To not want my dd (6) to know that some dads don't see their children?

[megapixels]

My dd, in Year 2, has got a book of short stories - and one of them is a chapter from Anne Fine's Crummy Mummy and Me. It's the one where the girl goes looking for her biological dad, whom she has never met until then (she is around 9 I think). AIU to skip that story and ask that the teacher not give her books of the sort in future? Dd was distressed enough when she knew that one of her friends has a step mother when her real mother was alive . I did explain to her about seperated families and that step mothers are not like those portrayed in fairy tales. She seems to have forgotten though as she was recently puzzling over "I went to my dad's" that had been written by someone in the class teddybear diary.

At this age I really don't want her to know that some dads (and mums) don't want to see their children. How do you explain that anyway? It would be different if it had to be discussed with her because of a real situation (eg. a friend at school) but is it so wrong that she thinks that all children live with their mums and dads who love them very much? She has time to learn about the realities of the world in her own time through her own experiences without it being forced on her, isn't it? She's only 6, nearing 7. AIBU?

SGM - I recently found out that there's been a whole serious of affairs going on among parents in one of the YR1 classes as DS2's school - I was

YABU. Lots of DCs have to cope with all sorts of situations that they don't want to, and shouldn't have to cope with-it is life. My DS had to cope with being fatherless, and never knowing his father because he died in an accident. Are you saying that 6 yr olds should think that healthy young men never die? It isn't very fair on those that are in the situation if other 6 yr olds live in a cosy world where it can't happen.

I don't think you are being excessively unreasonable. I let mine read The Boy in the Striped Pjyamas and watch the film, so I don't think they are sheltered.

But I wouldn't want them to read the J Wilson books or the chapter you described, because I think they are morally ambiguous and so not particularly appropriate for this age group.

I would be happy with a gay parent story line because there is no moral ambiguity to that, while there clearly is in a scenario where a parent chooses to have no contact or almost no contact with their child.

Megapixels - if your dd is in yr2 she is definitely old enough to know such things about the real world

She is very fortunate to be in a happy family situation
Not all children are so lucky - it wont do her any harm (in fact I think it would do her good) to learn about how other children live

Yes YABVVVU

yada yada.
it's about context.
just because your 6yo knows about sex, you don't him/ her reading hard core porn, do you? particularly not from the school shelf.

some books are not written for 6yo's. i think that's obvious. if the op thinks that the context of the missing parent or how it is dealt with is not suitable for a 6yo, then so be it. (i haven't read the book in question, but have censored some jw books until i feel the way the subject matter being dealt with is dealt with in age appropriate way for whichever dc)...

it's a different thing entirely to not wanting them to have the facts.

don't want him/ her reading...

Milly I dont really understand your reasoning re the moral thing. (I am being genuine - I know its easy to come across sarky in type)

Does the book in question say its ok or does it explore the affect it has on the child? I am asking because I dont know the book in question.

Attaching moral arguments to things like this are not always helpful anyway. I would not show a book to my DS that said 'If a mummy does not want to see her child she is very bad and its very wrong' IYSWIM.

This would be damaging for him. He would very probably conclude that as there was something bad about his birth mum, there MUST be something bad about him.

I would far rather a book approached this subject in a non judgemental way. This allows the child and carer to explore how they feel about what is happening.

More generally - TBH I would love to shield my son from the fact his b.mum is damaged and unable to put his needs before her own, or that children get ill and die or that daddies get ill.

I could do that technically. I could lie about his adoption, lie about his sister and we could avoid the subject of OH's disability. But how would that help him? How would that prepare him for his life and teach him that life can be ok even when horrible things happen?

I mean - if children who are actually living these lives can cope, surely kids who are only reading about them will survive?

but the op doesn't want her DD to know about this situation at all - the reading in book isn't the chief issue if you read carefully.

FAQ, its a smallish class. I am nosey . Because 2 of the fathers died within a few months there was a lot of talk about peoples families etc as some of the dcs understandably thought it was normal for fathers to suddenly die.

ooodles - I was just wondering as I hardly know what the marital status of my DS's closest friends parents, let alone all 60 children in their respective years .

Still quite possible that circumstances have changed and other parents don't know. Some people firstly didn't know that DH and I split up last March, and some don't yet know that we're now getting back together

I'm sorry, but I am too and lost for words at the OP to read the rest of the thread.

Yes, you are being completely utterly unreasonable.

You are implying that there is something wrong with families that are not two parent biological ones.

Yes it is fucking wrong that she thinks all children live with their mums and dads, it's kids that have parents like you who say insensitive tyihngs to my DS.

I'm sorry, but I am really and now.

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr

FFS

FFS

In this day and age???????

On asking DS2 who was at youth club this week he said so and so such and such and her step sister, I said does not have a step sister, DS2 then informs me in a matter of fact way that dad had left and got a new girlfriend and she had a daughter so now has a step sister, is in DS2class, I had no idea her parents had split, nothing to do with me, DS2 saw it as so everyday, he is 8 by the way

FAQ I do but the year is pretty small and we have a contact sheet which makes it pretty obvious.

not sure how a contact sheet would make things obvious either - given woman keeping their maiden names etc etc (confused one not cynical )

mega how can you explain adoption and fostering to your DD without also explaining that the reason these children need fostering and adopting is because their biological parents can't or wont look after them? What, are you going to pretend to her that they are all orphans?

You should be teaching your DD that families come in all shapes and sizes and dynamics, that there is no one 'normal' family set-up.

"I mean - if children who are actually living these lives can cope, surely kids who are only reading about them will survive? "

Exactly che, really really well put.

Chegirl, I think you probably don't understand because I am not explaining it very well.

I would not stop my children reading these books or complain if they came home from school with them because I think freedom to read something that is not part of your parent's way of thinking is the greatest benefit of learning to read early.

But I would not buy them and bring them into the house. I think there is a morality to everything in life, and the rights and wrongs of fostering, adoption, absent parents and so on are very morally complex. If it was a matter of it being simply bad it would be easy to say so and there wouldn't be a problem.

My children know children who are fostered and adopted, and their cousin is not biologically their cousin, as the birth father is absent and has to a great extent been replaced by my brother. So they know that life isn't some on to the ark 2 by 2 sort of existence, but I don't think reading these kind of books really helps to understand the issues at primary age. And I don't think they do need to attempt to understand all the issues at this age.

Perhaps it is a matter of what the purpose of reading is, and I don't think at this age it is about understanding complex emotional and social situations. I hope that through reading my children attempt to grasp something quite abstract, involving ideals, human history and the natural world and so on. Ordinary contemporary human life is already there for them to see; they don't need to read it in a book.

Millie (and megapixels too) would you not buy Roald Dahl stories too then for the same reasons? Would you shield your child from these stories? What about fairy tales like hansel and gretel or snow white? Cindarella? and numerous other children's stories, books and films?

Ok Milly I understand (I think).

Couldnt disagree more though

How is Hansel and Gretel or any of the others mentioned morally ambiguous? All of the step mothers are evil. It is completely straightforward and so the reverse of the J WIlson books.

millyr - moral ambiguity teaches your children to think for themselves. Why do you want your dcs to read things that represent all step-mothers as evil?

Chegirl, I think I would feel differently if my child was in the situation rather than viewing the situation but not living it. A person in the situation is building self-understanding and identity while other people are building tolerance and empathy (hopefully).

I understand very much the desire to protect our children but agree with the others who say these things are best explained as they come up (through whatever means) by you and not by others.

My ds (5) often asks about my deceased mother - where has she gone?do you miss her? are you going to die as well? etc etc and yes its not easy to handle but thats what parenting is.

As they get older you realise that babies and toddlers are in fact really quite easy - and that primary age is where the real parenting starts in terms of telling them the truth and equipping them with life skills and empathy for others...

curiosity - I didn't choose those book examples - I simply responded to the questioner's choice.

I don't believe moral ambiguity does involve thinking for yourself anymore than moral certainty does. I would want you to defend your statement at a very high academic and philosophical level before I took any notice of it as a way of raising primary age children.

I have to go offline now but will hopefully return later!