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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my dd (6) to know that some dads don't see their children?

313 replies

megapixels · 14/06/2009 10:52

My dd, in Year 2, has got a book of short stories - and one of them is a chapter from Anne Fine's Crummy Mummy and Me. It's the one where the girl goes looking for her biological dad, whom she has never met until then (she is around 9 I think). AIU to skip that story and ask that the teacher not give her books of the sort in future? Dd was distressed enough when she knew that one of her friends has a step mother when her real mother was alive . I did explain to her about seperated families and that step mothers are not like those portrayed in fairy tales. She seems to have forgotten though as she was recently puzzling over "I went to my dad's" that had been written by someone in the class teddybear diary.

At this age I really don't want her to know that some dads (and mums) don't want to see their children. How do you explain that anyway? It would be different if it had to be discussed with her because of a real situation (eg. a friend at school) but is it so wrong that she thinks that all children live with their mums and dads who love them very much? She has time to learn about the realities of the world in her own time through her own experiences without it being forced on her, isn't it? She's only 6, nearing 7. AIBU?

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 14/06/2009 11:14

YABVU.

What sort of a grounding are you giving your children if you don't teach them to accept everyone on their own merit? People and families are all different - this isn't a bad thing

I'd like to think that you're being like this out of over-protectiveness - but this one of her friends has a step mother when her real mother was alive makes me think differently.

FenellaFudge · 14/06/2009 11:14

Not sure whether yabu or not. But certainly recognise the distinction between hiding from your DD that there are different types of families and shielding her from the knowledge that some mums and dads leave their kids without a backwards glance.

GypsyMoth · 14/06/2009 11:15

Megapixels........ Oh yes it can be!!! There are loads of unwanted kids out there........ Loads!! How would you explain that? Only hope no child moves into your childs life that's in this situation! How sympathetic would your child be? Or would she treat them like an outsider?

MuthaHubbard · 14/06/2009 11:15

but that may be the reality for some 6 yr olds

SlartyBartFast · 14/06/2009 11:16

Fennella!

sulks

hercules1 · 14/06/2009 11:17

I think you are bu. Dd is 5 and her best friend only lives with her dad as her mother lives in another country and my and dh's extended family and close for that matter are made up of a medley of relationships.
I see no benefit in her not realising that it is not actually the norm to live with both parents and in fact often better not to.

Original poster
megapixels · 14/06/2009 11:17

"I personally would be horrified for DS to meet a girl who gets distressed at a child having a stepmum when his mum is alive. Does she still believe in fairies? It sounds like the kind of child that could make a child that is part of a blended family feel miserable about his circumstances even when there is nothing to be pitied about."

Chandra my dd is SIX. There's nothing awful about a 6 year old not knowing about step families, especially if they come from a background where there are none. No she has never believed in fairies or santa claus or the easter bunny, we never led her to believe that.

OP posts:
FenellaFudge · 14/06/2009 11:17

Gosh. I think alot of you are overreacting - OP is not hiding that parents seperate, she is talking about situations where the parent leaves and removes themselves entirely from the childs life.

FenellaFudge · 14/06/2009 11:19

Slarty -

Mwaaaaaaahahahahahaa!!

beanieb · 14/06/2009 11:19

YABU.

what else do you hope to protect your child from!?

surrofab · 14/06/2009 11:19

I would-and have-told my 7 year old that some mommies and daddies don't want to be involved in their childrens lives.
It can be as simple or as complicated as you make it.My daughter took it very well but i am myself the victim of one such 'man' who never wanted to be a father when we were younger.My dd also has step-grandparents,so maybe it was just an easier concept for her to understand.

Just get the conversation set up in your own head before it happens then just go with your daughters flow.And end the convo by saying,if you have any more questions you can always come and ask me sweetheart.
Leave it open for your dd to come and speak with you if anything you've said is troubling her.
x

TheFallenMadonna · 14/06/2009 11:20

I find children very accepting of these things really, especially when they have known that such situations exist from an early age. So actually, I would get on with it ASAP. I think the longer your DD goes on thinking the world is composed only of two parent biological families, the harder it will be to explain when she finds out that, in fact, it is not.

curiositykilled · 14/06/2009 11:20

megapixels - It's frustrating when someone makes you confront an issue you are dreading (like the NSPCC) but yes, you do have to talk about it now and tell her the truth. I would (waits to be flamed) tell her that not all parents do love their children, some hurt their children and some don't want to see them. Not all people who have children chose to have them or wanted them when they came. You talk about adoption and fostering, step-parents and single parents, children who live with their other relatives. Terrible things that happen in this country and abroad. I would emphasise that being a parent is dependendent on actually parenting their child rather than biology. Then I'd talk to her about the nice things - that you and her dad love each other and her, chose to have her and have loved since she was born and will till she dies, that she has a family who love her and take care of her and that she lives in a country where she is safe and well-looked after. I think because she's so big you'd have to spend a long time on this discussing every issue and helping her to understand her position in the issue is a happy one but not everyone's is. She'll be OK once she understands but will probably be more afraid if she knows a bit about it but hasn't discussed/understood it all - it's the fear of the unknown that is bad. That way she won't be afraid it will happen to her, being sad that it happens to other peopl is a normal and healthy response. She might have friends who's parents are divorcing at some stage, if you haven't talked about all these horrible things this could be really upsetting for her.

madwomanintheattic · 14/06/2009 11:21

i had a similar issue at 6 with dd1 being a free reader with access to jw's books.

i am all for the dcs understanding that there all sorts of families in the world, and some children with no families, and that there are a plethora of reasons for this (with age-appropriate back-up info necessary to discuss specific situations), but i did struggle with some of jw's texts concerning messy divorce, truancy, etc etc at 6/ 7. it wasn't so much the content, but the way it was delivered tbh. i think even jw realises that some of her texts are more suited for older children.

so i do understand that you feel the need to protect her from the fact that some parents do not want to see their children - but i would worry a little that she was protected to the extent that she could not understand the concept of what is a reality for one of her friends. (the step-mother/ birth mother thing)

i have twice asked the school to double-check their reading lists for age-appropriate content. one was in this case (certain jw texts for yr 2s) and once was a book that was given to my then (reading) 4yo, containing riddles and limericks, and poems about ghosts, eerie noises in the night, and house fires. (not 'london's burning' lol ) in both circumstances the school reviewed the books and agreed with me (and removed the books from the shelves for that age group), so if you are concerned about the content, just ask the school their opinion.

Chandra · 14/06/2009 11:24

Megapixels, mine is six too, that's why I found it so unreasonable. IF she was 2 yrs old maybe... but six? please...

FenellaFudge · 14/06/2009 11:25

I do agree that things are as complicated or as straightforward as we make them.
Presented in a matter-of-fact, reassuring way, I think children are pretty accepting of most things.
And actually I imagine this issue presented in the form of a story - with background and explanations etc - would be rather a good way of broaching it.

I do sympathise with the idea that you'd rather she didn't need to hear about this kind of thing but I'll bet she would be thoroughly unfazed by it.

Thunderduck · 14/06/2009 11:26

YABVU.

SerendipitousHarlot · 14/06/2009 11:26

I beg to differ, Fenella

There's nothing awful about a 6 year old not knowing about step families, especially if they come from a background where there are none

again.

pranma · 14/06/2009 11:27

Was the book a class reader or a book sent home as an extension reader?I agree with SBF that Anne Fne's book is aimed at slightly older children so maybe your dd's reading age is quie high.I think you could regard the story as an opportunity to discuss difficult topics,however you may find she doesnt even bring it up-just accepts it as part of a story.However I do think its a tiny bit unreasonable to deprive her of fairies and Santa Claus-shes only 6!Where is the magic in her world?

Original poster
megapixels · 14/06/2009 11:27

Thank you Fenella, Surro, TFM, curio, mad etc. etc. for understanding where I'm coming from. I am not against blended families (can you even be against that?) at all. Madwoman my dd had been given a JW at school too and though she read it she didn't seem to realise that the dad wasn't in the picture. Or maybe she realised and thought nothing of it.

OP posts:
conniedescending · 14/06/2009 11:28

I totally agree with your viewpoint and think someposters have been rather harsh with this one.

I don't want my children to know about parents not wanting to see their own children either....I can't understand that and I'm an adult!

Diversity is all well and good but when it comes to raising children I think children should learn that traditional families are the optimum environment.

FenellaFudge · 14/06/2009 11:29

Serendipitous - I'm not recognising which of my points you're replying to there.
Or the need for that.

Original poster
megapixels · 14/06/2009 11:30

Chandra - Why is it unreasonable? What can I do if she hasn't been exposed to it? Should I make some of my family or friends get divorced so she'll be more clued up? I said in my OP that I'd explained seperation to her when she talked about her friend and the child's step mother. She seems to have forgotten, what do I do, make her a chart to hang on her wall?

OP posts:
curiositykilled · 14/06/2009 11:31

I think you're all being a bit mean to megapixels. It's not unreasonable to have any of these feelings, we all want things to be nice for our children! Everyone has things they wished didn't happen because they are difficult things to have to explain to their children. That's all she's saying. I can totally see how a child could get to 6 and have no previous experience of these things if she lives in a happily married household with two parents - that's a nice thing for her not a bad thing!

GypsyMoth · 14/06/2009 11:32

Oh dear connie?

So what's a traditional family then??