To not want my dd (6) to know that some dads don't see their children?

[megapixels]

My dd, in Year 2, has got a book of short stories - and one of them is a chapter from Anne Fine's Crummy Mummy and Me. It's the one where the girl goes looking for her biological dad, whom she has never met until then (she is around 9 I think). AIU to skip that story and ask that the teacher not give her books of the sort in future? Dd was distressed enough when she knew that one of her friends has a step mother when her real mother was alive . I did explain to her about seperated families and that step mothers are not like those portrayed in fairy tales. She seems to have forgotten though as she was recently puzzling over "I went to my dad's" that had been written by someone in the class teddybear diary.

At this age I really don't want her to know that some dads (and mums) don't want to see their children. How do you explain that anyway? It would be different if it had to be discussed with her because of a real situation (eg. a friend at school) but is it so wrong that she thinks that all children live with their mums and dads who love them very much? She has time to learn about the realities of the world in her own time through her own experiences without it being forced on her, isn't it? She's only 6, nearing 7. AIBU?

'"I mean - if children who are actually living these lives can cope, surely kids who are only reading about them will survive? "

Exactly-lots of DCs have these situations forced on them through no fault of their own and they manage-I don't see why those who are lucky enough to live with 2 biological parents should be unaware that others live differently.

But hardly anytihng in life doesn't have an element or moral ambiguity attached to it, I'd rather my DS was exposed to moral ambiguity than moral certainty.

MillyR - Obviously providing children with moral ambiguity involves encouraging them to think for themselves more than 'moral certainty' - not that that even exists! What you are referring to as 'moral certainty' is in fact the perception of there being something that is morally certain. Really, there is absolutely NOTHING in life which is truly 'morally certain' there are only things which fit with your personal morals or things which don't. If you censor everything that alludes to moral ambiguity you are effectively teaching your children to be spoonfed information without having to think - this applies to most censorship issues actually.

Children have a much higher capacity for this kind of thought than most adults, I would say, because they are used to everything in their lives being uncertain and new. Neither of my children have started school yet and I find having these kinds of discussions with them hugely stimulating as an adult BECAUSE of their capacity for thought and their unusual perspectives.

If you only let them see the world from one view they will not be able to cope as well with difficulty in their own and their friend's lives.

I totally disagree on the moral ambiguity concept. People who genuinely believe that everything is morally ambiguous don't have to think about ethics at all. If you never need to be certain that your actions are the most morally appropriate choice then there is no need to even consider your own behaviour as it is all just relative. It is a misunderstanding of how humans deliberate and presupposes that we either choose between no moral certainty whatsoever or fundamentalism based on absolute principles, which are both absurd lessons to teach children.

'Children have a much higher capacity for this kind of thought than most adults, I would say, because they are used to everything in their lives being uncertain and new. Neither of my children have started school yet and I find having these kinds of discussions with them hugely stimulating as an adult BECAUSE of their capacity for thought and their unusual perspectives.'

I agree-children's minds are fascinating and you can have amazing discussions with very young children if you give them the chance -a lot of people never do.

Just curious OP if you want to shield your dc to such an extent then how do/would you deal with a family death?

Example...ds1 was 5 when my dad took ill and we were told he had only a slim chance of survival. DS1 was present when we were told this. I made the decision to let him see his beloved Grandad even though he was in intensive care and on a life support machine. Sadly 3 months on dad died and ds1 attended the funeral.

Now my belief is that we can guide our children but we cannot protect them from every real life factor. We explain things to DC from such a young age that if done in the right way can only serve them in the best possible way to assist them in growing up well balanced.

My nephews knew DS1's father all be it breifly and when he went Dsis had to explain to them that we had split up. I have only been with DP for 3 yrs and DN's call him Uncle and refer to him when speaking to DS1 as your dad. DS2 will be told one day in the future that he and ds1 have different fathers but the same dad. I doubt it will scar him in any way,

My dd is 6 years old and is aware of the terrible tragedy re. the couple who threw themselves off Beachy Head after the loss of their child... (caught it on the news and asked me about it). She isn't scarred by this knowledge or in any way adversely affected....she cried at the time and thought it was very sad.

I'd say she is very emotionally intelligent. She knows that the world is not made of candy floss and apple pie, and yet she is still well adjusted and happy (despite this worldliness)...

I think the cotton wool approach is shite and of no help whatsoever to children.

millyr - people who accept situations in life are not morally certain have to think more about what their own morality is in each situation this does not make them people with ambiguous morals (a very different thing to acceptance of moral ambiguity). Who said anything about being morally ambiguous people anyway? I was talking about things in life not having their own morality. It is dangerous to always assume your actions are morally superior without thinking about it (as stewiegriffinsmom says). I will accept however your point that I do actually believe that moral certainty is the same as fundamentalism.

In what situations is there true moral certainty? I don't believe that this exists beyond the application of your own morals on the world.

best not to let her read about the disabled, anyone non white, anyone without a 150 IQ anyone who does not have a pony, anyone with a faith...you never know what she might find upsetting

Very late response to FAQ. Our contact sheet has names and addresses for mums and dads so it is pretty obvious to spot the single parents (sole names) and divorced ones (different addresses).

...bed

I can only go by what I know and as the mother of two very different children aged 13 and 8 I can say only this....DS1 is SN he is in the AS spectrum with a 148 IQ and when FIL had a stroke (DS1 was 5) we found it was easier to explain to DS1 what had happened, and what was going to happen FIL was going to and did die.

I think sometimes shielding children is the wrong thing to do, the world is a fucked up place and all we can do as parents is give our children the facts and let them make up their own minds

Agree with FAQ- I would find it highly unlikely that a 6yo who is educated at school does not come into contact either with children living in single families or children with contact with single families- in other words, this is something that is extremely likely to crop up in playground conversation.

All you achieve by trying to shield your dd may well be that she feels instinctively that she can't discuss these matters with you.

I think children can be quite matter of fact about it all.

I do not live with my son's father, we are divorced and I live with my dp and my ds, and two new dd's (with my partner).

My niece said to me only the other day.

'Of course you don't live with (ds's daddy) do you?'

I said no that's right. Ds's daddy lives with his girlfriend and we all live here with dp and dd's.

Niece in patronising voice: 'is it because you are 'revorced'.

I said yes that's right. One day I might get married again to which ds replied. Mummy you can't marry everyone you meet!

Bloody cheek.

I want my children to know about all sorts of family set ups, and that some children have much harder lives than they do. I am quite happy with them knowing that some families have one parent, and that some parents aren't very good at the job of parenting.

HOWEVER, I would not want a child of this age to have unlimited access to Jacqueline Wilson books. Apart from the fact that they are hideously formulaic, a lot of them are obviously meant for older children in the way the deal with complex and difficult themes. I woudl want to read them with my child, or before my child did, so that we could talk about anything that's troubling. AND some of them are DEFINITLEY mot suitable for 6 year olds, however good a reader the 6 year old is.

YABU. It is highly unrealistic to hold up the perfect nuclear family as an ideal to your daughter in this way and to create distress at the mere idea of any other family set up.

My dc's are brought up in a 'typical' family, with a father who is very loving and hands on. There are some children in their classes at school who come from single parent family, but they are in the minority.

I have not had contact with my father for about 15 years now and didn't have much when I was a child. I have told my dc's about this, not laboured the point but when asked told them that I would have liked to have had a Dad around. I wouldn't have 'shielded' them from this kind of thing because what I hope to encourage is an understanding from them. They know that life isn't always like in fairytales, but when it is is ought to be cherised.

When I was a girl I had friends who used to correct me when I talked about my Dad and made me say my 'once upon a time' Dad. That's what believing in fairytales does to you.

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU!

My children live in a very happy, very secure family. I didn't. They know I didn't. They still seem ok!

Your DD is SIX!!!! My 4yo has known for ages that my Daddy left us.

People shield children from far too much nowadays IMO!

OP

Not only are you BU but you are shielding your dd from a truth.

I pity the child she comes across who tells her that he/she has a parent that doesn't want to be with them. Your dd's reaction could be very upsetting for them.

Dear me there are a lot of threads on MN lately that have irritated me hugely, this being one of them. Lots of narrow-minded threads.

OP I am sure that your daughter at 6 is perfectly able to compute the fact the some parents are unwilling to see their children. My dd had to live with this knowledge that her father buggered off out of it when she was 3 months and had no interest in being involved with her life. Funnily enough she is not a gibbering wreck in the corner.

So, you try and hide your daughter from this information in fiction. What happens if she meets a friend at school and starts speaking about fathers, only for the child to say that she has never seen hers. What are you going to do then? Prevent your dd from having anything to do with her, to protect her in her rose-tinted view of life?

How utterly precious.

Well, don't let your daughter read Cinderella (wicked step-parents), Hansel & Gretel (child murder), Harry Potter (murdered parents and child under constant attack) or anything by Roald Dahl (splendid nastiness) then.

I am going to step away from this thread as I am pretty miffed.

has she read any roal dahl books? he dispatches the parents fairly early on normally so the child can persue their adventures. if the parents are not dispatched they are generally unpleasant or harbouring an unpleasant relative.

kids love this shit. i suspect you are protecting yourself and not your dd.

Ds1 has not seen his father since he was five.

Both Ds's manage to understand this and as far as I am aware not one of Ds1's friends were ever traumatised by the knowledge that he doesn't see his father