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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that ds1 & ds2 invited to SILs wedding but not dd?

629 replies

macherie · 31/05/2009 20:43

Sorry, I know the no children at weddings thing has been done to death, but I'm really upset about this.

I have no siblings, only a few cousins, so family weddings are a VERY rare occurance on my side. Dh has 3 siblings, 2 married years, so SILs wedding has been a big event on the horizon, lots of talk of dresses etc.

I see SIL every day as our DC go to the same school, and she never gave any indication that was intending to do this.

The invitation arrived 2 weeks ago, inviting me, dh, ds1(11) & ds2(9). No mention of dd who is 5. I called dh and we decided it must be a mistake, he said he would talk to her about it, which he did today, and no dd cannot go, they decided no under 6s were allowed.

Of course, it is her wedding and she gets to decide, blah, blah, blah.

DD will be so hurt if we tell her the truth, as will her brothers. What am I to do - get the 4 of us all dressed up and leave her at home with a babysitter?

I am inclined to book us all a holiday for that week just to avoid the hassle.

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 01/06/2009 13:46

I agree with the poster who said you should all go to the wedding and then leave before the meal. DD gets to wear her lovely dress, see the bride etc and DH also gets to be at the wedding - yet you display a united front about your DD not being invited.

Maybe your DH might agree to this compromise?

JessJess3908 · 01/06/2009 14:30

Have you thought about dressing DD up as a flower girl and sending her down the aisle after your SIL?

Rindercella · 01/06/2009 15:39

I am sorry your DH didn't step up to the mark in discussing this with his sister. Confrontation can be sooo difficult (well, I find it so), but this is his DD who has been excluded and surely any loyalty he feels should be with her (and with you).

I know many posters are suggesting turning up at the church with DD, but personally I could not do that knowing that DD was not invited. It could also make it really awkward when people ask why you're not going to the reception and you having to say because DD wasn't invited - potentially within her earshot. Just imagine how the poor girl would feel. Far better, imo, is your idea to go out for a lovely day - as a family, i.e. including your DH. It was a great suggestion someone made earlier to formally RSVP saying that you wish them well but will not be able to attend because of DD's lack of invite.

Also, I really hope that after this you do not put yourself out to babysit her DC or to help her out at all. This is a nasty vindictive thing she has done - who knows for why - you're best keeping her at arms length from now on.

2rebecca · 01/06/2009 15:59

I wouldn't go uninvited to anyone's wedding. That is just being awkward and rude, if you love your husband then deliberately upsetting his family seems very disfunctional, just because his sister is being thoughtless doesn't mean you have to be rude. The church service might be the bit SIL particularly wants no young kids at anyway, although you could get your husband to clarify that.

pamelat · 01/06/2009 17:00

I think you should show your DH this thread.

ingles2 · 01/06/2009 17:43

I've changed my mind since my earlier response
if your dh hasn't got balls to find out why Macherie, you'll have to grow some!
Phone your sil and ask her!
Doing it on the phone is good because you can prepare what you are going to say without actually facing her.
Say something like
SIl, I've heard dd isn't invited to wedding... can I ask why?
She says... no under 6's bla bla
you say, but surely you would make an exception for your niece who you see every day of the week and who will be so upset when she discovers you don't want her at your wedding!.......

bigchris · 01/06/2009 17:45

I think you should show SIL this thread

Rialentless · 01/06/2009 17:48

No way are YBU! She is.

Your poor DD, gorgeous dress too.

When DS1 was approx 4 we were invited to BILs wedding but DS1 was not. DHs DCs and his ex were invited though. I am afraid to say we left after the photos but before the meal as MIL had already shoved to us the back of the church and sat with XW in the front pew, I then found out we were expected to sit on the same table as XW for the meal, and I couldn't cope with it without having my DS there. I really wish we hadn't gone because I looked such a pillock getting upset and sobbing, but I felt like DS and I just weren't considered to be "family". The flower girl wasn't family either. we went to another wedding a couple of weeks later, and DS1 wore his suit and behaved wonderfully, it was a very child-inclusive day and was much nicer than BILs. We have been invited to DS2s godfathers wedding in autumn, as far as I know he has lots of GCs but no family children, and he has invited all of us

It is a shame you DH isn't backing you on this one, I can't decide if he should go alone or take your other DCs with him.

Rindercella · 01/06/2009 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

motherpi · 01/06/2009 18:45

You are taking this far too personally. She is not excluding your dd - she is excluding all six-year-olds. It is her day and she gets to make that decision.

As for all the suggestions of 'go along anyway' or 'get dd to ask her why she is not invited' - that is appalling behaviour and I do hope you are not considering it.

motherpi · 01/06/2009 18:51

under six-year-olds, of course!

kitkatqueen · 01/06/2009 18:59

I actually did go to a friends wedding without an invite however... The situation was that the new MIL had insisted that it only be family in the church, the bride and groom didn't want it that way and so told all of their friends that it was an open ceremony and anyone was allowed to turn up (nod nod wink wink) iyswim? Consequently the seating in the tiny church was filled with the family, once they had all filed in everyone else sneaked in the back. It was literally standing room only.

I think tbh I would ring your SIL, ask her outright why your dd isn't invited and tell her that your dd is going to feel v rejected by her auntie if she can't come and also that you yourself will not be attending if you dd doesn't as there is no possibility of childcare and you either come as a family or stay away as a family.

If I really couldn't face ringing I would actually write her a letter explaining the situation from dd's point of view and say something to the effect of "I am sure that you haven't left her off the list on purpose, as I know you would never intentionally cause her that sort of distress, but she is going to be terribly upset and if you really feel that she should not come with the rest of her family then unfortunatly we will not be coming either"...

Failing all of that print this thread and shove it through her door

ingles2 · 01/06/2009 19:02

How is it not personal Motherpi? If this bridezilla had any sense at all she would see that it
a/ causes upset to the dd who is not a baby
b/ causes upset within the family...who is meant to look after dd whilst the rest of the family is off having a jolly old time without her?
c/smacks of being personal... as others have said... why the random age of 6?.
Doesn't make sense at all, is ridiculous and mean.
And it's all very well saying "her day, her decision", but it's worth bearing in mind that this decision may well cause upset within a family for years!

motherpi · 01/06/2009 19:21

Why not the random age of six? It's not just the OP's dd that can't go, and no doubt everyone could give a plausible reason why their dc should be invited. The bride and groom do not want under-sixes there. ANY under-sixes! Yes, it may cause problems, but surely the OP's dh can go alone or the three children could have a fun day with the grandparents whilst the OP and DH go.

This is their day - not yours or anyone else's. If you don't like it; don't go.

islandofsodor · 01/06/2009 19:25

Which is pretty much the advice being given. Don't go.

I know that my 5 year old ds would be devastated if he thought me, dh, his elder sister and his grandparents were going to an event that he was not. Heartbroken.

The feelings of my child are far more important than those of a Bridezillah.

LucyTownsend · 01/06/2009 19:27

Are you SIL motherpi?

Rindercella · 01/06/2009 19:31
Voltaire · 01/06/2009 19:31

Where and when is this wedding? I think all Mumsnetters should send their unaccompanied under sixes to the wedding. It would be marvellous.

spicemonster · 01/06/2009 19:32

I could understand (a bit) if your DD was some distant relative but she's her niece! Either invite everyone in a family or no one. I think it's utterly bizarre behaviour.

Rindercella · 01/06/2009 19:32

PMSL @ Voltaire

motherpi · 01/06/2009 19:33

No Lucy!!

I do feel strongly that OP is making the wedding day about her and her dc, whereas (the day itself) should be focused on the choices of the bride and groom.

Voltaire · 01/06/2009 19:34
motherpi · 01/06/2009 19:36

I'm really not - but that is lovely.

Rindercella · 01/06/2009 19:38

So motherpi, you think a 5 year old child's feelings should be hurt for the sake of one day in a couple's lives?

I could not do that to a (supposed dear) niece should I be getting married, and neither would I want my DD to know a thing about this exclusion should this have happened to us. Either the whole family is invited or not. It's neither no children or all are included. You can't just invite 80% of a family & bugger the other 20% (that 20% being a little girl).

spicemonster · 01/06/2009 19:39

Of course the day should be focused on the bride and groom. But when I throw a party (even if it is about me, me, me) I also think about what will make my guests happy. Part of being a good host isn't it? And not inviting your brother's youngest child to the party is pretty guaranteed to cause upset. Actually there is no way anyone in my family would ever get away with doing that - my mum would be round, Having Words.