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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that having only me, DP and our children at our wedding is OK?

163 replies

amazinggrace2001 · 13/06/2009 07:39

We got married last week at Gretna Green - we had booked it a few months ago and after a bit of soul searching thought it was better to just tell close family before we went rather than go and do it. We wanted to have just a quiet romantic wedding for just us and kids .the wedding was lovely and just how we wanted it.

My mum however is really upset and says she feels like she has been kicked in the stomach.she cant understand why we would not want to invite her and my DPs mum to the wedding.I have apologised for upsetting her a few times.

i can empathise how she feels but as we are 40ish think it is reasonable that we dont have to include her in everything, it is not like we are 18 and have eloped.

I am her only child and we have always been close although i think too close to the point of smothering rather than mothering. i would just like to create some boundaries around my 'new' family.

having no other siblings to have a moan about her to to see if it is her or I being unreasonable thought i would sound out people on here!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 13/06/2009 15:23

i some very divergent views from my parents

have never wanted to be married
dont follow faith i was raised in (they do)

we still have love and mutual respect we just dont agree

Janos · 13/06/2009 15:26

I'm afraid that I really, genuinely, just don't get why is it such an awful thing to do, not to invite your parents? And why the OP has received so much vitriol for doing (or not doing) it.

Uriel · 13/06/2009 15:34

YANBU.

If any of mine want to go and do similar, I'm not going to be upset about it.

And congratulations!

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 15:40

We have a solution- Uriel wouldn't be upset by it so nobody should be.

Empathy is dead. Long live pleasing yourself!

scottishmummy · 13/06/2009 16:04

foisting one's expectations/preferences is so passée

it is ok to express individual preference
not just mummy's

Tortington · 13/06/2009 16:12

i wouldn't mind not going if my daughter had discussed it with me first

If she just went off and got hitched without a peep, it would be hurtful

so there are two things at play

of course you are entitled to have the wedding you want in the way you want it

However the way you went about doing so - could have been better.

i would much rather my daughter didn't try and do the big wedding thing, i hope that if she choses to get married, that they save up the monney and go get married in Bali or somewhere - ON |THEIR O|WN

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 16:18

How much teaching or parenting really has to go in to convincing someone that the most important concern is doing what they want and that it should be pushed doggedly at the expense of other people's feelings?

I thought parenting was about trying to teach our children to live well in the world alongside other people. Not caring what your parents think is a pretty basic stage of adolescence. Hardly much of an aspiration.

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/06/2009 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy · 13/06/2009 16:24

nor is it aspirational that our children defer to parental wishes above their own

you know what at a certain age you forge your own path.even if that means upsetting parents

beanieb · 13/06/2009 16:28

"we are both quite shy and hate being centre of attention or big fuss"

I can totally understand this. I think it's up to you how you choose to celebrate your own marriage. Yes, I can see why your mum would be upset but she'll get over it IMO and saying she has been 'kicked in teh stomach' is a bit OTT in my opinion.

Is it likely she will never forgive you? Ultimaely she has a choice and that's to deal with it or not deal with it.

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 16:32

Yes and that age is 13.

Thankfully most people get a little more sophisticated as they mature and grow into adults.

The world is going to be hell of fun when all these children, being taught that figuring out what they want is the most important thing in life, reach majority.

Is the content of your mind unimportant as long as you know what it is and make sure you get it?

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 16:32

Yes and that age is 13.

Thankfully most people get a little more sophisticated as they mature and grow into adults.

The world is going to be hell of fun when all these children, being taught that figuring out what they want is the most important thing in life, reach majority.

Is the content of your mind unimportant as long as you know what it is and make sure you get it?

piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 16:43

'I thought parenting was about trying to teach our children to live well in the world alongside other people. Not caring what your parents think is a pretty basic stage of adolescence. Hardly much of an aspiration.'

This is why I think OP should look back on this in 30 yrs time and then she will be able to see how hurtful it was to her mother.

The people on here who insist on doing everything their own way, without taking into account the views of others may find that they are the very ones who have trouble letting go of their own DCs when the time comes because they are the very ones who are all me and mine. I am not possessive of my DCs and I can't for a moment imagine them getting married without me being there. My mother has never been in the least possessive and didn't foist her views on weddings onto me, but I wouldn't have dreamed of not having her there on the day-she was my most important guest after my DS.

Kimi · 13/06/2009 18:55

Most women like weddings, I am not saying that it is the only thing mothers think about for their daughters, but a lot of mothers dream of their daughters big day, and lots of girls want the princess for a day thing.

I have sons and personally (and I will point out this in MY personal view not having a go at others life choices) I would be heart broken if they did not marry, especially if they had children.

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 19:11

Say when your child gets to know their own mind they decide to join the BNP, or maybe join an evangelical church that preaches that homosexuality is an abomination...

Are you ok with that as that is just them expressing their true selves? Would you be proud of them for breaking their links with you and your beliefs?

Imagine they get married and decide to have a big White wedding (in the bnp scenario, quite literally) and exclude beloved black or gay relatives.

Do you take the position that it is their day and none of your business? Or are you mortified that your child could be so rude and hurtful to people who love them?

Genuinely interested in whether there are limits to this teaching children to know their own mind and accepting whatever they choose.

ohtheindignity · 13/06/2009 19:12

why? What do children have to do with it? Are you religious?

ohtheindignity · 13/06/2009 19:14

(And I know as many women who would rather die than do the "princess" thing as women who would want to...)

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 19:21

This whole princess thing has really got out of control over the last decade or so.

I have a dd and so much stuff for girls is all about princesses and (boak) "daddy's little princess", which is just creepy.

It was not like that when I was little and just had to play the woman scientist out of Godzilla.

motherpi · 13/06/2009 19:49

OP, of course YANBU. A wedding is a day between you and your dp, and you should not feel obliged to make it A Day For The Family. You are expressing your commitment to one another - not to your family.

And congratulations!

LeninGrad · 13/06/2009 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BakewellTarts · 13/06/2009 20:44

TBH I don't care if my DD's get married or not.

BUT if they do I'd be terribly hurt and upset if I or DH was excluded...not that I'd want to dictate how the wedding hapopened and would pay to go to GG or Jamica or anywhere else they wanted to tie the knot. Doesn't matter to me if they are 40 or 20 (or any other age).

Agree absolutely that any other celebrations would feel hollow and would not overcome my feelings of hurt (although would still love DD's).

Your witnesses are important I don't understand why you'd want strangers at such a personal and special moment.

FairLadyRantALot · 13/06/2009 21:21

skidoodle..you are of on a tangent a bit, aren't you?

If you use examples try to use likened ones...because those extreme examples of BNP and whatever else....well...they make you look a bit silly, sorry...

dorisbonkers · 13/06/2009 21:44

I say good for you! Your mum will come round. If you're happy and you still get on and see her, she'll get over it.

I HATE big lavish weddings. HATE them. Don't mind big family dos, but the sort of weddings people aspire to these days, nah, leave me out (which, erm, they do!)

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 21:55

Likened to what? What does that word even mean in that sentence? Seriously?

Yes, I'm on a tangent that the thread was taking.

The whole point of the examples is that they are extreme, it's a thought experiment. That's how they work.

FairLadyRantALot · 13/06/2009 22:03

of course skidoodle.......
surely likening (hope it will work better for you in the following context, ) a anti gay/bnp wedding to the op's situation is NOT achieving much, other than alienating people,but continoue (sorry if spelled wrong) to rant, because, if you rant generally no-one listens...

but yeah, just be a pedantic twat on top of everything else...you just suit yourself...

(and yes, I am pissed of at your post...have fecking written a blardy Essay all day long, and can't be fecking bothered....so there....)