To not cook DD any tea at 9.30pm on a Sunday night?

[TequilaMockinBird]

DD (11) has been at XP's today for a few hours.

She came home about 4.30pm and was playing out in the street with some friends.

At 5.30pm she came in to ask if she go to the park with one of her friends and his mum. They were then going to call into said friends' grandmothers before coming home.

I said to her that I was just about to start tea and she replied saying 'no I want to go to the park and I'm not hungry anyway'.

So she came in at 9.30pm and asked what was for tea. I said that she could have a sandwich or a bagel but that I would not be cooking anything at 9.30pm. With this started a screaming match as she wanted a proper cooked meal.

Apparently I'm a parent and therefore I should make tea for her whenever and wherever she wants it. I explained that had she not gone to the park, she could've had a hot cooked meal but apparently this is not what 'all of her friends mums do'

I offered to make her some cheese on toast or 1 of those awful microwave pizzas that she loves but no that was not good enough and she was 'starving'.

So now half an hour has passed with her crying and saying I'm such a bad mum because I won't feed her! She has now decided that she does the want microwave pizza afterall but wont put it in herself and cant understand why after half an hour of her screaming at me, I wont put it in for her either.

I'm really sick of this attitude she currently has and it's wearing me down , I'm at my wits end with her.

So, AIBU? Should I have cooked something for her? WWYD?

Tequila - you are not ignoring her needs as a child. She's being a little brat. 'Demanding' you cook her a 'proper' meal, kicking her bedroom wall, telling you that you aren't a proper mother - phuft, I wouldn't have seen the outside of my room for a good while I tell ya!

You don't need to see a solicitor or any of that crap.

Your Ex who treat you badly is clearly filling her head with 'you are not a proper mum' crap.

Both of them need dealing with.

How would it go if you told her that if she thinks so little of you and so much of him, she is welcome to go and live at his house & tell him that he's welcome to be a full time parent as you are clearly not fit for the purpose... (Clearly you'd only want to say this if you know both of them definitely wouldn't go for that!!).

As you said yourself, you have been too lenient on her and your ex isn't helping, but you need to 'mean business' now and make sure she realises that you are NOT there for her to wipe her feet on.

Make her earn back her tv, phone etc.

hmm yeh, make her feel like her mum doesn't want her chippingin. that'll help a lot

Lost now. the thread has spread! Night!

Mumofagun, there are other issues with regard to her dad. I have mentioned a couple on this thread but I have also had other threads about what a twunt he is.

Dittany, thanks. You're right he probably is emotionally abusing her because she's always so awful to me when she comes home.

She only sees him maybe once every few months but yes, the supervised contact sounds like a good idea. Would a solicitor be the place to start or is there somewhere else I should go?

His abuse towards me was quite horrific - in terms of mental and physical abuse and also major controlling ways

tequila, i agree with everything dittany has said.
also, i can remember as a child, probably a lot around the same age as your dd, really pushing things with my parents because i needed to know they loved me.
not sure why, i had a relatively stable upbringing, but i did a lot of things like really winding my mum up, refusing to eat, being horrible to everyone- and I think a lot of it was because I needed to prove to myself that my mum still loved me. if I could be horrid and she still turned round and gave me a hug and just showed me that she gave a damn then i would be sated for a while.

she's 11. that's still so young and it sounds like she is dealing with a lot of stuff. i honestly believe that her behaviour is her only way that she knows of expressing how she feels inside. it isn't a great way, and perhaps you can talk to her about that when you're both calmer. but I reckon you can't go too far wrong by just keep letting her know you're there for her and you';ll love her no matter what. which I am absolutely sure you do, bt sometimes it's hard for an 11 yr old to see!

She's being a little brat because she's hungry and tired.
She's hungry and tired because she was allowed out with no tea and no time limit.
Sorry Tequila, I know you didn't want a battle at 5:30, but surely the resulting battle has made it clear that you'd have been better off setting boundaries earlier?
What's done is done, but tomorrow morning I'd be very sweet and loving and explain how sorry you are that you let her out with no tea as it obviously meant she got hungry and tired so from now on she can rest assured that tea will be at X O'clock and you'll eat together as that means you get to chat to her and you won't end up in the same situation.

ChippingIn, thanks. I will make her earn back her TV - I told her to stop kicking the wall a good 4 or 5 times before threatening that if she didn't stop I'd take the TV. She kept going so, I took the TV!

Dittany, no I didnt take offence to you suggesting that. Thank you for sharing your experience with me, I'd never really thought of it like that but hearing how it affected you, I now know that I definitely need to do something.

All is quiet in her bedroom now, although her room is trashed. Looks like another battle tomorrow after school to get her to tidy it all up!

Tequila - well if you'd said that before, my opinion would have been very different.

I don't understand why you are allowing unsupervised contact at all??

If she sees him this rarely and you know he's such an twunt, then you should 'manage' her when she comes home (from SUPERVISED contact). Have something planned for the two of you (so she's not 'available' to play out at tea time/later), do something nice together and have some together, peaceful time... (takeaway/dvd/boardgame whatever her idea of a nice time is).

Mind you, you also said you knew she would kick off if you said she couldn't go out... this leads me to think that you have issues you need to sort out with her and that your ex isn't entirely the problem...

thisisyesterday - and treating every 11 year old like a pampered prince/princess whose every strop will get them what they want & bringing them up with a sense of entitlement so that they are totally unaware that other people have needs is why we have the problems we do with teenagers running riot with knives and all the other crap. I wont reply to anything you post re this here though, happy to debate on another thread but don't want to hijack this one).

Plimple - I would definitely talk to her in the morning, if I were Tequila, but I wouldn't be apologising for letting her go out without her tea. She is quite old enough to appreciate that actions have consequences, so I would be telling her firmly and kindly that it is not reasonable to go out with your friends, telling mum that you don't want any tea, then to rock up at 9.30pm proclaiming starvation and demanding a full cooked meal!

I would be setting a definite time for bed on school nights, and telling her that from now on, she'll have to be in at X time on school nights. I would also be saying that I run a home not a restaurant, and that meals are provided at a particular time - if you choose not to eat that meal, then you may get the option of something simple later on - but that this will not become a regular thing as I'm not going to cook food for it to be wasted.

I would say all this firmly and calmly and without any rancour, but making it clear that her attitude was unacceptable. I would be very clear that I loved her, but not her behaviour.

ChippingIn, no my ex isnt the whole problem, we do have other problems (all stemming from him I may add!) but we are working on those and things were/are getting better.

We had to have our lovely dog put to sleep on Tuesday and DD was devastated. I really thought this was going to put us back a few months with regard to behaviour but actually it's had quite the opposite effect. She's been lovely this week, has been helping me, doing what she's been asked to etc. We have supported each other through what was (and still is) a very sad time. It was just today when I picked her up, I could just tell we were going to have problems tonight.

I am definitely going to look into supervised access though, a few hours with him and my lovely DD has turned into a brat

I don't know why you have to have a battle?
Earlier today you let her have her way.
That lead to her being hungry and tired and making unreasonable demands on you - which she probably thought you'd meet since you gave in to her earlier.
The kicking off could be due to Dad issues or could just be that she's acting like a tired hungry child, which she is.
I'd just say you're sorry she felt the need to trash her room. You really want her to have her TV as you love her and know she likes it, but obviously you're worried it might get broken given the state of her room.
Once it's all tidy and you're assured that there'll be no more room trashing you can't wait to give it back.
She then has the choice to tidy room and apologise and get TV or have a battle.
If she chooses battle e.g. "I want my TV, my Dad wouldn't do this, I hate you, blah". Don't enter into it. State the facts again. You're worried the TV will get broken given her attitude and state of room, once it's all tidy and she's apologised she can have it back. Change subject quickly/leave room/get busy with something.

Dittany, I think you're probably right . I feel awful now.

Will have a talk to her tomorrow and see if I can find out why she's being like this.

Plimple, she probably will choose the battle again tomorrow and knowing her Dad as I do, it is probably to do with him. But I will give her the TV back and help her with her room

Dittany - she wasn't 'persuaded' out - she was invited out. Tequila said they'd probably already had their dinner - why would they assume TequilaJnr hadn't had hers - they are hardly 'not taking proper care of her and not feeding her properly'. It's not going to kill an 11 year old not to have her tea occasionally.

I'm sorry you had such a crap childhood

Tequila - I feel like I'm on a see-saw, it's abit AIBU by stealth! But I know you didn't mean it that way (quite hard to get everything in an OP sometimes!). Adding the loss of your Dog (sorry ) into the equation as well... no wonder she's feeling proper shite.... poor kid - so I agree with stayingsunnygirl

Tomorrow's another day x

Think in addition to what plimple said about stating the facts it would be good to make some time to listen to what dd has to say-why does she think she behaved this way? Interesting that she didn't take the time for tea OR to talk about her day-which is something we usually do during evening meal. Probably she had a lot to digest, so to speak. With this age I found it really helpful to just repeat everything they said back-"I hate you"-"You hate me"-"I want a cooked meal"-"You want a cooked meal". It was really helpful-they knew they were being heard-which, a lot of time, was all they needed to change their tune.

Tea aside, at 11 she should be in bed at 9.30pm, she is a child.

ChippingIn and Dittany, thank you.

No she wasn't persuaded out, she asked could she go to the park and as it was a nice night, I agreed. Not realising they would be as late as they were!

Anyway, we've tidied her room up tonight. Most of it, anyway! She had tea at 5.30pm and is now playing out with her friends until 7.30pm when she will come in for a shower etc.

I spoke to her about her attitude etc. last night and she agrees with me that she was wrong. She apologised and said that she was just tired and still upset about the dog. So I left it that.

A completely different little girl today!

I think it would be good to talk to her about her Dad when you can, without it seeming too much of a 'talk'. See if you think the visits do need to be supervised, see if you can work out what is upsetting her equilibrium when she is with him.

x

totally agree with dittany. I would not allow a man who has a history of abuse like that, to see my child unsupervised. Do go via a solicitor; they'll recommend a contact centre, I used to work in one and they can be very nice places.

I just wanted to add that I think your dd has clearly worked out that her dad never bothers with her etc; you were saying you couldn't wait for that day. Well i think it's already here. I don't think when that day comes you get a little girl who says "oh mummy I don't want to see daddy any more because he's somewhat unreliable", you get an angry little girl with dwindling self esteem who acts out over little things like dinner and trashes her room

I think you are a star for being so open to ideas on this thread, do keep going for your dd's sake on the supervised contact idea. It really, really will be worth it for your little girl in the end IMO