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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my dd (6) to know that some dads don't see their children?

313 replies

megapixels · 14/06/2009 10:52

My dd, in Year 2, has got a book of short stories - and one of them is a chapter from Anne Fine's Crummy Mummy and Me. It's the one where the girl goes looking for her biological dad, whom she has never met until then (she is around 9 I think). AIU to skip that story and ask that the teacher not give her books of the sort in future? Dd was distressed enough when she knew that one of her friends has a step mother when her real mother was alive . I did explain to her about seperated families and that step mothers are not like those portrayed in fairy tales. She seems to have forgotten though as she was recently puzzling over "I went to my dad's" that had been written by someone in the class teddybear diary.

At this age I really don't want her to know that some dads (and mums) don't want to see their children. How do you explain that anyway? It would be different if it had to be discussed with her because of a real situation (eg. a friend at school) but is it so wrong that she thinks that all children live with their mums and dads who love them very much? She has time to learn about the realities of the world in her own time through her own experiences without it being forced on her, isn't it? She's only 6, nearing 7. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
megapixels · 14/06/2009 11:32

Pranma she is a free reader so chooses her own books from the set they have.

Exactly connie.

Be back later.

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 14/06/2009 11:33

yabu

muggglewump · 14/06/2009 11:33

YABU.
Some children have to deal with this at a mouch younger age, my DD being one of those children as her Dad wants nothing to do with her.

Just explain that some parents don't feel able to be a part of their children's lives and leave it for her to ask more, then explain in an age appropriate manner.
If your DD was disturbed at her friend having a SepMum, she'd be distraught if she met my DD!

misshardbroom · 14/06/2009 11:39

I do think YABU.

I understand what you're saying - you're not trying to teach your child that single parent families or stepfamilies are bad and wrong; more that you think 6 is too young to get her head around some of the complexities and subtleties of adult life. Fair point.

But the problem is, even if you shelter her from this, the world won't. She will meet children whose families do not match the conventional blueprint, and whose interpretation and explanation would you prefer she heard: yours, or another 6 or 7 year old's?

I completely agree with Fenella's last post, would suggest the same.

And definitely don't go into school about it as you will sound very PFB - if you want to talk to the teacher about this one, I'd wait until parents' evening and discuss how you and DD have found some of the subject matter challenging and what does she think?

pranma · 14/06/2009 11:53

mega if she chose it herself perhaps you cant blame the teacher-Anne Fine is an excellent writer and it was an extract not the whole book-most parents would be ok with it.Fwiw you sound like a woderful caring mum with a very bright little girl and a wonderful family.It would be great if all families were like yours but......

CapricaSix · 14/06/2009 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 14/06/2009 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FenellaFudge · 14/06/2009 12:08

Well Reality, looking at it objectively - all other things being equal, then two parents are generally accepted as being better than one.
That is not a radical idea - it's a pretty standard one.

(sorry OP - realise this is not what you are talking about)

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 14/06/2009 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HuffwardlyRudge · 14/06/2009 12:20

I think it is important to remember that children accept as normal what they are told. A six year old will think "huh, some families don't have a daddy. I do" and is unlikely to start thinking about whether or not parents want to see their children because it would be outside her frame of reference. Parents just are and for a little girl who has grown up with two parents at home she is unlikely to start angsting about alternatives.

It is only if we as adults start lying or "shielding" them from things that these alternative family set ups seem to become something embarassing or to be ashamed of.

Merrylegs · 14/06/2009 12:22

But but - to take it back to the book point. When kids begin to read freely they often choose say a Jacqueline Wilson because Nick Sharrat's covers are very illustrative and inviting.

However there is a huge gap between being able to literally read the words and then understanding the context of what you are reading.

Therefore a six year old choosing a book like The Illustrated Mum, for example, which is about a child with a single tatooed depressive mother, is perfectly able to read it, but perhaps not fully able to grasp the concept, and I guess in megapixels DD's case, not able to relate to it.

That's not to say you should shield her from real truths - and literature should be about provoking questions too, but maybe at this age you want her to enjoy a book rather than be troubled by it?

In which case, YANBU.

BUT if she is puzzling over why some children in her class visit their dads sometimes, perhaps that is a discussion you need to have with her away from the storybooks.

FenellaFudge · 14/06/2009 12:22

I'm not picking an argument with you, nor am I going to google statistics for you, if you actually want to see the studies and think tank output in this area it's all there.

I am a single parent too.

FenellaFudge · 14/06/2009 12:27

Also, off the top of my head I can think of a dozen benefits of two parent families (all things being equal - which is the key point) but I can see that some of you are feeling 'got at' so to go down that root would be antagonistic.

FenellaFudge · 14/06/2009 12:28

...or even route

Chandra · 14/06/2009 12:30

Well, perhaps that book may provide the perfect opportunity to introduce the concept that not all families live in a 2 parents, 2.4 children and a dog setting?

That may also be a good time to explain to the girl that although that setting is a bit different it's doesn't meant it is necessarily a terrible thing.

SerendipitousHarlot · 14/06/2009 12:34

There's plenty of need for

You're implying that your dd should be shielded from these families, or the idea of these families, as if somehow they would be harmed by being exposed to them.

I can understand the original point of having to explain stuff to dc that you're not perhaps ready to - but since you made that point, you're speaking about these families as if you have a nasty smell under your nose.

Just because your dc haven't been exposed to a certain environment doesn't mean that they shouldn't learn about them! I don't have any criminals in my family background, but my dc are still going to have to know what a criminal is.

FenellaFudge · 14/06/2009 12:36

Serendipitous - you addressed your previous post to me, which is why I questioned it.
I think you have me mixed up with the OP.

Chandra · 14/06/2009 12:36

can we say firemen instead of criminals please? I would be happier with a more positive example

SerendipitousHarlot · 14/06/2009 12:40

Yes, that was a crap analogy, sorry. Firemen then. Or doctors

Fenella I was addressing this point

"OP is not hiding that parents seperate, she is talking about situations where the parent leaves and removes themselves entirely from the childs life."

That's what I was begging to differ on. And the was to the OP, sorry.

gerontius · 14/06/2009 12:42

Lucia, I think that more than "a tiny proportion" are two-parent families with both biological parents.

FenellaFudge · 14/06/2009 12:49

By SerendipitousHarlot on Sun 14-Jun-09 11:26:53
I beg to differ, Fenella
There's nothing awful about a 6 year old not knowing about step families, especially if they come from a background where there are none

Fenella I was addressing this point:
"OP is not hiding that parents seperate, she is talking about situations where the parent leaves and removes themselves entirely from the childs life."

serendipitous - Sorry, still dont see what you are saying.
I ahven't said it's awful for a 6yo to not know about step families. Nothing even similar.

JodieO · 14/06/2009 13:01

She's 6, that's plenty old enough imo as long as she hasn't been sheilded from everything all her life. I'm really struggling to take this seriously, surely people really aren't so narrow minded? I find it hard to believe someone would want their child not to know about life and accepting others. You realise that a step parent can exist alongside the birth parent? So just because someone in your child's class has a step mother it doesn't mean the birth mother doesn's want to see them anymore.

I think you being very unreasonable to be honest. A 6 year old is not a baby, show her the real world and don't wrap her in cotton wool. There is far worse in the world. Instead of waiting for something to come up I'd talk about it before, maybe that would mean less worry rather than just hanging about.

FairLadyRantALot · 14/06/2009 13:05

yabu and rather precious....by avoiding the topic it will look even more negative.....

junglist1 · 14/06/2009 13:06

I wouldn't worry about this at all. It's a valuable lesson for your child, that not everything is black and white. The way you talk to her about different types of families will influence how she views them. Rather than saying that some dads don't want to see their children, turn it into a positive by saying some mummies and daddies love their children so much they raise them alone etc. This isn't really a biggie.

curiositykilled · 14/06/2009 13:07

junglist - you'd tell her lies?! How would this help?