To not want my dd (6) to know that some dads don't see their children?

[megapixels]

My dd, in Year 2, has got a book of short stories - and one of them is a chapter from Anne Fine's Crummy Mummy and Me. It's the one where the girl goes looking for her biological dad, whom she has never met until then (she is around 9 I think). AIU to skip that story and ask that the teacher not give her books of the sort in future? Dd was distressed enough when she knew that one of her friends has a step mother when her real mother was alive . I did explain to her about seperated families and that step mothers are not like those portrayed in fairy tales. She seems to have forgotten though as she was recently puzzling over "I went to my dad's" that had been written by someone in the class teddybear diary.

At this age I really don't want her to know that some dads (and mums) don't want to see their children. How do you explain that anyway? It would be different if it had to be discussed with her because of a real situation (eg. a friend at school) but is it so wrong that she thinks that all children live with their mums and dads who love them very much? She has time to learn about the realities of the world in her own time through her own experiences without it being forced on her, isn't it? She's only 6, nearing 7. AIBU?

Nappy, they will probably encourage the card to be made for "a special person" so that your DS can choose who he gives it too. Some schools avoid fathers day altogether and thats sad.

The OP has made me think re my own DS, I grew up to believe that you got married and have children as my mum was very traditional. Perhaps because I am the oldest I followed this, my brothers are married but the children came first. I'd like DS to be married before having his own children but he will obviously make his own choices.

My DS hasnt really come across any different style families in books yet but I am sure it will happen. I believe there are a couple of LP's at school but DS has never questionned it so presume he just thinks "x has a mum but not a dad" - if he asks me i'll explain simply but it hasn't arose yet.

Naooy you should make clear to the nursery when you drop him off that he doesn't have contact with his father. DS's nursery are aware he doesn;t have a live in father but double checked with me this week whether he had contact, they then asked who he could make a card for and he came home yesterday thrilled to have made a card for his adored Uncle Ian.

YABU

Do you really want her to lead such a sheltered life?
Surely this is a wind up?
She will end up very rebellious and wierd if you keep things like this from her. And also she will have very unrealistic expectations from men.

Get real!

I think you are concerned about age appropriateness but come on- she is going to find out one day and you will not ruin her innocence by exposing her to these (shock horror) realities!

It's not like you are telling her that father Christmas dosn't exist!

you are very smug imo!

I also grew up thinking that I would marry first and then have kids. I thought that it would be easy to just meet a guy and get married and I thought that is just what people did.

Then I came across the world of dating and men. Oh dear!

Mum and Dad are VERY traditional and always used to slag off single mums. They have had to eat their words since I got dumped whilst pregnant!

I still think that this is a wind up but congrats- you are very good at it!

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I understand your need to protect your dd from that sort of destabilising stuff.

BUT she's going to have to face it sometime isnt she?

'the ball was out - everyone could see that the ball was out'

oh no.....maybe it was the other John Mcenroe quote i was searching for !

Actually, you're slowly losing control over hat your daughter sees/knows/learns anyway! The whole eorld of 'being at school' means she'll discover plenty you don't approve of

My dd is 12. I didn't want her knowing the Ins and outs of the baby p case. But all the kids in school discussed it at length and she knew the lot!

This will happen to yourchild. Other kids will fill her in on things you try to protect her from........ Whether youlike it or not.

My parents divorced and have remarried. My DD knows that they were married, they had me and DB and later they decided they weren't happy so didn't stay together. I've always been very open and DD has accepted it. Granted that might be more difficult if I didn't see one of my parents but IME you have to be open and frank with your DCs. I'd much rather it was me explaining this stuff and giving her the opportunity to ask questions than her hearing it from someone else.

Destabilising- my arse!

Far worse to be with the wrong man which would have been the case with me.

I want my dd to be proud of me for coping admiably on my own, and for instilling the values in her that diversity is good. I also plan to teach her that whilst it is a good thing to have the RIGHT man, having a man is not essential to survival or happiness. Surely taht is a good thing?

She will hopefully have far more healthy attitudes than my mum instilled in me. My mum genuinely believes that she can't do anything without my dad.She has to ask for money etc! Hardly liberating is it?

Mabe my dd will grow up shocked that some women need a man to make them happy?!

But I have risen to the bait havn't I?!

People in my situation don't want pity. Mabe a bit of understanding and acceptance but definately not pity. YUCK!

Um, I thought that the OP was asking whether or not her 6 year old should know that there are parents who do not want to see their children rather than that there are "non-traditional" families.

Yes they should know.

It is not a nice reality but then neither is death, dangerous strangers, famine, war, floods, orphans, reproduction, environmental destructiona and the Tory party!

Six is fine. My daughter will ahve to know a lot sooner than that

Like as soon as she can talk.
I think that it will be tough for her but hopefully she will develop toughness, compassion for others and open mindedness. Hopefully she will be the girl on the playground who will want to know others from all spheres of life. I will hopefully be proud.

I am bracing myself for her being upset when other kids say- ''Why don't you have a dad?''
And her being excluded etc.

Actually I also think that JW is being VVVVVU by calling her book about single mums ''CRUMMY MUMMY!!!!!!!!!!''

DD's dad does want to see her (He claims)but is sadly stuck in Iran so this may be a tricky subject to broach.

Take a chill pill poshsinglemum FFS!
It's destabilising for a child from a happy family to learn that some mummys and daddys dont stay together or for them to process the idea of a 'stepmother'.

It's not a judgement on your situation or anyone elses fgs

I see OP's point, and in that sense, and the freedom of thought and all that, she is allowed to have views some think are UR.

BUT

I was thinking about the age appropriateness of things. There is that. I mean I wouldn't want my DD/DS to read 16 by Judy Blume at 6 (for eg), though if she did I would do my best to explain things, but as a parent would rather she read it later. Not to protect her as such, but because it is mature content. Such as books that contain lots of swearing as the norm etc.

That said, there are loads of age appropriate books that are scary and threatening. And children really do relish this. Esp if they are enjoying reading within a secure environment (whatever that is), even children who have been there. It can be reassuring for children who have been there, and encourage empathy in children who haven't.

I was racking my brains for an innocuous book I read at that age which is not so sweet as it seems. I read The Secret Garden That book is no bed of roses. Parents die, child leaves country of birth and go somewhere totally alien, to a man who can't even look at his own son, and is convinced said son is going to die. The mystery of the garden is dark too. All very traumatic, and not at all 2:4.

Children need to be challenged, and reading is a good way to do this. If the home environment is reasonably secure (not 2:4, but where the child has a port of call iyswim), then they have the support to reason through it.

Mabe not but I can't help taking this stuff personally as it is very close to my heart.

I can see why the op dosn't want her dc to be upset by the factsome dads don't want her see their kids but I think that such books are actually positive in increasing understanding of people in my situation so I'm bound to rise to it a bit really.
Also, it's the assumption that this is going to totally make the lo distraught.

It may be a bit of a shock. I remember how I felt when I fist realsised at a very early age that meat came from cute, fluffy animals. But I got over it and continues to eat flesh.

I mean- how is she going to explain death or where babies come from? And at what age? These are FAR more awkward imo.

continue

durrrrrr

The book is Forever by Judy Blume... not 16.

Scuse me.

Also, if you read most fairy stories they are very dark indeed.

What about the wicked step sisters in Cinderella. Not exactly pc but who cares?! Children relish a bit of drama.

Ok- soz- total wires crossed as usual.

Sorry... I kind of interrupted your posting debate there didn't i.
I'm knew here, can it be excused?

I read loads of books with sad family set ups as a child - if you want to avoid anything unusual or upsetting, you are going to have to avoid all classic children's literature.

I loved The Secret Garden, the Railway Children, Ballet Shoes (and those poor kids were doubly abandoned)... even the Narnia books are tricky from that point of view. And what were the parents of the Secret Seven (or Famous Five?) thinking of, dumping their kids on a dodgy uncle while no doubt pissing off on some luxury holiday?

Getting rid of the parents is an essential device in children's literature, otherwise there would be no adventures - it would stay at pre-school Spot the Dog level.

Books are a fantastic way to explore all sorts of things in safety. To explore negative emotions, danger, tragedy, etc. etc. safely at one remove, when you can go and ask your Mum about anything that troubles you.

And I have a theory that people who read widely as children grow up to be more tolerant and accepting of difference - they have learned to stand in someone else's shoes and that the world is more complicated than their own direct experience.

Always want to do a poll on here, to see whether the really judgmental people, who make crass comments that suggests they have no understanding of other people's lives, ever read classic childrens' novels...

If it is destabilising, then I would want my children to be destabilised so that they can be supportive and tolerant with other children. I wouldn't want their peace of mind purchased at the price of risking insensitive comments made to other children.

If they have never been challenged by literature, real life might hit them quite hard.

Some of the best childrens literature is full of ''deprivation''. Take Oliver Twist!