to expect my ex H to respect my DCs love for DP & want to call them both Dad?

[mistressmiggins]

Well DD who is just 5 does....she calls DP daddy most of the time now and I have explained to DS (7) that this is ok. DP has the daddy role & does all the daddy things so if DD wants to call him daddy thats ok. She obviously still calls my exH daddy - no question there.

DS has just come back from Beavers & told his dad on the phone that he has bought him a father's day card with exH DP and that he has just made one for my DP. Obviously exH is probably hurt but that is life. He left. He lives 3 hrs away so cant do the day-to-day stuff. He CHOOSES to live so far away so that he lives near work. Both I & DP commute so I feel if he was that bothered, he could move nearer to us & commute too.

ExH is ringing me back when kids are in bed & I suspect that DD has told him she is calling DP daddy, and he is probably going to have a go.

I dont say anthing negative about him or his DP (who he had an affair with & left me when kids were 17mths & 3) so I expect him to put up with the name thing to help the kids. Its only a name - how can he get annoyed with that when he seems perfectly happy with DP doing his daily duties?

thanks for replies - its useful to get both perspectives as its obviously an emotional subject.

I do feel the people who think I am being unreasonable have been part of a step family which may give a different perspective on things.

lizzylou - I agree that exH should be looking to himself rather than worrying about a name.

DS doesnt call him daddy alrthough tells me he has the daddy role at home which he does.

as for if we split up, if you spend your life worrying about that, you would never move on. I went through all that worry b4 getting serious with DP (who by the way is the ONLY person I have dated since exH left so my children havent had loads of uncles and we took things very slowly for just that reason)

Yes, if he is still a figure in her life, and she still sees him then yes, he is her daddy - and regardless of what you think of him, he still holds that title!

I'd go with daddy a 10 year old probably won't - and suggest that he might want to rethink access and visits if he wants to avoid that situation.

I think for me (and this is my opinion only) the issue would be that children need us to take the lead in difficult situations and be very clear with them. By not explaining to DD that her Daddy is your ex and your DP is very special but is not her Daddy, I think you run the risk of confusing her relationships with both men, and devaluing the relationship she has with her father by allowing it to be replaced.

Your issues with his level of effort and contact are separate, you run the risk of the DCs not valuing that relationship which would be sad.

By making it clear that DP is very very special and is as good as a Daddy by giving him a special name, you can make it clear that he is important but that their biological Daddy is also very important and should not be sidelined, iyswim?

Look, in my experience, your dd is calling your partner daddy at the moment to fit in, as she is at school and she does see a lot of kids with their dads there.It's not because your ex lives far away and has contact once a month.My dd went through the same sort of thing when she started yr 1 and began to tell people my partner was her dad.
It was a different situation in one way because she has no contact with her father at all, but the reasons for her doing it were the same if you see what i mean.
Now, she does call him daddy, but he is her legal guardian now, we went through a solicitor etc etc. and that only happened this year, she is nearly 9 now.
You need to be explaining to her that not all families are the same, some daddies don't live with their children etc etc.
Your ex is hurt and probably furious because he is being sidelined as a parent.
It sounds like he was a twunt to you but that doesn't mean he loves his children any less.
Re read your title and then change it so that it reads ex-wife instead of ex-husband.

Shine on, I was hoping you'd show up

...I always respect your opinions and would be interested to hear how you would explain to the child if they started calling DP "Daddy" (with no encouragement) that they shouldn't?

sorry think YABU!
And I have been in similar situation - XH had affair, got OW pregant and finally left - DD's were 6 and 1ish!
I cant imagine them calling DP daddy and TBH I wouldnt like it much - it is still early days but I cant imagine it in the future no matter what he does - and yes their father is a twat but he is their father!

It's a toughie but from my clear recollection of this story, MM's dh treated her and the children like shit.

Good to see you posting MM and to know that you have a lovely man on the scene.Iwas actually thinking about how you were getting on only yesterday.

I don't really approve TBH

Agree with others who have said that ex is their Daddy, not new DP. I would suggest yoiur DC find a special name for your DP

Not the same, but after my Dad died my Mum remarried. It would upset me if my DC called him Grandad even though he's great with them and is the only man my two youngest have ever known (dad died before DSs were born). He's called Derek and the children call hm "Dek" - they made it up, he loves it as only they call him it and everybody's happy

I think you would be very upset if your DC called another woman Mummy, I know I would be

(I'm not from a step family btw)

Eeek, a few x posts there, sorry to hijack mistress, but you could have posted your question for me x

There is a simple way to solve it-if your EX gets a new partner would you be happpy if your DC called her 'mummy'? If you would be happy then go ahead with DP as 'daddy'. If you wouldn't like it, then call DP by his name. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Oh you are so not being unreasonable, yes your ex is and always be their father, but he gave up the daddy rights when he walked out and left another man to raise his children

I'm from a divorced background although I was 10, so I never called either step-parent Mom or Dad, but they both now get called Grandad (before Mom got divorced) and Nanny.
I called my Step-Grandad, Grandad, and it didn't confuse me.
It is a toughie, but I think that if your DC have chosen to do this then it is pretty darn hard to revert back.

My mother threw a fit when I called foster parents mum and dad. she couldn't stand it at all, she should have been happy for me that I was happy.

YABU its not 'just a name'
You do realise your ex and his partner may now encourage the children to call his partner mum and you will have to accept it, i wonder if you will still see it as just being a name.

The difficulty is that she started calling him daddy occasionally so it was just a case of ignoring it really rather than actively drawing attention to it.

Its hard and i want to do the right thing which is why I posted here rather than undering parenting or step parenting.

exH hasnt rung back to talk it through so perhaps it wasnt that important after all

I also know several people with step fathers and their children call them grandad rather than their name which is probably why it didnt seem odd.
I have asked people in RL and noone has been negative but perhaps they dont feel they can be honest.

I will consider all the POVs.

Don't agree with it...not when their Dad is still a part of their lives...and the fact that he had an affair is irrelevant as is the geography.

Would you be happy for them to call their stepmum 'Mummy'?

I know there is no way I would want my DD calling another woman mummy, so on that alome I would have to say YABU.

I think regardless of how badly your ex-H acted he is still their father and I can understand why he is hurt that they are calling your DP Daddy. I think YABU. By all means let them find a nice, special name for your DP to indicate their affection, but he is NOT their dad and it's unfair on their real one to let them call him by that name.

sleepyeyes...if my DCS called OW "mummy" it would be forced. My exH comes to visit on his own - she cant be bothered so their relationship is more polite than anything else.
BUT if they want to do that, I will lump it cos deep down I know that DP & I are the parents - we're the ones that do the school runs, dr appointments, parties, ballet etc. We dont go on holiday without the children whereas exH & GF always have at least 1 foreign holiday without the kids.

Would like to add I am a step family as DH1 and I are separated and I have a new DP (DH1 and I have 2 children) our children call my DP by his name (they are older then yours) I would not except them to call DP dad, as their dad is very much in their lives, they are with him everyday and he is a brilliant dad.

They do not call my DPs parents gran or grandad although I do not think anyone would mind if they did.

yab completely unreasonable
would you like your kids calling your ex's partner mummy??

Nope sorry still think its not quite right (bit that is my opininion only) !
And FWIW my XH treated me and my DD's appallingly - he was a crap father when we were together and is only better now because he has to if he wants to stick to the access arrangements!
My DP is lovely and treats us all well, but he isnt their father - they have a lovely nickname for him (just them its not reall suitable for an adult to call him ), and IMO thats far more suitable!
I would be devastated if my DC called anyone else mum, and this isnt about revenge and point calling is it?? When my little DD2 called DP dad a few times, I gently said "no DD2 thats not daddy that XXX" !