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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
cheshirekitty · 01/06/2009 19:40

Macherie, you sound like a lovely caring mother. Your sil sounds as if she could have done with a caring mother in her formative years.

YANBU. How about treating your dc to a weekend away (like Disneyland Paris) whilst the wedding takes place.

This almost makes me want to get married again so I can have your dd as my bridesmaid in her lovely dress!!

motherpi · 01/06/2009 19:43

No, I don't think that. I think that the OP gets to make the decision whether she and dh go to the wedding, or whether dh goes alone.

The dd will not have hurt feelings, because I assume (hope) that OP will not tell her she wasn't invited.

WinkyWinkola · 01/06/2009 19:46

I can understand people wanting weddings with no children. And many parents would prefer no children with them too.

But it's v. odd indeed to have the cut off point of six. Weird and random IMO.

Of course, it's the bride's choice but it would be more normal to have all kids or none at all.

So, I would say to my DCs none of them were invited so that your poor 5 yo doesn't feel completely ostracised. Yes, it's her wedding but up to you how you play it.

Ponders · 01/06/2009 19:50

motherpi, "The dd will not have hurt feelings, because I assume (hope) that OP will not tell her she wasn't invited."

But they've all known about this wedding & talked about it for ages - the OP had already bought her DD a beautiful dress. How to explain that she

a) won't be wearing it &

b) won't be going at all???

(& don't say they shouldn't have assumed they were all invited, who wouldn't in these family circs?)

Ponders · 01/06/2009 19:52

Much less odd to have had a cut-off between school-age & pre-school, I'd have thought (ie no under-5s) - under-6 does seem aimed specifically at OP's DD

Voltaire · 01/06/2009 19:54

I think the bride concerned is aware that it's divisive to the family concerned. Some brides really are better off getting married in the Dominican Republic.

motherpi · 01/06/2009 19:55

I'm sure that OP will come up with a prefect explanation. The treat idea seemed good - they all get to go on a day out to the zoo/beach/grandparents.

I don't think that the SIL is being reasonable, and leaving it so late to tell OP about The Rule is downright rude. I just think OP is being unreasonable to take it all so personally.

motherpi · 01/06/2009 19:57

Lots of people seem to think that 'under-five' or 'over-one' is an acceptable cut off. Do they also think that if one of OP's dc fell into that new category, she wouldn't be posting here?

Heated · 01/06/2009 19:58

Book that holiday!

Be unavailable for freebie childcare.

And if you show your dh this thread, STEP UP TO THE MARK, MAN-MOUSE.

Kimi · 01/06/2009 20:09

What a bitch.
Book a holiday and don't go to the stupid womans wedding.

spicemonster · 01/06/2009 20:19

How could you not take it personally if your husbands sister didn't invite one of your kids to their wedding?

Original poster
macherie · 01/06/2009 20:27

Some of the posts have really made me laugh, love the idea of having a party for all MN under 6s on that day - really we should do that, 'National Under 6s day of fun to spite mean aunties' or something like that.
I'll organise it as I'll be at a loose end that day

Motherpi, I appreciate your input, I had anticipated more opinions like yours and I do see yor point. I suppose my difficulty is that by making that arbitrary cut off point she is excluding only 4 children, but causing a lot of upset and bad-feeling in the process.

I am pretty strict with my dc where bad behaviour/manners are concerned, so I'm fairly confident they will all behave, and what I had expected to happen at the wedding, as has happened at all other occassions with this family, is that I am the one who ends up looking after all the children, making sure they all have food/drinks, cutting up meat, bla, bla you know all the stuff that the other parents couldn't be bothered to do.

Someone made a good point that if she had come to me earlier, and said that this was what she was going to do, then (a) I wouldn't have been so taken aback when the invitation arrived and (b) would never have discussed the wedding with the dc, so they would have had no expectation of attending.

But what really bothers me is that the bride is herself the mother of a 10 year old girl who is bursting with excitement about this wedding, about what she's wearing, that she's singing during the ceremony, etc., but the bride does not seem to have considered the hurt she will cause to another little girl, her own brothers child, who does not have the emotional capacity to understand arbitrary age cut off points, but will simply see that she is the only one in the family who is not allowed to participate in all the fun.

That simply seems to me to be so unnecessarily cruel. `

OP posts:
Original poster
macherie · 01/06/2009 20:36

Cheshirekitty, you hit the nail on the head about dh's family.

MIL is a very cold and lacking in empathy, and it is almost chilling to see how she has passed on her(lack of) mothering skills to her two daughters.

I would feel so ashamed if one of my children behaved in such an cruel manner to a member of their own family, but apparently MIL didn't bat an eyelid over it.

OP posts:
clam · 01/06/2009 20:43

I'm dying to know what your DH said to her about it last night? Or didn't he broach the subject?

mamas12 · 01/06/2009 20:46

Really macherie sorry but your dh should not go on his own.
How can he condone this cruelty aimed towards his family. How can he go I just don't understand that standpoint at all.
All or no 0ne. It is a deal breaker. |I think you will regret the decision of a split in the future. Stand together and don't let them bully you. You are in the right here.

Original poster
macherie · 01/06/2009 20:53

Mamas12, I agree with you, I would LOVE dh to stand up for dd and not go, but I can't see it happening.

He says he will talk to her, not quite sure what he's going to say yet (we'll talk about it when all the dc are in bed).

He is appalled at the idea that mumsnet thinks he has no balls, so that has spurred him into action

God, I'm sick and tired of the whole thing already. I'm so over weddings!

OP posts:
pigsinmud · 01/06/2009 20:57

My dh wouldn't go. We were invited to dh's step-brother's wedding as long as we didn't bring our children - ds1 was 2 and ds2 was 5 weeks. Step-mother said children would ruin the service. So we only went to the evening event... only to discover there was another couple there with a toddler and they'd been to the service!

I know it's the bride's day blah blah, but why would someone care about a bit of noise during their wedding? I went to a few Spanish weddings when I was younger with previous partner and there were loads of children and it was great. To me it's a sign of how bloody anti-children we are in this country.

I've never "got" weddings. Dh & I got married when ds1 was almost 1 - we decided on a Thursday and got married the following Tuesday.

Voltaire · 01/06/2009 21:01

Macherie - Tell Bridezilla you have a cut off and only go to the weddings of those under 25. Sorry, but that's your rule.

earlyriser · 01/06/2009 21:02

Bonkers, we just got married and there were 17 children there (60 adults) between the ages of under 2 to 14 (13 of them under 5) it was fantastic, no child ruined the ceremony and they all had a ball at the reception. It wouldn't have been the same without them there.

So yanbu, i'd use the money you'd have spent on the wedding to go on holiday and let your children be children.

mamas12 · 01/06/2009 21:08

Good luck for tonight and working out a plan for a UNITED FAMILY front.
Well done for showing him this thread, hey dh macherie show your family you love and respect them and stick up for them, all of them, you will get your reward. I believe in Karma in a big way.

Original poster
macherie · 01/06/2009 23:15

So, if anyone still cares about this sad and sorry tale, here's what happened:

DH: So, why is dd not invited to the wedding?

SIL:I only want the ds's there for (her)dds sake, I don't want younger children there - they're too needy

DH: but you realise you are putting us in a really difficult position - how are we going to explain to dd that her brothers can go, but she can't?

SIL: Well then don't bring ds1 &ds2 You didn't invite me to your wedding

DH: We didn't invite anyone to our wedding ceremony, we invited you to the reception. Anyway, you came to the ceremony, and nobody minded.

SIL: well, this is my wedding. SLAMS DOWN PHONE

So there you go

Feeling pretty about it all.

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 01/06/2009 23:18

bridezilla

hunkermunker · 01/06/2009 23:21

It's revenge then, for not being invited to the ceremony of your wedding? I thought it might be, given that she came along anyway.

What's DH going to do?

thumbwitch · 01/06/2009 23:22

although I have some sympathy with the whole "it's the bride's day" and if she doesn't want DC there than that's up to her etc., what your SIL has done is just wrong. That is horribly divisive and just plain rude - why set the cut off at 6 when she knows your DD is 5? She could have set the cutoff at 5 and then your DD would have been included. What a vile thing to do. There isn't that much difference between a 5 and a 6yo; and even if the problem is that they know about 20 5yos, you're still FAMILY.

Crapola situation - let your DH decide if he wants to go without you but if it were me, I wouldn't be going.

ingles2 · 01/06/2009 23:22

Oh FFS! What a loon! The worst case of Bridzillaitis with bitterness and resentment from 10 yrs ago thrown in as well!
So what have you decided as a family?
( hoping that you're all going to give it a miss)