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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my ex H to respect my DCs love for DP & want to call them both Dad?

96 replies

mistressmiggins · 17/06/2009 18:56

Well DD who is just 5 does....she calls DP daddy most of the time now and I have explained to DS (7) that this is ok. DP has the daddy role & does all the daddy things so if DD wants to call him daddy thats ok. She obviously still calls my exH daddy - no question there.

DS has just come back from Beavers & told his dad on the phone that he has bought him a father's day card with exH DP and that he has just made one for my DP. Obviously exH is probably hurt but that is life. He left. He lives 3 hrs away so cant do the day-to-day stuff. He CHOOSES to live so far away so that he lives near work. Both I & DP commute so I feel if he was that bothered, he could move nearer to us & commute too.

ExH is ringing me back when kids are in bed & I suspect that DD has told him she is calling DP daddy, and he is probably going to have a go.

I dont say anthing negative about him or his DP (who he had an affair with & left me when kids were 17mths & 3) so I expect him to put up with the name thing to help the kids. Its only a name - how can he get annoyed with that when he seems perfectly happy with DP doing his daily duties?

OP posts:
Boys2mam · 17/06/2009 20:06

Thanks Shineone (my name rocks!!!)... I know I kinda hijacked Mistress' OP but it mirrors my own 100%...

I completely agree that its UR to call anyone but the father Daddy in the situation described but when the child instigates it its hard to know how to deter them. I know the child needs the adult to take control but just trying to decide whats 'right' is fecking hard at times.

I completely disagree with the "how would you feel if kids called ex-h P 'Mummy'" - she isn't undertaking the day to day role so its not a fair parallel.

alurkerspeaks · 17/06/2009 20:07

Sorry, I think YABU.

Your XH left you. He did not abdicate his relationship with his children (the fact that he still sees them is proof of this). The geography is irrelevant.

Your new partner is NOT your childrens father. Yes, they can have a special and loving relationship with him but I feel they should not call him 'Daddy'. By all means give him a special name and tell your children how special he is but 'Daddy' as a moniker belongs to their biological Father and this must be tremendously hurtful for him. I am quite sure you would hate it if 1) your XH new partner got to spend masses more time with them than you do
and 2) they called her Mummy. He may have hurt your dreadfully but show some compassion because it is things like this that will help your children maintain a long term relationship with their biological Father which is surely beneficial for them in the long run.

I am not personally from a blended family but my cousins (to whom I am very close are, their situation sounds like it was similar - father left after an affair and their mothers partner appeared when they were similar ages to your kids). They have never ever over the intervening 30 years called their mothers new partner Daddy despite the fact that they have a very close and loving relationsip. He is always referred to by his First name (by my sibs and I too - he does't even get Uncle - poor chap). However their children do call him Grandpa.

Sorry this is long.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 17/06/2009 20:10

ok its not 100% of the time so maybe I will be able to explain to her its not fair on daddy and she can choose a pet name for him.
I will explain to exH that maybe he needs to look at his actions as to why she feels the need.

I dont think that we are being unfair and still maintain that it's not her fault - she doesnt want to be odd one out - she wants to shout "daddy" in the playground which will never happen.

DS thinks he has 4 sets of grandparents - should I point this out to be wrong too? I also may be old fashioned but would prefer them not to call older people by their christian names.

at least its been a healthy debate - I was dreading getting shouted down by some people

OP posts:
nkf · 17/06/2009 20:12

If my five year old was calling another woman "Mummy" I think it would just about break my heart. So I can understand his distress. But it's your daughter's choice and it obviously makes sense to her. So I think it's her decision he has to respect rather than yours. She may end up calling your DP something else later in life.

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 17/06/2009 20:13

alukerspeaks - thats really intgeresting cos my brothers children have asked to call DP uncle but we dont know what to say as my DCS (upto recently) were calling him by his name

God its so hard being a blended family.
FWIW I am trying really hard to respect my exH but equally I respect my DP for taking on me & my 2 young children.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 17/06/2009 20:19

I do understand MM I really do being in a very simialr situation, my DD2 is much younger and automatically started calling DP daddy, as much as I despise my XH and as badly as he treated me and the DC, I really just couldnt let her do it, it doesnt seem the right thing to me (and no matter how they behave I do believe we have to do the right thing)!
I think it is NOT the childs choice, not at 5 not at 1 - I just kept correcting DD2 and she suddenly started calling him a very seeet very childish shortened version of his name, DD1 (who is nearly 8) picked it up very quickly and its stuck, and its very endearig - it gives him a special place without usurping their natural father!

Syb · 17/06/2009 20:33

I was a step-child, and now am a step mum, and alway use first names for step parents and titles for birth parents. Labels are important, and however much a disaster DSC's mum is (and she is) she's still their mum. I do all the parenting, but I'm not Mum.

However, not sure that YABU, it doesn't sound like your DC's could remember a time when the Ex-h actively parented on a daily basis, so in their minds, Dp is "daddy." If they want to call him that, I'm not sure I would stop them.

Ex-h has every right to be upset tho, and YABU to expect him to accept it. He's going to be angry. Maybe you tell him that you understand why he's upset, agree that he has a right to be, but that for the wellbeing of the kids, they should be able to choose themselves. Maybe its just a phase,and things will change. It might prompt him to be more active!?

SlartyBartFast · 17/06/2009 20:38

i don't agree,
i had step parents.
i called them by their first names.
the parents were mummy and daddy - it would have been far too hurtful to my parents.
i saw my dad fortnightly

Syb · 17/06/2009 20:39

As for the grandparents, biologically we get more than one, so I don't think its a big deal to add extras, plus theres lots of different titles to choose from, gran, nanny, grandma, nana etc, so everybody just picks one thats theirs alone. (I think. Its all so complicated)

SlartyBartFast · 17/06/2009 20:40

it was the op i wasnt agree with btw

Syb · 17/06/2009 20:44

Slarty, I do agree with you, thats how I did it with my parents, and with my step kids, for the same reasons as you.

I just think the Ops position is a bit complicated, and her kids a bit young to understand what hurts adults.

there should be a handbook!

Boys2mam · 17/06/2009 20:50

By SlartyBartFast on Wed 17-Jun-09 20:38:54
i don't agree,
i had step parents.
i called them by their first names.
the parents were mummy and daddy - it would have been far too hurtful to my parents.
i saw my dad fortnightly

the parents were mummy and daddy - perhaps there were ishoos there?

thirtysomething · 17/06/2009 20:55

to add another perspective I was forbidden from calling my stepdad "Dad" as my Mum thought my actual Dad would kick up a huge stink. It has seriously affected a lot of things for me - I totally consider my Stepdad as my proper dad now - he brought me up and my actual Dad is, quite frankly, a tosser who has not been part of my life. Yet because I never calld stepdad my dad, my kids are confused over what to call him and it's always felt like a big distance between us. makes father's day a minefield too. i so wanted him to be my dad and it always hurt that he couldn't be called that. I now resent my Mum for imposing the rule as well.

So I would say think very carefully and try to look at this from your children's point of view above all else.

Noonki · 17/06/2009 21:05

sorry yabvu.

As a parent your job is to make your children as happy and settled as possible.

One of the ways of achieveing this is to aim for as a civil relationship between you and their father.

it is obvious that this is already strained and are very likely to be adding to this.

you need all of the 'parents' to get on as well as possible (not easy I know, i'm a stepmum).

This is likely to make your ex feel insecure and more distant from his daughter and possibly even resentful. Even if rationally he knows he shouldn't.

I used to find myself getting jealous that DSS was so much closer to his mum, even though I knew this was a good thing.

Jealousy is a strong and destructive emotion.

So I would seriuosly reconsider this decision.

It is important for girls to have a good relationship with their father.

Heated · 17/06/2009 21:08

Imo be led by your child. If she wants to call him Dad because he's there every day to do the Dad stuff with and he's happy to be her Dad then so be it. It would be heartbreaking to tell her she couldn't. It's something she's worked out for herself, all the adults who love & care for her need to accept why she feels this need.

And it doesn't stop her bio Dad being Dad either. It's perfectly possible to have two Dads and call them such - my SILs have 2 Dads, their bio dad who they saw intermittently but who they have forged a close bond with in adulthood and their step-father who bought them up. Both Dads gave them away at the weddings.

LupusinaLlamasuit · 17/06/2009 21:18

I think what matters most here is what the kids need, not what the adults need.

You and your current DP should not be encouraging the use of 'daddy' until your child is old enough to really understand the complexities of the situation whether or not you or he want him to have this title.

And your ex can be blamed and have to face the consequences for lots of things, but not still loving his children.

Are you sure you're not silently condoning this 'choice' of your daughter's because you know it might hurt him? I don't know anything about the situation so not trying to be offensive at all, but I do wonder where she got the idea from.

But I also speak as someone from a blended family with a dearly loved stepfather who had to 'earn' his belonging and trust after a long time. I often describe him as my dad (even though I have two) and had things been only slightly different, might well have ended up calling him dad. Lots of stepchildren do, it isn't a bad choice. But I think it needs more time than perhaps you have all given it.

macdoodle · 17/06/2009 21:29

Me again this thread is weighing on my mind
MM how long have you and DP been together, am assuming he lives with you?? How long have you and XH been seperated, how old were the Dc when DP moved in?
These all may be relevant, I think the important thing is this is not done because you still want to "punish" XH in some way even subconsciously!

Oh and how does DP feel about being called dad, think my DP was secretly flattered but alsoa bit freaked out!

Noonki · 17/06/2009 21:31

I just asked DH how he would feel if DSS had called his lovely step-dad, daddy and he said even though he respects him (now!) that he would be mortified and very hurt.

moodylou · 17/06/2009 21:33

YANBU

My DS was 4 when he announced he wanted to call DH dad and not by his name. He calls exH daddy and is very clear that there is a distinction between the two. If anyone calls DH his daddy then DS is quick to explain that he is not and that he has a dad and a daddy.

ExH is okay with this as he said it's reassuring to know that DS is happy living with my DH.

I made sure that i explained to exH that it was DS's decision. I also said that if he was uncomfortable with this then he would need to talk to DS and explain why he couldn't call DH dad as i didn't have a problem with it.

I know that exH finds it difficult hearing DH referred to as dad sometimes but this has led to him trying to play a more active role in DS's life which is a good thing.

MM - maybe this will make your ex look at his relationship with DCs and see that there is more to being a daddy than just biology.

6inchnipples · 17/06/2009 21:46

My ds occasionally calls dp 'daddy' despite having his own real daddy in his life.
Dp and i have 2 dc and they are all quite close in age (split up with exH when ds a little baby)
Dp been in ds life since 8 mnths.
Ds hears the other 2 calling dp daddy and so sometimes copies them, should i be correcting him???

How would that go?? Tom, Dick and Harry 'daddy is home, daddy daddy daddy!' as they run to greet him... 'No Tom, he's not your daddy'

ib · 17/06/2009 21:47

I love my stepd to bits and in many ways he was more of a father than dad but this feels totally wrong to me.

Fortunately sd never wanted us to call him Daddy as he had a dd from a previous relationship and he would have hated it if she had called anyone else Daddy.

SlartyBartFast · 17/06/2009 22:01

just saw a response to my garbled thread,
find it hard to type in a room full - well that was my excuse

no issues

Noonki · 17/06/2009 22:07

god it's complex!

TheLadyEvenstar · 17/06/2009 22:14

Ok kind of the same although slightly different situation.

I split with ds1's Father when ds1 was 22m old. I encouraged visits etc yet when ds1 was 3-3 1/2 he turned to me and said

"I don't want to call him daddy anymore I am going to call him Ben"
I far from encouraged this explaining that even though we did not all live together he was still his daddy. However ds1 is now 10 and still refuses to call him dad, for the last 3 1/2 years he has said "He is my father the man that made me but my daddy lives with me"

However if he was actively in his life I am not sure I would be happy with him calling dp daddy, as it stands his Father has had no contact bar on visit since ds1 was 7 and he will be 11 in July.

Quattrocento · 17/06/2009 22:14

Could they not have a different affectionate name for your DP? Other than his first name and other than Daddy?