Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it strange that MIL is booking a family hols for her, DIL, DH and his brother and to not invite me and DD?

136 replies

dol1y · 12/06/2009 11:56

We get on pretty well and I don't think its a malicious attempt to exclude us it just seems a bit strange. It also means DH will have to use annual leave and I will be on my own with 5mo DD for the time they are away. DH will be expected to pay his share for the accommodation etc at a hotel - we are struggling to get a week away in Wales in a caravan over the summer! I don't think its malicious but it does seem a bit thoughtless. So... AIBU??

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 12/06/2009 13:00

sorry, that was sons' partners (for all the pedants out there)

skidoodle · 12/06/2009 13:02

I just don't get the "my husband makes his own decisions" thing wrt a couple with a 5 month old baby. They have a joint responsibility. One person making "their own decisions" in that situation is making a lot of unfair assumptions on the other person's behalf.

If you want time away, you have to ask and make up your time by giving the other person a break.

OP when is your week off?

scratchet · 12/06/2009 13:02

Absolutely not a prayer would my dh be swanning off on hols without me! Its just not acceptable. Your dh should be telling her no chance x

edam · 12/06/2009 13:08

Well done on starting an AIBU where everyone says 'no, of course not'! And I'm not going to change the tone.

Your dh needs to grow a backbone. Sounds like you will have to spell it out to him, though he should be able to work it out for himself. Completely unreasonable to expect to leave you to cope with baby on your own for a week, using up his annual leave, just to placate MIL in her very strange demands.

If you say 'no', do you think MIL will want to invite you along too, and would you go if that were the case?

Geekylass · 12/06/2009 13:08

Along the lines of what screamingabdab said - if you were a MIL would you exclude your DIL and grandchild from a family holiday? Would you think that was a really nasty thing to do, considering that your DIL would be on her own with a newish baby for a week? If you can put yourself in your MIL's place and still think her behaviour is utterly selfish then I think you know whether you're being unreasonable or not.

And no, for the record I don't think YABU one little bit

Poppity · 12/06/2009 13:08

How old is he to still be going on holiday with his Mummy and Daddy? Will he be taking his bucket and spade?

Dh would be horrified if his Mum tried to suggest they went on a holiday together as if they were still kids.

You may not want to make trouble, but I think with a MIL this controlling and overbearing you will have no choice but to Be Blunt.

Tortington · 12/06/2009 13:12

your dh sounds like a spineless wimp

has it not occured to him that his family is you and his daughter? that is his primary family - everything else is insignificant in comparison.

and i know you have tried to be nice to this MIL from hell who is QUEEN BEE - but seriously lady - you need to up your game - you have your family - YOU are queen bee

your DH cannot have two alpha females in his life - it won't work.

louii · 12/06/2009 13:17

Bloody hell, under no circumstances should your husband even be considering going on this holiday.
You should not have to tell him not to go, if he was any sort of a decent family man then he would refuse straight away.

LittleOneMum · 12/06/2009 13:19

I agree with what everyone has said, and YANBU but have a think about how you'd feel if it was you with your parents, maybe?

I just had a wicked long weekend away with my Mum and sister and left DS alone with DH for 3 days and we had a wonderful girly time. DH was very cool with this and said I deserved the break. It was definitely all about our original family unit... is that so bad?

In your case though the fact that he will be spending money on a holiday instead of one with you is unforgiveable though!

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/06/2009 13:25

If your DP goes on this holiday it will be the thin end of the wedge and he will go on holiday with them every year. Excluding you, your baby and any other subsequent children.

Your MIL needs to know that wat she is expecting is utterly unreasonable. Your DP needs to grow up, cut the apron strings and establish that his priority now is with you and your baby, not with his mother who is getting all nostalgic about when it was about the four of them.

It would be nice if your DP could have realised this for himself, I thhink the concern is now your DP is going to say to his mum 'oh dolly doesn't think it's a good idea' and then you have a lovely family row on your hands.

I would think that a family weekend would be enough, or a day out. But, actually, she should have invited you (not that I imagine you would want to go ).

mumeeee · 12/06/2009 14:49

YANBU. Her family unit has changed now. You should ask your DH to say that he can't go and leave you for a week.

Baisey · 12/06/2009 15:45

How utterly ridiculous.
Im amazed.
Original family unit my arse, what complete and utter bollocks. It sounds to me like she is deliberately trying to exclude you and show that she is the boss, she may as well piss in every corner of your house and be done with it. (or is it only male animals that do that??)
anyways... you need to show your DH this thread.

TheProvincialLady · 12/06/2009 15:55

Tell MIL that she can strip it right back to the original family unit and go on her holiday with her husband, as you will with yours.

I would kick my husband's arse from here to the luxury hotel of his choice if he even suggested going on this holiday.

BitOfFun · 12/06/2009 15:58

Hang on, hang on, everybody is giving the MIL a hard time here, but I think we've got to look at it from her point of view....

Only joking!
YADNBU
The woman is clearly a loon.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 12/06/2009 16:00

Your MIL is mad.

The reason you and she get on, is because you have been deferring to her madnissssss.

As soon as you stop doing so, you will cease to get on. But you have to stop doing so, because she is mad and if you don't, you will live a mad life.

nowwearefour · 12/06/2009 16:00

my goodness. i cant believe that your dh or you are even beginning to entertain this ludicrous idea. does your dh not care about leaving his baby for a week? what an absolute imposition and how utterly weak of a) your dh for not immediately saying no what a ridiculous idea and b) you for not making dh do a). you are obv a lovely, kind, caring person. but i think your priorities are to your dd now so yo uneed to get a bit stronger or she will lose out not just you and dh. do this and she will expect it time and time again. i just cannot believe it. how utterly awful for you.

aGalChangedHerName · 12/06/2009 16:01

Is our DH thinking about going?? God i would hope my DH would tell his mother to bog off tbh.

womma · 12/06/2009 16:01

YANBU but MIL is.

Original poster
dol1y · 12/06/2009 16:02

Sorry been away from the thread for a while - Baisey - laughing at the analogy of MIL peeing all over our house! When DH gets back from work it's time to have a bit of a chat about this. I do think that DH needs to learn to stop pandering to his Mum's tantrums and strange ways. She gets so offended by almost anything and the boys have always just accepted that is how she is and nobody ever challenges her or pulls her up on it. The only person that I confide in about all her bizarre behaviour is my mum who is mortified. She always says she can't understand how DH is related to her. I desperately want to keep the peace though - family is so important to me and I would never want any bad feeling to spoil things. I do feel like I've offloaded on here though and got a jury's verdict on whether this is just weird so thanks everyone!

OP posts:
ruddynorah · 12/06/2009 16:04

absolutely no way. have you told him you are unhappy about this? you need to set things up from now. this is MILs first grandchild and first DIL, she maybe doesn't realise how totally inappropriate this is.

how much will he be spending on this holiday? you must tell him that after his holiday you will be spending the same amount of money on a holiday with your mum/friend/sister/whoever. and he will have your baby for the week. he will of course think you are mad.

screamingabdab · 12/06/2009 16:06

Congratulations on having one of the few united AIBUs !

LOL @ herbeatitude

Lucia39 · 12/06/2009 16:09

Have to agree with the majority of comments. Your husband sounds like someone who has probably become "easy going" because it made it easier to live with an overbearing mother!

He needs to sort his priorities out - he's a big boy now. You also need to stand up to her - OK she may detest you for a while [or even for ever] but so what? You married her son not her!

aGalChangedHerName · 12/06/2009 16:09

Just read thread. You are not in a good place with your M-I-L at all love. She is taking the piss and you are allowing her to walk all over you.

As for your DH?? How old is he? Why on earth would he want to go on holiday with mum and dad??

fucksticks · 12/06/2009 16:13

She sounds barking.
Get DH to tell her that he has a certain number of days holiday entitlement to use and he is saving them for a holiday with you and DD.
Plus you cant afford for him to have 2 holidays.

Only options would be for MIL to pay and you ALL to go along if she REALLY wants him there

OR

Tell DH that you are off for a week with your Mum without him and that he is to look after DD alone for the week.
If he says you cant afford it or that he doesnt have enough holidays from work, then say that you understand and that NEITHER of you will take individual holidays then, just to make it fair

Mutt · 12/06/2009 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.