To not want my dd (6) to know that some dads don't see their children?

[megapixels]

My dd, in Year 2, has got a book of short stories - and one of them is a chapter from Anne Fine's Crummy Mummy and Me. It's the one where the girl goes looking for her biological dad, whom she has never met until then (she is around 9 I think). AIU to skip that story and ask that the teacher not give her books of the sort in future? Dd was distressed enough when she knew that one of her friends has a step mother when her real mother was alive . I did explain to her about seperated families and that step mothers are not like those portrayed in fairy tales. She seems to have forgotten though as she was recently puzzling over "I went to my dad's" that had been written by someone in the class teddybear diary.

At this age I really don't want her to know that some dads (and mums) don't want to see their children. How do you explain that anyway? It would be different if it had to be discussed with her because of a real situation (eg. a friend at school) but is it so wrong that she thinks that all children live with their mums and dads who love them very much? She has time to learn about the realities of the world in her own time through her own experiences without it being forced on her, isn't it? She's only 6, nearing 7. AIBU?

Sorry I have to say what a load of bull. ds1 was 4 when he had to face the facts that his "daddy" didn't want to see him.

It hasn't damaged him by knowing that some "mummys/Daddys" don't want to know. In fact it has made him stronger.

If she is old enough to read the book she is old enough to ask a question if she needs and therefore old enough to know about it.

That's not a lie, the OP is worried about saying it as it is so my suggestion is to focus on the positive aspect, the dedication and hard work of the parent left behind. My children know about every type of situation, we lived in hostels for 5 years with drug addicts and wife beaters, but the OP wants to start gently.

I don't think it is necessarily a lie junglist.

A mum who decides with good grounds that her children shouldn't see his dad, is acting out of love.

A couple who decide to split may also be willing to protect the children by not exposing them unnecessarily to violence or spite.

I know a woman who split from her husband because she didn't want her DD to grow up thinking that being undermined, attacked and sometimes even beaten was "normal" in a relationship.

And so on...

I just want to make a point about "traditional 2.4 children" families. Me and DH are married and we have a DS and a DD and the 4 of us live together.

But...granny and grandad (my parents) are divorced and both have new partners. So my DCs in a "tradidtional 2.4" family actually have 6 grandparents and they are all referred to as granny/nanny x or grandad x or whatever.

Then we have uncle x (BIL, DH's brother). BIL's father did a runner whilst MIL was pg with him and he has never seen BIL. So FIL, MIL, DH and BIL I think are "blended"?? Not sure!

I wouldn't shield my DCs from it, I'd just tell them it was fine and everyone was happy (they are only 3 and 1 so couldn't understand anyway yet).

But anyway what I am trying to say is that I think you should just let your DD know that there are a variety of setups and different people are happy with different things. If you don't make an issue of it and she can see you are fine with it, she will be fine with it as well.

Sorry, post was aimed at curiositykill not junglist

a child of six would need more of an explanation than "some mummies and daddies love their children so much they raise them alone"!!! That would just make a six year old worry about their own situation. The reality is that some biological parents don't love their children and don't see them, some do and don't see them, some do but don't know how to look after them, some deliberately hurt them and love them, some deliberately hurt them and don't love them, some live with two parents, some live with one and some don't live with any e.t.c. Children don't have a problem with knowing the truth when they have support, they have a problem with being told rubbish distortions of the truth to make everything seem rosy in the world. I'm not sure there's any benefit at all to 'breaking a 6 year old in slowly' when they have already found out some of the things on their own and you don't know what those things are.

Yep I know all that. And I'd hope that as a 31 year old mum of 2 I'd know how to talk to a 6 year old. Obviously I'm not coming on here to write an essay am I!!!!!!????? Just advise the OP will you

Caprica,you're right. For me personally, I would say it how it is. My 2 have seen a lot, more than they should probably. So they'd be no point shielding them from anything.

isnt crummy mummy and me for an older age group. i'm sure i reads that at around age 8-9

The op is fine with her DD knowing about seprated families. What she doesn't want is for her child to read about Daddy's who don't want to se thier children. OP YANBU and Crummy Mummy is writen for older children so the teacher should not have given her that book.

To the OP you're not only being unreasonable you're being utterly ridiculous and quite offensive to those of us unspeakables who have exes who chose not to see their children

I may well being oversensitive here but here goes,

It sounds as if you are trying to protect your child (nothing wrong in that) but from what?

Its more than protecting her from 'sad' things, its almost like protecting her from children whose lives are somehow 'sad'.

Like my little boy (told you I was sensitive). Surely if you shield your little girl from the subject you will have to shield her from the children who are living the circumstances which you describe?

What is that going to teach her about others? That children living without both parents are to be avoided? What about children who have lost a parent or sibling or children in foster care or have been adopted?

All these things are likely to upset your DD as she sounds a sensitive little soul but I dont feel you will help her deal with this by pretending these things dont happen.

My little boy is the same age as you DD. He has had to deal with losing his birth parents, being adopted, coming to terms with his early neglect, losing his adored adopted sister.

He is a lovely, happy (if somewhat complicated) little boy. Not someone to be avoided or to protect you DD from.

I know you are talking about a book in this instance but there are real children behind those storylines.

This is NOT meant to be a mean post. I am genuinely confused about what you hope to achieve.

YANBU for wanting your DD's life to be nice and fluffy and to protect her BUT I cannot agree with what you want to do it.

Talk to her, show her MORE books not less, show her that even kids that have suffered multiple tradgedies and traumas can be happy and healthy.

I think that will stand her in much better stead than hiding RL from her.

so much better put than me Chegirl

Sorry but you are being very very unreasonable.

The sooner children learn about the real world the better, nothing is being forced on her, yes in an ideal world people would meet, get married, move in together, have children, forsake all others and live happily ever after, sadly life is not like that.

When do you stop 'shielding' your dd from such dreadful things as single parent families, step parents, etc? I am truly amazed that you don't know any divorced parents or single parents.

It would be rather like me trying to shield my ds from children who do have contact with their fathers and children who live with mummy and daddy. Instead he knows that families come in different shapes and sizes and accepts those differences. He also knows that people die sometimes when they aren't even old. He is 4 and asks lots of questions but doesn't appear to be upset that he is different from the majority of his friends.

I'm a single parent because ds's father couldn't cope with him being born so ill and told me he hoped he (ds) would die. Imagine how someone who has been widowed would feel reading your post?

yabu. particularly for the sake of those child ren in non-nuclear family set ups your child will already know. great post by chegirl.

You are being silly. Not telling her these things doesn't make them less likely to happen to her, just lets her know that you think they are terrifying.

My dd1 has dealt with bereavement, separation and her dad having a severe brain injury and coming home a different person. These things don't destroy you, they make you stronger and better able to cope with the bad things that will come into everybody's life.

I'm afraid that no matter how much you shield her, things will happen to your dd - life does - and it is up to you to show her that she can cope with it. It will help her if you start this now - and realising that people lead different lives to her, and are ok - even if not straight away, is part of this.

Thank you

I do firmly believe that we build resilience in our kids by preparing them and informing them.

Its a sort of armour(?) that we build up gradually over the years. You dont have to force them to read 'issue' books in exclusion of anything else of course.

Books are particularly useful for raising issues because they are not in your face like films and tv. They can be picked up and put down and the images they counjour are easier to control.

What happens if you protect a child from all nasties and [God Forbid] illness, divorce or death strikes the child's family? No book can protect or completly prepare a child for tradgedy but they really CAN help.

In the OPs defense, my ds is in reception and non of the parents have split up. Two of the fathers have died so from ds's pov he would think that fathers are more likely to die than leave.

I do think YABU though.

Totally agree Che

the problem with protecting and shielding children (in instances such as described in the OP) is - when do you start letting RL in? where does the protection stop?

I have been in the ridiculous position of explaining to my dsd's teachers that I am not her mother (at a school event, teacher knew dh by sight, assumed I was dsd's mum because she didn't know that dh and dsd's mum are divorced). dsd's mum obviously thinks there is something shameful about being a separated family, and has passed this on to her children. I htink it started out with her pretending all was fine to schools/acquaintances etc so as to spare the children's feelings - protect them from other people's questions/judgements.

But it has led to a 16 year old being embarrassed when i go to school events as he doesn't know how to introduce me - a pretty big thing to drop into conversation, really, considering he would have to explain his 2 siblings too.

So all this over-protection has just created 2 teens who cannot cope with their own family situation, let alone other people's.

right so all of you that agree with the OP.

What ar eyou going to do when a child starts at your DC's school that is in that situation - and they (your DC) start asking questions about it?

Or is it ok to bring to talk about it if they experience it - but just to leave it if it's not "needed".

also I'm in trigued to know how some of you know the marital status of all of the parents in your DC's year at school .