AIBU to think that having only me, DP and our children at our wedding is OK?

[amazinggrace2001]

We got married last week at Gretna Green - we had booked it a few months ago and after a bit of soul searching thought it was better to just tell close family before we went rather than go and do it. We wanted to have just a quiet romantic wedding for just us and kids .the wedding was lovely and just how we wanted it.

My mum however is really upset and says she feels like she has been kicked in the stomach.she cant understand why we would not want to invite her and my DPs mum to the wedding.I have apologised for upsetting her a few times.

i can empathise how she feels but as we are 40ish think it is reasonable that we dont have to include her in everything, it is not like we are 18 and have eloped.

I am her only child and we have always been close although i think too close to the point of smothering rather than mothering. i would just like to create some boundaries around my 'new' family.

having no other siblings to have a moan about her to to see if it is her or I being unreasonable thought i would sound out people on here!

When you are getting married are you marrying the whole family......No....it is nice if you invite them, sure it is, but like everytinhg there is a choice....

Im sorry skidoodle but you are full of shit and patronising. I wish everything was as straight forward as you say it is...

and it is completely the reason why i will not marry DP....because i do not want ot spend my time pleasing every one else...when we get married it will be just me and him and our children....in our own private wedding.....not because i dont want anyone there in particular, but simply because i want things to be just us - nobody spending our wads of cash, nobody trying to out do the next in fancy outfits, with fancy presents..

And skidoodle if you cand othere who feel the same cant understand that then im sorry but you are very narrow minded

'When you are getting married are you marrying the whole family.'

Of course you are! Unless the DP is a foundling the partner gets PIL, grandparents, aunts,uncles, cousins, godparents etc-all the people who have loved him since birth. Alarm bells would ring with me if DH was so controlling that he wanted to cut me off from my entire family.

Getting married is a public statement, the concept of a secret wedding seems something of a paradox.

getting married is a commitment to eachother, not a public statement....surely????
Not that I think OP was right in excluding her mother and mil in this case...just generally saying....

Ok just re-visited this thread.

Still think not inviting your mum/parents to your wedding is plain wrong. It's hurtful to them. Doesn't matter how old your Dcs are they are still your children. If there are no major "issues" with your parents why would you not want them to be there?

You can make as many commitments you want to each other in private. Marriage is something different. It is a public, legal statement that you are a couple forever. That's what makes it special.

hmmmmmmmmmm....
still, to me the commitment of marriage was to eachother, we chose to do it in public...well...small way....but not everyone choses too....yes marriage is an official commitment, but that does not stop it being between the 2 people that take it....
not sure I am making sense

I can't think of anything more hurtful than not being invited to my own DDs wedding.

My Mum would have been devasted, as will I if my DD did it to me.

I can see why people wouldn't want a big do,, great aunt maud who you haven't seen in 20 years, cousin Phil who is likely to start a fight with the vicar, sister Isabel who is likely to try to shag the vicar, but your own parents?

Sorry just don't get it. There are certain things I want to see as a parent, DD first day at school, her school plays, sports days, graduation (should she choose to go to uni), her wedding..

Part of the statutory wording of a wedding ceremony is: "I call upon these persons here present to witness that I ............. take you ............. to be my wedded wife (or husband)."

The witnessing of a marriage is fundamental to the whole ceremony - and it still seems strange to me that a couple would prefer this important event to be witnessed by strangers instead of close family or friends.

well, their kids were there...they are, possibly, the most important people in their lives....

well, their kids were there...they are, possibly, the most important people in their lives....

heif.....how dare you not agree with mee

XXXXXXX...

LeninGrad - If DD doesn't get married, then I will have nothing to get upset about not being invited grin

SA2 - I looked for you on MSN just before I posted - but you can't talk as you have just agreed with Xenia!!!! wink

ah obviously need to practice my and

'Sorry just don't get it. There are certain things I want to see as a parent, DD first day at school, her school plays, sports days, graduation (should she choose to go to uni), her wedding.. '

Absolutely-I would be so hurt not to be included. My DS went off abroad and didn't go to the graduation which was disappointing but I didn't have a problem with but I would have been very upset if he went and didn't invite me. He may not get married which again is fine by me. If he does I don't care what sort of wedding he has-if fact I would prefer him not to spend silly sums-and I would prefer not to get involved in the planning,but I would want to be there and just can't imagine him wanting to exclude me.

I think that OP will have a problem in years to come if her DCs plan themselves a romantic little wedding, tell her about it but say 'you can't come-I have my own new little family'. She may pretend to herself that she isn't hurt but in her heart of hearts of course she would like to have meant enough to be invited.

It seems very cold to me to just act as if your DCs are any other person and it doesn't matter.

fairlady I wasn't likening a bnp wedding to the op's situation. As you said yourself, it was a tangent and the point is whether there is any kind of wedding that the people who claim that all that matters to them is that their children do what they please on their wedding day feel that way if their own feelings are truly challenged. If you think weddings are shit it's easy to say you won't care if your children don't invite you to theirs.

Please read what you are responding to. It really does help.

Leningrad no, they are public by their very nature. That is why you need four people minimum - bride, groom and two witnesses for a legal marriage or cp.

As for the op's children being "the public" - unless they are 18 they don't count.

And worst of all to whoever said that it made sense to just have her children there as "they are the most important people" to her and dh - bingo! Presusably that is why her mother is so upset.

piscesmoon you've given me some things to think about. I admire your patience when arguing how weddings should be with people who don't appear to have even rudimentary understanding of what a wedding is. Thank you.

hmmmm, this thread has given me a lot of food for thought.
firstly that i realised i should not have posted in AIBU. reading a lot of vitriol on here triggered off a panic attack that i have not suffered from in a few years.

Secondly that i have been selfish in not thinking about what my mum and my DPs family would feel about not being excluded.

i am usually a very dutiful daughter and do think and worry about my mum a lot i just thought that she would be ok as she had joked about others in the family having gone off and got married saying 'well when youve been together a long while and have kids thats ok'. she is not big on weddings.

now i have got to thinking that yes a celebration of some kind would be the right thing to do to try and make amends.

I think that a celebration would be lovely and make amends. My BIL got married on the other side of the world and it was only the brides family. We held a summer party when he got back and all his family treated it like the wedding-it was special with everyone dressing up and nice food and all the photos to see, and yet casual at the same time. People didn't feel excluded.

I think it says it all when you wanted your DCs there as 'the most important people' and yet you don't accord the same to your mum, you are her DC and 'the most important person' and yet you didn't let her attend.

I think a second day letting her share it would make amends-a bunch of flowers and a day out with you wouldn't-it isn't special and you could do it any time.

"Sorry just don't get it. There are certain things I want to see as a parent, DD first day at school, her school plays, sports days, graduation (should she choose to go to uni), her wedding.." Yes, but as a parent you have to accept that your children might not want to either do these things or have you involved. It doesn't mean your children don't love you.

One of the biggest gifts you can give your children is independence. Whilst it would be upsetting to anyone to not be invited, it is not your right to come just because you are their parent or their child for that matter. What matters is the families have been joined (this has happened already if the couple have children) and that the couple are confirming their love, lots of people feel this is a private thing "I call upon these persons here present" is as much a legal thing (like having 2 signatures on a contract) as it can be an emotional thing for some people.

I think OP could have avoided some of the hurt if she'd realised this before and tried to pre-empt it but this is difficult where weddings are concerned. You tend to only find out that everybody has strong feelings and feels hurt about certain things after it's happened. When we pre-empted it it just ended up that we did it (in the majority) how my mum wanted and even then she was hurt and angry and stormed off after the ceremony so no-one got what they wanted (but it didn't matter, it's just a wedding, the marriage is more important).

I'm sure it'll be fine, maybe her mum just needs some reassurance of the position she holds in her daughters feelings. When we were contemplating eloping my mum said it'd make her feel better if she could give us a 'reception' when we got back. I'd talk to her and see what she wanted but don't get dragged to much into having to pay for your mistake! I don't think you've done anything terrible.

I'd just like to say that I am completely with you, OP.

My DH and I did exactly what you have done when we had just DS1 and I was pregnant with DS2.

Also got married in Scotland!

We told our families beforehand. I am not close to my mother - she made my life miserable as a child. My PIL were very happy for us.

Despite agreeing it was a good thing to do beforehand, my parents refused to speak to us for three months afterwards. Even though I was pregnant and had some complications.

Cos, you see, it's actually all about them.

Which is why I didn't want a big wedding controlled - um, I mean attended of course - by them.

I still think we did the right thing. My parents would have made some big pretentious show (which they did at my poor DSis's wedding two years later - they were poisonous) and my wishes would have counted for nothing.

Then I would have been expected to be eternally grateful for it all.

It's all very well saying "it's her only daughter" etc etc, but you don't know what their relationship is really like.

Grace- just make sure your mum knows that you love her loads, if you do. Family and friendship should be about communicating your love and affection, imo, and it doesn't matter whether you employ formal ceremonies or casual quiet moments to drive that message home (except that the former are far more boring and tend to drag on and on without enough free booze flowing to cover all the dull speechy bits).

I think that people read their own family situation into it. If you don't get on with your parents it would be very different. I would have been terribly upset if my mother hadn't been there on the day. As it was my father had died shortly before and he left a huge hole-I was afraid that I wouldn't get through the day without crying. I have a good relationship with my DSs and I can't imagine them excluding me.
If they wanted to have a quiet ceremony with just themselves I wouldn't mind but I would be on the phone with bride's parents organising a party afterwards.