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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want people to I don't know to touch my baby?

90 replies

supagirl · 08/06/2009 14:28

WHY when I am out and about with my dd who is 1, do total starngers think it's ok to come up and touch her.

Yes, she's adorable, I am very proud of her and happy for you to come over and interact with her, but WHY do you have to touch her????

I am fed up with people grabbing her hands, touching her face, tickling her and one lady even put her finger in her mouth!!!! I don't know you, I don't know if you've washed your hands after using the loo or whatever and you are total strangers to my dd so PLEASE respect her personal space a little!

I have had this with all my LO's and have not yet figured out a way to stop it from happening. Now I am pg again and have people touching my bump AS WELL which I also don't like!

Does this bug other people or aibu?

SG

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 08/06/2009 14:31

a stranger putting their fingers in her mouth is not acceptable. But I think other stuff: patting heads, stroking cheeks, tickling etc is ok - it's very hard not to touch kids sometimes, especially if they are especially cute. I always, always stroke children's hair - i can't resist.

As long as it is done with affection I can't see any harm in it.

Imagine if nobody noticed your kid?

mrsruffallo · 08/06/2009 14:34

I never minded people touching my children when they were babies.
The situations sound a bit strange- I never had anyone grab their hands, tickle them or stick their fingers in their mouths.

I didn't mind a gentle stroke of the hair. face, or holding a finger.

Never had a stranger touch my bump either, although I can understand the urge to do it

PavlovtheCat · 08/06/2009 14:35

But its not her personal space they are invading, its yours!

We had this with DD, i loved the fact that everyone adored DD, and lapped it up on the assumption that when she was 3, no-one would want to go near her! Not true as she still gets a lot of attention as she is too darn cute for her own good (deliberately of course, she knows what people like).

DH on the other hand dislikes it with a passion. He was fed up before 6mths as it distracted him from shopping etc!

Bettymum · 08/06/2009 14:38

YANBU. I would never, never touch a stranger's child because I wouldn't want a stranger touching my child. Saying hello to a child or giving her a smile is nice, sticking your fingers in her mouth is definitely not on.

katiestar · 08/06/2009 14:40

Putting fingers in a baies mouth is definitely unacceptable ,but the other stuff is Ok.When i studied child development ,they said that the sense of touch is the main way the baby experiences the world and certainly my own 4 babies loved being stroked and tickled by people.

Original poster
supagirl · 08/06/2009 15:01

I am surprised so many people think it's ok, maybe iabu.... but I still don't feel at all comfortable with it tbh.

Pavlov, it IS her space they are invading as it's her they are poking and prodding not me (except the bump bit but that was an aside really)

Katiestar I agree with you about the touch thing and I have no problem at all with dd being touched/tickled by people we know. She has lots of interaction with friends and family, it's just strangers I object to.

Bettymum, glad it's not JUST me who feels this way. Perhaps I am in the minority, but I am genuinely surprised that so many people think it's ok.

Interesting to hear peoples thoughts though

SG

OP posts:
LadyOfWaffle · 08/06/2009 15:06

I had a young guy who was working in Tesco kiss my DS when he was about 6m! I don't think he could get over how cute he was Fingers in mouth - OTT but TBH I think the other stuff is pretty normal, esp. touching thier hands/cheeks

Stayingsunnygirl · 08/06/2009 15:10

I wouldn't dream of putting my fingers in a baby's mouth (unless it was my own baby or I knew for sure that the parents were ok with it). Last week, I stopped to admire a little baby in the supermarket, and I asked if it was ok before I touched the baby.

That said, I can't remember people asking if they could touch my dses when they were babies, and I don't recall ever being upset by this.

SingingBear · 08/06/2009 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

InmyheadIminParis · 08/06/2009 15:42

I think UAB a bit U. Have you tried to look at it another way? Isn't it a nice sign of community / humanity / whatever that people still want to up to welcome little ones? I wish people whould take as much interest in older children... but that's probably best left to another thread .

Original poster
supagirl · 08/06/2009 16:00

hmmmmmmm - I have no problem with people smiling at, waving at, talking to, doing peekaboo with dd. I think it's great that people take an interest and dd loves it.

It's only the tickling/grabbing etc that I don't like.

Imhiip - I do agree with you about the older kids. It is annoying when people are gushing over dd and ignoring the other 3, who then start acting up to get a bit of attention.....but yes, another thread probably!

SG

OP posts:
dorisbonkers · 08/06/2009 16:17

I think you are being a little bit U. But I do understand that you also want space for you and your little girl (congratulations).

I have a 7 month old and she gets lots of strokes and tickles from strangers and I wear her in a wrap -- so I kind of feel people are stepping into my zone and ignoring me to get to my daughter.

But even though it takes me aback, I like it. My daughter's part of society even though she is little and it's nice to have some members of society acknowledge her in a nice, friendly way -- even if it briefly feels like a bit of an invasion. She seems to like it and smiles and has never cried.

I have recently moved from Singapore and the aunties go clucky mad and touch crazy over my daughter so I got used to it and fast. I even could eat my dim sum in a regular haunt by myself without having to juggle her on my lap as the waiters and waitresses would steal her off me.

I wouldn't be crazy about people sticking their fingers in her mouth, but that's never happened.

OrmIrian · 08/06/2009 16:23

Fingers in mouth is a bit off.

Otherwise can't you be grateful that they like your child so much. Beleive not everyone finds babies 'adorable'

And no it doesn't/didn't bug me.

GreenMonkies · 08/06/2009 16:57

No, YANBU.

It's one of the reasons I like rear-facing pushchairs and slings, people are (slightly) less likely to invade your personal space than they are a childs. (children are somehow "public property" )

As for your bump, you can get t-shirts that say "hands off" etc, it used to really annoy me too, I mean, no one would rub your belly if you weren't pregnant, why would they think it's ok to do it just because you are??

On a tangent, you have 3 older DC's, a one year old DD and a visable bump already, blimey, you're really going for it aren't you!!??!!!! (have you figured out what's causing it? .......I bet you're sick of that comment too!!!)

GreenMonkies · 08/06/2009 17:04

Dorisbonkers when your DC is in a sling/wrap it's actually quite easy to subtley move so that strangers can't touch your baby, a slight turn of your body or a little side step and suddenly the baby is slightly out of reach, I found it worked for me anyway. You can make it look as if you are doing it so that they can see the baby better!

Same goes with a rear facing pushchair/pram, it's very easy to position yourself so that you are "in the way" and the random stranger can see your baby but not lean in and touch them.

chandellina · 08/06/2009 17:39

agree that they are little members of society and it's nice for people to interact them. Though another mum or a kindly old lady is very different to some scruffy man smelling of booze reaching out for my little guy in his buggy. (which has happened)

on holiday in South Africa, he was regularly whisked away by restaurant staff, shop girls, etc. and everyone wanted to say hello it seemed.

I thought it was actually quite nice for him to get so much attention and he certainly enjoys it wherever he can get it.

dawntigga · 08/06/2009 17:39

YANBU am still finding a way around people touching ds but when I was pregnant I use to ask people if I looked like Bhudda or just gave of a Bhuddaish vibe when they touched me without asking. They don't tend to do it twice

dxx

discoball · 08/06/2009 17:48

Have to say fingers in mouth totally unacceptable. Maybe playing peek a boo is okay as it's non-contact, but I have to agree with you that I don't like people touching my baby as you don't know their personal hygience, etc. And I certainly don't like people (or rather didn't) like people touching my bump unless it's a close family member who knows me well - it is your personal space and strangers have no right to touch your bump. Sorry, but I'm with Supagirl on this one - don't really care if people think I'm over-reacting - it's my baby and my body!!!! Rant over.

DrNortherner · 08/06/2009 17:52

Oh we are just so British aren't we?! This thread would not happen in a Mediterranean country.

sweetnitanitro · 08/06/2009 17:56

I didn't want people touching my bump but I am fine with people touching DD as long as they ask first (and they usually do). They normally hold her hand or stroke her face or whatever. She LOVES it, she's always smiling at people and is a very social baby. If she didn't like it then I wouldn't let people do it. Putting fingers in a baby's mouth is a bit though.

I don't think YABU though, she's your baby and it's up to you whether you want people touching her or not.

OrmIrian · 08/06/2009 17:57

disco - I think bumps are not the same as babies. Adults don't tend to appreciate being touched by other adult strangers. Babies don't care - generally it's their parents that don't like it.

piscesmoon · 08/06/2009 17:58

There was a very similar thread only a short while ago. I agree with DrNorthern-this thread would only be started in Britain. We complain that people don't like DCs but as soon as they try and interact they are in trouble!! Obviously I don't agree with fingers in the mouth, but I think it is lovely for your baby otherwise-they should be part of society and not in a plastic bubble.

shootfromthehip · 08/06/2009 18:00

I'm shaking my head in disbelief- what is wrong with someone you don't know being affectionate towards your child? It's not malicious or in anyway inappropriate but genuine delight at the reaction that it provokes.

I wish that culturally we would all chill out a bit and start enjoying simple pleasures the way that people do in mainland Europe.

piscesmoon · 08/06/2009 18:02

I used to love the attention that my DCs got in different countries-DS3 had fine, sticking up hair and he always got his head stroked by waiters!

OrmIrian · 08/06/2009 18:05

This argument has come up so often. Before I joined MN I used to play with little toes and fingers and enjoy the reaction from the baby - watching as their attention was gained, and then for their gaze to move from my hands to my face when they realised the touch was a real smiling person. And then concentrate on my face and then break into a toothless dribbly grin.

I don't do it now. As I have realised that some mums think I might hurt their child or give it some vile disease

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