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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that having only me, DP and our children at our wedding is OK?

163 replies

amazinggrace2001 · 13/06/2009 07:39

We got married last week at Gretna Green - we had booked it a few months ago and after a bit of soul searching thought it was better to just tell close family before we went rather than go and do it. We wanted to have just a quiet romantic wedding for just us and kids .the wedding was lovely and just how we wanted it.

My mum however is really upset and says she feels like she has been kicked in the stomach.she cant understand why we would not want to invite her and my DPs mum to the wedding.I have apologised for upsetting her a few times.

i can empathise how she feels but as we are 40ish think it is reasonable that we dont have to include her in everything, it is not like we are 18 and have eloped.

I am her only child and we have always been close although i think too close to the point of smothering rather than mothering. i would just like to create some boundaries around my 'new' family.

having no other siblings to have a moan about her to to see if it is her or I being unreasonable thought i would sound out people on here!

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 13/06/2009 08:22

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StewieGriffinsMom · 13/06/2009 08:23

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crokky · 13/06/2009 08:23

This is a difficult one.

At my wedding, we had 9 guests. (4 parents, 4 siblings and 1 uninvited guest). At the time all 3 of my siblings were single and DH's sibling was single, although had been sleeping with a girl for a few days so decided to bring her (they are no longer together, was totally casual, hence we didn't invite her - we didn't even know about her).

Anyway, point is we wanted a small wedding for a variety of reasons, lots similar to yours but I could not have excluded my mum or MIL because both would have been very upset. FIL wouldn't have minded, neither would my brothers or BIL but they were all single men so weddings are not high on their list of fun.

I think OK it's your choice to have a small wedding without your mum, but you have to accept that it was bound to upset her.

When you talk about your "new" family - just think back when you were your mum's "new" family.

I think you should apologise again and send her some flowers or whatever she likes and tell her that you didn't realise that she would be upset about it - ie you made an oversight.

Original poster
amazinggrace2001 · 13/06/2009 08:24

blimey thats a bit strong.

had had a long chat with my mum about it all this week. told her it was not my intention to upset her , despite skidoodles comments. we had had a meal with her and my DPs mum and step dad before we went off.

thanks hazeyjane for saying you had done something something similar and your mum had been the same- is your mum ok about it now?

OP posts:
5inthebed · 13/06/2009 08:26

I got married without any of my family there, only my friend and her DH as witnesses (and they got married at the same time as well) three weeks after I cancelled my big luxurious wedding. My reasoning was that my parents were in the middle of a horrible divorce and didn't want to be in the same room as each other let alone sit on the same table. An no, my mother was less than impressed with me, but now sees that it was for the best.

You did what you thought was right for you. Hopefully your mother will see that soon.

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 08:26

You should invite the people you love that would want to be there.

Or at least own your selfishness in excluding and upsetting people on purpose.

piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 08:27

'Are mothers more important than fathers then?'

There was no mention of fathers-it was mother and DPs mother. If they had been mentioned I think they were just as important. When you get a 'new' family you don't cast off the 'old' family.

Original poster
amazinggrace2001 · 13/06/2009 08:32

TBH i would also want my children to be able to get married how they wanted. yes i would be upset but think they should be able to make their own choices.

yes have apologised many times and given her flowers and suggested doing something on our own together.

OP posts:
bigchris · 13/06/2009 08:39

I don't really understand why you wouldn't want your own mother there anyway

You get your whole life to be alone with your dh, when the kids are in bed there are countless evenings togther, when they have left home and when you are rtired you hopefully will have years alone together

A wedding is one of very few occasions when you can make your immediate family and freiends happy by including them

Does it really take so much to have your own mother there, smiling on at you while you promise to love your dp for the rest of your life

For the sake of a few hours of her being there you could have made her so proud and happy.

I feel sad for her and if my dd doesn't want me at her wedding if she gets married I will also feel very too.

piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 08:39

It doesn't exactly compensate for being excluded from your only DCs wedding!

My husbands nephew did the same thing(registry office-2 witnesses from the street on a Monday morning) and told his parents afterwards, but he did at least then take all close family out to a really posh restaurant for dinner where we all dressed up and had toasts etc. That way it seemed a sensible solution that didn't exclude people.

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 08:43

Why are you apologising? You are not sorry. If you want to cut the apron strings you need to admit that.

Doing your own thing and then getting caught in a cycle of wheedly fake guilt is corrosive.

Making your own decisions to please yourself isn't a very hard thing to learn. Most 13 year olds are expert at it.

HuffwardlyRudge · 13/06/2009 08:45

My mum wasn't at my wedding either. We didn't invite anyone.

People are judging the OP based on their personal relationship with their own mother. I don't have a disfunctional, toxic relationship with my mother. We get on fine. I still didn;t see the need for her to be at my wedding and that is normal for us and our relationship. Clearly the OP didn't need her mum at her wedding either.

Original poster
amazinggrace2001 · 13/06/2009 08:46

skidoodle are you my conscience speaking?

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 08:49

'Making your own decisions to please yourself isn't a very hard thing to learn. Most 13 year olds are expert at it. '

Hopefully they then grow out of it and take other people into account.
I would have a special meal out with both Mums-all dress up and take photos etc.

Kimi · 13/06/2009 08:51

I can see why your mum is upset, I think mothers harbor dreams for their daughters wedding day from the moment the baby is born/

I can how ever see your point of view if you have been together a long time and already have children why make a big fuss about making it legal.

Can you appease her with a "wedding breakfast" type meal out now?

stoppinattwo · 13/06/2009 08:53

there is no should about how you invite to your wedding......nobody has any right to attend someones wedding,

If you dont want to offend/ upset someone then the list would be endless, why just include your mother?

Why do you need to worry about how is there and who isnt fgs.....video it and distribute the DVDs accordingly.....let people who want to be married with minimum fuss in their own way do it and feel no guilt about it...we spend so much of our lives putting people befroe us thinking of their feelings which is right.....but up there with giving birth ais getting married!!!!nobody bats an eyelid if you only want your DP at the birth of your child.....so why cant they get married without inviting everyone ??

hazeyjane · 13/06/2009 08:55

amazinggace2001, I think my mum is ok with it now.

I have heard about so many big weddings where family members are upset by the arrangements, that I think that no matter ho you do it, someone will be upset!

Everyone marries for different reasons, and has different families (and family complications!). For us our wedding was entirely about us, and yes i did want to be selfish, I had been very ill and we wanted to do something together to mark the end of a very bad year.

Skidoodle, are your relationships really that black and white?

stoppinattwo · 13/06/2009 08:55

god im crap at spelling when i type angry!!!!!

hazeyjane · 13/06/2009 08:57

"I can see why your mum is upset, I think mothers harbor dreams for their daughters wedding day from the moment the baby is born"

Yikes! I've never dreamed about a wedding day for myself, let alone my lo's, they might not even want to get married!

piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 09:01

'......nobody has any right to attend someones wedding,'

They don't but I think that you should treat other people as you would like to be treated-I don't think that many people could say, with absolute honesty, that they wouldn't feel a trifle hurt to be excluded from their own DCs wedding, even if they hid it well.
It is very easy to rectify-just have a special 'wedding breakfast' meal-either out or at home.

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 09:03

LOL @ "rights"

There really is a worrying tendency in this country fir everything to be reduced to what is legal.

Yes it is true that you do not have to invite your parents to your wedding by law. It is also true that most parents will feel upset by not being invited. Telling them about your unassailable legal position is not going to make them feel better.

VeraDuckworthsHandbag · 13/06/2009 09:03

Well there are two sides to this your's and your mothers

You see her as smothering so was this a chance to hurt and get back at her more then breaking away?
You must have had an idea of how much she and your husbands mother would be hurt, did you just not care?

You ran away for your "romantic" wedding day, I guess your mum sees this as tacky, Gretna Green after all is tacky.

You want time with your NEW family, um sorry there is nothing new about it, It is the same as it was the day before you got married, you had lived together and had the children so I see no point in the marriage at such a late stage TBH, it is not as if you are a young couple in love starting out on the road together, you have been there, done it and got the T shirt.

As it seems to be just to formalize things would it really have been so hard to go to the local registry office, invite parents and go for meal after?

How would you feel if your children grew up so selfish?

Original poster
amazinggrace2001 · 13/06/2009 09:56

it is interesting that a lot of people i have spoken to have said 'oh , i wish we had done that, our wedding was what my mum/ in laws wanted rather than what we wanted'.
depends on who you see the wedding is for? surely it is the two people making commitment to each other?

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 12:25

'surely it is the two people making commitment to each other? '

Yes -but is nice to include their nearest and dearest!

curiositykilled · 13/06/2009 12:31

It is not unreasonable for you to have the wedding you want or your mum to be upset she wasn't invited. It is done now though so your mum will just have to get over it, is there something you can do to help her feel better without you getting guilty over having the wedding you wanted?

If it makes you feel better we had our wedding (and paid for it all ourselves) exactly how my mum wanted even though it wasn't what i would have chosen (I'm not upset about this, I just wanted to be married) and she still got upset and stormed off after the ceremony. Think mums just always have mixed and complicated feelings about weddings whatever you do youjust have to spend some time doing damage control before, after or during! lol