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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my ex H to respect my DCs love for DP & want to call them both Dad?

96 replies

mistressmiggins · 17/06/2009 18:56

Well DD who is just 5 does....she calls DP daddy most of the time now and I have explained to DS (7) that this is ok. DP has the daddy role & does all the daddy things so if DD wants to call him daddy thats ok. She obviously still calls my exH daddy - no question there.

DS has just come back from Beavers & told his dad on the phone that he has bought him a father's day card with exH DP and that he has just made one for my DP. Obviously exH is probably hurt but that is life. He left. He lives 3 hrs away so cant do the day-to-day stuff. He CHOOSES to live so far away so that he lives near work. Both I & DP commute so I feel if he was that bothered, he could move nearer to us & commute too.

ExH is ringing me back when kids are in bed & I suspect that DD has told him she is calling DP daddy, and he is probably going to have a go.

I dont say anthing negative about him or his DP (who he had an affair with & left me when kids were 17mths & 3) so I expect him to put up with the name thing to help the kids. Its only a name - how can he get annoyed with that when he seems perfectly happy with DP doing his daily duties?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/06/2009 18:57

YANBU, especially considering what a twonk he was and HE was the reason the marriage split in the first place.

NormaSknockers · 17/06/2009 19:01

YANBU, anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy, which clearly your DP is doing so it's only natural that your DC would want to call him Daddy.

Your exH will just have to except it!

Boys2mam · 17/06/2009 19:02

Oh my, I have the same scenario with my DS, DP and exH.

I shall watch with interest

slowreadingprogress · 17/06/2009 19:07

I'd say just keep really calm. I think accept that, no matter how illogical this may seem to you in view of your ex's life choices, he will still probably be very stung by hearing another man called dad. In his mind no doubt he is the perfect dad and 'didn't leave his kids, just his wife' etc etc. Maybe bearing that in mind will help you not to get riled if he's having a go.

You don't need to justify yourself, or the kids' actions, to him - just say that this is what dd has decided herself and does not affect her or ds' relationship with him (your ex)

use the broken record technique on him if he has a go - just politely repeat until he gets it

good luck, don't let him browbeat you!

AnitaBlake · 17/06/2009 19:12

How would you feel if your ex's new girlfriend was being called mummy? Just a thought!

Morloth · 17/06/2009 19:15

Do you mind if they call his girlfriend Mummy?

bigchris · 17/06/2009 19:17

no matter what the circumstances I would be devastatd if my kids called anyone but me mummy

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 17/06/2009 19:18

Hmmmmm. I know nothing about the circumstances of your split or the ins and outs of your ex's relationship with the DCs, but in isolation I would say it's a bit unreasonable to expect him to be ok with it. Unless he has done something truly unforgivable to them other than leave the marriage, then he is still their Daddy and will be hurt to feel replaced.

Could the DCs not find another name for your DP that shows their love for him, but doesn't tread on any toes? Call him Daddy for example, to differentiate him?

As I say, I know nothing of your ex or your circumstances, so happy to be corrected if you feel he has forfeited the right to be their Daddy.

Paolosgirl · 17/06/2009 19:19

It's a tricky one. If your DD wants to call your DP 'daddy' then it seems cruel to forbid it. As the others have said, if your dd wanted to call the GF 'mummy', how would you feel?

Could you suggest that she calls your ex 'daddy' and your dp 'daddy his-first-name'?

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 17/06/2009 19:19

I am going to calmly explain that it is her choice but doesnt affect her relationship with him.
Like I said, it doesnt bother him enough to move nearer and take a more active role.

AnitaBlake - its not a new GF - my exH was having an affair with his GF and after a few weeks of finding out, I asked him to leave - he went str to her.
I doubt the children will ever call her mummy but they do tell me she is their step mum which I have to accept. She only sees them once a month so they dont have the same respect as they do for my DP who lives with us. He does all the aspects of parenting including picking up from school once a week.

I suspect that DD is sensitive to other "daddys" picking up & wants to be one of the crowd when DP picks her up. We have never pushed her into calling him anything other than "DP" but she has suddenly started calling him daddy.

OP posts:
idranktheteaatwork · 17/06/2009 19:20

YABcompletelyU.
Your ex husband does not lose the daddy role because he lives far away and does not see the children daily.
That is what happens when people split up.
When your children have contact with your ex are you less of a mum because you don't see them daily??

Ninkynork · 17/06/2009 19:22

Also watching. ExH hasn't bothered to come and see DD for seven years since she was two yet every year his Mum buys a card for him to send and he insists on scrawling, "Love from Daddy" on it, which confuses her as DH is her Dadddy.

If I had pissed off, DD would have every right to call her biological father's GF Mummy if she lived with them IMO. Then again I am unconcerned about biological ties as I am adopted and whilst grateful to the people who brought me into being and made a difficult choice in that respect, just not interested. They are not my parents.

TheFallenMadonna · 17/06/2009 19:22

Is it necessary to have the name - and you refer to it as 'only a name' in your OP? My DC call my mum's partner by his first name, but he is absolutely a grandfather to them in every way. Were they to refer to him as "Grandad", I do think my Dad would be upset, although he has no problem with his role in their life. To my DC it makes no difference at all to their love for or their relationship with him.

sassy · 17/06/2009 19:22

YANBU by the way

idranktheteaatwork · 17/06/2009 19:23

So what if he was having an affair, the issues between the two of you are irrelevent now.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 17/06/2009 19:24

I could suggest she calls him "daddy DP" but in her eyes, he is daddy in this house. She never calls exH by his name so are we not projecting OUR feelings onto a child?
Its not her fault that her biological dad doesnt live with her and she is lucky to have DP who loves her like his own AND have her dad who takes her out or stays at his house. She actually thinks she is lucky to have 2 daddies so why not call them both daddy?

OP posts:
AnitaBlake · 17/06/2009 19:24

Also I don't understand how calling your DP daddy helps the kids? We had a nickname for our stepdad as we saw daddy as an insulting term to use due to the way my father acted. We considered him way above 'dad' status. He is the daddy and lives away to earn money (which I assume he contributes to the childrens well-being) and even if he didn't your new DP is not their daddy, sorry thats life, you shouldn't be encouraging this.

What happens if you and DP split? Will they get a third daddy?

idranktheteaatwork · 17/06/2009 19:24

Ninkynork, your situation is different, your dc doesn't have contact with her bio father.

Lizzylou · 17/06/2009 19:25

Um, crikey
YANBU
My DB is in the same situation, his fiancee's little girl was about 1yrs old when they started dating, now at 2.5yrs old she has been calling my brother "Daddy" for ages. He lives with her, bathes her, comforts her, does his share of the childcare so he is, to her her Daddy. Her real Father sees her far less and seems to be fading further into the background.
If your DC want to call your DP "Daddy" I would suggest that he stops berating you and wonders why?

idranktheteaatwork · 17/06/2009 19:26

You should be suggesting your dd calls your partner by his name, not encouraging her to call him daddy.
He is not her daddy, he is your partner and someone who cares for her but that does not make him her daddy. She already has one.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 17/06/2009 19:27

So is the issue that he is still in contact albeit not very often?
My gut feeling is that IF he was more involved, DD wouldnt have thought about calling DP daddy.

I agree the affair is irrelevant, my reference to it was because someone called her "his new gf"

OP posts:
Ninkynork · 17/06/2009 19:28

Yes idrank, I wasn't replying to your post, I agree - different situations

Morloth · 17/06/2009 19:28

Of course none of it is her fault, but I do think YABU to let this continue. Ex obviously has a problem with it and he is going to cause stress. I would find an alternative, your DP isn't her daddy even if he wishes he was (and she does to).

There are other terms of endearment available which are not quite so loaded.

StewieGriffinsMom · 17/06/2009 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GypsyMoth · 17/06/2009 19:29

well it's done now. How long has she been calling him daddy for? Probably difficult for her to revert to just calling him by his name.

How does dp feel about it?

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