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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my ex H to respect my DCs love for DP & want to call them both Dad?

96 replies

mistressmiggins · 17/06/2009 18:56

Well DD who is just 5 does....she calls DP daddy most of the time now and I have explained to DS (7) that this is ok. DP has the daddy role & does all the daddy things so if DD wants to call him daddy thats ok. She obviously still calls my exH daddy - no question there.

DS has just come back from Beavers & told his dad on the phone that he has bought him a father's day card with exH DP and that he has just made one for my DP. Obviously exH is probably hurt but that is life. He left. He lives 3 hrs away so cant do the day-to-day stuff. He CHOOSES to live so far away so that he lives near work. Both I & DP commute so I feel if he was that bothered, he could move nearer to us & commute too.

ExH is ringing me back when kids are in bed & I suspect that DD has told him she is calling DP daddy, and he is probably going to have a go.

I dont say anthing negative about him or his DP (who he had an affair with & left me when kids were 17mths & 3) so I expect him to put up with the name thing to help the kids. Its only a name - how can he get annoyed with that when he seems perfectly happy with DP doing his daily duties?

OP posts:

Nahui · 17/06/2009 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

macdoodle · 17/06/2009 22:26

6inch - different situation entirely!

SlartyBartFast · 17/06/2009 22:27

6inch may be a different story but it is a quandry itself

msdevine · 17/06/2009 22:29

my sister has a ds who sees his dad every fortnight she is engaged to her dp they have a child together he has started to call her dp daddy....and why the hell not???

Her dp does all the stuff like you said OP that his dad should have done had he not been such an asshole. Her dp bought the house they live in, takes him to nursery, takes them on holidays loves hime baths him puts him to bed at night .......must i go on.

All those things is what a daddy is and i know sooooo many friends that grew up calling two parents daddy they are fine.

I dont see the harm i think if you were happy with it before ignore all the negative comments. At the end of the day its your dd you know her and your situation.

xxx

FiveGoMadInDorset · 17/06/2009 22:32

I wouldn't encourage it as she has contact with her father, I have half brothers and sisters who call my mother by her name even though she has been in their loves for over 40 years and their stepfather by his name.

BeehiveBaby · 17/06/2009 22:43

IME, if you allow or encourage 'Daddy ' for DP, it ends up the same for exH which can be more upsetting. My DH visably flinches when his Ex refers to him as that.

I think that the most important thing is to avoid tippy-toeing for DCs, ie when people have to have differnt names in different houses. If both men aren't completely comfortable with plain old daddy for both, IMHO Daddy and DP's name is the best way to go.

I am a step daughter/ sister and mother. My father is very much my step sisters' father but being called by his name in no way devalues this. My DSD has changed her name to match her mum and little brother and calls her step dad 'dad'. This has been very painful for DH and I see the stress on her face when she has to be careful to use 'first name' in front of us.

MamaMaiasaura · 17/06/2009 22:48

Yanbu - ds1 was 8 when he started calling my dp daddy. He sees he biological dad every other week and loves him very very much.

Ds asked if it was ok to call dp daddy and we supported him in this. Exp was not happy and told ds1 he wasnt to call dp daddy. I explained to ds1 that it is what he feels happy with not us or his dad. So he has continued. It isnt about replacing ex-p but dp fulfils a parental role to ds1 and as he is ds2's daddy ds1 wants to call him daddy too.

Also my own dad is actually my step dad and they only married when i was 21 (my own dad died when i was 16) and to me he is dad. Dont care about the biology of it. It is the actions he takes that make him a father.

MamaMaiasaura · 17/06/2009 22:50

At the end of the day society is full of fragmented familys and imo if there are adults fulfilling a parental role then that is great. If the dc want to refer to them as 'daddy' or 'mummy' then that is fine. I have said to ds1 i am ok if he wanted to call my ex-p's other half mum as she fulfils that role when he is there. He doesnt want to, his choice. I can say thought that if he did I would not feel threatened by it.

6inchnipples · 17/06/2009 22:52

a quandry why is that slarty ???

6inchnipples · 17/06/2009 23:00

personally i just let the kids take the lead.
I know lots of people who have step parents that they call mum or dad.

At the end of the day does it really matter that much as long as the children are loved and happy??

Fayecorgasm · 17/06/2009 23:12

2 weeks after my dds father walked out, he told me he wouldn't mind if she called another man daddy in the future. Some men simply do not deserve to have a child call them "daddy".

Perfectgangofthree · 17/06/2009 23:17

YABU and rather cruel

ChippingIn · 18/06/2009 01:28

YANBU and not definitely not cruel( [humm])

She's little, she wants to be like the other children, your DP loves her, makes her happy and secure - doing all the Daddy things - if she wants to call him Daddy then let her.

Her Father chose to have an affair and he chose to move away and not be a part of her daily life. There is often a price to pay for the choices we make in life and now maybe he will start to realise that. Not in a vindictive way, merely in a consequences way....

However, even if he was the perfect Daddy and you daughter still wanted to call your DP Daddy as well I would let her. After all, she has instigated this and clearly wants/needs this... let her.

Tell your ex that it is your daughters choice, she sees your DP parenting her, not visiting her, and this is what she wants/needs. Sometimes you just have to be the adult and suck it up - especially when you were the one who screwed it up.

macdoodle · 18/06/2009 06:02

really not sure this is about "punishing" the other parent
Trust me I could be bitter twisted and angry with my XH forever, not sure this is best for me or my DC!
This just doesnt sit right with me for some reason but each to their own!

ChippingIn · 18/06/2009 08:33

It's not about punishing him (well, not from my point of view anyway), but about the natural consequences of his behaviour. Irrespective of having an affair, he chose to move away and not be a daily part of her life, the consequence is, she now also wants to call the man who is in her daily life, loving her and making her feel secure, doing the daddy things, Daddy. She's a small child, this is a direct consequence of his behaviour - no punishment involved.

nooka · 18/06/2009 09:04

Sounds like a good recipe for a very unhappy and angry father, which is hardly going to be conducive to good relations all round. I know that the OP's dh was a git (I can remember the threads, having been in a similar situation myself) but you have to think in the long term with children, and research shows that a good relationship with both parents really does matter (where it is possible and there are no abuse or other seriously damaging issues).

I also think that it would probably be better for both children to be using the same name on the whole. Maybe talk to your ds about his feelings - you risk putting (or allowing) your children in a very awkward position. What about a daddy alternative? (like Papa, or Pop).

My mother never picked up a Granny name, because she was too picky about what she might like to be called. So she has stayed as Mama to her grandchildren, which meant that none of us could use it, I know that my sister would have liked to, and it has caused problems and confusion. And that's with someone I love, and I bet your ex doesn't love your DP.

Extra grandparents don't seem to cause the same problems (and Uncle and Aunt are rarely used now) except where the in between child is upset by it (like if I call FIL and partner dh's parents he gets incredibly upset, as his mother died over ten years ago, and the partner is very much just that, despite their many years together).

Perfectgangofthree · 18/06/2009 10:17

Our DD is adopted so we are mummy and daddy in both the legal and emotional sense. DD has never known, nor sadly ever will, her birth parents. And I think therein lies the important distinction. It isn't just about fulfilling the role of daddy (which OP's DP is doing) it is the presence of the man who is her DC's biologicial and legal father in their lives. He hasn't turned his back on them, he still has contact with them and plays a parental role albeit not a day-to-day one. Therefore no matter how much DP does for the kids he can't be their daddy because they have one and IMHO a child can't have two daddies.

Stigaloid · 18/06/2009 10:25

I think you are being a teensy bit U and this is probably due to the hurst you still feel at being cheated on and kicking your exH out. You don't lose the role of being daddy because you no longer live at home. They have a father, he sees them and whist he doesn't live near and doesn't do day to day things that doesn't make him less of a father. Your DP should be step-dad. Just as his DP is step-mum. You can't stop kids calling people what they call them, but if he started encouraging them to call his DP mum i am sure you would feel a little hurt too.

DrunkenDaisy · 18/06/2009 10:34

I think YAB a bit U.

I was in this situation a few years ago because my DD who was about 5 then, wanted to call my new DP Daddy. In then end i felt it was inappropriate, so we asked her to choose a nick-name for DP. Hilariously she suggested 'Grandpa' at first, but finally she settled on just calling him his name.

bethoo · 18/06/2009 10:37

YANBU

katiestar · 18/06/2009 12:11

YABU. How would you like it it if in the future they go to live with their dad and call his new partner 'mum'.
I agree with the 'Dad DP' for your DP and daddy for their real dad.

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