to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

[macherie]

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

she set the cut off at 6 specifically so OP's dd couldn't go...too needy dyk!

ooh, just read the update - SOD HER! Don't any of you go.

Ah, so it was resentment from 10 years ago then. How bloody sad.

10 years ago? Jesus!

So she does want your boys there just to amuse her dd & stop her being "needy" (Jesus! again!)

I hope your DH is going to refuse to indulge her after that conversation

At least your dd isn't the only child excluded so that would make me feel a bit better. I still wouldn't let my ds's go and I would expect my dh to not go too. He is married to you, not his sister or his mother and his loyalty should be with you and his youngest child. I admire how laid back you are being about truly offensive behaviour - your dh as well as your SIL. I hope your dh sees sense. If he goes then your SIL will bring up that fact for evermore and at every opportunity.

Good God. I cannot believe someone would keep such a resentment brewing for 10 years, and then seek her revenge by excluding a small child

I am so sorry for you & your DH macherie. This is an incredibly difficult situation for you both, but if I were you I would do everything I could to keep my DC away from this vile woman, family or not.

I do not say that lightly, as I have an extemely 'difficult' older sister, and have spent the last 25 years doing everything I can to keep the peace, not upset her, etc. I have now come to the realisation (with the help of some fab MNers) that life really is just too bloody short. You don't need this woman in your life, and your DC most certainly don't.

Good luck, I really hope that this situation does not cause you too much stress or sadness.

in that case just tell her to feck off. she doesn't deserve to have you as guests. How terrible her DD is so "needy" that she has had to invite your DSs to keep her amused (and out of SILs way?) when she didn't want to

I am loving the suggestion of running a story of "heartbroken 5 yo has gorgeous dress but no wedding to go to due to selfish aunt", I'm sure you would get some offers

aha, so it IS about your wedding. oh well, you have your answer. how's dh about it? and Mil etc?

thread moving fast

Isn't it incredible that someone could carry that around for so long!

I'm stunned.

So is dh.

Obv, I won't be going, nor will the children.

I'll let dh stew on it for a while.

I am a slow writer so I was writing my post when you were writing yours macherie. If that was my SIL (and it could be from her behaviour) there is absolutely no way I would sit back and let my dh go to her wedding. I really hope that he sees sense and I also hope that you do not do any more childcare for your selfish and self-centred shitty SIL.

We didn't invite anyone to our wedding because we had no money, and were doing it all on the tightest possible budget. I didn't even have a new dress for the occassion.

SIL is marrying a very wealthy man, wearing Vivienne Westwood, and using a five year old girl to get revenge.

SAd, sad, sad.

I think your DH needs to think carefully about it. On the one hand, it has the potential to screw up things with his family for some time to come. But how genuine has his relationship with them been if his sister could harbour such resentment (I hesitate to say malice, but really, she's taking out her frustration on a five-year-old - so malicious, yes)?

On the other hand is your five-year-old, who has done nothing to deserve being used as a pawn in this bizarre bridezilla's act of revenge - so I am going to err on the side of DH not going and being very calm about why not - it's his sister's wedding, but he will not pander to her ridiculous power trip games that involve upsetting children.

thanks for your support.

The thing is, her dd was very unhappy at school, and I pulled all the strings I could to get her into our lovely school, where she is in the same class as ds1.

So it's my own bloody fault I'll have to see the cow twice a day for at least the next 2 years.

how many of these four children would be excluded if the rule was moved to under-5?

it's probably unconscious, the punishing of you via your daughter etc. i'd suggest you ignore the weirdness and try to out-manoeuvre her. if asking 'oh please please can you make it under-5 rather than under-6?' will let dd go and still cut out more 'needy' children, that's a much easier proposition to get her to change her mind. face-saving all round, potentially.

I'm not going to push dh on not going, his family is so messed up anyway - parents divorced VERY acrimoniously, his brother hasn't spoken to the father in years, so neither will attend family occassions if the other is there.

Dh is like me - just wants a quiet life where everyone gets along.

Would like some advice about what to tell the ds's? The truth??

The boys had a great weekend with SILs dd and another cousin, and, get this, SIL suggested to DS1 that we all meet up in the park tomorrow!! obv, this is before her blow up with DH.

It sounds more like she wants to exclude somebody from Macherie's family because they "excluded" her from their wedding, so I doubt she'd budge, but I agree if there's any face-saving that could possibly be done, do give it a go. This sort of thing has ongoing implications for family harmony and it's definitely best to get it sorted pre-event.

Aitch, wild horses wouldn't drag me to the wedding. She basically told dh that the only reason she wanted the boys there was to entertain her dd. Not because they are her nephews and she loves them and wants them to share her day.

What has her husband to be said about all this?

Can you offer to take her DD out for the day, since you'd hate for her "perfect day" be ruined by her being "needy"?

I find it hard to believe that any supposed 'sane' adult would wait ten years and use an innocent five year old child, to get revenge for a perceived slight over your wedding. In the circumstances you have now explained, not only would myself and DCs not be going, neither would DH. He has a responsibility to stand up for and support his DW and DCs. Ultimately, they should be more important to him than his sister or even his parents. If my DH did not support me and our DCs in these circumstances, I would seriously question his commitment to our family.

She (SIL) is an evil b*£ch.

Cornsilk, I'd say he doesn't give a damn about who's there as long as there is enough beer.