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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that having only me, DP and our children at our wedding is OK?

163 replies

amazinggrace2001 · 13/06/2009 07:39

We got married last week at Gretna Green - we had booked it a few months ago and after a bit of soul searching thought it was better to just tell close family before we went rather than go and do it. We wanted to have just a quiet romantic wedding for just us and kids .the wedding was lovely and just how we wanted it.

My mum however is really upset and says she feels like she has been kicked in the stomach.she cant understand why we would not want to invite her and my DPs mum to the wedding.I have apologised for upsetting her a few times.

i can empathise how she feels but as we are 40ish think it is reasonable that we dont have to include her in everything, it is not like we are 18 and have eloped.

I am her only child and we have always been close although i think too close to the point of smothering rather than mothering. i would just like to create some boundaries around my 'new' family.

having no other siblings to have a moan about her to to see if it is her or I being unreasonable thought i would sound out people on here!

OP posts:
skidoodle · 13/06/2009 13:56

LOL

Sorry thought the sarcasm was piled on thickly enough there not to need an emoticon.

Of course it's mental to dream about a little girl's wedding. It's just something you read a lot, about girls dreaming about their wedding dress when they're 6 and their dad imagining giving them away.

You don't have to be like that to hope to be around to see your children hit the big milestones. If you deny your parents that it seems a bit much to be all surprised and put out if they're upset. If the only thing that matters is you, then surely it doesn't matter if they're made sad by your choices?

If they don't matter then they don't matter surely? If you don't mind hurting them on your wedding day, why do you care afterwards?

As for the marriage being more important than the do? Why must people trot out that old doozy? We're talking about weddings here, not marriages. You might as we say that making an effort with a funeral is pointless as what matters is that the person stays dead.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2009 14:00

ah so i can stop retching and hurling.good.

aGalChangedHerName · 13/06/2009 14:04

My mum would have been upset too and if my dc don't want me at their wedding i'll be upset.

I don't get this it's all about us malarkey.

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 14:05

Inviting your mum to your wedding makes it a big do?

We really are reaching new levels in the mumsnet "I cared about my wedding so little I wrapped myself in bog roll as I didn't even want to pay for clothes and I had some strangers push my bed to the registry office whilst I was asleep because I couldn't even bear to be conscious. Then we all drank toilet duck and went home to puke" school of wedding denial.

smallblessings · 13/06/2009 14:07

YANBU. I did the same (except had 2 friends and their DC too). Congratulations!

scottishmummy · 13/06/2009 14:10

i think adults can determine their own wedding and whom they wish to invite

and if they wish to have a minimal do- grreat

if they wish to invite distant relatives and cousins they haven't seen in 20 years and splash the cash.fine

however as adults we are in charge of our own decision making and destiny and yes if that includes breaking convention,so what

people shouldn't wholly live life on customs and ceremony

piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 14:14

'If you want a big frou-frou wedding, then renew your vows. '

I think we are talking at cross purposes. I am talking about the commitment to sign a piece of paper,the marriage. The wedding dress, setting, food, horse and carriage, 200 guests or NOT doesn't matter a jot.
My DS can get married on a wet Monday morning in January, when he takes an hour off work, if he wants to but I would like to either be there or him to include me afterwards, even if a month later, in a meal to celebrate. I wouldn't like him to think it had nothing to do with me.

ohtheindignity · 13/06/2009 14:17

Here's a slightly different slant - suppose, (horror of horrors) your precious daughter grows up and marries someone, maybe of a different faith, and so you don't get the big white wedding you want. How would that be dealt with?

Not every woman grows up dreaming of wearing a massive frock and being the centre of attention , which is fair enough, surely.

piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 14:20

I don't where big white weddings came from on this thread!! OP didn't mention them.

Owls · 13/06/2009 14:21

Applauds Skidoodle. Totally agree.

piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 14:21

I don't think OP's mother had a wedding in mind-she just wanted to be included in the one that took place.

TheFallenMadonna · 13/06/2009 14:22

Why are some posters inventing something to argue against instead of responding to the actual situation? How odd.

piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 14:26

I don't think that they have read the whole thread,theFallenMadonna. There was no question of pressure for a particular type of wedding. White wasn't mentioned. OP had a lovely wedding in Gretna and it sounded fine to me. The only sad thing was that the 2 mothers weren't allowed to attend-or even told about it.

tootyflooty · 13/06/2009 14:28

your age is not important, you are still her daughter, you may not have intended to upset her, but I would be gutted if any of my 3 dc got married and I wasn't there.what does it say to her about how you view her in your life. She may smoother you (I'm definatly guilty of smoother love myself) but it is a kick in the teeth for someone who has loved and cherished you to be so unvalued.

ohtheindignity · 13/06/2009 14:29

ok, then to be more specific - if what somebody really wants is a private wedding, what's wrong with that? Would you want your child to compromise and do something they weren't comfortable with to please you? Really?

If my children want to get married on the other side of the world all by themselves, then good luck to them if they're happy.

Fair enough if the OP had wanted to invite one lot of parents and not the other, but that's not the case is it?

ohtheindignity · 13/06/2009 14:30

I think if you spend your whole life dreaming of what your kids will do in 30 years time you are setting yourself up for a whole lot of grief, tbh.

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 14:35

A wedding is a public event. A "private wedding" is called deciding to go steady.

ohtheindignity · 13/06/2009 14:36

skidoodle - eh?

aGalChangedHerName · 13/06/2009 14:39

Oh and btw i wouldn't want to plan any part of their weddings. Can't think of anything worse!!

Just asked ds1 who is 17.7 if he ever got married,how would he do it. Said he didn't know probably abroad with his friends and FAMILY. So at least one of my dc will think enough of me to invite me lol

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 14:40

The point of a wedding is that it is a public declaration of your intention to stay together. That is why you must have witnesses. There is no such thing as a private wedding for just the bride and groom.

piprabbit · 13/06/2009 14:47

Well said skidoodle. Forget whether a wedding is 'big' or 'small', it is a significant event in your life, as it publically acknowledges that you are creating a new partnership. The person you have grown into is shaped by your parents, you are part of their family and as you start creating your own 'new' family, I feel it is only right and polite to celebrate this transition with your family as well as your partner. Obviously if you have hopeless parents then maybe the above doesn't apply - but you only have to read MN to realise just how much thought, worry and effort we put inti parenting and trying to get it right....

FairLadyRantALot · 13/06/2009 14:54

hm...I was all ready to say that it is up to you and all that...but after reading I kind of can understand why your mum is a bit upset about it...

I presume this is your first marriage? If it was, it would have been nice including the parents of the happy couple. I feel that if it was a second or subsequent marriage it would not matter so much...

LeninGrad · 13/06/2009 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sayithowitis · 13/06/2009 15:17

I'm with Skidoodle on this.

I don't recall the Op saying there was any reason for not inviting the mums,other than because Op is 40ish, she didn't feel she had to include her mother in everything. She makes it sound like a wedding is no more special than popping out to Tesco's or going to the cinema. But clearly , to the Op it was more special than that because, as she says, it was a 'lovely, romantic' wedding at Gretna Green. Fair enough she chose not to invite her mum. But her mum is absolutley entitled to be upset at not being invited to her only child's wedding. I think what Op did is actually rather mean and the suggestions that there should now be any sort of 'extended' wedding celebrations, such as a lunch etc, would only rub the mums nose in it all the more and would border on an insult IMO.

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/06/2009 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn