Mum used to do that and it worked a treat!

Thunderduck · 21/06/2009 22:09

YANBU.

She's old enough surely to prepare a simple meal and if she argued over it for half an hour she can't be that hungry.

TubOfLardWithInferiorRange · 21/06/2009 22:10

Yes, HELLO-it is unreasonable to think you're going to be able to reason with a starving eleven year old at 9:30 p.m. Scramble her some eggs for gosh sakes!

dittany · 21/06/2009 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thunderduck · 21/06/2009 22:11

I don't believe she's starving if she had time to argue with her mother about what she wanted to eat and who'd prepare it.

GrimmaTheNome · 21/06/2009 22:12

YANBU. (Except that you probably should be enforcing that she's home a bit earlier when theres school the next day)
A couple of times DD has been over the road with friends who usually feed her if she's there but come home a bit late unfed - in that case she gets offered beans on toast or bread and cheese and fruit and she wouldn't dream of asking for 'a proper cooked meal' instead if she's been out playing instead of home at teatime.

You're a parent and therefore you should - not pander to your DDs whims, but make the rules - home by xx pm if you want proper dinner or xx otherwise

JennyTaylier · 21/06/2009 22:13

Don't give in. She's tired & so are you probably, but she is able to pop a pizza in the microwave herself at her age. Pour yourself a glass of wine & switch on the telly. It's far too late to be cooking for someone & she'll have forgotten about it tomorrow. Be strong.

thisisyesterday · 21/06/2009 22:14

well, i'd have either told her she had to stay in and have tea, or made enough for her and kept it warm/warmed it up when she got in.

it's late, she's tired and hungry. of course she's going to be unreasonable.

Original poster

TequilaMockinBird · 21/06/2009 22:15

I think part of the problem is that she has been at XP's - whenever she comes back from his she speaks to me like dirt - as he used to do .

She could make herself something yes. I have said to her that at 11.6 years old, she should be able to make herself something. But apparantly none of her friends do this and so I'm not a proper mother because I'm asking her to cook for herself!

She's now lay on her bed kicking the wall repeatedly. I really do want to make her something as I think it must be awful to go to bed hungry but I'm also wary of giving in to her! Her attitude of late is such that I'm trying to stick to all my threats.

I've already taken her laptop off her and told her she can't have it tomorrow because of her attitude tonight. If she keeps going I will also take her mobile!

I just feel guilty about her being hungry, and hoping she wont go into school tomorrow and tell the teachers that I wouldnt feed her! I'm far too soft with her and that's half the problem I think

OP posts:

mamas12 · 21/06/2009 22:15

yanbu you are being a mormal parent she is bu (but she is only 11)
None of the other mums do this
Who's in control here you or her.
Would've told her earlier when she said she wasn't hungry that you wouldn't be cooking later mind,so that if she was hungry to sort herself out.

TubOfLardWithInferiorRange · 21/06/2009 22:16

Okay-I have it! From another thread on Mumsnet-a couple slices of toast with Nutella and a big glass of cold milk. No cooking involved-it just sounds to me like it's comfort food she's looking for and good for her if she understands at 11 that it doesn't come from the microwave. No, it's heaven in a jar!

Original poster

TequilaMockinBird · 21/06/2009 22:16

If I'd made something I would've kept her a plate but because she'd said she wasnt hungry I assumed XP must've fed her a big dinner and so just made a sandwich for myself

OP posts:

mamas12 · 21/06/2009 22:18

Keep doing what you are doing poor thing going from your ex to you
My ds is angry when he comes back from my ex and I don't put up with it either.
So hard though

plimple · 21/06/2009 22:20

YANBU if you made it clear that the choice was park or tea. YABU to allow her out knowing she'd not had tea and wouldn't be back til 9:30pm and you didn't check that she'd be fed at the friend's Mum's/Grandma's.
What did the friend eat? Presumably something before 5:30 or something before 9:30, why wasn't your daughter given food by the friend's Mum?
Personally I'd have said she could go out after your 5:30 tea or not at all.

dittany · 21/06/2009 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magnolia74 · 21/06/2009 22:25

Why on earth was she still out at 9.30pm at 11????

Sorry but make her stay in at tea time and then if she doesn't eat it's tough but to allow her to decide when she bothers being home to eat at 11yrs is absurd!!

Mumofagun · 21/06/2009 22:26

So from 4.30 - 9.30 she hadn't eaten. And maybe from before 4.30 obviously. If I wasn't prepared to make her a snack when she came in I wouldn't have let her out again an told her " in was for in". Sorry, You let her out all day.

Original poster

TequilaMockinBird · 21/06/2009 22:29

Thanks all, I know I shouldn't have let her go without tea but if I hadnt then I would've just had a battle about not allowing her to go!

Her friend would've probably eaten before they went, they always eat earlier than us but with me working full time, we tend to eat about 5.30-6.00 ish after I've finished work.

I've just been in and offered her the final chance. That if she gets her pyjamas on, tidies away her dirty socks and her trainers which she dumped in the hallway, then I will make her a pizza. She answered 'why should I tidy my things away when you wont make me any food' so with that I left the room.

She proceeded to kick and kick at the wall so I have just been in and removed her TV. Thing is I do want to give her something to eat but her attitude is just appalling. It's as though she's not even hungry but is just purposefully trying to wind me up!

God this is so hard, it's times like this I really wish I had XP here

OP posts:

juuule · 21/06/2009 22:29

What's wrong with 9:30 on a light night when she is at a friends?

I would have told her to get herself something. Beans on toast? Sausage & beans?

Original poster

TequilaMockinBird · 21/06/2009 22:31

I didn't realise that they would be out until 9.30pm by the way. I assumed they would be back about 8pm - yes, I should have checked but as her friend is a couple of years younger than her I thought they would be back earlyish anyway.

Even at 8pm though, I wouldn't have cooked her a full proper meal! She knows when teatime is and she knows that if she misses teatime, it's sandwiches or beans on toast etc. rather than a meal.

OP posts:

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