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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that having only me, DP and our children at our wedding is OK?

163 replies

amazinggrace2001 · 13/06/2009 07:39

We got married last week at Gretna Green - we had booked it a few months ago and after a bit of soul searching thought it was better to just tell close family before we went rather than go and do it. We wanted to have just a quiet romantic wedding for just us and kids .the wedding was lovely and just how we wanted it.

My mum however is really upset and says she feels like she has been kicked in the stomach.she cant understand why we would not want to invite her and my DPs mum to the wedding.I have apologised for upsetting her a few times.

i can empathise how she feels but as we are 40ish think it is reasonable that we dont have to include her in everything, it is not like we are 18 and have eloped.

I am her only child and we have always been close although i think too close to the point of smothering rather than mothering. i would just like to create some boundaries around my 'new' family.

having no other siblings to have a moan about her to to see if it is her or I being unreasonable thought i would sound out people on here!

OP posts:
skidoodle · 13/06/2009 12:31

It is two people making a commitment to each other in public. For most people that public consists of their friends and family: the people they care about.

If you want your public witnesses to be strangers then, given the culture in which you grew up, you can assume that some of the people who care will wonder why you don't want them to witness such a special event. The witnessing is the thing that sets a marriage apart from a private commitment between two people.

So a wedding, by definition, is not just about the bride and groom, but also about the people they choose to witness their marriage.

I'm baffled by people who want strangers to act in this role, unless they just want the legal part and in that case why bother telling anyone? Do you tell everyone when you get your will drawn up?

I think people pretend they wish they'd run off to get married when they talk to people who've done that because it's an easy thing to say about an awkward and boring subject. Most people invite the people they love because they want them there.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/06/2009 12:43

you are the only child and you got married without your mum being there

obv up to you,but you have hurt and upset her, and i understand why

i personally could never have got married without my parents there

scottishmummy · 13/06/2009 12:46

Congratulations.what matters is you got the wedding you both wanted

not who sat where,speeches,or guests.you had the wedding you both wanted.sounds smashing

take mum and mil for lunch show them some photos discuss the wedding

too many people splash the cash on a frivolous frou-frou day. all meaningless irrelevant froth

what matters is the ability to happily raise a family do all the ordinary stuff together.

mummypig · 13/06/2009 12:53

Well this is always a contentious issue, but I don't see why a troll would bother posting about it.

Personally I do think a wedding is just about the two people getting married, but many many people have strong opposing views about this. You can see this from the responses here and on any similar threads. Other people's expectations of weddings - what you should and shouldn't do, and who you should or shouldn't invite - is the main thing that has always put me off doing it the accepted way.

So I think YANBU to think it was okay to do it your way. But you were perhaps more than a little naive to expect everyone to happily accept it when you then told them about it.

Hopefully in time your mum will accept that your wedding wasn't what she had wished for, but that it was the way you wanted it to be done.

lizziemun · 13/06/2009 12:55

Congrate on your wedding.

My sister did the same (apart from telling mum what she was doing). They went on 'holiday' to Jamica and got married. When my sister phoned to mum (i had already guessed what she was upto) mum was upset and said 'thats it i'never going to see my children married'.

I did point out she had seen my brother married twice and although i was 25 i might meet someone and get married at some point .

But what they did do is organise a reception/party a month or so later for everyone to come to, could you do something similar and involve you mum in the planning.

Thingiebob · 13/06/2009 12:58

Wow, there are some really vicious comments on here!

YANBU - Wedding ceremonies are deeply personal and it is entirely up to the bride and groom how they want to do it, however be prepared for people to be offended which is what has happened in your case.

You have apologised for any hurt caused and explained your reasons to the parents. They need to accept this and move on.

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 13:01

Having my family and friends at my wedding was not meaningless froth, it was what gave the day meaning and made it so special and memorable. They were my guests, so I had to pay for hosting them but I did it gladly because I was honoured that they wanted to share such a special occasion with my husband and me.

I can think of few things in life more worth spending money and time on than the start of a new family and the joining of two extended clans.

If you barely have any friends and can't get on with your family then perhaps it is possible to go through life just pleasing yourself and not seeing any reason to care about how other people feel.

Doesn't sound like any way to live though.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2009 13:05

you are a couple who chose what you wanted to do.people should respect that

doesn't make you selfish
doesnt mean you denied mum her special moment/big day.

do arrange a lunch or do at your house for both mum. a nice day and chat

Janos · 13/06/2009 13:21

I think YANBU and can't understand why some posters have been so unkind (putting it politely there).

When my mum and step-dad got married it was them, me and my sister. It was just want they wanted and a lovely, special day.

My Dad got married to my step-mum without telling me or my sister, I think perhaps we were mildly miffed but not that much put out (mind you that was 20 plus years ago)!

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 13:22

I really do not understand the point of these suggested lunches. It's over, the wedding is done and dusted and the hurt had been caused. Going on and on about it and having consolation events is far more fuss than just inviting her would have been.

Just let it drop now.

Janos · 13/06/2009 13:23

Mind you I have never 'dreamt' about attending my son's wedding (if indeed he has one) so perhaps I'm an oddball ;)

skidoodle · 13/06/2009 13:28

No Janos, you're meant to dream about little girls getting married. It's ok to have other aspirations for a son.

piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 13:31

'I think people pretend they wish they'd run off to get married when they talk to people who've done that because it's an easy thing to say about an awkward and boring subject. Most people invite the people they love because they want them there.'

I agree-people say it but given their time over again I bet they wouldn't do it in most cases.

I think that you ought to keep this thread for 20 or 30 yrs and then see how you feel. You might think that your mother was smothering (I would say half the mothers on mumsnet are-so she isn't alone!), but I can't think that you are going to be the opposite and wave your DCs off at 18 yrs and not want to be part of their lives any more.

It is really easy to put it right with the mums-if you care enough-(you don't even have to spend a lot)-you choose a summer Sunday and invite them around for a special lunch. You all dress up in the clothes that you wore at Gretna. You display the photos. The mums can buy a new outfit and you take lots of new photos and make it a really special day. That way you had your day the way that you wanted and they get to share it.

It seems the ideal solution to me, unless you just posted for people to agree with you and don't care that you upset your mother.
Buying her a bunch of flowers and having a day out on your own with her doesn't compensate but an extended wedding celebration would.

I would cherish her while you have her. I was really upset that my father had died by the time I got married-I couldn't possibly have excluded a living parent.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2009 13:36

you're meant to dream about little girls getting married.dont make me hurl

what marriage as a dream,an ambition

Gah

for youy daughter's

aspire to good education
enjoyable career and working life
being financially solvent
being financially independent

not fannying about in a white dress for one day

Janos · 13/06/2009 13:41

I wouldn't be dreaming about it for my daughter either though.

Not an 'anti-marraige' stance, but I just don't 'get' why people attach so much importance to weddings, having a big do etc.

piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 13:42

I don't think anyone is saying that she has to have a big white wedding!! A registry office and jeans would be quite OK as long as close family are invited. Having been up many a night mopping up sick with my DSs, and all the other trials and tribulations of bringing up children, as well as the joys I would like to be included on one of the most important days of their life!! Especially as I am the person who has most helped them to aquire:

aspire to good education
enjoyable career and working life
being financially solvent
being financially independent

Janos · 13/06/2009 13:42

IMO it is the marraige itself which is important not the 'do'.

If someone wants a big wedding and lots of people there than that's great, but the other way is fine too.

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/06/2009 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 13:44

A wedding at Gretna with the couple, their DCs and 2 mums wouldn't be a 'big do'.
There is no suggestion that it should be big. I hope my DSs have really small wedding-if they ever get married-as long as I am there.

piscesmoon · 13/06/2009 13:48

'Living vicariously through your children is utterly despicable behaviour. '

Word fail me!!! I think I will leave the thread. I wouldn't count being invited to your own DCs wedding (forget the big do-I don't care what sort of wedding it is),living vicariously through your DCs.

Does everyone hate their parents?

Thingiebob · 13/06/2009 13:49

By skidoodle on Sat 13-Jun-09 13:28:47
No Janos, you're meant to dream about little girls getting married. It's ok to have other aspirations for a son.

You're being tongue in cheek here, right?

Janos · 13/06/2009 13:49

Scottishmummy and SGM I'm in agreement with you on this one.

You know, if my DS got married and said Mum I would love you to come to wedding I'd be thrilled to bits. But if he went off and did it himself without telling me and it was what he wanted then that would be ok too, whatever my own personal feelings on the matter were.

It may never happen of course!

Janos · 13/06/2009 13:51

I might add that the thought of planning a wedding brings me out in absolute hives!!

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/06/2009 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy · 13/06/2009 13:52

i think the point being made is just because some mum's attribute meaning and value to a big do doesn't necessarily mean a child should too.and mum cant legitimately be disappointed if daughter chose not to have said big do

because hopefully as autonomous adults we are able to live the life we want

not the life our parents want

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